Monday Laugh

For any of you who are the youngest child. They are so unappreciated and under-protected....

A Fifth Reason: Inflexible Personality

My friend Amanda once rented a room in a house from a woman who had two small daughters, Hannah, 7 and Elizabeth, 5. Hannah was a very sweet, well-behaved child who never gave anyone around her any problems. Lizzie was a different case altogether. She was defiant and explosive, and it seemed like the smallest things would set her off. Amanda once told me about an incident that really illustrated Lizzie's personality. She was playing CandyLand with the girls while their mom was fixing them dinner. Lizzie landed on one of those bad spots that make you miss a turn. Most young children might have been disappointed, but Lizzie's reaction was way off the charts.

"She just started screaming and crying," Amanda was telling me the next day. "I don't know what her problem is! She's too old to be doing something like that. At that age, you're old enough to know you won't always win a game."  

But this wasn't the only bad thing Lizzie had recently done. There was more that Amanda wanted to talk about.

"And sometimes she'll be not very nice to Hannah."

This made me confused. A younger sibling being mean to an older one? No way.

"What does she do?" I asked, hoping details would explain the situation.

Amanda struggled for words. "I dunno....It's hard to explain. She's just...mean. Nasty. Like, once she said, 'I hate you!' to her mom. And I was thinking, WHOA, that was uncalled for! you know?"

I did know.

I grew up with a sibling like Lizzie myself. She was what many mental health professionals would call "inflexible." She was explosive, had a very low tolerance for frustration, a short fuse, a need to follow strict routines, and would lash out at people if things weren't going her way. We shared a bedroom growing up, as well as a laundry hamper. One week, it was my turn to sort our laundry. I was sitting on the floor, simply sorting the clothes. Well, I must not have been doing it the way she wanted it done, because she grabbed the pile of dirty clothes out of my hands, got right in my face and started screaming at me. At the top of her lungs.

Dealing with an inflexible child can be unpleasant in and of itself. Screaming at people is definitely not civilized behavior. But I believe there's another consequence of an inflexible personality, aside from just the meltdowns. An inflexible personality can also lead to bullying.

One family I know of really illustrates how this happens. Dana and Isabella, two sisters I know of, had a sibling abuse dynamic going on in their family. Dana, the older one, had an inflexible personality and had explosion incidents similar to the ones described above. Understandably, inflexibility leads to more meltdowns and more conflicts. But there was something else going on. Dana was repeatedly calling Isabella names. "Loser" was her favorite one, and she dropped it at every opportunity. If Isabella did something silly, she would say, "Nice job, Loser!" If the two were playing a game, she would say, "You are so not gonna win, LOSER!"

So why did that happen? Why did Dana feel the need to attack Isabella, even if she wasn't being provoked? My theory is that inflexible children simply feel the need for control. They know that if they can have a general sense of control over someone, then they will never be threatened by them. Also, people with a low tolerance for frustration will try to force the desired result when not given what they want. So, a child who loses a game of CandyLand may scream and cry. Or she may throw insults at the winner.  

Either way, inflexible children are more prone to tearing someone down. It helps them build their own stability.