Water Under the Bridge?

Nothing aggravates me more than people saying what happened to me was "in the past,"--implying
that I should get over it. The people who say this are usually bitter family members, angry at the fact that I am still angry. But I think they are the ones who need to get over it. They need to deal with the fact that I am still carrying a lot of pain--and always will be, to some extent.

These people claim the past isn't around anymore--like water flowing under a bridge. You are still there, solid as a rock, but what happened to you is no longer there, and therefore you should be done with it. They don't understand how much the past affects the present, how much something that happened "in the past" can still affect you deeply now.

In my life, I have come across people in their forties, fifties, and older who are dealing with the very real, very damaging consequences of sibling abuse. That so many people are still in agony speaks to me on a deep level--it tells me that what happened "in the past" still deeply affects their lives in the present.

One college professor I had was clearly still reeling from the effects of sibling abuse. During lecture, he would often mention how his older brother would tease him. One day, he told a story about how his family went to some sort of Chuck E. Cheese-like place, and he won a stuffed animal, and his brother teased him mercilessly for winning "a girl's toy."

Such a story may seem like "no big deal" to some, but had the same teasing comment been leveled at the older brother, I'm sure he would have thought it was a VERY big deal--and pummeled the younger brother in response. And he would still remember the story to this day. And it wouldn't be "in the past" to him.

I've mentioned before that I'm good at reading people. Well, I could tell that this professor was damaged in other ways. He was very insecure, and put on a confident air to cover it up. He was also clearly ashamed of what had happened to him--thinking that bullying like this wouldn't have happened to a stronger person. That he must have been a real weakling to have been picked on so extensively. He was also divorced, and I'm sure his failed marriage had something to do with his past.

Something I've noticed about people making dismissive remarks: such traumas have clearly never happened to them. For if they had, they would never dream of telling me that I should just get over it. There is no "getting over" what happened to you. Not really. You get through it, and the trauma changes shape, but it never completely disappears.

Sibling abuse will likely always affect you in one way or another. That doesn't mean you just need to "let go" or "get over it." It means you're a human being who has been traumatized, and you're dealing with that trauma the best way you can. There is no getting over the past. The past absolutely affects the present, and your job is to learn ways to manage your past without letting it overcome you. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Three Types of Victims

Okay, parents. There are some things we survivors of sibling abuse need you to get straight.

In general, there are three types of victims in sibling abuse cases. Knowing these types will help you suss out what's really going on in your home.

The one who responds appropriately: It's not always the case that we're "equally contributing" to the caterwaul you hear going on daily. Yes, you like to dismiss the fights like that, but we need you to examine them a little closer. When we respond to uncalled-for attacks, we are exercising our basic human right to defend ourselves. We have a right to respect. And it is your job to recognize if a sibling is intentionally provoking us.

The one who does not respond: On the other side of the coin, if we don't defend ourselves, it doesn't mean we're weaklings who need to learn to fight our own battles. (Which is what some parenting books *cough* *cough* Siblings Without Rivalry would have you believe.) Sadly enough, a non-responsive victim is the case where parents recognize sibling abuse the most. So you can't blame us for not defending ourselves! It's one of the best ways to get you to realize what's going on. We might be --understandably-- afraid. We might feel helpless, and like any attempt to defend ourselves will be futile. We might have believed you when you said "it takes two to make a fight," and feel guilty if we defend ourselves. We might know we'll get in trouble if we respond, so we decide it's not worth the effort.

The one who responds inappropriately: In a case where a victim responds by bullying back, we still need you to get real about the root cause. Yes, it's not respectful to insult someone, even if they insulted you first, BUT it still stands in the way of accountability to just punish the victim without understanding he might have been goaded. We need you to listen to our grievances BEFORE you give out punishments. Stand back and observe a little. Does one kid always tend to be angry when they attack, but the other is always smiling, and generally looking gleeful? Does one kid seem more hurt than the other? Can you tell what the intentions are behind their words? Is it revenge or a power trip? And above all else, LISTEN TO US. Believe it or not, children could give you the answers you're seeking.

In these cases, you also have a tendency to correct the victim more than the aggressor. I don't know exactly why this is, but maybe it has to do with the fact that you yourself also feel intimidated by the bully. You know on a certain level that correcting the bully will lead to more resistance, while correcting us will not. You need to fully acknowledge the aggressor's part. Make yourself learn all the ways he or she taunts, teases, belittles, and embarrasses us. And hold them accountable. Acknowledging these parts will ultimately lead to a better correction plan--one that truly takes all aspects of the fighting into account.

Seek for understanding. It will help you find more--and better--solutions.

Multi-Faceted Healing Approach

One of the most unhelpful things I did in trying to heal was going to therapy.

I'm serious. Therapy did way more harm than good. 

There are several reasons why this was the case, and I won't go into them all. In general, though, I felt like my therapist's approach was not empowering, but blaming and shaming. He did not validate my feelings, but dismissed them. That is not therapy. And if a therapist out there reading this disagrees, then I say that should not be therapy. One of the purposes of therapy should be to make you feel better. If it's not making you feel better, but worse, why go?  

What I learned from my terrible therapist is that we are in charge of our own healing. We shouldn't be looking to some sort of outside source to make us feel better. We need to do that ourselves.

....But how do we do that?

There is no one way to heal our wounds. There are actually many, many ways to do that. In fact, healing most likely involves three or four or five or more different methods. And if you strongly feel that therapy is one of them for you, by all means, do that. Here is a list of ideas we can use for healing: 

1. Therapy - Yes, I put this first. Not because I agree with it, but because this is often the first one that comes to mind. I encourage you to try out therapy, but if you don't like your therapist, or if you don't think it's working, run out of that office as fast as you can. Don't waste your time with an idiot or an asshole. 

2. Friends - One of the most helpful things for me was expressing my feelings to an empathetic listener, a.k.a. my friend. If you have a friend in your life who is a really good listener, take full advantage of it. Getting your feelings out and having them validated helps TREMENDOUSLY in trying to heal your shit. This will take some courage from you and some vulnerability, but if you have a truly supportive friend in your life, it will be worth it. 

3. Creative Outlet - Writing. Drawing. Dancing. Music. Creativity is a method many people use to soothe their souls. If you are a creative person yourself, creating works of art can be a helpful way to get your feelings out. 

4. Physical Activity - If it doesn't accomplish anything else, physical activity at least gets you doing something, instead of just bouncing your hurt feelings inside your head. It's a great way to physically release the pent-up anger inside you. This is my go-to method when my own demons attack. 

5. Truth - Speak your truth to the people who need to hear it. Your parents who didn't protect you, your siblings who abused you, and other adult figures in your life who egged on the abuse, or at least didn't encourage it to stop. This is very scary, and may take weeks, months, years of preparation. But if you do it, even if it doesn't accomplish anything else, at least they've heard your side of the story. And that matters a lot. 

6. Punishment - There are many ways to punish a wrongdoer. I've mentioned before about how I'm not against giving the abusers a taste of their own medicine. There are other ways to punish them as well. Cutting them out of your life is one method. Do it temporarily or permanently. Send them a signal that you're holding them accountable for what they did. There will be consequences for this, yes, but I found that those consequences were worth the price of healing myself.

7. Forgiveness - I know you hate this word. And I still feel strongly that you should only forgive once you're ready to forgive. But if you reach a place (like I did) where you're like...."O.K. I might be ready to try experimenting with this whole 'letting go' thing," do it. It feels great. And I need to give you the standard "forgiveness lecture" (I'm sorry): Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what they did was right. It just means giving yourself a break, and not letting their toxicity damage you anymore. 

6. Let the World Punish Them - I saved this one for last, because it's the one you have no control over. I'm just putting it in here as something to keep in mind. In a few families, I noticed that the abusive sibling sort of had the world punish them. In one family I know of, a bully older sister saw the error of her ways when she moved to one of the meanest cities in America. Being around the constant hostility served her a great big piece of humble pie....and she was never mean again. There are many, many ways the world will humble us. And as big kids grow into adults, a lot of them receive this humbling. Just keep in mind that sometimes, things have a way of working themselves out, and all you have to do is sit back and watch (and enjoy). 

So those are just a few things to keep in mind, wherever you are in your journey. In general, do what feels right to you. You are the captain of your ship. And in time, you'll find healing.