Revictimization

It is important to not stereotype survivors of abuse. Bad things can happen to anyone. However, a common finding in research on female survivors of childhood sexual abuse is that those who undergo sexual victimization at a young age are two to three times more likely than their non-victimized peers to experience a sexual assault in adulthood (Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992). This is a phenomenon that researchers have called "revictimization," and is both perplexing and troublesome. 

Why does it happen?

Like in nearly all research surrounding abuse, there are no concrete answers. But, there are a few theories:

1. Under-developed boundaries: There are two predictors that can greatly increase a survivor's chances of being revictimized. These are 1) The younger the victim was at the time of the abuse, the more likely she will endure revictimization. 2) The more severe the abuse, the greater her chances are of revictimization. A possible explanation for these two factors is that the individual's ability to develop good boundaries has been severely compromised. When we are young, we are very vulnerable. We accept the world as it is presented to us. When a loved one abuses us, we accept it as normal. The more severely we are violated, the more damage is being done to our boundaries. 

2. Inaccurate "Danger Cue" Reading: In one study, some researchers found that those who reported revictimization were not as good as their non-victimized peers at identifying people who broke what they labeled "social contracts." In other words, they couldn't identify people who would likely do them harm. Another study presented its participants with a hypothetical dangerous situation. Those who had been victimized as children reported that they would leave after the situation became physical, while those who had never been victimized reported they would leave well before then. It has also been noted that the "cue-reading" works both ways. Those set out to victimize others are good at "reading" who will likely be a victim, and who will not. 

3. Coping Mechanisms and Adjustment Issues: I've mentioned in a previous post that survivors of sexual abuse have been robbed of their body-ownership. Because they have been treated so cruelly by others, they believe that their bodies are simply available to whoever wants them. Researchers have found that survivors of childhood sexual abuse are likely to engage in much higher amounts of consensual sex than those who have not been victimized. They are also more likely to self-medicate with alcohol. These both can make survivors more vulnerable to attacks. Also, the usage of coping mechanisms like denial, self-blame, and distancing from social relationships can increase a survivor's vulnerability. These can all decrease a survivor's sense of self-worth and her motivation and ability to protect herself.  

I think it's not just survivors of sexual abuse who can face revictimization. I went through emotional abuse as a child, and throughout my growing-up years I was constantly being pushed around. I believe that there are parallels between revictimization of both sexual abuse and other types of abuse, and they are worth studying. 

The Healing Journey

In the ten months that I've been writing this blog, one post stands out above the rest as the most frequently read. That is my post on the long-term effects of sibling abuse. Many of you are coming here, in agonizing emotional pain from the injustices and mistreatment you had to face throughout your childhood. Many of you want to know how you can heal. There is an expression that states that time and distance heal all wounds. Maybe this is true for some things, but the pain left over from sibling abuse runs especially deep. So how do you cope? How do you fight your demons, make peace with the past and move on with your life?

I don't have all the answers to those questions, as I myself am struggling through my own healing journey. But I have picked up a few bits of wisdom. I've learned a little bit about what not to do, and a bit about what to do. So I have, if you will, a list of DOs and DON'Ts about healing. Here we are:

DON'T deny or minimize what happened to you. By telling yourself that all of your heartache is really "no big deal" in the end, you are invalidating your feelings. Your soul doesn't like that, and it will rebel. 

DON'T avoid your feelings. Some people think that by pushing all their anguish to an inside corner of their mind, it will simply disappear. It won't. In fact, it will most likely worsen. Feelings don't like being repressed. When you push down on them, they will push back. 

DON'T close yourself off from others. In a society where sibling abuse has received next to no attention, many survivors feel like no one will understand what they've been through. Many people, after having learned that people they're supposed to trust will only hurt them, think it's simply better to hide their pain from others. Individuals who have been through physical or sexual abuse have an especially hard time, as it's difficult for them to find an opportune moment to share their stories. In any case, being closed off from others completely destroys any chance of finding healing, as healing can only be done in relationship with other people. 

DO distance yourself from your abuser and those who failed to protect you. The phrase that time and distance heal wounds didn't lie. Distance works wonders. This is even more true when your abuser is still abusing you. This might mean waiting until you move out of the house, but you can find ways to distance yourself by being with your friends or simply by avoiding your sibling. 

DO honor your pain. Rather than suppressing your anger, shame, and depression, it is necessary to unleash it. Get it out of your system. The good news is that this can be done alone. Pick a day when you are alone in your house, and let it all out. Shred newspapers. Scream into a pillow. Beat the living daylights out of your mattress. Trust me, this works. Every time I do this, I feel better.

DO share your experiences with someone you trust. Find a friend, and tell them about what happened to you. Pick a good time to bring the subject up, and tell them everything. This sympathetic listener should hear your troubles and provide a shoulder to cry on. This makes all the difference in the world in the healing journey.

Your feelings do not want to be shoved aside. They want to be listened to and respected. And by respecting your feelings, you are respecting yourself.