My Facebook Empowerment Experiment

So I've told you about my not attending a sibling's wedding. Well, a few months ago, some long-time acquaintances of mine decided to have a word with me about it. On Facebook. For everyone to see. 

That's right. Completely disregarding my feelings, or my desire to keep what was happening AWAY from my current life, these people posted public messages on my wall expressing their disappointment with my decision. I "should have been there" they said. They "hope I don't regret my decision one day." Well, that last person won't be let down, because I won't regret my decision. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize what I did was right. It was the proper expression of my disappointment, anger, and loss of trust and love for this particular sibling. Had I gone, I would be kicking myself now for betraying my feelings and bending to others' will. My not attending the wedding meant that others had to stomach the same heartache, disappointment and anger that I had always felt. It was a punishment that fit the crime (if there can ever be a fitting enough punishment for sibling abuse). 

But that doesn't mean these people's statements didn't irk me. It wasn't the statements themselves, as much as the fact they were made and the emotion behind them. How dare these people think they can publicly criticize me? How dare they completely dismiss my feelings? And how dare they pick sides! Don't they realize that, in a situation like this, there are definitely two sides to the story? I couldn't believe they would blatantly side against me. How immature of them. 

I didn't know how to respond, and I knew that any response, public or private, would lead to a Facebook war with them. So I deleted their comments, and that was that. I was showing them that I had no time for their words, and didn't hold much stock in their comments (which are both true), but the entire situation bothered me for quite a bit. 

One lesson all this drama has taught me is that, during a controversial situation, the best thing you can do is NOT give your "two cents."It is the opposite of helpful. The other person will not think, "Hmmm....you're right! I'll just change my mind right now!" The reverse will happen. The person will feel invalidated and dig their heels farther into the ground. What's more, you will increase the person's mistrust for the other side and polarize the conflict. 

The best thing you can do, for BOTH sides, is to simply....listen. Just listen! Put your ego aside. Forget where you personally stand, and listen to what the other person has to say. Validate their feelings. Show them you care. Even if you feel strongly they're wrong, don't tell them what you think. And then you've made the situation better for both sides, because now both sides feel understood, validated and supported. They are much more likely to make peace after they've been listened to than after they've been railed against. 

Those thoughts had been rambling around in my mind for quite a while, and I was wondering what to do with them. I was thinking of making some sort of Facebook post about it, but I didn't want it to be explicitly about the wedding. So I waited for a different controversial event to happen, where I could sneakily slide my thoughts in, and finally found one this week. I won't get into too much detail, but in my community there has recently been controversy about pro-life messages that were scrawled in public areas. Obviously, some people were very upset about this, including me. 

I used this event to express my thoughts about listening to opposing sides rather than lecturing at them. Let's just say that, although my post was definitely about the pro-life incident, it was carefully worded so that family members could clearly tell the message was also aimed at them. I was nervous about posting it, but so glad I did. So far, fourteen people have"liked" my status, not a single one of them a Wedding Controversy Person. That shows me they got my message.

After writing that message, I felt like I had put power back in my hands. I didn't need to walk around in an angry cloud over what someone had done to me. I had taken their (passive-aggressive) messages, and responded with my own (equally passive-aggressive) reply. This brings up another topic that I've been thinking about: the idea of empowering oneself. What can we do as survivors to combat our traumatic pasts? We grew up feeling battered and helpless, and walking around with an angry cloud over our heads was our only option. But now what? What can we do to tell our stories, combat current abusive situations, and raise awareness about sibling abuse?

It doesn't have to be a big, dramatic statement. It can be a quiet, small one like my Facebook status. But I think it's important to give ourselves voices. We deserve them, and now that we can speak, we have a duty to make the voiceless heard.       

Undeveloped Limit-Setting Abilities

Boundaries are something that I've struggled with a lot throughout my life. We all do, but I believe my own boundary problems have been worse than the average person's. And a lot of my struggles can be attributed to sibling abuse.

You don't know "non-confrontational"until you're frightened of your sister screaming at you because of how you sort the laundry. You can't understand walking on eggshells until you've experienced the daily fear of "what is my sister going to make fun of me today for?". You don't know how hilariously inept you find the advice "just say no" until you've experienced painful, debilitating learned helplessness at the hands of your parents who have no concern whatsoever for the fact that you're being repeatedly disrespected.

That's only a small smattering of what I experienced as a child, which carried over into my adult life, and still affects me today. For a long time, I thought my inability to say no was simply due to a fear of confrontation. Nobody likes making others angry, right? Well, I read a book a while ago that really gave me insight into my struggles. It's called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can buy it on Amazon for less than $10. If you choose to buy it, trust me, it's worth the price.

One of the most significant contributions that book made to the understanding of myself was their explanation of how boundaries can be damaged. One big reason people from dysfunctional families have trouble setting boundaries is because they've been taught that when they say "no," they will lose someone's love.

This statement didn't resonate with me all at once, but after I sat down and thought about it for a bit, I noticed patterns in my life that really confirmed this theory. The biggest key for me was realizing that my saying "no" to my oldest sibling (the one I've cut off a relationship with) only took place after I knew I didn't love her anymore. Because when that happened, I knew I had nothing to lose if I said no.

There are many ways children can feel like they've lost someone's love, and one of these ways is when their attempts to say no are greeted with hostility. In my case, there were several ways in which my "no" was not respected. One way was through my siblings. If I stood up to them, they would often increase their efforts to make fun of me, or get angry and yell back. Another way was through my parents. If I fought back, my dad would immediately jump in and tell us "STOP FIGHTING!!!" I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself when I was being disrespected. I can remember different moments throughout my childhood when I felt resentful about something, but didn't speak up because I was worried about getting in trouble. Even from a young age, my parents had ingrained in me the firm belief that Fighting Is Bad.

In my life today, I can spot patterns reminiscent of my childhood. I still fear losing someone's love, and will often not say no to unreasonable demands. And then there are the bullies. I feel like I am constantly running into those gremlins. Within the past three years, I can name four separate incidents where I was bullied by someone (usually a roommate, coworker, or classmate). It makes me feel angry and helpless all over again. My attempts to stand up for myself are never successful.

Helplessness is a big factor in having unhealthy boundaries. "What's the use?" is my battle cry. I'd rather feel angry than both angry and defeated. I discovered long ago that the underdog story sensationalized in Hollywood films is nothing but a myth. Fighting back does not do anything to stop the aggressor. Not being attacked has more to do with not being seen as a target, something I have not yet figured out how to accomplish.

And then there are other ways people can develop unhealthy boundaries. These are often inappropriate attempts to set boundaries, such as withdrawing from relationships, taking insecurities out on others, bullying so as to be seen as more powerful, or overcompensating by being very controlling.

But there is hope. You can develop better boundaries. This usually occurs when close friends redo the work done by your family of origin. After developing close connections with these people, you can begin to feel safe in saying no. Because you learn that you will be loved, even when you set limits.

Four Reasons to Stop Sibling Abuse

No matter how much explaining, cajoling, pleading, or proving you do, some people will never believe that sibling abuse is a serious issue. Even after providing example after example, countless studies and statistics, some people remain adamantly convinced that all sibling acts are normal and harmless. It utterly amazes (and repulses) me. Short of giving these people a nice, healthy dose of their own medicine (no one, I repeat, no one would hold that position after experiencing sibling bullying themselves), I've come up with four reasons why sibling abuse must be taken seriously, and soon thereafter, ended.

Parent, you should stop (what I have referred to as) sibling abuse....

For Yourself: Your kids are driving you nuts, aren't they? They're constantly at each other! No matter how many times you've told them to knock it off, they just won't STOP FIGHTING! It's constant back and forth and back and forth...How come they haven't learned how to resolve their problems yet? How come they can't work it out like adults? Here's the thing: If the fighting in your home is really intense; if they aren't fighting over objects and you can't pinpoint what exactly they're fighting about; if one kid is smiling while the other is really angry, you are very likely dealing with sibling abuse which is NOT normal, and NOT something children can work out themselves. This situation calls for adults to step in and hold the AGGRESSOR accountable. This is not a situation where the siblings are equally responsible. If you blame them both, you will get a more resentful victim, a more satisfied bully, and the warfare will not only continue, but intensify. It's very simple to me: Stop the bullying and you'll stop the warfare.

For The Victim: The victim needs to see that you have a vested interest in protecting him. She needs to know that her right to be respected will be enforced. He needs to be able to protect himself in the real world, and not being trampled on at home will do that. Being protected will diminish the feelings of resentment the victim will hold towards both the bully and the parent, and will be better, in the long run, for you.

For The Bully: If the victim needs to learn that he or she is worthy of respect, the bully needs to learn to be respectful. Often the bully learns how to play the game. She'll tease her brother for fun, but be the most empathetic and encouraging friend. She knows how it works. She knows she'll never get away with bullying her friends, but she can get away with bludgeoning her brother. But there's a glitch. Bullying habits can influence how the bully treats other significant, primary relationships. I've noticed that sibling bullies will tease and belittle their girlfriends or boyfriends similarly to how they teased and belittled their brothers and sisters. Same, or even worse, with spouses. There are other primary relationships that can be affected too. In one family I observed, the abuser's sister was getting married, and the bully began bullying his future brother-in-law just as he had bullied his sister. There is a ripple effect to the bullying behaviors. They can be carried outside of the family to affect other people. It's best if they're stopped before that happens.

For the Family: And maybe the most important reason of all: the family. I've already told you about how I cut off a relationship with one of my sisters. No parent wants that to happen. All parents dream of a happy, unified family. But that will not happen if one of the members feels disrespected or unsafe. No parent wants dissonance with one of their children, but that has happened in my family, and a few other families I know of where sibling abuse has occurred.

These are four very commonsense reasons why sibling abuse must be stopped. So stop it. Now.