Gender Gap

Girls and boys are different. We all know that. I could probably name a billion differences off the top of my head. One of these differences is how the two genders view power. Or rather, how much they crave it. We all know that in our patriarchal society, boys both have and crave power a lot more than girls do. Which is why it should come as no surprise that a recent study found that older brothers are more likely to be bullies than older sisters.

This is something that I've been suspicious about for a little bit now. I had always known that sibling abuse can often be about power, plain and simple; that some older siblings bully simply because it strokes their ego. I have also always known that males tend to seek power more than females do. Putting two and two together, I began to ask myself if older brothers were more likely to bully than older sisters, and if there was any research showing this relationship. To Google I went, and up popped the above study.

The reason I was searching for a study showing the relationship rather than trusting my own experience is because I knew that a study would provide a better sample for what I was searching. Because in real life, I know just as many older sisters as older brothers who are mean for just plain fun. And I really do mean just for fun. Having observed countless families over the decades, I can tell the difference between bullying out of insecurity, out of inflexibility, out of jealousy, and just for entertainment. And I can name a handful of mean older sisters whom I can confidently put in the "just for entertainment" bullying category.

So girls are by no means completely excluded from the "doing-it-because-I-think-it's-funny" type of bully.

But the fact that research has shown that older brothers are more likely than older sisters to verbally abuse their younger siblings tells us something about sibling abuse: that some of it really is done, in fact, for the sake of power. It has proven the hypothesis that sibling abuse derives from a desire for power, because one of the variables--boys--possesses more power than girls, the other variable. 

But aside from the direct findings of this study, I wanted to bring up something else that this research triggered in me. And that is how gender relates to other down-the-road consequences of sibling abuse. In regards to the bullies, I have noticed another gender difference: sister bullies are more likely to see the errors of their ways--and apologize for them--than brother bullies. It's a strange phenomenon that I've witnessed a few times already. A mean girl will grow up, meet the real world head-on, and come back home having been humbled immensely, with a newfound understanding of The Golden Rule. Boys not so much. I was in class once, and my professor was going off on a tangent (he was really The Tangent Type) and talking to us about his childhood. He was saying something along the lines of, "Older brothers like to pick on younger brothers..." And then a guy in my class, who I already knew was a brother bully, interrupted him and said loudly, "Until the younger brother grows up and starts picking on the older brother!" I didn't say anything to him, but I was thinking angrily to myself, Oh aren't you the innocent victim! Here was a guy who refused to admit to any wrongdoing--who firmly believed himself to be entitled to treating others however he wished without them doing the same to him. Ugghhh. Boys. Boys boys boys. 

And then there's another gender difference I've noticed, and this one is in regard to the victims. Younger sisters who were bullied definitely struggle with all of the long-term effects of sibling abuse, but I've noticed that younger brothers who were victims can have an even harder time. As a female myself, I am well-acquainted with the way society oppresses women. But (and my feminist side is screaming at me for typing this), there's a bright side to this oppression. As females, we are expected, even encouraged, to be weak. We've got to attract that Prince Charming after all, and there's nothing better than falling into safe, strong arms that will protect us from harm. (So, to soothe my inner-feminist's wrath, I guess I can say that this is hardly a "bright side" to oppression, if being oppressed just makes oppression easier to bear.) If a female is a victim, it's no big deal. 

With males it's different. Men are supposed to be strong. They must search for power in every way they can, because if they don't attain it then they are. . . something less than human. Something worthless. Bullying does more than make a victim angry--it strips them of their power and dignity. And when you are male, that is just about the worst thing that can happen to you. In many male survivors of sibling abuse, I have noticed something deeper than anger inside them. There's also an intense feeling of emasculation--a shame and humiliation of a degree many females do not experience.

This new finding has convinced me even more that gender equality is something we must continue to strive toward. For if we do, many benefits will come from it. "Gender equality" in regards to families is often about a more equal role between husband and wife, but it should also be about better expectations for the way older brothers conduct themselves. And this, not just parenting roles, will also result in a happier family.        

"But That's Normal"

I don't talk about my experience with sibling abuse that often to people I know in real life. I have only found a few trustworthy people regarding this issue. But whenever I do open up about my past, the response I get is usually the same. A little chuckle, a flicker of the hand as if swatting away a fly, and then the phrase, "Oh, but that's normal." 

These people don't mean to belittle my feelings. Far from it, actually. They, too, see the mean things siblings say and do to each other, and a little part of them is appalled at the behavior. But they have adopted the usual response regarding sibling issues: the belief that what they're seeing is normal. Why do people think this? 

Part of the problem is that we have not yet distinguished between the many different parts that comprise sibling rivalry. Another part is that "sibling rivalry" is too broad of a category. When we say "sibling rivalry," what exactly do we mean? 

In the past, "sibling rivalry" has been a broad category for everything siblings do to "make each other miserable" (you hear that one a lot, too). "Sibling rivalry" is the phrase we use for the expected bickering over property, but it's also what we use when we talk about jealousy between siblings. It's about the competition between siblings; both to be "better" than the other and to compete for the parents' love and attention. It's the phrase we use when we talk about younger siblings being pests and older siblings being mean (wait a minute...are we allowed to say that older siblings are mean? Is that a thing yet? Or are they still perfect little angels who can do no wrong?) And all of these actions have been labeled "sibling rivalry," which in turn has been labeled "normal." 

"Sibling rivalry is normal" is part of a larger syllogism guiding the current thoughts about fighting between siblings: 

 Things that are acceptable are things that are normal.

Sibling rivalry is normal.

Therefore, sibling rivalry is acceptable. 

Do I think that fighting between siblings is normal? Absolutely. Do I think that some of it is acceptable? Again, absolutely. Actually, I wish my parents had thought that fighting between siblings was acceptable, because whenever my siblings and I fought, their most helpful reaction was to tell us to stop fighting. Which was not helpful at all. 

When parents embrace some amount of arguing as normal, their children benefit. We all need to build conflict-resolution skills in life, and these don't come from parents shutting their kids' fights down. 

But the problem is that not all of what we've so far called "sibling rivalry" is normal. Antagonizing a sibling for the fun of it is not normal. Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Violence and name-calling are not normal. Living in fear of a sibling is not normal. Teasing intended to embarrass or belittle is not normal. Among the standard quibbling between siblings is a sneaky little monster who thinks he can get away with his doings if he disguises himself as "sibling rivalry." It is our responsibility as a society to strip this beast of his disguise and call him out on his actions. And doing this will also help reduce the conflicts between siblings, as parents will rid themselves of the bullies in their families who so often provoke the fights. 

And how do we do that? By doing away with this generic prescription that we have foisted on all sibling doings. I suggest a new mantra, just a little bit different from the first, to enter into the Sibling Squabbles Zeitgeist for today. It's pretty simple. Ready for it? Here it is: "Not All of 'Sibling Rivalry' is Normal." That's it. Plain and simple. And when we embrace this mindset, parents are left to use their own common sense to figure out whether what's going on in their families is normal or not.