Three Types of Victims

Okay, parents. There are some things we survivors of sibling abuse need you to get straight.

In general, there are three types of victims in sibling abuse cases. Knowing these types will help you suss out what's really going on in your home.

The one who responds appropriately: It's not always the case that we're "equally contributing" to the caterwaul you hear going on daily. Yes, you like to dismiss the fights like that, but we need you to examine them a little closer. When we respond to uncalled-for attacks, we are exercising our basic human right to defend ourselves. We have a right to respect. And it is your job to recognize if a sibling is intentionally provoking us.

The one who does not respond: On the other side of the coin, if we don't defend ourselves, it doesn't mean we're weaklings who need to learn to fight our own battles. (Which is what some parenting books *cough* *cough* Siblings Without Rivalry would have you believe.) Sadly enough, a non-responsive victim is the case where parents recognize sibling abuse the most. So you can't blame us for not defending ourselves! It's one of the best ways to get you to realize what's going on. We might be --understandably-- afraid. We might feel helpless, and like any attempt to defend ourselves will be futile. We might have believed you when you said "it takes two to make a fight," and feel guilty if we defend ourselves. We might know we'll get in trouble if we respond, so we decide it's not worth the effort.

The one who responds inappropriately: In a case where a victim responds by bullying back, we still need you to get real about the root cause. Yes, it's not respectful to insult someone, even if they insulted you first, BUT it still stands in the way of accountability to just punish the victim without understanding he might have been goaded. We need you to listen to our grievances BEFORE you give out punishments. Stand back and observe a little. Does one kid always tend to be angry when they attack, but the other is always smiling, and generally looking gleeful? Does one kid seem more hurt than the other? Can you tell what the intentions are behind their words? Is it revenge or a power trip? And above all else, LISTEN TO US. Believe it or not, children could give you the answers you're seeking.

In these cases, you also have a tendency to correct the victim more than the aggressor. I don't know exactly why this is, but maybe it has to do with the fact that you yourself also feel intimidated by the bully. You know on a certain level that correcting the bully will lead to more resistance, while correcting us will not. You need to fully acknowledge the aggressor's part. Make yourself learn all the ways he or she taunts, teases, belittles, and embarrasses us. And hold them accountable. Acknowledging these parts will ultimately lead to a better correction plan--one that truly takes all aspects of the fighting into account.

Seek for understanding. It will help you find more--and better--solutions.