The Real World

When I talk about parents needing to intervene during bullying situations, an argument I get from time to time is that such action does children a disservice for life in The Real World. A child being bullied, they say, must learn to stand up for himself. As adults, victims won't have Mommy and Daddy coming in to rescue them, so they best learn to fend for themselves now.

I have several problems with this point of view, and I will happily dissect each one of them for you.  

The first problem, and most glaringly obvious one (at least to me) is that if parents truly believe this philosophy, then 90 percent of them are not following it. From what I've seen, victims do defend themselves--and Mommy and Daddy do nothing more than stand in the way. Nobody likes to hear fighting, and when parents hear bickering in the background--even when it's a victim asserting herself against a bully--parents immediately intervene to shut the fight down. Parents don't stay out of it--they step in to yell "STOP FIGHTING!" If you truly believe that a victim must defend herself, then let her do the work you believe she should do.

In addition to parents not putting two and two together, there's a second problem I believe must also be addressed. Does bullying happen in The Real World? Sadly, it does. I myself have been targeted numerous times by power-hungry individuals seeking to project their insecurities onto me. But there's a key difference between life at home and life in the adult world: control. When you're a kid, you're at the mercy of the home environment. When you're an adult, what you deal with is your choice. If I have a problem with somebody, I can stand up for myself. If and when that doesn't work, I can choose to leave the relationship. I can dump the jackass boyfriend, I can move away from crazy roommates, I can leave the job with the bullying coworker. In short, I can seek a better life elsewhere if defending myself doesn't work out. As an adult, I am much more able to protect myself.

Home life is very different. If defending yourself against your bully brother or sister doesn't work--time and time again--what do you do? You can't cut off a relationship with them until you turn eighteen. So you're stuck. You are stuck being abused and you live your life expecting to be mistreated. Which is a terrible, terrible lesson to teach a child. The reason children must be protected is because they have no control. When a person does have control, then it's appropriate to expect that person to fend for themselves. But not until then.  

And what about the bully? What is he learning about The Real World? Well, I'll tell you. He's learning: That it's O.K. to be mean. That it's just fine and dandy to get what you want by using force. That projecting your insecurities onto others is an acceptable means of handling your shortcomings. That getting a laugh out of humiliating others is a harmless form of entertainment. How will he fare in real life? How do you think he'll treat his spouse? His coworkers? His employees? The family he marries into? 

I've seen plenty of families where the victims stand up for themselves. And I've seen them do it calmly, firmly and consistently. Sometimes these interactions are successful, and many times they're not. Does this tell us that bullying is unbeatable? I don't think so. Recent bullying research shows us that the intervention of an authority figure is often the most effective way to beat bullying. And I strongly believe that when adults do their job--protect and discipline their children--positive results will follow. 

I don't see disciplining a bully as "rescuing" or otherwise stunting the development of the victim in any way. In fact, I believe that intervention is exactly what the victim needs to fully develop his or her best self. Parents may be wary that a child will see himself as helpless when an adult intervenes. The irony is that children who grow up in safe, nurturing environments where bullying is not allowed are more confident and more likely to defend themselves should the need arise. I can tell you from firsthand experience; a surefire way to ignite learned helplessness in a child is to feed him to the wolves over and over again with no protection.

When parents embrace the mentality of protecting and correcting, they not only carve out a better future life for their children. With their respectful former bully and confident former victim in hand, they create a better "Real World" for all of us. 

A Case Study

I've always wanted to be a fly on the wall in other people's families. Not because I'm creepy (although, with how much time I spend online, that's debatable), but because being able to research sibling abuse cases would be very beneficial to this project. Recently, I got exactly that opportunity, and I wasn't even expecting it. 

I just did a cultural exchange program, and part of this experience included a homestay with a family. They were a wonderful, I repeat, wonderful family. The parents, for the most part, were doing everything right. They were actively involved in the kids' lives, they ate home-cooked meals together every night, they tried to make each child (they had four) feel important and special, they were generous with affection, they respected each child's right to privacy and personal space (no bedroom-sharing! with four kids!), and in general they always went above and beyond the expected requirements of parents. They were doing exactly what all "good" parents should be doing. 

But there was one big problem. One of the siblings had taken it upon himself to pester, provoke and relentlessly annoy the others. 

Now. Before I go further, I need to address some issues. Many of you are the last-born children of your respective families, and greatly resent the "pesky younger sibling" stereotype. I respect your feelings. Youngest children are given all sorts of nasty labels, like "bratty," "spoiled," and "pesky," while eldest children are always portrayed as heavenly beings who can do no wrong. It has always been O.K. to say that a younger sibling is "pesky," but it has never been acceptable to say that an older sibling is mean. For if we do, the rebuttal will be that the mean-ness is in retaliation to the pestering. No matter what, the cultural belief is to flip the script around: the younger sibling is really the oppressor while the older sibling is the oppressed. I validate those feelings and understand why hearing one more time about those damn pesky younger siblings would be enough to make you want to throw your computer to the ground, thereby rendering future access to this blog, and the rest of this post, impossible. 

However, I have a few more things to say that might make this post easier to swallow. Yes, the instigator in this case study was the youngest child. But that's the only time I'll say that for the rest of this article. To me, his position doesn't matter: what mattered was that he was treating his siblings disrespectfully. I will make sure to stress his behavior rather than his birth order. Secondly, the primary victim in this situation was not the eldest child. She had actually moved out of the house. The other two remaining siblings were the victims, and the instigator seemed to provoke them about equally. However, the next oldest child was working a lot, and was hardly ever home. That left the third-born, the youngest daughter, to be the primary victim. So, if it helps, think of this not as an older sibling being victimized by a younger one, but as the youngest daughter being traumatized by, well, another youngest child.

Now that I've got that settled, I'll continue. The little instigator, whom I'll call Allen, did all sorts of things to pester his siblings. And at least half of his antics went on right under the parents' noses. During dinner, in the car, and whenever the family was gathered together, he would poke and prod at his sisters and generally annoy them. I could tell his behavior was really irritating the sisters, but the parents didn't seem to notice it at all. One time, we were in the car and Allen decided to start something up again with the sibling sitting right next to him. She, of course, protested. Allen only upped the ante. The sister appealed to the mother for help. She only said, "both of you, stop fighting!" She called to her mom again, but this time Allen started mimicking her. Like name-calling, mimicking is a big "no-no," and absolutely requires parental correction. The mother didn't say anything about it.

The tensions between Allen and his siblings continued to escalate. One night, there was a big fight between Allen and one of his sisters, and I couldn't help but overhear it. I wasn't there to observe what exactly led to the fight, but I'll bet you my next paycheck that I know why it happened. I'll bet you that Allen had been pestering his sister, she had already had it up to here with all of his antics, and kaboom! a big, explosive reaction ensued. I don't blame her. 

That night, what was probably most painful for her, even more than her brother's pestering, was her mom's reaction to it all. In the midst of the already extremely emotional situation, her mother made one of the most common mistakes parents make: lecturing rather than listening. "If there's a problem between you two," I could hear her yelling from downstairs, "I expect you to work it out like two adults!!!" 

That's not what's going on here, I thought to myself. This is not a conflict between them. This is a child being disrespectful who needs to be held accountable by an adult. The next morning, I went upstairs to grab something before I headed out for the day, and I ran into the mother. I could tell she was thinking about the previous night. "Good morning, Sybil," she said with a smile that did not meet her eyes, "Did you sleep well?" I answered her back kindly, but what I really wanted to do was answer her unspoken statements. I could tell that she thought of the previous night as a horrible experience of dealing with her terrible, misbehaving children while she, the long-suffering mother had to once again set them straight. 

I felt like telling her that's not what had happened the previous night. What happened was that she was the problem. She was dealing with a misbehaving son who saw it as his right to terrorize others purely for the pleasure of it. And she needed to discipline him. 

Let me make it clear once more that this woman was not a "bad mom." She was very kind and empathetic and really did care about her kids' feelings. A few days later, I overheard her asking Allen if he had made sure to do something, (like make sure something was picked up, I couldn't quite hear her) for the sake of the other sibling. It's not that she flat-out didn't care about the fighting, she just thought it was caused by something else. She thought they were fighting over things. 

Part of the problem was that the parents didn't grasp that the pestering was a big deal. They saw it, but the emotion it caused in the sisters didn't register with them. They weren't so much turning a blind eye as just being blind to the seriousness of the issue. However, I think that paying more attention to what the sisters were saying should have enlightened them. Very often, I heard one of them say, "You aren't respecting me!" right after Allen tried to irritate her. That key word, "respect," should have signaled to them to pay closer attention. 

Living with this family enlightened me more to the problem with parents. It's not that parents dealing with sibling abuse are bad parents (although some of them are). This family taught me that even the best parents can make some awful mistakes. All parents, even the best ones, need to consistently evaluate the job they're doing and ask if they need to change something. They need to be willing to ask and admit if they are the problem behind a major issue. I believe that if they do that, even if it bruises their ego, they can start to make major changes that will benefit both themselves and their families. 

  

    

When Demons Attack

It happened again the other night. I was lying in bed, minding my own business and trying to fall asleep when my demons attacked me. You've all experienced this before. But if you haven't, let me explain how it happens. 

You'll be quietly minding your own business, trying to live your life and get on with your day when a surge of raging anger overtakes you. This anger is usually brought on by a memory or memories of having been infuriated by something, usually an injustice or a time you felt particularly helpless. If you experienced sibling abuse, then this happens to you quite a bit. Actually, anger and agitation used to be my daily emotional state--even after my teenage years. 

This anger is a force that makes you want to strangle something. In fact, this anger is so powerful that physical reactions often result. You'll feel your pulse quicken, you'll grit your teeth, clench your fists, and try to hit something--anything--so you can open even the tiniest of valves on the pent-up emotions threatening to fry up your body. 

Well readers, demons have been my long-time companions. Over the years (oh yes, years) that I've been battling them, I think I have a good system for how to return to calm whenever they invade. Of course, the long-term work we're all doing to try to find some semblance of closure regarding the abuse we were victims of will be the ultimate defeat of our demons, but here are some tips to use for in the moment. 

I followed the below steps the other night and (if you'll allow me to plant a spoiler in here), I ended up feeling better. I call them my Six Steps For Fighting Demons  

1. Dance to music--The physical release of dancing to music is just what your body needs to work off the pent-up rage. But don't listen to depressing music. That's a bad idea. Listen to something with a beat to it, and something that will take your mind off your feelings. The energy of the music will soothe your body, and the lyrics will soothe your emotions by distracting them. This step took me about an hour.

2. Fool around on the internet--Once I feel like I've sufficiently calmed down, I'll go on the internet and look up something funny. Laughter is one of the best cures to debilitating depression and anger. If you don't have a favorite YouTube video yet, I recommend "how animals eat" or "the count censored." Both are hysterical and will quickly put you in a good mood.

3. Secret weapons--I have a few go-to books and exercises that I call my "secret weapons." I love the book Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and there are a few passages in there that I re-read when I'm blue. Some of you might have other books that you like to read, like The Bible or something else that you know will always cheer you up. I also do deep breathing exercises, which help calm me down.

4. Phone a friend--Maybe not right that second, but later when you feel like you can utter coherent thoughts about how you're feeling, talk to a friend about your problems. Even if you don't tell them about the very worst thoughts and emotions you were feeling, just having a sympathetic ear to listen to the problems you do feel comfortable sharing can work wonders. Friends can also be a distraction. One night I was in a particularly bad demons-y mood, and I had plans to attend a social function. Every part of me was telling me to skip it, and just spend time alone. But I knew deep down that attending the event would distract me from my problems. I went, and I was right. I felt better in an hour. It probably would have taken me all night to feel better had I just spent the evening alone.

5. Don't think about it--Finally, when you've gotten rid of all the bad energy, make yourself not think about it. Channel positive thoughts instead, and remember times when you were happy.

6. End on a good note--It's good to end demons battles with something empowering or inspiring. I usually think back to how much I've changed over the past years, and how far I've already come with my personal war on sibling abuse. Keep your head up, have faith, and know that most likely, you're going to be fine in the end.

The next morning, I went to work early and even though I had had only about four hours of fitful, restless sleep, I had a good day. I felt energetic, I talked to my coworkers, and I spent my break basking in the sunshine outside. I had almost completely forgotten about my anger episode the previous night.

I hope this routine will also help you keep your demons at bay. And hopefully one day they'll leave us altogether.

Parental Inaction, Deconstructed

One of the most painful parts of experiencing sibling abuse is the sense of helplessness that follows almost every encounter you have with your abusive sibling. I know that I never felt like I was successful if I tried to

stand up for myself. No matter what I did, it felt like my siblings simply continued to harass, embarrass, and abuse me. Parents can be a big part of this helplessness, because they often don't do anything to stop the bullying. Now, before all you parent-lurkers flock to the comments section, let me explain.

I'm sure you can find a parent feeling equally helpless about the bullying in their home. I'll bet you these parents say similar things to the victims in the situation: "Man, I've tried EVERYTHING to get Billy to stop being mean to Joey, but NOTHING WORKS!" 

But I haven't met one yet.

It astonishes and infuriates me whenever I see a parent handling--or, really, not handling--sibling abuse in their families. I have witnessed teasing, belittling, provoking, name-calling, insulting, and even hitting. I'm talking about cases where it has been very, very clear to me that one was the instigator and the other was the victim. What gets to me more than the meanness itself is the parents' response to it. Because in each occasion I've witnessed, the parents have not uttered a.single.word. about it. Or if they do, it's to tell the kids (or really, the victim), "STOP FIGHTING!!!" 

I always wonder why they don't do anything. What is the reasoning behind their inaction? If I were to ask them about it, or peer into their brains, what would I find? I haven't yet mustered the courage to confront these parents, and I don't have the ability to read minds, but if I did, I think I would find one of the following responses:

"Billy and Joey are always at each other! It's driving me up the wall! Why can't they just learn to get along and leave their poor mother in peace?" 

Or

"*chuckle* Oh, siblings. They're always so mean to each other. Oh well, that's normal!" 

Or

"It bothers me when I hear them fighting. But I stay out of it. They need to work it out themselves."

Or

"At this point, I don't care who started it. I just want it ended!"

Or

"You know, I do think Billy teases Joey a little. But I think it's not that big of a deal." 

Or

"I don't think we need to play the blame game. It takes two to tango, and we need to hold them both accountable." 

Or

"I just don't care. As long as there's no blood, it's not my problem."

Or

"If Joey has a problem with Billy, then he can handle it himself. I'm not fighting his battles for him." 

These misguided thoughts are the result of a society that has hammered into parents' brains that "sibling rivalry is normal," and that fights between siblings require no further analysis than automatically assuming both parties are guilty. This blanket assumption is a dangerous guiding mindset and needs to be thoughtfully and carefully re-examined. The truth is that sibling relationships are complicated. There is no one message guiding sibling struggles that equally applies to all families, and if that became the cultural Zeitgeist, I would be a happy camper. Sometimes I think that parents would be best suited if they simply trusted their own common sense. Throw out the parenting books, deafen your ears to your in-laws' advice, don't believe what your friends say, and form your own conclusions about what you think is happening in your family. 

In addition to the confusion with children's contributions to fights, there is another, equally concerning confusion about responsibility, and that is the parents' responsibility in the whole affair. There are some parents out there who flat-out believe that they do not have responsibility when it comes to sibling abuse. I don't understand that. I have never understood that. Parents are there to protect their children, including protecting one of their children from the other. When one of your children endangers the safety or self-esteem of the other, it is your responsibility to step in and discipline that child. 

So what exactly is the parents' responsibility? Like I said before, there is no one-size-fits-all message, but I think there are a few keys parents should keep in mind: 

-Get familiar with the dynamics going on in your specific family. Each family is different, and carries different sibling dynamics. Don't assume that what's going on is "just normal."

-Sibling squabbles usually take the form of one of three things: conflicts, rivalries, or bullying. Keep an eye on fights, and try to label them. Are your kids fighting over things? Are they competing with each other? Is one being mean to the other?

-It's not always the children's sole responsibility to "work it out themselves." That applies to their conflicts. Dealing with bullying is YOUR responsibility.

-While the victim in the situation can certainly build his or her assertiveness muscles by standing up and saying no, that's usually not the problem. Most victims do stand up for themselves, and they need to be able to rely on you to back them up (and not stand in their way by saying, "DON'T FIGHT!!!"). The bully needs you too. Remember, he or she is also learning a lesson --that put-downs are not acceptable.

-Pay attention to what the children are saying. "Leave me alone!," "Stop being mean to me!," or, plain and simple, "Stop it!" are all possible signs that bullying is occurring. Look out for insulting and teasing as well.  

-Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Being mean for fun is not normal. Correct children when they do these things.

-Sibling abuse is not rare. It's actually more common than society has made it out to be. It is a possibility that there's a bully in your home, provoking the fights.

-It's not a big deal until it happens to you. Even a seemingly harmless comment is enough to do a lot of damage. Don't immediately dismiss a child as being oversensitive or too dramatic.

-If there is a bully in your house, you'll see a pattern. He or she will often use the same tactics, and you'll notice just how often he or she provokes others.

-Trust your common sense. If any piece of wisdom goes against what you think is best, trust your own beliefs first. 

-Keep your kids' happiness as your main goal, and when you use that to guide you, you'll stumble upon better answers. 

Often I find myself thinking that if an antagonizer (bully) is present in a family, it's because the parents haven't done anything stop him or her. Because I look around me, and I think that out of every ten families dealing with sibling abuse, ONE is doing something about it. The rest are either in denial, misinformed and confused, bystanders at a loss of what to do, or completely apathetic. I wonder if bullying is most certainly preventable, and the families not experiencing it nipped it in the bud from early on. 

Most parents of two or more children experience some level of bickering between the children. And most parents complain about it. I have always been a believer in looking for solutions to problems rather than complaining about them. Parents of a bullying child especially need to look around for answers, yet most of them are looking in the wrong place. Rather than throwing their hands in the air and screaming, "WHY CAN'T MY KIDS GET ALONG?!" they should instead look at themselves. Because in many sibling abuse situations, they are the problem. And they need to take action.