Water Under the Bridge?

Nothing aggravates me more than people saying what happened to me was "in the past,"--implying
that I should get over it. The people who say this are usually bitter family members, angry at the fact that I am still angry. But I think they are the ones who need to get over it. They need to deal with the fact that I am still carrying a lot of pain--and always will be, to some extent.

These people claim the past isn't around anymore--like water flowing under a bridge. You are still there, solid as a rock, but what happened to you is no longer there, and therefore you should be done with it. They don't understand how much the past affects the present, how much something that happened "in the past" can still affect you deeply now.

In my life, I have come across people in their forties, fifties, and older who are dealing with the very real, very damaging consequences of sibling abuse. That so many people are still in agony speaks to me on a deep level--it tells me that what happened "in the past" still deeply affects their lives in the present.

One college professor I had was clearly still reeling from the effects of sibling abuse. During lecture, he would often mention how his older brother would tease him. One day, he told a story about how his family went to some sort of Chuck E. Cheese-like place, and he won a stuffed animal, and his brother teased him mercilessly for winning "a girl's toy."

Such a story may seem like "no big deal" to some, but had the same teasing comment been leveled at the older brother, I'm sure he would have thought it was a VERY big deal--and pummeled the younger brother in response. And he would still remember the story to this day. And it wouldn't be "in the past" to him.

I've mentioned before that I'm good at reading people. Well, I could tell that this professor was damaged in other ways. He was very insecure, and put on a confident air to cover it up. He was also clearly ashamed of what had happened to him--thinking that bullying like this wouldn't have happened to a stronger person. That he must have been a real weakling to have been picked on so extensively. He was also divorced, and I'm sure his failed marriage had something to do with his past.

Something I've noticed about people making dismissive remarks: such traumas have clearly never happened to them. For if they had, they would never dream of telling me that I should just get over it. There is no "getting over" what happened to you. Not really. You get through it, and the trauma changes shape, but it never completely disappears.

Sibling abuse will likely always affect you in one way or another. That doesn't mean you just need to "let go" or "get over it." It means you're a human being who has been traumatized, and you're dealing with that trauma the best way you can. There is no getting over the past. The past absolutely affects the present, and your job is to learn ways to manage your past without letting it overcome you. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Three Types of Victims

Okay, parents. There are some things we survivors of sibling abuse need you to get straight.

In general, there are three types of victims in sibling abuse cases. Knowing these types will help you suss out what's really going on in your home.

The one who responds appropriately: It's not always the case that we're "equally contributing" to the caterwaul you hear going on daily. Yes, you like to dismiss the fights like that, but we need you to examine them a little closer. When we respond to uncalled-for attacks, we are exercising our basic human right to defend ourselves. We have a right to respect. And it is your job to recognize if a sibling is intentionally provoking us.

The one who does not respond: On the other side of the coin, if we don't defend ourselves, it doesn't mean we're weaklings who need to learn to fight our own battles. (Which is what some parenting books *cough* *cough* Siblings Without Rivalry would have you believe.) Sadly enough, a non-responsive victim is the case where parents recognize sibling abuse the most. So you can't blame us for not defending ourselves! It's one of the best ways to get you to realize what's going on. We might be --understandably-- afraid. We might feel helpless, and like any attempt to defend ourselves will be futile. We might have believed you when you said "it takes two to make a fight," and feel guilty if we defend ourselves. We might know we'll get in trouble if we respond, so we decide it's not worth the effort.

The one who responds inappropriately: In a case where a victim responds by bullying back, we still need you to get real about the root cause. Yes, it's not respectful to insult someone, even if they insulted you first, BUT it still stands in the way of accountability to just punish the victim without understanding he might have been goaded. We need you to listen to our grievances BEFORE you give out punishments. Stand back and observe a little. Does one kid always tend to be angry when they attack, but the other is always smiling, and generally looking gleeful? Does one kid seem more hurt than the other? Can you tell what the intentions are behind their words? Is it revenge or a power trip? And above all else, LISTEN TO US. Believe it or not, children could give you the answers you're seeking.

In these cases, you also have a tendency to correct the victim more than the aggressor. I don't know exactly why this is, but maybe it has to do with the fact that you yourself also feel intimidated by the bully. You know on a certain level that correcting the bully will lead to more resistance, while correcting us will not. You need to fully acknowledge the aggressor's part. Make yourself learn all the ways he or she taunts, teases, belittles, and embarrasses us. And hold them accountable. Acknowledging these parts will ultimately lead to a better correction plan--one that truly takes all aspects of the fighting into account.

Seek for understanding. It will help you find more--and better--solutions.

Multi-Faceted Healing Approach

One of the most unhelpful things I did in trying to heal was going to therapy.

I'm serious. Therapy did way more harm than good. 

There are several reasons why this was the case, and I won't go into them all. In general, though, I felt like my therapist's approach was not empowering, but blaming and shaming. He did not validate my feelings, but dismissed them. That is not therapy. And if a therapist out there reading this disagrees, then I say that should not be therapy. One of the purposes of therapy should be to make you feel better. If it's not making you feel better, but worse, why go?  

What I learned from my terrible therapist is that we are in charge of our own healing. We shouldn't be looking to some sort of outside source to make us feel better. We need to do that ourselves.

....But how do we do that?

There is no one way to heal our wounds. There are actually many, many ways to do that. In fact, healing most likely involves three or four or five or more different methods. And if you strongly feel that therapy is one of them for you, by all means, do that. Here is a list of ideas we can use for healing: 

1. Therapy - Yes, I put this first. Not because I agree with it, but because this is often the first one that comes to mind. I encourage you to try out therapy, but if you don't like your therapist, or if you don't think it's working, run out of that office as fast as you can. Don't waste your time with an idiot or an asshole. 

2. Friends - One of the most helpful things for me was expressing my feelings to an empathetic listener, a.k.a. my friend. If you have a friend in your life who is a really good listener, take full advantage of it. Getting your feelings out and having them validated helps TREMENDOUSLY in trying to heal your shit. This will take some courage from you and some vulnerability, but if you have a truly supportive friend in your life, it will be worth it. 

3. Creative Outlet - Writing. Drawing. Dancing. Music. Creativity is a method many people use to soothe their souls. If you are a creative person yourself, creating works of art can be a helpful way to get your feelings out. 

4. Physical Activity - If it doesn't accomplish anything else, physical activity at least gets you doing something, instead of just bouncing your hurt feelings inside your head. It's a great way to physically release the pent-up anger inside you. This is my go-to method when my own demons attack. 

5. Truth - Speak your truth to the people who need to hear it. Your parents who didn't protect you, your siblings who abused you, and other adult figures in your life who egged on the abuse, or at least didn't encourage it to stop. This is very scary, and may take weeks, months, years of preparation. But if you do it, even if it doesn't accomplish anything else, at least they've heard your side of the story. And that matters a lot. 

6. Punishment - There are many ways to punish a wrongdoer. I've mentioned before about how I'm not against giving the abusers a taste of their own medicine. There are other ways to punish them as well. Cutting them out of your life is one method. Do it temporarily or permanently. Send them a signal that you're holding them accountable for what they did. There will be consequences for this, yes, but I found that those consequences were worth the price of healing myself.

7. Forgiveness - I know you hate this word. And I still feel strongly that you should only forgive once you're ready to forgive. But if you reach a place (like I did) where you're like...."O.K. I might be ready to try experimenting with this whole 'letting go' thing," do it. It feels great. And I need to give you the standard "forgiveness lecture" (I'm sorry): Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what they did was right. It just means giving yourself a break, and not letting their toxicity damage you anymore. 

6. Let the World Punish Them - I saved this one for last, because it's the one you have no control over. I'm just putting it in here as something to keep in mind. In a few families, I noticed that the abusive sibling sort of had the world punish them. In one family I know of, a bully older sister saw the error of her ways when she moved to one of the meanest cities in America. Being around the constant hostility served her a great big piece of humble pie....and she was never mean again. There are many, many ways the world will humble us. And as big kids grow into adults, a lot of them receive this humbling. Just keep in mind that sometimes, things have a way of working themselves out, and all you have to do is sit back and watch (and enjoy). 

So those are just a few things to keep in mind, wherever you are in your journey. In general, do what feels right to you. You are the captain of your ship. And in time, you'll find healing.

Another Way to Tell

So I recently had an insight...

Something one sibling abuse expert has said is that, when trying to determine if a sibling is being abusive, disregard the emotions. Separate the emotions from the behavior, and look at the behavior itself. 

That's sound advice.

But I think that where a lot of parents miss the signs of bullying is thinking that both kids are "equally contributing to it" because the victim child is fighting back. 

Something else parents should try is looking at the emotions. 

Often, in families where it looks like both kids are being mean to each other, you can still tell that one is the abuser and the other the abused. How? The abusive one is mainly doing what she's doing for fun. Is she smiling when she's insulting her brother? Is he laughing when he's teasing the other one? If you can see a smile on the child's face, then you've spotted the bully, whose motivation is power.

The abused, on the other hand, often does what she's doing out of anger. If there's a hurt tone of voice, if he doesn't look happy, then that's the victim. His motivation isn't power--it's revenge.  

Yes, disrespect should not be allowed. From either party. But I firmly believe we need to get real about the root cause. In many families, the disrespect can be traced back to one party in particular: the one who thinks it's fun to be mean. 

Don't just hold children equally accountable. Be honest about who's the main antagonist. Yes, victims should be taught to respond appropriately, but the burden does not fall on their shoulders. It is adult accountability that will really put an end to bullying (and consequently, the fighting), and this accountability needs to target the ones who are accountable. 

The No-Blame Game

A while ago, I was dealing with  a bully coworker. I didn't know what to do, because all of my attempts to stand up to bullies in the past have not gone so well. I was surfing the Net, looking for any smidgen of advice I could find. I came across this website, which offers pretty helpful advice in fighting back workplace bullies. One of the tips that really resonated with me concerned advance preparation. It said something along the lines of "be prepared for your colleagues to say that what's going on is a 'personality conflict' between you and the bully."

I had suspected that was going to happen. People never want to admit that one party really is to blame. 

You hear over and over again from people to not "play the blame game." This infamous Blame Game. Tell me really, though, how often have you seen people play this?
I wonder if we sometimes suffer from the reverse problem--not that we blame too much but that we shy away from blame. We play the no-blame game. We're afraid to put blame where blame is due.

Why do we do this?

I think there are two reasons. The first is that we're afraid of danger (for lack of a better word). Every party is always both wrong, both right, so we can heave a sigh of relief and go on our merry way. Because if one party was wrong, we would have to deal with an uncomfortable imbalance in our world. That imbalance is unsettling to us, and we don't want it to exist.

The second reason is we secretly believe we're more "enlightened" thinking blame is always evenly dispersed. It's mature...isn't it?...to disperse blame evenly. To see both as guilty. Only a childish brat would think one side was right and the other was wrong. You're a wiser, more sophisticated person for always believing blame belongs to both sides.

This needs to change. We need to get real that some people intentionally harm others, either out of a lack of awareness, a lack of empathy, or a genuine desire to cause harm. And in response to that harm, it is appropriate--even necessary--for a victim to rise up. Victims should respond assertively and appropriately according to the situation. And they often do. The larger problem is not the victims' response.

Bystanders need to change their response to how they handle these situations. When they see the unmistakable signs of one person abusing another, they need to do a few different things. The first is that we need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable

There is room for not picking sides while simultaneously holding a guilty party accountable. The trick is to focus on words, actions and intentions. Is either person name-calling, insulting, intimidating, belittling, or embarrassing the other party? These actions are never acceptable. Hold them accountable. What's their intention behind the action? Do they have a genuine problem, or do they just want a power trip? Look out for "reacting" vs. "seeking out." Reacting to a problem (in an acceptable way) is fine. Constantly seeking out a reason to pick on someone is not.

Parents need to be open to the idea of guilty parties. It's not as simple as "both parties are equally to blame all the time." Sometimes there's a guilty party. Sometimes there's not.  When there's a guilty party, that person needs to be held accountable. Finding this person is the first step to attaining equilibrium.

Let's Talk About the Lena Controversy

Maybe you've heard of her:

If you haven't, let me fill you in. Lena Dunham is a young actress/producer/writer who became a celebrity in 2012 with the release of her mega-hit T.V series, "Girls." Described as being a "Sex and the City for 20-somethings," the show follows the lives of young women trying to get it together in New York City. From this show, Lena became an instant success, and has been featured in practically every talk show, magazine, blog (hee hee), you name it. Almost every millennial knows her name. 

Recently, Dunham has become the subject of a controversy because of certain scenes in her recently-released memoir. (Yes, this woman has a memoir. At age 28.) In these scenes, Dunham describes spreading open her younger sister's vagina to find pebbles she had stuffed in there, masturbating in bed next to her, and bribing her sister with candy to kiss her on the lips for long periods of time.

FYI, I did read the actual passages in the book before I started writing this post, so I'm judging these based on what I have actually read, not what some bozo on the Internet has told me to think. In the pebbles-in-vagina scenario, Lena was 7 and Grace was 1. In the masturbation-in-bed one, Lena was 17 and Grace was 11, in the kissing-on-the-lips incident, it's not clear what ages the girls are, but they were both still children. 

The controversy is what to make of it all.

Some people say Lena molested her sister. Some people are saying everything she did was just normal childhood sexual exploration. Which side should we take? 

Well, I'll give you my two cents. There are a couple of factors that need to be taken into account. One is the definition of molestation. According to this website, there are a couple of acts that are defined as child sexual abuse. These are: 

• sexual touching of any part of the body, clothed or unclothed
• penetrative sex
• encouraging a child to engage in sexual activity
• intentionally engaging in sexual activity in front of a child
• showing children pornography or using children to create pornography
• encouraging a child to engage in prostitution 

OK, I feel sort of sick just typing all that. Let me take a break.

I'm back. So did Lena molest her sister? Looking at the definition of child sexual abuse, there are a couple of things that immediately seem not OK. Out of all the incidents, the kissing one seems the most serious to me. Why? Because it seems like the most intentional, where Lena seemed to be purposely deriving sexual pleasure from a non-consensual act. 

The other ones are grayer to me. Masturbation is definitely a sexual act, but was Lena intentionally engaging in it in front of her sister? I don't think she was. The pebble incident is also a little bit iffy, but it seems more like curiosity than an intent to arouse. 

The second factor is how Grace feels about it all. Does she feel victimized by what Lena did? She has come out publicly that she does not. She has said it is up to the individual affected by it to decide whether or not it was harmful. I agree.   

What the Lena controversy can teach us all is that it's important for parents to police the behaviors of children. Internet experts everywhere were saying, "Oh, childhood sexual exploration is normal!!!!" And maybe it is. But if sexual exploration is normal, then children should explore their own bodies and be taught to leave others' bodies alone. 

Maybe you yourself were a victim of sibling sexual abuse, and this recent controversy has left you feeling angry, or confused, or scared. I say that each person is the narrator of his or her own story. If you felt victimized by something a sibling did to you, then that is your story. You have every right to feel that way. 

And in case you didn't already know, I've mentioned Lena on my blog before. Whether she is a perpetrator of sexual abuse is iffy, but she was certainly guilty of another type of abuse. A type of abuse we as a society haven't talked about, and need to. 

Firstborn Favoritism

There is a phenomenon I've witnessed in many families, and maybe you've seen it too. I call it Firstborn Favoritism.



One family I know of has three daughters, and the mother shows a lot of favoritism with her oldest. For parents' weekend the daughter's freshman year of college, the entire family went up to visit. Whenever her daughter went back to college after a break, the mother brought the entire family to the airport to wave good-bye. The mother constantly talks about her oldest, gushing the entire time, and practically ignores the other two daughters. She absolutely does not show the same amount of involvement or interest with the younger ones. She knows practically every detail about her oldest daughter's life, including her friends, her classes, her roommate troubles, her grades, everything. And she's no longer even living at home. The other two? The mother can barely name two friends of theirs. Her attention is completely sucked up by her oldest. So sucked up that she can't even tell that her oldest daughter mercilessly and relentlessly teases and belittles the youngest one.



Why do some parents show favoritism for their first child?



Ask any parent, and he or she will tell you about the indescribable love they felt when their first baby arrived. Their heart melted and the world stopped turning. Their baby smiled or gurgled, and that smile or gurgle was meant for them and them alone. They and their baby were one. And they had never ever loved any person as much as this little one before.



For many parents, these initial feelings never completely go away. Even after their second or third (or fourth...or.....you get it) child, the parent still feels a special bond to their first child. And some parents never completely lose their grip on this bond, which ends up manifesting itself as favoritism towards the firstborn child.


Now, many experts on sibling rivalry warn against playing favorites, but for different reasons. They believe favoritism ignites jealousy and competition in the non-favored children, who then tear down the favored child. I don't doubt this is true. But in my experience, favoritism can cause another effect: the favorite child bullies non-favored children.



Why does favoritism cause the favored child to bully? I have a few theories. First of all, a favored child is exposed to enormous amounts of praise, attention and affection from the parent. This parent-worship affects the child by reducing his or her sense of empathy. The extra attention can also increase a child's desire for power. With so much indulgence, the child comes to believe he or she should rule the world. This entitlement plays out in chasing after power in relationships with peers and siblings. Especially with siblings, because they will never desert a child like friends will. I also think favored children receive less discipline than non-favored ones. The apple of Mommy and Daddy's eye can do no wrong.


Some families I know of completely avoided firstborn favoritism. I have three theories for this. One is that some parents may have favoritism feelings for their first child, but are wise enough not to show them. Another is that some parents simply do not have a much stronger bond with their first child than with their second. And a third is that some parents have their own memories of growing up with a favored sibling--especially a firstborn favorite--and vowed to never do that to their own children. I know of three families in particular where I have a hunch that the mother (always the mother) purposely humbled the eldest child.


In each of these families, the humbling took place by withholding affection (but not to an abusive extent), teaching empathy, and generally reducing the sense of power and importance of Firstborn. And bullying does not take place in these families! Huzzah! Sibling abuse is cured!


Ha. Not really. But.....I think we've found a cure. Or a possible cure. Or at least a preventative measure. Don't show favoritism towards the firstborn child. Prevent bullying before it begins. Reduce the amount of power you give your oldest child, and he or she will not become a bully.


When you reduce the bullying, and by consequence the fighting, in the family, you--and your other children--will thank you.

Three Types of Fights

In all my research on sibling rivalry, sibling abuse, and bullying, something that strikes me is just how much misinformation is out there. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow. There are a couple of sayings and mentalities people hold on to with a death grip, never once thinking that there might be a better idea. Take, for example, "It takes two to tango." Even in situations where it is obvious, like painfully, undeniably obvious that a  bully is provoking a victim, many adult authorities blindly follow the belief to hold children equally accountable.  People: I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. You should  know that with children (especially with children), it's possible for one child to ridicule another for the fun of it. It is unreasonable to  expect the victim  to not respond.

And with siblings, it gets even trickier. Here, we're dealing with the whole "sibling rivalry is normal" belief, and with parents slapping the "sibling rivalry" label on every fight that goes on under their roof. Parents: It is not a given that every spat between siblings is normal and harmless.  And it is not the case that both children always equally contribute to the fights. "Fighting back" does not equate to "contributing." There is still one guilty party if one of the kids defends themselves.  How can you tell if there's a guilty party, or if what's going on is normal? It depends  on what type of fight you're dealing with.

In general, there are three types of fights:

Conflicts: These are the easiest to define: fighting over things. You can put a label on what they're fighting about. These fights are where your children can learn to "work it out themselves" through compromise. But these don't comprise all the fights siblings get into. If only it were that easy.

Rivalries: A little more difficult to spot. These are the power struggles, competitions and jealousies that often occur between siblings. Usually, both siblings are mad at each other. Fighting over the front seat of the car? That's a rivalry. They're both competing for power.

Bullying: In this situation, there is a guilty party, and the guilty party is very clear. The quickest way to spot something like this is if one sibling is smiling while the other is very angry. Even if the victim fights back, there is still one guilty party. Hold the guilty party accountable.

You may have noticed that Mrs. Next-door's kids always seem to resolve their conflicts just fine. Well, THAT'S GREAT for Mrs. Next-door--she got the lucky lotto win with kids whose personalities only bicker over easily solvable problems. Her family is not your family. There could very well be a different problem lurking on your side of the white picket fence.

In addition to fights being situation-specific, they are also family-specific. Some families are dealing with mainly "conflict"-type fights. Others are dealing with rivalries between two competitive personalities. And many families are dealing with bullying. Find out what's happening in your family. The right label will lead you to a better solution.

It Can Happen to Anybody. . .

I hate trite, overused sayings. But there's one phrase where I'll make an exception. "It can happen to anybody," applies perfectly to victims of sibling abuse. Often used after an unfortunate event befalls an otherwise capable person, the phrase "it can happen to anybody" means that bad stuff can happen to the best of us. Misfortune does not discriminate. Being smart or tough or brave or kind or rich or hard-working or quick or talented or anything else will not always protect you. Life is evil, and does not care how much you've paid your dues. When it decides to smite you, you don't stand a chance. So when bad things happen, you are not automatically to blame.

Many people think differently. After hearing about something horrible that happened to an acquaintance of theirs, these people will chalk it up to being the victim's fault. They want to distance themselves from the truth that something equally bad can happen to them. And in a weird mirroring of this belief, victims blame themselves, but for different reasons. We want to believe that as long as we are good and strong, we are invincible. Nothing bad can happen to us so long as we play our cards right. And if something terrible does happen, it must have been our fault. Because if it wasn't, and life really was just pure randomness, then it means we are powerless in the face of evil.

The sad truth is that, in many situations, we are powerless. This is especially true when we're children. When we're children, we are victims of circumstance. We are randomly assigned a family, and we are victims of our parents' action--or inaction. We are also victims of who our siblings turn out to be. In all my observations of families experiencing sibling abuse, something has become clear: anyone can be a victim, and anyone can be an aggressor.

One family I know of had interesting personality combinations with their children. Their older child was a quiet nerd. The younger child was a social butterfly. As they grew older, these differences became more pronounced. By middle school, the older daughter's nerdy tendencies had made her an outcast. The younger daughter quickly moved up the social hierarchy and became a cheerleader in high school.

As anyone familiar with high school stereotypes will tell you, traditionally the cheerleaders and jocks pick on the nerds. Cheerleaders are "winners" and nerds are "losers" in fantasy high school land. (In reality, I didn't find this to be the case, but it's a fitting metaphor, so I'm going to use it.) Exactly the opposite happened in this particular family.

The older daughter, the nerd, picked on the cheerleader.

As I've said before, there are a few common reasons why a sibling becomes a bully. In this family's case, the older child became a bully because of her insecurity. She was a loner at school who was picked on by other kids because of her poor social skills and weird habits. To rectify her insecurity, she abused her sister, giving herself a power trip and temporarily relieving herself of her own self-hatred.

This ironic situation is not an isolated incident. I have seen other families where an otherwise strong, assertive person found themselves a target of bullying. Like the family in A Case Study, the primary target was an assertive, independent, straightforward individual. One thing she never did in response to the bullying was ignore it. She always took a stand, always made sure to correct Allen when he was bothering her. This was done at the expense of the parents saying, "stop fighting!!!!!!," but she didn't back down. Her responses, however, were not successful.

Beating a bully has nothing to do with how "strong" the victim is. Even secure, confident people can be attacked. I've said this before and I'll say it again: To beat a sibling bully, parental action is crucial. Kids cannot do it on their own. A bully needs to be held accountable by an authority figure. He or she won't obey a peer.

And another, equally powerful message must also be conveyed: If you were a victim of sibling abuse, it wasn't your fault. Nobody asks to be bullied or "invites" bullying. Bullies will bully if they want to. It doesn't say anything about your character if you happened to be a target. Bullying, like any other trauma in the world, can happen to anybody.

My Facebook Empowerment Experiment

So I've told you about my not attending a sibling's wedding. Well, a few months ago, some long-time acquaintances of mine decided to have a word with me about it. On Facebook. For everyone to see. 

That's right. Completely disregarding my feelings, or my desire to keep what was happening AWAY from my current life, these people posted public messages on my wall expressing their disappointment with my decision. I "should have been there" they said. They "hope I don't regret my decision one day." Well, that last person won't be let down, because I won't regret my decision. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize what I did was right. It was the proper expression of my disappointment, anger, and loss of trust and love for this particular sibling. Had I gone, I would be kicking myself now for betraying my feelings and bending to others' will. My not attending the wedding meant that others had to stomach the same heartache, disappointment and anger that I had always felt. It was a punishment that fit the crime (if there can ever be a fitting enough punishment for sibling abuse). 

But that doesn't mean these people's statements didn't irk me. It wasn't the statements themselves, as much as the fact they were made and the emotion behind them. How dare these people think they can publicly criticize me? How dare they completely dismiss my feelings? And how dare they pick sides! Don't they realize that, in a situation like this, there are definitely two sides to the story? I couldn't believe they would blatantly side against me. How immature of them. 

I didn't know how to respond, and I knew that any response, public or private, would lead to a Facebook war with them. So I deleted their comments, and that was that. I was showing them that I had no time for their words, and didn't hold much stock in their comments (which are both true), but the entire situation bothered me for quite a bit. 

One lesson all this drama has taught me is that, during a controversial situation, the best thing you can do is NOT give your "two cents."It is the opposite of helpful. The other person will not think, "Hmmm....you're right! I'll just change my mind right now!" The reverse will happen. The person will feel invalidated and dig their heels farther into the ground. What's more, you will increase the person's mistrust for the other side and polarize the conflict. 

The best thing you can do, for BOTH sides, is to simply....listen. Just listen! Put your ego aside. Forget where you personally stand, and listen to what the other person has to say. Validate their feelings. Show them you care. Even if you feel strongly they're wrong, don't tell them what you think. And then you've made the situation better for both sides, because now both sides feel understood, validated and supported. They are much more likely to make peace after they've been listened to than after they've been railed against. 

Those thoughts had been rambling around in my mind for quite a while, and I was wondering what to do with them. I was thinking of making some sort of Facebook post about it, but I didn't want it to be explicitly about the wedding. So I waited for a different controversial event to happen, where I could sneakily slide my thoughts in, and finally found one this week. I won't get into too much detail, but in my community there has recently been controversy about pro-life messages that were scrawled in public areas. Obviously, some people were very upset about this, including me. 

I used this event to express my thoughts about listening to opposing sides rather than lecturing at them. Let's just say that, although my post was definitely about the pro-life incident, it was carefully worded so that family members could clearly tell the message was also aimed at them. I was nervous about posting it, but so glad I did. So far, fourteen people have"liked" my status, not a single one of them a Wedding Controversy Person. That shows me they got my message.

After writing that message, I felt like I had put power back in my hands. I didn't need to walk around in an angry cloud over what someone had done to me. I had taken their (passive-aggressive) messages, and responded with my own (equally passive-aggressive) reply. This brings up another topic that I've been thinking about: the idea of empowering oneself. What can we do as survivors to combat our traumatic pasts? We grew up feeling battered and helpless, and walking around with an angry cloud over our heads was our only option. But now what? What can we do to tell our stories, combat current abusive situations, and raise awareness about sibling abuse?

It doesn't have to be a big, dramatic statement. It can be a quiet, small one like my Facebook status. But I think it's important to give ourselves voices. We deserve them, and now that we can speak, we have a duty to make the voiceless heard.       

Undeveloped Limit-Setting Abilities

Boundaries are something that I've struggled with a lot throughout my life. We all do, but I believe my own boundary problems have been worse than the average person's. And a lot of my struggles can be attributed to sibling abuse.

You don't know "non-confrontational"until you're frightened of your sister screaming at you because of how you sort the laundry. You can't understand walking on eggshells until you've experienced the daily fear of "what is my sister going to make fun of me today for?". You don't know how hilariously inept you find the advice "just say no" until you've experienced painful, debilitating learned helplessness at the hands of your parents who have no concern whatsoever for the fact that you're being repeatedly disrespected.

That's only a small smattering of what I experienced as a child, which carried over into my adult life, and still affects me today. For a long time, I thought my inability to say no was simply due to a fear of confrontation. Nobody likes making others angry, right? Well, I read a book a while ago that really gave me insight into my struggles. It's called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can buy it on Amazon for less than $10. If you choose to buy it, trust me, it's worth the price.

One of the most significant contributions that book made to the understanding of myself was their explanation of how boundaries can be damaged. One big reason people from dysfunctional families have trouble setting boundaries is because they've been taught that when they say "no," they will lose someone's love.

This statement didn't resonate with me all at once, but after I sat down and thought about it for a bit, I noticed patterns in my life that really confirmed this theory. The biggest key for me was realizing that my saying "no" to my oldest sibling (the one I've cut off a relationship with) only took place after I knew I didn't love her anymore. Because when that happened, I knew I had nothing to lose if I said no.

There are many ways children can feel like they've lost someone's love, and one of these ways is when their attempts to say no are greeted with hostility. In my case, there were several ways in which my "no" was not respected. One way was through my siblings. If I stood up to them, they would often increase their efforts to make fun of me, or get angry and yell back. Another way was through my parents. If I fought back, my dad would immediately jump in and tell us "STOP FIGHTING!!!" I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself when I was being disrespected. I can remember different moments throughout my childhood when I felt resentful about something, but didn't speak up because I was worried about getting in trouble. Even from a young age, my parents had ingrained in me the firm belief that Fighting Is Bad.

In my life today, I can spot patterns reminiscent of my childhood. I still fear losing someone's love, and will often not say no to unreasonable demands. And then there are the bullies. I feel like I am constantly running into those gremlins. Within the past three years, I can name four separate incidents where I was bullied by someone (usually a roommate, coworker, or classmate). It makes me feel angry and helpless all over again. My attempts to stand up for myself are never successful.

Helplessness is a big factor in having unhealthy boundaries. "What's the use?" is my battle cry. I'd rather feel angry than both angry and defeated. I discovered long ago that the underdog story sensationalized in Hollywood films is nothing but a myth. Fighting back does not do anything to stop the aggressor. Not being attacked has more to do with not being seen as a target, something I have not yet figured out how to accomplish.

And then there are other ways people can develop unhealthy boundaries. These are often inappropriate attempts to set boundaries, such as withdrawing from relationships, taking insecurities out on others, bullying so as to be seen as more powerful, or overcompensating by being very controlling.

But there is hope. You can develop better boundaries. This usually occurs when close friends redo the work done by your family of origin. After developing close connections with these people, you can begin to feel safe in saying no. Because you learn that you will be loved, even when you set limits.

Four Reasons to Stop Sibling Abuse

No matter how much explaining, cajoling, pleading, or proving you do, some people will never believe that sibling abuse is a serious issue. Even after providing example after example, countless studies and statistics, some people remain adamantly convinced that all sibling acts are normal and harmless. It utterly amazes (and repulses) me. Short of giving these people a nice, healthy dose of their own medicine (no one, I repeat, no one would hold that position after experiencing sibling bullying themselves), I've come up with four reasons why sibling abuse must be taken seriously, and soon thereafter, ended.

Parent, you should stop (what I have referred to as) sibling abuse....

For Yourself: Your kids are driving you nuts, aren't they? They're constantly at each other! No matter how many times you've told them to knock it off, they just won't STOP FIGHTING! It's constant back and forth and back and forth...How come they haven't learned how to resolve their problems yet? How come they can't work it out like adults? Here's the thing: If the fighting in your home is really intense; if they aren't fighting over objects and you can't pinpoint what exactly they're fighting about; if one kid is smiling while the other is really angry, you are very likely dealing with sibling abuse which is NOT normal, and NOT something children can work out themselves. This situation calls for adults to step in and hold the AGGRESSOR accountable. This is not a situation where the siblings are equally responsible. If you blame them both, you will get a more resentful victim, a more satisfied bully, and the warfare will not only continue, but intensify. It's very simple to me: Stop the bullying and you'll stop the warfare.

For The Victim: The victim needs to see that you have a vested interest in protecting him. She needs to know that her right to be respected will be enforced. He needs to be able to protect himself in the real world, and not being trampled on at home will do that. Being protected will diminish the feelings of resentment the victim will hold towards both the bully and the parent, and will be better, in the long run, for you.

For The Bully: If the victim needs to learn that he or she is worthy of respect, the bully needs to learn to be respectful. Often the bully learns how to play the game. She'll tease her brother for fun, but be the most empathetic and encouraging friend. She knows how it works. She knows she'll never get away with bullying her friends, but she can get away with bludgeoning her brother. But there's a glitch. Bullying habits can influence how the bully treats other significant, primary relationships. I've noticed that sibling bullies will tease and belittle their girlfriends or boyfriends similarly to how they teased and belittled their brothers and sisters. Same, or even worse, with spouses. There are other primary relationships that can be affected too. In one family I observed, the abuser's sister was getting married, and the bully began bullying his future brother-in-law just as he had bullied his sister. There is a ripple effect to the bullying behaviors. They can be carried outside of the family to affect other people. It's best if they're stopped before that happens.

For the Family: And maybe the most important reason of all: the family. I've already told you about how I cut off a relationship with one of my sisters. No parent wants that to happen. All parents dream of a happy, unified family. But that will not happen if one of the members feels disrespected or unsafe. No parent wants dissonance with one of their children, but that has happened in my family, and a few other families I know of where sibling abuse has occurred.

These are four very commonsense reasons why sibling abuse must be stopped. So stop it. Now.

Don't Forgive Yourself

In all the research I've done on forgiveness, I've noticed a recurring theme. I see it on blogs, on pithy Internet memes, in books, and in scholarly articles. It's the idea of forgiving oneself. Equally as important as forgiving the aggressor, they say, is forgiving yourself. For what you did or didn't do in the relationship. For what you said or failed to say. For the person you were. It doesn't matter anymore, they say. Forgive yourself.

When we're talking about abuse, though, forgiving ourselves isn't necessary. We didn't do anything wrong. 

I find it odd how frequently victim blaming gets pulled into conversations about sibling abuse. I was having a conversation with my cousin one day, and we were discussing my relationship with my abusive sibling. Or, rather, she was telling me how she saw our relationship. For your information, my cousin and I live approximately 350 miles apart. We see each other twice a year if we're lucky. We didn't grow up together, and our relationship is casual at best. We hardly know each other, and she certainly doesn't know anything about my family's intricate relationship dynamics. But during this conversation, as I'm explaining why I'm not attending my sibling's wedding, she says to me, "Well, she has things to apologize for, and you have things to apologize for."

Excuse me? How can this person--who hardly knows anything about my relationship--automatically assume we're both equally guilty? It is not a universal truth that "it takes two to tango." That applies to many relationship problems, but in cases with abuse, assuming equal blame is wrong and harmful. The victim is never to blame for someone else's abusive actions. 

I've come to realize the saying, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" rings especially true for sibling abuse. If you do stand up for yourself, you'll fight with your sibling, and you'll hear the often-proclaimed-but-hardly-ever-questioned "it takes two to tango" line. If you don't stand up for yourself, you get walked on and everyone from therapists to estranged family members will tell you later in life that you were "playing the victim" all along, and had you defended yourself, or communicated your expectations (ya know, to your eight-year-old sibling), or yelled louder or acted tougher, all of this wouldn't have happened. 

When I was growing up and getting picked on, I didn't stand up for myself all that much. Part of it was fear, but another part was knowing in the back of my mind that my efforts would be futile. I knew I would just hear the "Now, now, Sybil. It takes two to make a fight," line, and the grown-ups would send me on my merry way. And then I would feel even worse, because I would be angry and helpless.  

But it turns out that even when you don't fight back, you still hear the "it takes two to tango" line. From people who can't bear the uncomfortable truth that maybe, just maybe, there is a guilty party who deserves accountability. 

There's a very simple reason why victims don't need to forgive themselves. What happened to them was not their fault. From all of my observations, I have noticed one thing: if the parents aren't on board, nothing the victim can say or do will do anything to stop the abuse. Children don't have control here. In the family unit, parents are the authority figures, the children are submissive to the parents, and the siblings relate to each other as peers. When sibling abuse is happening, the parents have the primary responsibility of stopping it. 

I believe strongly that if anything is going to stop sibling abuse, it is education. Parents need to be educated on recognizing harassment, and knowing what to do if it happens. When abuse is going on, it is often because the parents don't recognize it. It is not because the victim is weak. It is not because the victim needs to be assertive. It is because the victim got unlucky, and must live at the mercy of his or her parents' decisions.

So don't forgive yourself. There's nothing to forgive. The type of person you were never mattered. It wasn't your fault.         

Letting Go

I'm about to write a post I never would have even considered writing three years ago. But here goes.

One of the most painful, horrible, unbearable parts of dealing with the aftermath of sibling abuse is carrying around the all-consuming rage that burns in your soul and permeates through every aspect of your being. Where does this rage come from? The simple answer is that is stems from years of having been tortured and traumatized by siblings. But it's actually an agglomeration of things. My rage was a combination of the anger, resentment, frustration, helplessness, humiliation and indignation inflicted upon me after countless encounters of my siblings abusing me and my parents dismissing and neglecting me.

I could never give you a full picture of what I went through. All I can do is convey the following snapshot: I spent many, many nights in my room doing various activities to "work through" my anger, like screaming into pillows, biting things, punching things, clenching my teeth, tearing things into bits. Anything to release a valve on the pent-up energy constantly threatening to explode somewhere, anywhere. I cried many times, too. I felt helpless and alone and constantly found myself thinking that I desperately needed help. But help was nowhere to be found. Nearly every day, I would walk around in an angry cloud, appearing normal on the outside, but feeling the rage underneath the surface, threatening to boil over.

I'd heard about "forgiveness"--pardoning someone for what they've done wrong. But that idea never seemed right to me. How can I look at the evidence, the piles upon piles of mental testimony I've collected, and say that the aggressor is..."forgiven?" How is that a good thing? Isn't that just enabling?

Well, I haven't reached a final answer to that question. I don't know if I'll ever truly "forgive." But I have dealt more and more with something I'm calling "letting go."

Letting go means taking the anger stored inside you, and....letting go of it. It means telling yourself, "I have decided to release my anger. I am no longer going to carry it with me. It has burned a hole in my heart, and I no longer welcome it. It doesn't have a home inside me anymore."

But wait a minute! Isn't that repression?

Not quite. Repression is denying your feelings. Letting go is acknowledging your feelings, and then releasing them. It is, in a way, moving on. It is staying in the present and absorbing all the energy from the present moment, rather than letting past energy consume you.

And it deals with yourself, and yourself only. Not the other person who hurt you. They don't even have to know you've "moved on" or "let go." The sibling I'm thinking about--the one I cut out of my life--has no idea I'm writing this post, or that I'm in the process of letting go, or anything like that.

Letting go is a process I struggle with. Even just now, I had an anger episode when I started thinking about my family. But whenever I do manage to "let go," it is the best gift I can give myself. I feel so at peace that day, after I've let go of my anger. I feel in control, and not taken down by my resentment.

And one more thing. Letting go does not mean no longer fighting for justice. It is okay to do the things you feel you must do to hold the guilty party (or parties) accountable (i.e., the aforementioned sibling who is still cut out of my life). Letting go does not make you weak. It puts you at peace, grants you control over your life, and makes you emotionally and physically healthier.

So try to let go today.

Expecting to Be Teased

Something must have happened to my brain after my siblings used me as a receptacle for their own insecure feelings. All the teasing and torturing impacted my life in countless ways. One of the ways I have not yet

touched on is the expectation I held throughout most of my childhood and adolescence that teasing was inevitable. Wherever I went, whoever I was with, I simply expected to be teased. 

This is one of those things you don't notice until you reflect on it. Growing up, it never struck me as odd that I was the constant target of teasing. Heck, the teasing itself never seemed abnormal at all. It didn't feel good, but it felt...habitual. Like I deserved it. I grew up "laughing off" the snide comments that were constantly aimed at me, so in my relations with my peers I did the same. 

I remember one incident where one of my older sisters and her friend were making fun of me over something I wrote. It was a poem or a letter or something they thought was stupid, and they quoted the thing to me in annoying, mimicking voices. What did I do? Did I get defensive and tell them to shove it? Nope. I grinned sheepishly and laughed with them. In my head I thought that because they were older, they must be right. It had been a stupid thing to write. I deserved to be made fun of for writing something that stupid. 

As I got older, I had more encounters with insufferably disrespectful people. We all do, but the difference between me and most people I meet was that my reactions to these rude people were way different from most people's. Often, I had no idea that someone had treated me disrespectfully. 

In college, my friend Rachel and I once had to meet with someone to discuss housing options. The person we met with seemed nice enough, and we had a short, pleasant conversation with her about our housing plans for the next school year. Or so I thought. As soon as we got outside, Rachel muttered something about that "bitchy housing lady..." I didn't say anything out loud, but I remember thinking, "Oh, you thought THAT was bitchy?!" One comment she had made to us had seemed a little off, but it didn't strike me as being that big of a deal. 

I've had more experiences like this. One time I was at a bar with a group of friends, and our server comes over to get our drink orders. When it's my turn to request a drink, I quickly give my order and then sit there, waiting for him to move on to the next person. I had forgotten that (at least at my age) servers look at ID before serving alcoholic drinks. My server motions for me to take out my driver's license, and then shouts "Come on! Come on!" as he's waving his hand. When he leaves to go back into the kitchen, my friend turns to me and says, "Ugh, that guy was so rude to you." 

I hadn't even noticed. In fact, I was giggling as he was waving and shouting at me. His reaction, of course, was right. How could I have been so stupid as to have forgotten to take out my ID? As usual, I was denying any defensive messages inside of me, and agreeing with the message of the bully. The child inside of me who laughed off embarrassment and thought her powerful older siblings were always right had made an appearance. And she thought she deserved to be teased. 

I ask myself if there's anything someone can do that would make me think they deserve to be teased for it. I can't think of anything. I don't tease people. Ever. Knowing how painful it is to be on the receiving end has made me extra aware of others' feelings and of not hurting them. Even in cases where people have made a serious goof-up somewhere, I correct as gently as possible. I never make fun of them for it. 

There is one very special case where I think someone deserves to be teased. And that's right after they've teased someone else. My philosophy is The Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. If someone disobeys this rule, if they think they can taunt others for the thrill it brings them, they deserve to be on the receiving end of the same treatment.

It's funny how sometimes the bullied are accused of being "too sensitive." In my experience, bullying made me DE-sensitized to things I shouldn't have been. I've come to realize that we're all sensitive, and we all don't like being teased. In all situations, (well....with a few exceptions, as mentioned above) we deserve to be treated respectfully. And in my own life, I know I need to work on replacing my teasing expectation with a different one: expecting to be treated with respect.    

The Real World

When I talk about parents needing to intervene during bullying situations, an argument I get from time to time is that such action does children a disservice for life in The Real World. A child being bullied, they say, must learn to stand up for himself. As adults, victims won't have Mommy and Daddy coming in to rescue them, so they best learn to fend for themselves now.

I have several problems with this point of view, and I will happily dissect each one of them for you.  

The first problem, and most glaringly obvious one (at least to me) is that if parents truly believe this philosophy, then 90 percent of them are not following it. From what I've seen, victims do defend themselves--and Mommy and Daddy do nothing more than stand in the way. Nobody likes to hear fighting, and when parents hear bickering in the background--even when it's a victim asserting herself against a bully--parents immediately intervene to shut the fight down. Parents don't stay out of it--they step in to yell "STOP FIGHTING!" If you truly believe that a victim must defend herself, then let her do the work you believe she should do.

In addition to parents not putting two and two together, there's a second problem I believe must also be addressed. Does bullying happen in The Real World? Sadly, it does. I myself have been targeted numerous times by power-hungry individuals seeking to project their insecurities onto me. But there's a key difference between life at home and life in the adult world: control. When you're a kid, you're at the mercy of the home environment. When you're an adult, what you deal with is your choice. If I have a problem with somebody, I can stand up for myself. If and when that doesn't work, I can choose to leave the relationship. I can dump the jackass boyfriend, I can move away from crazy roommates, I can leave the job with the bullying coworker. In short, I can seek a better life elsewhere if defending myself doesn't work out. As an adult, I am much more able to protect myself.

Home life is very different. If defending yourself against your bully brother or sister doesn't work--time and time again--what do you do? You can't cut off a relationship with them until you turn eighteen. So you're stuck. You are stuck being abused and you live your life expecting to be mistreated. Which is a terrible, terrible lesson to teach a child. The reason children must be protected is because they have no control. When a person does have control, then it's appropriate to expect that person to fend for themselves. But not until then.  

And what about the bully? What is he learning about The Real World? Well, I'll tell you. He's learning: That it's O.K. to be mean. That it's just fine and dandy to get what you want by using force. That projecting your insecurities onto others is an acceptable means of handling your shortcomings. That getting a laugh out of humiliating others is a harmless form of entertainment. How will he fare in real life? How do you think he'll treat his spouse? His coworkers? His employees? The family he marries into? 

I've seen plenty of families where the victims stand up for themselves. And I've seen them do it calmly, firmly and consistently. Sometimes these interactions are successful, and many times they're not. Does this tell us that bullying is unbeatable? I don't think so. Recent bullying research shows us that the intervention of an authority figure is often the most effective way to beat bullying. And I strongly believe that when adults do their job--protect and discipline their children--positive results will follow. 

I don't see disciplining a bully as "rescuing" or otherwise stunting the development of the victim in any way. In fact, I believe that intervention is exactly what the victim needs to fully develop his or her best self. Parents may be wary that a child will see himself as helpless when an adult intervenes. The irony is that children who grow up in safe, nurturing environments where bullying is not allowed are more confident and more likely to defend themselves should the need arise. I can tell you from firsthand experience; a surefire way to ignite learned helplessness in a child is to feed him to the wolves over and over again with no protection.

When parents embrace the mentality of protecting and correcting, they not only carve out a better future life for their children. With their respectful former bully and confident former victim in hand, they create a better "Real World" for all of us. 

A Case Study

I've always wanted to be a fly on the wall in other people's families. Not because I'm creepy (although, with how much time I spend online, that's debatable), but because being able to research sibling abuse cases would be very beneficial to this project. Recently, I got exactly that opportunity, and I wasn't even expecting it. 

I just did a cultural exchange program, and part of this experience included a homestay with a family. They were a wonderful, I repeat, wonderful family. The parents, for the most part, were doing everything right. They were actively involved in the kids' lives, they ate home-cooked meals together every night, they tried to make each child (they had four) feel important and special, they were generous with affection, they respected each child's right to privacy and personal space (no bedroom-sharing! with four kids!), and in general they always went above and beyond the expected requirements of parents. They were doing exactly what all "good" parents should be doing. 

But there was one big problem. One of the siblings had taken it upon himself to pester, provoke and relentlessly annoy the others. 

Now. Before I go further, I need to address some issues. Many of you are the last-born children of your respective families, and greatly resent the "pesky younger sibling" stereotype. I respect your feelings. Youngest children are given all sorts of nasty labels, like "bratty," "spoiled," and "pesky," while eldest children are always portrayed as heavenly beings who can do no wrong. It has always been O.K. to say that a younger sibling is "pesky," but it has never been acceptable to say that an older sibling is mean. For if we do, the rebuttal will be that the mean-ness is in retaliation to the pestering. No matter what, the cultural belief is to flip the script around: the younger sibling is really the oppressor while the older sibling is the oppressed. I validate those feelings and understand why hearing one more time about those damn pesky younger siblings would be enough to make you want to throw your computer to the ground, thereby rendering future access to this blog, and the rest of this post, impossible. 

However, I have a few more things to say that might make this post easier to swallow. Yes, the instigator in this case study was the youngest child. But that's the only time I'll say that for the rest of this article. To me, his position doesn't matter: what mattered was that he was treating his siblings disrespectfully. I will make sure to stress his behavior rather than his birth order. Secondly, the primary victim in this situation was not the eldest child. She had actually moved out of the house. The other two remaining siblings were the victims, and the instigator seemed to provoke them about equally. However, the next oldest child was working a lot, and was hardly ever home. That left the third-born, the youngest daughter, to be the primary victim. So, if it helps, think of this not as an older sibling being victimized by a younger one, but as the youngest daughter being traumatized by, well, another youngest child.

Now that I've got that settled, I'll continue. The little instigator, whom I'll call Allen, did all sorts of things to pester his siblings. And at least half of his antics went on right under the parents' noses. During dinner, in the car, and whenever the family was gathered together, he would poke and prod at his sisters and generally annoy them. I could tell his behavior was really irritating the sisters, but the parents didn't seem to notice it at all. One time, we were in the car and Allen decided to start something up again with the sibling sitting right next to him. She, of course, protested. Allen only upped the ante. The sister appealed to the mother for help. She only said, "both of you, stop fighting!" She called to her mom again, but this time Allen started mimicking her. Like name-calling, mimicking is a big "no-no," and absolutely requires parental correction. The mother didn't say anything about it.

The tensions between Allen and his siblings continued to escalate. One night, there was a big fight between Allen and one of his sisters, and I couldn't help but overhear it. I wasn't there to observe what exactly led to the fight, but I'll bet you my next paycheck that I know why it happened. I'll bet you that Allen had been pestering his sister, she had already had it up to here with all of his antics, and kaboom! a big, explosive reaction ensued. I don't blame her. 

That night, what was probably most painful for her, even more than her brother's pestering, was her mom's reaction to it all. In the midst of the already extremely emotional situation, her mother made one of the most common mistakes parents make: lecturing rather than listening. "If there's a problem between you two," I could hear her yelling from downstairs, "I expect you to work it out like two adults!!!" 

That's not what's going on here, I thought to myself. This is not a conflict between them. This is a child being disrespectful who needs to be held accountable by an adult. The next morning, I went upstairs to grab something before I headed out for the day, and I ran into the mother. I could tell she was thinking about the previous night. "Good morning, Sybil," she said with a smile that did not meet her eyes, "Did you sleep well?" I answered her back kindly, but what I really wanted to do was answer her unspoken statements. I could tell that she thought of the previous night as a horrible experience of dealing with her terrible, misbehaving children while she, the long-suffering mother had to once again set them straight. 

I felt like telling her that's not what had happened the previous night. What happened was that she was the problem. She was dealing with a misbehaving son who saw it as his right to terrorize others purely for the pleasure of it. And she needed to discipline him. 

Let me make it clear once more that this woman was not a "bad mom." She was very kind and empathetic and really did care about her kids' feelings. A few days later, I overheard her asking Allen if he had made sure to do something, (like make sure something was picked up, I couldn't quite hear her) for the sake of the other sibling. It's not that she flat-out didn't care about the fighting, she just thought it was caused by something else. She thought they were fighting over things. 

Part of the problem was that the parents didn't grasp that the pestering was a big deal. They saw it, but the emotion it caused in the sisters didn't register with them. They weren't so much turning a blind eye as just being blind to the seriousness of the issue. However, I think that paying more attention to what the sisters were saying should have enlightened them. Very often, I heard one of them say, "You aren't respecting me!" right after Allen tried to irritate her. That key word, "respect," should have signaled to them to pay closer attention. 

Living with this family enlightened me more to the problem with parents. It's not that parents dealing with sibling abuse are bad parents (although some of them are). This family taught me that even the best parents can make some awful mistakes. All parents, even the best ones, need to consistently evaluate the job they're doing and ask if they need to change something. They need to be willing to ask and admit if they are the problem behind a major issue. I believe that if they do that, even if it bruises their ego, they can start to make major changes that will benefit both themselves and their families. 

  

    

When Demons Attack

It happened again the other night. I was lying in bed, minding my own business and trying to fall asleep when my demons attacked me. You've all experienced this before. But if you haven't, let me explain how it happens. 

You'll be quietly minding your own business, trying to live your life and get on with your day when a surge of raging anger overtakes you. This anger is usually brought on by a memory or memories of having been infuriated by something, usually an injustice or a time you felt particularly helpless. If you experienced sibling abuse, then this happens to you quite a bit. Actually, anger and agitation used to be my daily emotional state--even after my teenage years. 

This anger is a force that makes you want to strangle something. In fact, this anger is so powerful that physical reactions often result. You'll feel your pulse quicken, you'll grit your teeth, clench your fists, and try to hit something--anything--so you can open even the tiniest of valves on the pent-up emotions threatening to fry up your body. 

Well readers, demons have been my long-time companions. Over the years (oh yes, years) that I've been battling them, I think I have a good system for how to return to calm whenever they invade. Of course, the long-term work we're all doing to try to find some semblance of closure regarding the abuse we were victims of will be the ultimate defeat of our demons, but here are some tips to use for in the moment. 

I followed the below steps the other night and (if you'll allow me to plant a spoiler in here), I ended up feeling better. I call them my Six Steps For Fighting Demons  

1. Dance to music--The physical release of dancing to music is just what your body needs to work off the pent-up rage. But don't listen to depressing music. That's a bad idea. Listen to something with a beat to it, and something that will take your mind off your feelings. The energy of the music will soothe your body, and the lyrics will soothe your emotions by distracting them. This step took me about an hour.

2. Fool around on the internet--Once I feel like I've sufficiently calmed down, I'll go on the internet and look up something funny. Laughter is one of the best cures to debilitating depression and anger. If you don't have a favorite YouTube video yet, I recommend "how animals eat" or "the count censored." Both are hysterical and will quickly put you in a good mood.

3. Secret weapons--I have a few go-to books and exercises that I call my "secret weapons." I love the book Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and there are a few passages in there that I re-read when I'm blue. Some of you might have other books that you like to read, like The Bible or something else that you know will always cheer you up. I also do deep breathing exercises, which help calm me down.

4. Phone a friend--Maybe not right that second, but later when you feel like you can utter coherent thoughts about how you're feeling, talk to a friend about your problems. Even if you don't tell them about the very worst thoughts and emotions you were feeling, just having a sympathetic ear to listen to the problems you do feel comfortable sharing can work wonders. Friends can also be a distraction. One night I was in a particularly bad demons-y mood, and I had plans to attend a social function. Every part of me was telling me to skip it, and just spend time alone. But I knew deep down that attending the event would distract me from my problems. I went, and I was right. I felt better in an hour. It probably would have taken me all night to feel better had I just spent the evening alone.

5. Don't think about it--Finally, when you've gotten rid of all the bad energy, make yourself not think about it. Channel positive thoughts instead, and remember times when you were happy.

6. End on a good note--It's good to end demons battles with something empowering or inspiring. I usually think back to how much I've changed over the past years, and how far I've already come with my personal war on sibling abuse. Keep your head up, have faith, and know that most likely, you're going to be fine in the end.

The next morning, I went to work early and even though I had had only about four hours of fitful, restless sleep, I had a good day. I felt energetic, I talked to my coworkers, and I spent my break basking in the sunshine outside. I had almost completely forgotten about my anger episode the previous night.

I hope this routine will also help you keep your demons at bay. And hopefully one day they'll leave us altogether.

Parental Inaction, Deconstructed

One of the most painful parts of experiencing sibling abuse is the sense of helplessness that follows almost every encounter you have with your abusive sibling. I know that I never felt like I was successful if I tried to

stand up for myself. No matter what I did, it felt like my siblings simply continued to harass, embarrass, and abuse me. Parents can be a big part of this helplessness, because they often don't do anything to stop the bullying. Now, before all you parent-lurkers flock to the comments section, let me explain.

I'm sure you can find a parent feeling equally helpless about the bullying in their home. I'll bet you these parents say similar things to the victims in the situation: "Man, I've tried EVERYTHING to get Billy to stop being mean to Joey, but NOTHING WORKS!" 

But I haven't met one yet.

It astonishes and infuriates me whenever I see a parent handling--or, really, not handling--sibling abuse in their families. I have witnessed teasing, belittling, provoking, name-calling, insulting, and even hitting. I'm talking about cases where it has been very, very clear to me that one was the instigator and the other was the victim. What gets to me more than the meanness itself is the parents' response to it. Because in each occasion I've witnessed, the parents have not uttered a.single.word. about it. Or if they do, it's to tell the kids (or really, the victim), "STOP FIGHTING!!!" 

I always wonder why they don't do anything. What is the reasoning behind their inaction? If I were to ask them about it, or peer into their brains, what would I find? I haven't yet mustered the courage to confront these parents, and I don't have the ability to read minds, but if I did, I think I would find one of the following responses:

"Billy and Joey are always at each other! It's driving me up the wall! Why can't they just learn to get along and leave their poor mother in peace?" 

Or

"*chuckle* Oh, siblings. They're always so mean to each other. Oh well, that's normal!" 

Or

"It bothers me when I hear them fighting. But I stay out of it. They need to work it out themselves."

Or

"At this point, I don't care who started it. I just want it ended!"

Or

"You know, I do think Billy teases Joey a little. But I think it's not that big of a deal." 

Or

"I don't think we need to play the blame game. It takes two to tango, and we need to hold them both accountable." 

Or

"I just don't care. As long as there's no blood, it's not my problem."

Or

"If Joey has a problem with Billy, then he can handle it himself. I'm not fighting his battles for him." 

These misguided thoughts are the result of a society that has hammered into parents' brains that "sibling rivalry is normal," and that fights between siblings require no further analysis than automatically assuming both parties are guilty. This blanket assumption is a dangerous guiding mindset and needs to be thoughtfully and carefully re-examined. The truth is that sibling relationships are complicated. There is no one message guiding sibling struggles that equally applies to all families, and if that became the cultural Zeitgeist, I would be a happy camper. Sometimes I think that parents would be best suited if they simply trusted their own common sense. Throw out the parenting books, deafen your ears to your in-laws' advice, don't believe what your friends say, and form your own conclusions about what you think is happening in your family. 

In addition to the confusion with children's contributions to fights, there is another, equally concerning confusion about responsibility, and that is the parents' responsibility in the whole affair. There are some parents out there who flat-out believe that they do not have responsibility when it comes to sibling abuse. I don't understand that. I have never understood that. Parents are there to protect their children, including protecting one of their children from the other. When one of your children endangers the safety or self-esteem of the other, it is your responsibility to step in and discipline that child. 

So what exactly is the parents' responsibility? Like I said before, there is no one-size-fits-all message, but I think there are a few keys parents should keep in mind: 

-Get familiar with the dynamics going on in your specific family. Each family is different, and carries different sibling dynamics. Don't assume that what's going on is "just normal."

-Sibling squabbles usually take the form of one of three things: conflicts, rivalries, or bullying. Keep an eye on fights, and try to label them. Are your kids fighting over things? Are they competing with each other? Is one being mean to the other?

-It's not always the children's sole responsibility to "work it out themselves." That applies to their conflicts. Dealing with bullying is YOUR responsibility.

-While the victim in the situation can certainly build his or her assertiveness muscles by standing up and saying no, that's usually not the problem. Most victims do stand up for themselves, and they need to be able to rely on you to back them up (and not stand in their way by saying, "DON'T FIGHT!!!"). The bully needs you too. Remember, he or she is also learning a lesson --that put-downs are not acceptable.

-Pay attention to what the children are saying. "Leave me alone!," "Stop being mean to me!," or, plain and simple, "Stop it!" are all possible signs that bullying is occurring. Look out for insulting and teasing as well.  

-Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Being mean for fun is not normal. Correct children when they do these things.

-Sibling abuse is not rare. It's actually more common than society has made it out to be. It is a possibility that there's a bully in your home, provoking the fights.

-It's not a big deal until it happens to you. Even a seemingly harmless comment is enough to do a lot of damage. Don't immediately dismiss a child as being oversensitive or too dramatic.

-If there is a bully in your house, you'll see a pattern. He or she will often use the same tactics, and you'll notice just how often he or she provokes others.

-Trust your common sense. If any piece of wisdom goes against what you think is best, trust your own beliefs first. 

-Keep your kids' happiness as your main goal, and when you use that to guide you, you'll stumble upon better answers. 

Often I find myself thinking that if an antagonizer (bully) is present in a family, it's because the parents haven't done anything stop him or her. Because I look around me, and I think that out of every ten families dealing with sibling abuse, ONE is doing something about it. The rest are either in denial, misinformed and confused, bystanders at a loss of what to do, or completely apathetic. I wonder if bullying is most certainly preventable, and the families not experiencing it nipped it in the bud from early on. 

Most parents of two or more children experience some level of bickering between the children. And most parents complain about it. I have always been a believer in looking for solutions to problems rather than complaining about them. Parents of a bullying child especially need to look around for answers, yet most of them are looking in the wrong place. Rather than throwing their hands in the air and screaming, "WHY CAN'T MY KIDS GET ALONG?!" they should instead look at themselves. Because in many sibling abuse situations, they are the problem. And they need to take action.