Three Types of Parents

When I'm doing research on sibling abuse, I often run across the statement that emotional sibling abuse is more common in families where parents accept fights as normal, and do not "keep conflicts to a minimum."

That phrase has always bothered me. 

In my family, we weren't allowed to fight with each other. At all. The second my father heard bickering in the background, he'd rush in and yell at us to stop it. That's it. No mediating. No assessing what we were fighting about. No correcting the bully or standing up for the victim. He just knew that the bickering bothered him and he wanted the fight ended, with no regard to our feelings. Was my father "keeping conflicts to a minimum?"Absolutely not.  
    
My father was actually exacerbating the resentment between us. He might have felt better when the fights ended, but I felt ten times worse. I felt very angry when I wasn't allowed to vent my frustrations. Especially during a situation when my siblings were being mean to me, I felt very hurt and betrayed by his actions. Others were attacking me, and I wasn't allowed to fight back. He was essentially telling me that he didn't support my right to stand up for myself, and cared more about his feelings than mine. I firmly believe that having my parents shut down our fights contributed to my learned helplessness. I eventually developed a "why bother?" attitude, because I knew that fighting back wouldn't yield any good results. 

I worry there are parents out there who think they are "keeping conflicts to a minimum" when really they're just doing what my dad did. It's unfortunate that researchers I've come across don't expand on this bit of research. Because they won't, I will. Preventing sibling abuse is not as simple as parents who "allow fights" versus parents who "don't allow fights." It's a bit more complicated than that. There are three types of parents I've seen. Two of them encourage sibling abuse, and one of them discourages it. These types of parents are as follows:

Type 1: "No Fighting Allowed" Parents following this philosophy have a very simple approach to sibling squabbles. In the midst of a bickering battle, they'll usually say (or scream) one of two things: "Don't fight!" or "Stop fighting!" Sometimes the children will comply, oftentimes they won't. Parents guilty of using this approach have often done very little research on conflict management. They are motivated not by a desire to help their children get along, but by their desire to find relief. Their own feelings, not their children's, are the ones taking precedence. This approach, even if it does stop the fighting, never solves the issue at hand. It also doesn't encourage siblings to have good feelings toward each other. In fact, it encourages hostility between siblings. When children are not allowed to express their frustrations, they will often seethe with hidden resentment, only to release it in other forms later. Something that should be clear: "Don't fight!" is about the most unhelpful thing you can say. It doesn't solve anything. Any parents out there reading this, please resist the urge to shut down your kids' arguments. There are other, more helpful ways you can reduce the rivalries at home.    

Type 2: "Sibling Rivalry is Normal" 

These parents follow a very different philosophy than that of the parents listed above. In fact, theirs is the exact opposite. The mantra of these parents is that sibling rivalry is normal and cannot be reduced. They believe that during every fight, their job is to stay out of it. Like me, these parents believe that siblings need to express their frustrations. They fear that intervention of any kind would only exacerbate their kids' negative feelings. Additionally, they don't want to pick sides, and believe that staying out of it is the best way to ensure this doesn't happen. I appreciate these parents on some level. I wish my parents had been like this. Unlike the previous parents, these parents are doing what they believe is best for their kids while putting their personal feelings aside. So I strongly resisted the research suggesting this type of parent is more likely to experience sibling abuse. But then I made my own observations. I have to admit; the research is right. While these parents have good intentions, they do create an environment conducive to developing abusive behavior. They tend to let things slide they shouldn't let slide. They don't draw the line between "bickering" and "bullying." They don't intervene when the children could benefit from adult intervention. There's also a subset of this type of parent who uses this philosophy as an excuse to be lazy when it is very obvious they need to act.  

Type 3: Mediators 
Parents abiding by this philosophy follow the best practices of them all. These are the parents who use resources like Siblings Without Rivalry to help educate themselves on how best to reduce conflict. In their homes, these parents use all sorts of methods to deal with fighting effectively. They start by setting ground rules from the beginning, to prevent one child from being mean to another. When they notice bullying, they immediately correct the behavior. These parents further buffer fights by understanding that siblings are bound to experience resentment occasionally, and it is only by acknowledging these feelings that they'll disappear. They treat their children's feelings respectfully by allowing their children to vent their frustrations, listening to them and letting them know they are understood. When fights occur, these parents helpfully intervene. They figure out what the kids are fighting about and work with them to help solve the problem. When their kids start picking on each other in the middle of a fight, they remind them to state their feelings to each other. They pay attention to sibling dynamics, and notice if one sibling consistently dominates the other. When this happens, they do their best to change these roles. They empower the victim to stand up for herself and teach the bully different methods to express his wishes. In short, these parents work with their children to help solve the problems that occur. This middle-of-the-road approach is the best bet to creating happy parents and children. 

When researchers claim that parents need to work on keeping conflicts to a minimum, they are talking about the third type of parent. That is the type that parents should strive to be. When researchers claim that some parents accept fights as normal, they're talking about the second type of parent. In all the research I've done, the first type of parent has not received a single mention. That's a shame, because that type of parent also encourages sibling abuse. No matter how frequently my dad shut down our fights, my siblings would always come back to attack me. Simple methods never pay off. Parents need to understand that reducing sibling rivalry involves a lot of hard work. If it's easy, you're not doing it right.   

Sibling Abuse Has Finally Made Headlines

Every so often, I type "sibling abuse" into Google to see what I can find. The same two or three sites always pop up, and I happily refresh myself on the information they provide me. I'm always on the lookout for something new though, and a few weeks ago I found it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is stark evidence that awareness of sibling abuse is gaining momentum. This article, entitled When The Bully Is a Sibling appeared in the family section of The New York Times on June 17, 2013. You read that right. The New York Times. And those italics aren't just me being grammatically correct. 

This article covered a new study that examined a group of 3,600 children and surveyed everything ranging from physical assaults to psychological intimidation. This sibling abuse study is the widest scope known. Previous studies of sibling abuse are few in number, have been on a much smaller scale and only focused on specific forms of violence. One-third of the children in the study reported being victimized over the past year. Corinna Jenkins Tucker, Ph.D., the lead author of the study, along with her colleagues and other sibling abuse researchers were interviewed. They covered familiar ground:

• There is a difference between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry
• Parents often mistakenly label sibling aggression as "normal"
• Sibling abuse is the most common form of abuse, and it's still under reported because it's excused and minimized
• Sibling psychological abuse is just as serious as peer aggression
• Sibling physical abuse is just as severe as parent-child abuse
• Parents can encourage abuse by not intervening, labeling children, or playing favorites
• Children who are victimized experience more anger, anxiety and depression
• Findings suggest even emotional abuse is serious

The first thought that popped into my head when I saw this article was: "It's about time!!!"I cannot believe it has taken this long for sibling abuse to receive the attention it deserves. Aside from not being given a lot of attention, sibling abuse has also not been taken very seriously. That was the goal of this study--to prove that sibling abuse is a serious issue, and needs to be treated as such. Look around the Internet, and you'll find that this small article has made a big impact. Many different news stations are reporting on this study's findings, like USA Today, NBC News, and The Huffington Post, just to name a few. 

In addition to my pride in having this issue finally be taken seriously, I'm also feeling another "No Duh!" about it. It shouldn't be that hard for parents to understand that bullying is unacceptable. In addition to the other news sources, The Onion also did a news story...a tiny spoof on the obvious notion that bullying done by a sibling is just as harmful as bullying done by a peer. One of these days, it won't take The Onion to tell parents they're being fools. After this war on sibling abuse is fought, people will wonder why parents were ever so dense as to believe sibling abuse was no big deal.  

  

Siblings Without Abuse

When the book Siblings Without Rivalry came out in 1988, it was #1 on The New York Times Best Seller list within a month. Desperate parents everywhere wanted a solution to the (not so) civil wars going on in their homes. Of course, the title is a misnomer. As every parent contemplating a multi-child family needs to know, there is no way to completely eradicate sibling squabbles. What Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish accomplish is giving parents the tools they need to effectively deal with the fights when they occur. 

When I heard about this book, I knew I had to read it to see if it discussed anything about sibling abuse. As a huge bookworm, I always look at reviews on Amazon before reading a book. The parents who reviewed it loved it, and I see why. It's an extremely practical book. You won't find a book more hands-on than this one. It's filled with tons of examples, which are presented using cartoons as a visual aid. It's geared to families of all ages. It's a quick read. Many reviewers said the book's suggestions have dramatically reduced the fights at home. Here are some of the suggestions I found that directly pertain to sibling abuse:   

1. Get the Bad Feelings Out: This was a powerful chapter in and of itself--one all parents need to read. It's about allowing your children to express their feelings about their siblings, including bad ones, and validating them. The chapter offers lots of great tips, but was especially helpful in understanding the reason behind emotional abuse. According to Faber and Mazlish, an older sibling will often reveal their jealousy of a new baby sibling in the form of derogatory comments. (The authors have an interesting metaphor to explain this jealousy, which is also worth reading.) To stop this, parents need to allow the child to vent their jealousy safely. One mother in the book took her older daughter aside one day and prompted her to talk about her sister. The mother was shocked and disturbed when the girl went on a tirade about how much she hated her sister. That night, though, when the mother went upstairs to check on the girls, she found them asleep in the same bed with their arms around each other.    

2. Stop Physical Hurting: The book offers three suggestions for stopping violence. The first is the "ignore the aggressor, aid the victim" approach. When a child physically attacks another, don't give attention to the culprit. Instead, help the injured party, lead that child out of the room, and condemn the aggressor's actions. Another method is to correct and redirect. When you see a child getting physical with another, tell him to use his words. Give the child an example of what to say. You can also suggest the child channel his frustration onto an object, like a pillow, while you stand and watch. This goes back to the first tip. If your child knows you care about his anger, he won't feel resentful and invalidated. The third method is for two-way fights. When you notice two children getting physical with each other, describe what you see, separate them, have a cooling-off period, and regroup later to talk about what happened.

3. Get Children Out of Their Roles: Bullying problems, according to the authors, are due to children being locked into roles. The "meanie" of the family has been labeled as a bully, and the picked-on kid has been labeled as a victim. To eradicate this problem, get children out of their roles. Never label a child as "mean." If you see a child bullying a sibling, tell her she is capable of being nice, and needs to start doing so right now. Help the victim see herself in a different light. Empower her to stand up for herself. When a sibling is being mean to her, tell her what to say to the bully. Don't let anybody in the family label a child as a "bully" or a "victim," not the parent, the siblings, or the child herself.

4. Hold a Family Meeting: Sometimes a particularly difficult problem will arise. In the book, one couple found out their son was hurting their daughter when she didn't turn off the T.V. So they called a family meeting, which goes like this: Call a meeting of the parties involved. Explain the procedure: each child is allowed a turn, and won't be interrupted. Let each child voice their feelings and concerns. Allow time for rebuttal. Try to solve the problem by jotting down any ideas that come up, and let the kids go first. Reach solutions that are good for everyone. Schedule a time to meet again the following week to see if everything worked out. In the book, they agreed to work out the T.V. schedule in advance, no hurting would be allowed, and each child would be in charge of themselves. 

I am not a parent. I haven't tried these tricks, so I cannot attest to their effectiveness. But having been a kid myself and having observed other families, I do have my critiques. My biggest beef is the assumption that if a child is being picked on, it's because he doesn't stand up for himself. In my experience, this is flat-out false. In many families I've observed, the victim often does fight back. And it doesn't stop the abusive sibling from being mean to him. What I do see as the problem is that parents aren't supportive of the victim. Parents irritated by bickering don't see an abusive situation for what it is. Often, when a victim stands up for himself, parents will view this as "fighting" and will tell the kids to cut it out. So maybe that's the real secret: Support the victim. Let him know you're rooting for him. Also, the "meanness" represented in the book was almost always conflict-driven bullying. One thing parents need to understand is that abuse is often not conflict-driven, but completely unprovoked.     

Criticism aside, I will keep an open mind about the rest of the book's advice. You'd be surprised how often advice will seem silly at first, but then work wonders when you finally try it out. A conversation I recently had with a friend nicely illustrates this point. I was interested in what I could do to save gas. I have a friend who does a lot of driving, and thought she could give me some tips. I asked her if she burns through her gas easily. She told me that she took a course on driving efficiently, and it helped her tremendously. She then asked me the following question: "When you try to save gas, do you press on the gas pedal as little as possible and try to coast as much as possible?" I answered yes, that's exactly what I did. She said to me, "That's actually the worst thing you can do." "Really?" I said. "Yup," she answered. "When you're not pushing on the pedal, you're losing momentum. It takes twice as much gas to get back to the speed you were going. What you should do instead is constantly push down on the pedal, and ease up, but not lift your foot off completely when you're going the right speed." I tried her trick. It worked. I was pleasantly surprised.

If I had two children, and one of them was being mean to the other, before reading this book I probably would have done exactly what you're not supposed to do. I would have said to the mean one, "Becky, you're being mean, and you need to stop RIGHT NOW!" Now that I've been enlightened, I'm more likely to try a different approach. I would instead say to Becky, "I know you can be nice. And you need to start right now." Hopefully that would work. It's just important to keep an open mind. It's weird how often what seems like a good idea is actually the worst thing you can do. Like not pushing on the gas pedal. Or giving attention to the aggressor. Or layering condoms. Or telling your kid she's being mean. So even if advice seems weird to you, or sounds like it wouldn't work, it's important to give it a shot. You never know; it may be just the cure you need.  

 

One Simple Reason

What makes a sibling mean? 

I would be a bad blogger had I not researched that question myself. For quite a while, I have read psychologists' theories  and closely observed many families in order to find an answer. My own observations and experts' findings have revealed various risk factors. Uninvolved parents will develop a problem with sibling abuse. A very insecure child will often take it out on a sibling. The arrival of a new baby sibling will often cause an older sibling to feel threatened or jealous. He or she will want to harm the baby as a result, and this dynamic can continue throughout the relationship. Different personalities are more likely to feel threatened or jealous than others.

I'll explain all these more thoroughly later. I've seen these traits in many families struggling with sibling abuse, and believe all of them to be true. But something still doesn't sit right with me. I've seen cases where none of the aforementioned factors is present, yet one sibling is undeniably, unquestionably being mean to another. So what's the explanation behind this behavior? 

There's a very simple reason. It feels good. There is an intrinsic reward in being mean to someone. It makes you feel powerful. It strokes your ego. And if there is any pleasure in the world a human being most enjoys, it is having your ego stroked. 

The abusive child doesn't care that he's making his sibling "feel bad." He doesn't see it as a big deal. The bad feelings aren't happening to him, so why should he care? All he knows is that it's fun, it makes him feel powerful, and he gets away with it. It's similar to how people feel about junk food. They know on some level it's bad. But that knowledge stands no chance against yummy, fatty, sugary goodness. Especially if you never gain weight, there is nothing standing between you and that diabetes-on-a-stick dessert.    
The delusional ones aren't just the abusive siblings. Parents are often guilty as well. Because the disrespectful behavior isn't happening to them, they can lie to themselves about it. They can convince themselves that what they're seeing is "no big deal." This is another contributing factor to sibling abuse: The parents are in denial that there's a problem.   

Both you and I know that emotional abuse is a big deal. Mean siblings can eventually learn this. Getting a taste of their own medicine will often do the trick. One family I know of had a problem with the older sister bullying the younger brother. The sister grew up, moved out, and got a job in one of the rudest cities in the U.S. After living there for a year, her personality completely changed. She went from mean girl to girl-next-door. She became so much more caring, friendlier and nicer. And she never bullied her brother again.

That experience was exactly the rude awakening she needed. Being picked on made her realize: "Oh. This is how it feels when people are mean to you. This is why we don't insult people for the cheap thrill it gives us. My previous feelings were lying to me. Being mean always made me feel good. I never imagined that it feels this awful when someone is mean to you. So this is what they meant when they said to treat others the way you want to be treated. I guess I'll start doing that." And she shaped up.

Now this story has a happy ending, and you might be inspired by that. But a message to any parents out there: This process needs to happen earlier. Don't wait for your child to enlist in the military. Nip bullying in the bud at a young age. If you hope the mean sibling will just "grow out of it," you're letting the victim sibling be picked on for the duration of the mean sibling's time at home. Children are capable of shaping up much sooner.

Oh, and there's another warning I must give you. It turns out that junk food catches up with you too...