What It's Like

I've been talking a lot about how terrible sibling abuse is. None of what I've been saying can really do justice to the sibling abuse experience. If you were to put yourself in the shoes of a victim, what would it be like? Here is a rough timeline of growing up with an abusive sibling.   

1. You Accept What They Say About You as Fact

Children are quite impressionable. When I was a very young child and my older siblings said something mean to me, I believed whatever they were saying was true. When they told me, "You're stupid," I immediately thought, "Oh, I'm stupid." 

2. Living in Fear

One of the big red flags of sibling abuse is that one sibling is frightened of the other. I would do anything to avoid the pain of being mocked. If I knew something would make my siblings criticize, belittle or otherwise torture me, I would not do it. I constantly walked on eggshells around them. I monitored how I dressed, how I acted, and what I said for fear of setting them off. 

3. I Thought I Was Public Property

When I was in eighth grade, I had problems with my science class lab partner cheating off me. Every morning, I would come in, unpack my backpack, and take out my homework. And every morning, my classmate would say to me, "I didn't do my homework last night...could I copy yours?" Without hesitation, I would hand over my worksheet and let her copy the answers from it. 

"We've all experienced something like this," you protest. "We've all been too scared to say 'no' before. How's this related to sibling abuse?" Here's the difference in this situation: I didn't even feel resentful I was letting her do this. I wasn't scared as much as I thought I was public property. It was only after discussing the situation with my friends that I learned this was wrong. They had to explain it wasn't right for my partner to ask this of me. Before I could even get to the point of being scared, I had to first understand other people couldn't take whatever they wanted from me. 

This is a common experience for those who have been abused. Victims of childhood sexual abuse, for example, will often become sexually promiscuous at a young age. Their sense of body-ownership has been hijacked. Here's a quote from such a victim, who reflects on her teen years of promiscuity: "I can't even remember the boys' faces. All I knew was that someone wanted something from me, and I felt it was my duty to give it to them--for no other reason than that they wanted it!" (Cloud and Townsend 282).   

4. We Weren't Allowed to Fight With Each Other

Anyone with a sibling probably remembers an incident when their parents yelled to them, "Don't fight!" or "Stop fighting!" Parents of more than one child constantly complain about sibling rivalry. On the flip side of the story, it is equally frustrating for the children to be forbidden to fight. Being forced to keep the peace is irritating in any situation, but it's especially painful with sibling abuse. 

My father immediately cracked down on us if we started bickering with each other. Actually, a more accurate way to phrase that is he allowed my siblings to attack me, but didn't let me defend myself. He didn't help us find a solution to what we were arguing about or correct the abuser. All he knew was we were fighting, it annoyed him, and he wanted it to stop immediately. This was very painful to me, because he wasn't supportive of my right to say "no." My father, who was supposed to be my ally, who was supposed to be concerned about my feelings and sense of safety, took my defenses away and left me open to more attacks. 
  

5. My Parents Never Did Anything About It
In many families, abuse happens right in front of the parents. And in many families, the parents never say a single, solitary word about it. I've witnessed this myself. I don't know why this happens, but many parents seem to think it's simply not their job to watch out for the safety of their children. This is an extra wound on top of the huge pile of pain the abused child experiences.  
 6. You Lose Your Trust in Others
For a child, the home environment is a model of the real world. Parents need to be very careful with how they raise their children. Whether a child is raised well or poorly, he or she will think, "this is what the world is like." If the child grows up in an environment where he or she is constantly bullied, that child will expect to be treated as such in the real world. 

When I was growing up, my older siblings constantly teased me--about what I wore, how I acted, who I made friends with, what interested me...the list could go on and on. I expected everybody to treat me like this. So I closed myself off from others. I thought if I kept mum, nobody would try to tear me down. This goes back to Living in Fear, except applied to the outside world. The person who has lost a sense of trust fears he cannot depend on others in times of need--so instead, he keeps to himself.     

7. Relationship Struggles
Continuing the theme of the home environment being a model of the real world, the home environment is also a child's first experience with relationships. Trust and relationships are related--relationships cannot exist without trust. The relationships modeled at home are the same relationships a child will experience in the real world. 

My family did not teach me what a healthy relationship looks like. The abusive relationships with my siblings spilled over to abusive friendships and bullying problems at school. When I ask myself why I had so many problems with creating healthy relationships, I think the answer is I simply didn't know I deserved better. My family taught me that people will treat me like crap, and there was nothing I could do about it.

After leaving the nest, a young adult is often surprised that the world in real life is unlike the world modeled at home. This can mean different things for different people. For me, one of the biggest surprises was realizing that supportive relationships--where two people cheer each other on, wish for each other's happiness and success, try to listen to and understand each other, and offer comfort during hard times--are the RULE not the EXCEPTION! All my life I had been taught other people would only tear me down. The fact that someone "being there for me" was not only possible but expected was a complete shocker to me.

8. Low Self-Esteem
Insecurity is one of the biggest consequences I have seen for emotional abuse. Individuals suffering from insecurity will compensate for this symptom in one of two ways: by becoming arrogant or by tearing others down. There are many consequences for low self-esteem, such as poor school or work performance, inability to work toward a goal, and a tendency to get easily discouraged.

For all the flack the Self-Esteem Movement has received lately, I do believe confidence is very important. Parents may disagree about how best to build a child up, but one thing parents can all agree on is that a child should never be torn down. Parents should never allow a child to be bullied, either by themselves or by a sibling.  

9. Learned Helplessness
I am convinced despair is one of the top three worst emotions any human can face. Right after depression and rage, hopelessness tears away at the soul and makes life difficult, if not impossible. 

Why does sibling abuse result in learned helplessness? I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it has to do with the sense of powerlessness an abused sibling feels at the hands of the more powerful one. Throughout the victim's childhood, he or she experiences a rigid relationship in which they are always powerless against an abusive sibling's attacks. Many children find that even when they tried to fight back, they were unsuccessful in stopping the abuse.

In my own life, I still find it very hard to fight back when I'm being abused. I'm afraid of the pain I'll feel if my attempt to stand up for myself is unsuccessful. I think to myself, "better to be in pain because of the abuse than to be in pain because I couldn't stop the abuser."       

10. Pain
If I could sum up the entire experience of sibling abuse in one word, it would be "painful." Getting picked on is painful. Feeling the rage and depression that naturally result from the abuse is painful. Feeling low self-esteem and a sense of powerlessness from the attacks is painful. 

It goes without saying that the worse the trauma, the greater amount of pain one experiences. For victims of sibling physical and sexual abuse, pain will often manifest itself in the form of eating disorders, drug and alcohol addiction, anxiety and panic disorders.

People can carry a lot of pain with them even after moving out of the house. The wounds run so deep that it is impossible to simply "shake off" the feelings that have accumulated over the years. They can also find that their pain consumes them. The bad feelings become so powerful that good feelings cannot come in. 

11. Getting Even
Children who were emotionally abused by their older siblings throughout their lives will often grow up and return the favor. All the name-calling, belittling, teasing, torturing and intimidation they received through their lives has been bottled up inside them for years. They dish it all back onto the aggressor, so she can receive a taste of her own medicine. 

This process helps both the victim and the aggressor. The victim can exorcise their demons and get out of their helpless state. They also find relief in knowing there were consequences and that the abuser didn't get away with murder. The abuser, who grew up believing the bullying was no big deal, will often become enlightened after receiving a taste of their own medicine. "Oh," the bully thinks to himself. "This is how it feels when people are mean to you."   

The Birth Order Bias

You cannot discuss sibling abuse without also discussing The Birth Order Bias. This is what I have named the belief that certain birth orders are superior and less desirable while others are inferior and more desirable. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, "birth order" refers to a child's placement in the family (oldest child, middle child, etc.). According to The Bias, an "easy" birth order creates a "bad" person while a "tough" birth order creates a "good" person. Here it is:

Eldest Children

Eldest Children
Eldest children are "good." They are patient, obedient, reliable, compliant, helpful, organized, conscientious, driven, and mature. (These characteristics look especially good when contrasted with the sloppy, lazy, unreliable youngest sibling, but we'll get to that later.)What's behind their perfection? A miserable childhood. If there is any birth order most likely to complain about their growing up years, it's the eldest child. I probably don't even need to tell you their story. I'm sure most of you have heard the tune and can sing it with me. They were the guinea pigs; Mom and Dad didn't have a clue what they were doing, so they used their oldest child as practice. They received the harshest discipline while their younger siblings got away with murder. They babysat their younger siblings at Mom's convenience. They got the blame if their younger siblings did anything wrong. They were sheltered and naive because they didn't have older siblings to teach them the secrets of life. They had to set a good example. They helped the most around the house because the younger ones were too little. They faced a lot of pressure: they were the representatives of the family and had to give their family a good name. They had high expectations thrust on them and had to grow up fast. And of course, they had to deal with those pesky younger siblings. But all of this hardship made them into the hard-working, responsible, patient person they are today. Eldest children had it so bad, and that's what makes them so good. In fact, they're better than you, and you must bow down and worship them and feel grateful you did not have the sorry existence of Being The Oldest.  

Only Children

Only Children
Only children, on the other hand, are "bad." They are spoiled, self-centered, attention-seeking, lonely, unsociable, maladjusted, impatient, unpopular, and generally unlikable. What made the only child like this? Their paradise of a childhood, where they were spoiled, spoiled, spoiled. Only children benefited from having all of Mom and Dad's attention and affection to themselves. It is assumed that if parents had only one, it must be due to infertility or some other terrible misfortune. This makes only children extra precious and extra worshiped. Additionally, only children never had to share their toys with siblings. Everything they've ever had was all to themselves. The parent worship coupled with no sharing naturally formed the only child into a self-centered narcissist. Only children are also maladjusted. They are used to getting their way, so whenever they don't get what they want, they get impatient and frustrated. The lucky ducklings also never had to fight with siblings, and couldn't possibly understand compromise or conflict-management. The only child simply doesn't fare well in life. They had it too good to know how to deal with setbacks.  Nobody likes an only child. They are lonely and don't know how to make friends. Because they didn't have siblings, they didn't learn social skills. They don't know how to share, be courteous, communicate effectively, or be inclusive. They are used to being the center of attention, so they will hog the spotlight from you whenever they get the chance. The only child will grow up to be very unpopular with their peers. That kid in playgroup who won't share his toys with your son? He's most likely a Spoiled Only Child.  

Middle Children

Middle Children
Middle children, like eldest children, are "good." They are peacemaking, independent, well-adjusted, loyal, adaptable, sociable, resilient, unspoiled, and non-demanding. How did they get this way? You guessed it: a rough youth. The middle child's growing-up years are the opposite of those of the only child. Rather than being the center of attention, the middle child was always ignored. Their parents were so focused on the guinea-pig firstborn and coddling the baby of the family that they forgot to pay attention to their middle child. Aside from being a fifth wheel, the middle child also missed out on the special treatment of their siblings. They were born too late and too soon. Their older sibling got the perks and privileges and their younger sibling got the spoiling. What did they get? Nothing. But never fear! These hardships built some good old-fashioned character into the middle child. Because they didn't get attention at home, middles wandered off and made plenty of friends. Consequently, they got lots of experience with making relationships work. Later in life, middles are great at marriage: They know the relationship game and will be committed to their spouse to avoid feeling like a fifth wheel again.  Missing out on special treatment also proved to be an advantage: Middles are used to not getting what they want. When life gets rough, they roll with the punches. A middle child will never be that rude, overly-demanding restaurant customer like the person you sat next to last Friday (who was most likely an only child). Finally, being between two siblings gave the middle child experience with mediating. Need to compromise on something? A middle child will step to it! They may have had a really tough time growing up, but middle children rose above it to become nothing short of awesome.             

Youngest Children

Youngest Children
Oh, the youngest child. You can probably recite this diatribe by heart, people have attacked you so often with it. Youngest children are "bad." They are attention-seeking, manipulative, spoiled, immature, irresponsible, messy, lazy, mischievous, and obnoxious. What made them this way? (Does it even bear repeating?) Their golden palace of a childhood! The youngest child sure had the sweet life. From day one, they were smothered with attention and affection. Everyone from their older siblings to total strangers couldn't help but spoil and coddle the baby, who was just so darn cute. Pretty soon, they got the hint: The world revolves around me! Knowing the world loves to give them attention, and being a bit self-centered, the youngest child used their cuteness to charm and manipulate people. They are masters at getting whatever they want. Attention gave the youngest child a thirst for the spotlight. They loved to ruin the family photo by making silly faces and pestering their older siblings for a reaction--anything to get noticed. But attention isn't the only benefit of being the youngest. The youngest child led an easy existence at home. They were too little to do any chores, so their older siblings begrudgingly carried their burden. That's why youngest siblings never pick up after themselves and don't know what hard work is. Not doing chores wasn't the only thing babies got away with. Their parents were so wiped out when their last-born arrived, they didn't care to discipline the brat. The baby of the family got away with everything, especially things the firstborn always got punished for.  Actually, Mom and Dad were determined to make the youngest child's life as easy as possible. They babied their baby and rescued them from any task they complained was too difficult. Their older siblings also made the baby's life easier--by being guinea pigs and making mistakes. The youngest child never had to learn by trial and error! In every family, the baby is sure to be a spoiled, self-centered brat. But this is to be expected--after all, they're the youngest!

But here's the thing about The Birth Order Bias: It is total B.S. Birth order is considered a part of "pop psychology" and has always been controversial. Actually, "laughable" might be a better word. Don't believe me? Here's a test. Find a friend, colleague, or neighbor whose birth order you don't know. Then guess it and see if you were correct. I'm pretty good at reading people and I've been wrong at least half the time.  

So why do people talk about birth order? On its surface, birth order theory is meant to explain personality traits. Its true purpose is to subjugate some members of society (youngest and only children) and glorify the rest (eldest and middle children). Of course, this is unfair. Even The Birth Order Book makes this claim: "No birth order is 'better' or more desirable than another" (Leman, p. 288). This hasn't stopped people from saying that certain birth orders are superior to others. Abused siblings find The Bias especially infuriating, because many of them are youngest children. 

But here's the good news: The Birth Order Bias is starting to die off. As families get smaller, fewer of them fit the "oldest, middle, youngest" mold The Bias most adequately describes. Whether or not you've heard about it depends on your age, where you grew up, and a few other circumstances. If you are one of three or more siblings, you're more likely to have heard it. If you were surrounded by conservative folk (i.e., you went to church every Sunday or your parents are conservative) you're more likely to have heard it. Over the years, I have constructed the following theory: If you were born after 1985, grew up in a liberal area, come from a family of two or fewer children, and didn't spend a lot of time around conservatives, you've probably never heard about The Birth Order Bias. 

Not only is The Bias bogus, the kicker is that it's the other way around. If no birth order is more desirable than another, youngest children have just as many problems as eldest children. Unlike eldest children, youngest children's experiences are constantly invalidated. I once read a post on an Internet discussion board by a youngest child. He wrote, "I hate being the youngest. Everyone says you have it good, but they have no idea!" So what's the real truth? Eldest children have it good. They have it good for being validated for their problems--validation youngest children also deserve but never receive. Youngest children are the true saviors here, for they deal with two burdens: the problems of their birth order and the problems of fighting a world that constantly denies and diminishes their experiences.  

Exhibit A

I was at a bookstore once, and I came across this. I'm sure many of you have seen it before. For those of you who haven't, it's basically what it says it is: a collection of family photos that are a bit...awkward. Some of them are so weird, they actually make you squirm with their awkwardness.  Many of them are photos that have you shaking your head, saying to yourself, "what were they thinking?"

The first time I opened this book, I laughed at a lot of the photographs. (Honestly, some of them are hysterical.) But then I turned to this little gem. It didn't make me laugh. Not at all. I looked at it. I read the caption. I let the situation sink in. And then I got angry. Really, REALLY angry. I cannot believe these parents.

You'll have to excuse the poor quality of the photo. I took a picture of the picture in the book. What you're seeing is a child getting sick into a bag while her parents stand by, smiling at the camera, oblivious to the fact that there is anything wrong with this picture. What you're seeing is sibling abuse. 

I could fill you in on the backstory myself, but I think I'll let the mother do the talking. In her words: My youngest daughter doesn't fare so well with long airplane rides. One year, we traveled to Paris on Christmas Day, and visited the Eiffel Tower. Once we got down, between the cold and the fact that we'd just gotten off of the plane, my daughter had to vomit. My older daughter thought it was funny, so she decided to take the picture while her sister was getting sick. And my husband and I just decided, oh well, we might as well smile! 

Where do I start? How can parents think this is in any way acceptable? How would you feel if your daughter was taking a picture of you getting sick? How would your older daughter feel if it was her sister taking a picture of her getting sick? And what's more, why did you get this PUBLISHED?! I have one question for you parents: What were you thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

I know there's not a lot of awareness about sibling abuse. That's my purpose in writing this blog. I want to help parents understand when they're dealing with an abusive situation. But do I REALLY need to sit here and explain that a child should not be allowed to humiliate their sibling? Isn't that Human Empathy 101? This is the type of idiocy I'm talking about, folks. This is the type of clear-cut emotional abuse that could never be explained away as "sibling rivalry" that parents still manage to ignore.

What really grates at me is the mother's attitude about it all. It's like she claims to have no power or responsibility in the situation. It's like she doesn't understand that she is THE MOM and is therefore in charge of guiding her children to act properly. Here's a thought: Tell your daughter NO. No, she may not take a picture of her sister getting sick. And if she does, she's grounded, and you're taking her camera away for the rest of the trip (as well as destroying the photo). 

But the sinking feeling I get is that the parents just don't care. My older daughter thought it was funny... she writes. Maybe the parents thought it was funny, too. 

Well, idiot parents, I've got news for you. The joke's on you now. You are Exhibit A of parental irresponsibility on a blog for preventing sibling abuse. In being placed on my blog, I have put you on an Internet Wall of Shame. I have slapped you with the label of "Bad Parents." It is your turn to bask in the humiliation you have so casually inflicted on your daughter. Who's laughing now?