A Taste of Their Own Medicine

The aftermath of sibling abuse can be very difficult indeed. There is not enough research out there to analyze all the long-lasting effects of having been traumatized by a relative. What can we do, as former victims, to support ourselves and give ourselves what we need so we can heal? Researchers have yet to find the answer to that question. However, some everyday folks think they have. For many former sibling abuse victims, a big part of the healing journey is growing up and giving their abuser a taste of their own medicine. In a process I call Attack Back, former victims march up to their oppressors and give them a nice dose of what they deserve. What does that accomplish? Quite a bit, actually. Here I have a few reasons why dishing back what your sibling dished out can have a positive effect, on both the abuser and the abused.    

A Release of Your Anger
One of the most immediate effects of Attacking Back (and also one of its driving forces) is the release of anger it provides the victim. One time, I was in my room, bubbling over with fury with memories of abuse. I decided to take matters into my own hands and write a nasty Facebook message on one of my siblings' walls. I knew there would be consequences (there were). I knew others would see her as the innocent victim (they did). But I'm glad I did it. Because the next day, I felt a huge relief. It was like all of my anger had disappeared. And it felt good. (A word of advice for anyone who has decided to Attack Back; for best results, try not to get third parties involved. It's better if there are no witnesses.) 

Providing Consequences
Even if Attacking Back accomplishes nothing else, it can provide the former victim with a sense of closure, that the aggressor has been punished. Something that has always bothered me about the concept of forgiveness is the lingering question of what happens to the aggressor. Do they get off scot-free? Especially if said aggressor is a family member, is it acceptable to carry on a relationship with this person by pretending nothing ever happened? Because that sounds more like denial than forgiveness to me. By providing consequences, the victim can take ownership of the relationship and give the aggressor an acceptable punishment for what he or she did.  

It Can Genuinely Be Helpful
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," says Gandhi. I beg to differ. In many life situations, not just with sibling abuse, I have seen positive consequences result from an aggressor receiving a taste of their own medicine. We all operate according to our own feelings. And part of the reason why survivors of emotional abuse develop a strong sense of empathy is because they understand how much it hurts to be picked on. In some families, I have seen aggressor siblings develop a true awareness of others' feelings once the victim-aggressor roles switched. Sometimes, it's not the sibling that provides this awareness, but the real world. Maybe it's moving to a rude city, or dealing with a jerk boss, but real-world consequences often open the eyes of a mean sibling who once thought that teasing was no big deal.    

Reaffirmation
One of the biggest reliefs for me when I started dishing back to my siblings what they had given to me was a sense that I had been right all along: what they had done to me had been wrong. You can easily convince yourself that you've just been "too sensitive" all these years. Teasing isn't that big of a deal, is it? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. When I saw my siblings' reactions, I saw reflected back at me my own emotions: shock, embarrassment, rage. I honestly didn't say something that mean to you, I would think to myself, and now you are feeling the exact same emotions that I always felt whenever you did the same to me. I would walk away with a sense of satisfaction, even more confident that what I was fighting against was something worth the fight. 

Ridding Yourself of Fear and Shame
When siblings bully, the memories attached to the bullying stick to the emotional messages. For example, maybe your sister made fun of a way you styled your hair. From then on, whenever you saw that hairstyle or wore your hair that way, you couldn't shake the memory of your sister bullying you. Something very normal, like a hairstyle, provoked feelings of anger in you. Something very similar happened to me. When I grew up and saw my sister carrying the same fashion statement she had made fun of me for, I went up to her and gave her the same snarky comment she had given to me. She got angry, but I walked away feeling satisfied. Whenever I saw that hairstyle again, it was just....a hairstyle. The negative emotions were no longer attached. 

Rebuild Relationship
As weird as it sounds, when a sibling decides to take revenge on their oppressor, it's often the go-light for the rebuilding of their relationship. In most families I have observed, the aftermath of the Attack Back was of course ugly, but it also was the action that cleared the air between the siblings. To the former abuser, the attacks served as a message, that the abused knows what the abuser did and will make them pay for it. What's probably the best message from the entire experience is the overall, "we're even now," that each side feels after the formerly abused rises up. For many siblings, Attack Back bridged the gap between them. Both were able to move on.   

Now, if you are reading this post, here's the question that is at the back of your mind. The question some of you are trying your utmost to avoid. Actually, it's really two questions. The first one is this: Is it absolutely necessary that I do this? And the second is this: If I don't seek revenge, what does that make me?

I don't have the answers to those questions. I cannot tell you if giving your sibling a taste of their own medicine is something you should do. But what I promise not to do is lecture you with ridiculous bullshit like, "Don't be the aggressor. Choose the higher road." That advice has never been helpful. Someone who is bubbling over with anger should never be told to repress their feelings. But I have a few questions for you to ask yourself to better help you decide what you should do.

The first is this: Has your sibling expressed remorse in any way? Sometimes mean siblings see the light all on their own, and don't need any extra help from you. I didn't have to be a bully to one of my siblings who had already seen the light and found ways to apologize for what she did. 

The second is this: Are you prepared for the consequences? Because there will be consequences. Your sibling will get angry with you. This can be satisfying, but it can also be frustrating, because your sibling will claim innocent victimhood when they are definitely not an innocent victim. Other people in your life may get involved, and may also side against you. To outsiders who don't know your story, you look like the bad guy, and they will try to intervene and pick sides against you as well. 

The third is this: Am I making the right decision for myself? Am I doing it because it feels right, or because I feel like I need to copy what I saw in someone else's family? Is there another option that appeals more strongly to me?  

If, after answering all of those questions, you feel you should Attack Back, go for it. I wish you luck, and hope you get what you need from it. 

An eye for an eye might make the whole world blind, but turning the other cheek will eventually kill us all. Whatever path you choose, I hope it's one that does not ignore evil, but turns to it and fights it head on.    

Survival Guide

There is nothing quite so soul-crushing as living with an abusive sibling (or two...or more). Every day can feel like a struggle for survival. You are constantly being pummeled, and it feels like there's nowhere for you to turn. Add unsupportive parents to that, and you have a real recipe for emotional trauma. You may be constantly telling yourself, I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. Well, hang in there. I have a few tips to pass on from my own experience of being a sibling abuse survivor. 


Take Care of Yourself

When you are in an emotionally fragile state, one of the best things you can do is simply take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Reduce the stress in your life. Eat healthily. Exercise. A brain that is already super-charged with heavy emotions will become ten times worse when it has not been given the tools it needs to function well. When other people are treating you terribly, you can treat yourself right. 

Do What You Can

I once saw a therapist who told me that my life was in my total control, and if something was going wrong, I had the total power to fix it. Bullshit. That is never true for any person, and that is especially not true when your parents are still in charge. The only advice I have is this: Take charge of the few things you can control. One of the best things you can do when you're dealing with sibling abuse is to tell your parents that it's bothering you.

Now, the majority of you just screamed at your computer, "But I HAVE told them!!!!!!!!" And I know, I was there too. Parents often minimize problems, or simply refuse to listen. However, there are a few communication techniques you can use to increase the chances of your parents hearing you out.

• be specific - Instead of telling your mom, "Megan always teases me!" use a concrete example. This is even better if your parents were there to witness it. You can tell your mom, "It really hurt my feelings when Megan made fun of me for how much I ate at dinner tonight." And then remind your mom to do her job, "Can you tell her not to tease me if she does that again?
• be consistent - Now some of you are rolling your eyes. You can already predict what your mom will say. She 'll brush your feelings aside like she always does and say that Megan was "just joking." In cases like these, be as consistent as possible. Tell your parents after every single teasing encounter that your feelings are hurt. After some repetition, some parents will finally get the hint. 
• be emotional - Some parents who are deep in denial need a bigger push to wake them up. These parents will finally admit something serious is going on when they've seen tears. How do you make that happen? Well . . . you don't. Emotional outbursts happen when they want to happen. But if you feel one coming, have at it. 

And even if you do all of the above, your parents still might not get it. If that happens, at least know you've done all you can. Unlike my therapist, I do not believe we have the total power to change our circumstances. We just have to try our best, and hope that it works. If it doesn't, that's where the next step comes in.  

Establish Emotional Distance

If you and your sibling live in the same house, it's impossible to physically cut them out of your life. But you can do so emotionally. Your sibling has shown that he or she is not worthy of your trust. So, limit your contact with this person as much as possible. Don't sit down and watch T.V. with her, don't play games with him, don't tell him or her about your day, your friends, or your problems (after all, they're probably your biggest problem). If you feel comfortable doing so, delete them as a facebook friend. When you're hanging out at home, do activities by yourself. Go online, facebook chat with your friends, read, play with the cat, do homework. Become a pseudo only child. Or, hang out with one of your parents. But build a wall between you and the abusive sibling(s). They aren't worth your time anymore.

Don't Blame Yourself

Most kids struggling with sibling abuse (at least the emotional kind) don't struggle with explicit self-blame. They have a pretty good idea that it's not their fault. And that's good! But they can still struggle with feelings of shame and/or insecurity and inadequacy. Why? Because there exists a false belief that abuse only happens to pathetic people who have chosen to be passive. That if you're being bullied, it's because you are weak. Hear me when I say this: that. is. not. true. 

I have never, ever thought that the bullying in a family was the result of a weak, pathetic child "inviting" attacks from harder-working siblings. Poor parenting, family dynamics, personality of the aggressor, and bad luck are usually the culprits. In other words, things that were out of your control. Sibling abuse is never, ever the victim's fault.

So instead of beating yourself up with the thought, "Why did this happen to me?" look back on your past as something that made you wiser, more aware of the human condition. If someone as strong as you could have been treated so horrendously, then you now know that even the mightiest person can also be brought to their knees. In other words, bad things can happen to anybody. 

Find Support

One of the most essential ingredients in sibling abuse recovery (or even just making it through the day), is a support system. It is also one of the hardest things to attain. It would be wonderful if we could sit down with our friends and talk about the deepest, darkest, most injured parts of ourselves. But if you're like most people, you have enough trouble communicating with your friends adequately enough to get to see a movie together. 

But all hope is not lost, because you can find support through other measures. For me, the Internet was the answer. During my worst years at home, I joined an online group where the other members and I talked about how much we hated our families. It did feel better to get my feelings out, in an environment where I was (mostly) supported. What was probably the most helpful aspect of the group was knowing I was not alone and that some people had it worse than I did. But I'll admit, it was hard to form a true bond with no face-to-face interaction. 

Another resource is a trusted adult. For me, that was my church youth group leader. If one exists in your life, use him. These people are awesome sources of support, as their job is to form a connection with the youth in the church. My youth pastor was very understanding, and I wish I had talked to him more. Are there other adults in your life you could talk to? Don't shake your head. I can see you shaking your head. Seriously, sit down and think about the adults you know who could help you out. Is there an aunt? uncle? grandparent? family friend? neighbor? childhood babysitter? one of your friends' parents? summer camp counselor? If there is an adult in your life you're already close to, consider talking to them about your sibling issues. Adults have seen a lot of the world, and you might be surprised by their compassion. 

If you're lucky enough to have a friend you're really close to, feel free to lean on them and talk about your family problems. And then listen as they share their troubles with you.

Find Distractions

And if you can't find support (or even if you can) distractions work wonders. This is where your everyday friendships come in. A night out with your friends can make you temporarily forget your problems. And sometimes a break is just what you need. Distractions can also come in the form of YouTube cat videos, stand-up comedians, your favorite book, or your favorite T.V. show. 

For me, whenever I was feeling awful, Eat, Pray, Love was my go-to resource for both support and distraction. I would soothe myself with Elizabeth Gilbert's words and temporarily lose myself in the author's journey across Italy, India and Indonesia. (It's a great book, by the way, go check it out.) Both comforting and familiar, it was the perfect resource for pulling me back to equilibrium when my feelings ran amok.     

Avoid Nighttime

When you were little, monsters came out at night. Now that you're older, they still do. Many people suffering from depression, anxiety, anger or whatever say that these feelings get worse at nighttime. This is because night is the time for introspection. Everything gets dark and quiet, and the loud, busy hecticness of life isn't there to drive the demons away. 

So try to go to bed as quickly as possible. After dinner, work on homework, watch T.V. for an hour or two, and then go to bed. Do not stay up ruminating over all the things that are bothering you. Go to sleep, and your demons will leave you alone. 

Have Faith 

You don't believe it now, but life will eventually get better. Your sibling(s) will move out of the house. You will move out of the house. You may decide to cut off a relationship with your sibling(s). 

Not only that, but I've also seen justice be served in many cases. In my own family and in others' families, I've seen abusive siblings learn their lesson once they hit the real world. Sometimes even before then. Often, siblings know that what they're doing is wrong. All they need is a real-world consequence or two to make them finally admit it. 

Some people will turn to a literal faith to see them through. Reading the bible and praying are two activities that religious people find helpful. 

In the words of Andy Grammar, "You gotta keep your head up . . . The sun will always come again."