Risk Factors: Sibling Emotional Abuse

There is yet to be sufficient research into how and why sibling abuse occurs. But experts have found a number of risk factors that can make sibling emotional abuse more likely. I have used this website and this one to restate experts' findings. I have also made some of my own observations, which I have also included below. 

• Parents are uninvolved 
• Parents are in denial that there's a problem
• Parents don't understand that it's a big deal 
• Parents think they must always hold children equally accountable
• Parents are permissive
• Parents accept sibling rivalry as normal, rather than working to minimize fights
• Parents have not taught conflict management from early on
• Parents don't intervene
• The abuser has a personality that craves power
• The abuser has low self-esteem
• The abuser exhibits inflexibility, or a low tolerance for frustration
• Jealousy after the baby arrives initiates abusive behavior in the older sibling, which later become habits
• The abuser lacks empathy
• Abuse has been modeled for children

Risk Factors: Sibling Physical Abuse

Physical abuse of a sibling is more common than many parents realize. It is estimated that about 53% of children have committed at least one act of severe aggression toward a sibling (Wiehe, V., "Rivalry or Abuse?"). Physical abuse can be long-term or intermittent, but any violence toward a sibling threatens the physical and emotional well-being of the child. Here are some risk factors for sibling physical abuse:

• Inappropriate Care-taking Roles: When one child is burdened with so much responsibility for a sibling that he or she is essentially that child's surrogate parent, physical abuse often ensues. Parents should use resources such as after school care programs instead of leaving older children in charge of younger ones. Parents should also educate themselves on appropriate times to leave their children on their own, and understand that no child of any age should be burdened with too much responsibility for a sibling.
• Children have observed violence: Children (and people) often learn by observing others. If children have been exposed to violence, either through the media, at school, or in their neighborhood, they are more likely to see it as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
• Parents don't intervene: When parents see violence between children, they may assume it is normal roughhousing or part of a two-way fight. If parents are frequently not at home, then there is no parent around to stop the violence. 

It is important to note that violence toward a sibling should never be downplayed. Physical abuse of a child by a child is just as harmful as physical abuse of a child by a parent. Parents are responsible for setting very clear rules and enforcing them. Violence is never acceptable. 

Risk Factors: Sibling Sexual Abuse

What causes a child to become abusive? In this three-part series, I'll detail all the ways researchers have found that can increase the chances of sibling abuse. We need more research to fully understand the reason behind sibling abuse (I've stated earlier that sibling abuse has not been studied very much), but we have some data to start from. 

Here are some factors that can increase the risk of sibling sexual abuse:

• Children have been sexually abused or witnessed sexual abuse*
• Children have access to pornography
• Parents have not discussed sexuality and personal safety with their children

From what I've read and studied so far, some things about sibling sexual abuse have become very clear to me, and they are worthy of discussion.

Sexual abuse is probably the form of abuse that parents are the least likely to find out about. And even when they do, parents are frequently in denial. Children are easily dismissed. It is much easier for parents to believe that their child is making something up than to believe that what they're saying is true. 

In many families, even if parents did know that incest has occurred between children, the abuse is never discussed. The parents sweep it under the rug and act as if it never happened. This can be invalidating, hurtful, and re-traumatizing for many survivors of sibling sexual abuse.

Survivors of sexual abuse often feel a great deal of shame and self-blame for what happened to them. If this is you, believe me when I say to you: It was not your fault. No child is able to give consent. It is always the responsibility of the parents to ensure their children's safety.    

* Unlike research on adult offenders, a strong causal relationship has been established between child and adolescent offenders and these offenders' own prior victimization, by either adults or other children. 

Coping Mechanisms

Any form of abuse can be almost impossible to bear. As a child, you developed coping mechanisms to withstand the pain. Depending on your situation and the type of abuse you faced, some of these may not apply to you. But no matter what type of abuse you went through, you will find something in here that will help you understand yourself better. Coping mechanisms take effect during childhood and often continue into adulthood, as pain doesn't disappear when the abuser is no longer in your life. Here are a few common mechanisms one can use to cope*:

Denial: This mechanism takes a few different forms. You may have pretended that what was happening wasn't. Or, you may have acknowledged that you were abused but deny it had any impact on you. Denial can also mean numbing yourself to your feelings. 

Minimizing: "It's no big deal," is the mantra of the survivors who use this mechanism. People who minimize the abuse may downplay the action while it's happening. They may think to themselves, "Oh, my sister was joking with me," when she really just humiliated you in front of all your friends.

Rationalizing: Rationalizing is making excuses for the abuser's behavior. You may have explained away your brother's punches with, "He's just a little stressed now." Those who use this tactic subconsciously feel that if they feel sorry for the aggressor, they will not have to dwell on their own hurt and angry feelings. 

Forgetting: For survivors of sexual abuse especially, forgetting is a very common coping strategy. The human mind is a powerful instrument, with some people being able to block the abuse as it happens. Many adult survivors do not remember the abuse until decades later.   

Presenting a Facade to the World: In a society where only happiness is an acceptable emotion, one can understand why a survivor would want to present a very different face from what she's really feeling. For if she showed what was really going on, people would question her about it: "Why are you so upset all the time?" they would say. A false display of happiness is one way to avoid dealing with reality. 

Humor: Your laughter can distract you from your tears. If you make a joke about what you're going through, you don't have to deal with the anger, shame and fear. It can also be a way for you to tell the truth without making people feel uncomfortable. 

Dissociation: For survivors of physical and sexual abuse especially, dissociation is a powerful tool in dealing with what's happening to them. To dissociate is to disconnect yourself from your body so that you do not feel what is being done to you. Survivors will say that after physically and emotionally distancing themselves, it's almost as if they were watching the scene from far away; they weren't there anymore.

Avoiding People and Intimacy: Many people will isolate themselves because they feel unlovable or worthless. They can also avoid relationships for fear of being hurt again. Sometimes people have had so many experiences with abusive relationships that they believe it's far better to not have a relationship at all.  

Maintaining Control: When you were a child, you did not have any power to stop what was being done to you. In adulthood, you may feel that if you control your environment, you'll be safe. A need for control can extend to your relationships with other people.

Escape: Some children who are being abused may have attempted to run away from their homes. If actual escape was impossible, you may have found a form of fantasy escape, such as through sleep, books, video games, or the Internet.

Eating Disorders: If you developed anorexia or bulimia while you were living at home, you may have been trying to cry for help. It also might have been another form of control: You couldn't control what someone else did to you, but you could control what you did to your body. Compulsive eating, on the other hand, is a way to hide from your emotions so you don't have to feel pain. It's also another way to hide from intimacy. 

Addiction: There are many types of addiction. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to numb themselves from the pain. Others will get addicted to things like work or being busy in order to distract themselves from what they're feeling.

While this is a long list, these are not all of the possible ways you used to cope. You can probably come up with a few more you used to manage your pain. It might be overwhelming for you to think about all your coping strategies and how they affected your life. Keep in mind that recognizing the ways you coped will help you to assess where you are in the healing process and to make positive changes in the future.

As you grow, you will begin to let go of some of your old ways of coping. More resources will become available to you as you acquire the power and autonomy that comes with adulthood. You can practice healthier responses and replace the ones that have been damaging to you. Above all else, do not be ashamed of what you did to survive. In life, we all do the best we can as we are able to in that given moment. Begin making changes by accepting and loving yourself. 

* list taken from:
Bass, Ellen, and Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper, 2008. Print.   

     

Unleash the Beast

I always thought anger was a bad thing.

We are not allowed to express anger. In our daily interactions, we must wear a fake, pleasant smile no matter how we really feel. We are taught that if we ever do "snap," we are horrible people. We have turned into monsters who cannot control our base instincts. Anger is a beast that must be locked up and never let out. If you've ever struggled with demons, you know that anger doesn't like this. The beast rebels inside of you, kicking and scratching at the cage you've made for it. In your attempts to be A Good Person, you must fight back harder, ensuring the monster never sees the light of day. This is quite possibly the worst thing we can do.

Here's something I learned the hard way: Repression often makes anger worse. Suppressing one's feelings never makes them go away. Nursing your demons ensures that the beast will grow larger inside of you. When people do not express their angry feelings, they will turn their anger inward. This will lead to depression, physical ailments, and self-destructive behavior. People who bottle up their anger will often turn to self-medication like drugs and alcohol. They may experience physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, insomnia, and heart palpitations. To get rid of your anger, do the exact opposite of repressing it--express it! Unleash the beast. 

After years and years of controlling my anger, I finally realized the healing power of expressing my feelings one day when I decided to beat my mattress to a pulp. I had been really angry just before, and decided to really go for it. After 15 minutes of pounding, I stood up, took a breath . . . and felt a sense of release. It was unlike anything I had ever felt after a rage attack. I felt a little bit lighter--much lighter than I usually do. Usually I just feel dead. 

Some research and experimenting made me find other methods for expressing anger. Destroying things is a great way to release negative energy. Break old dishes. Throw them against the wall. Shred old phone books or newspapers. If you have a picture of your abuser, take it, scribble away on it, and tear it up. This was especially powerful for me. I once drew on and cut up a picture of my abuser, and made sure to scribble her face out as hard as I could. When I saw the pieces lying on the floor, I thought to myself, "Wow. This is how much I hate her. This is a visual representation of my rage toward my sibling." Seeing my anger in visual form helped make my feelings more real. Before, I had been shoving them aside. Now they were demanding I take them seriously.

Vocalize your feelings. Find a safe place to scream, or scream into your pillow. Think of phrases you want to say to your abuser now that you could not say back then: "I hate what you've done to me! I hate you! I hate how much you've hurt me!" One day, when I was alone in the house (I went through every room to make sure), I found myself screaming my feelings to the air. I imagined my sibling was standing right in front of me, and found myself screaming over and over again, "You fucker!!! You fucker!!! You fucker!!!" It felt good.

During these vocalizations, it can be helpful to fantasize revenge. I once read about a woman who was sexually abused by her father. This woman would often imagine herself walking into her parents' living room, shotgun in hand, and shooting her father's testicles off. I myself like to imagine beating my abuser to a pulp. 

For victims of emotional abuse, actual revenge is often possible. In an emotionally abusive sibling relationship, the abused sibling often grows up and abuses their abuser. I am not at all opposed to this tactic. In fact, I've seen it be quite effective. This is often a great way for the abused sibling to exorcise their demons. The abuser also gets what they deserve. It is often only a taste of their own medicine that will truly do the trick. It is also a good way to give the abuser consequences. It's a good way to show them that their actions will not be excused. 

Of course, for victims of physical or sexual abuse, revenge is not a good idea. You don't want to end up in jail. Some victims of severe abuse find retribution through either criminal or civil court. Other victims find revenge through igniting social change by speaking out against abuse or by advocating for victims' rights in the legal system. 

Another tactic is to write, but not send, a letter to all the people responsible for abusing you or failing to protect you. Be as harsh as you want to be. Let them hear you roar. Tell them how they've hurt you and how they failed you. Let them know all your feelings. Don't stop writing until you've said all you want to say. It might be even more helpful to read this letter aloud, as if you are speaking to the person you're writing to.

Another tool to use is the art of telling. Talk to a friend who will sympathetically listen to your stories of abuse. I remember how good it felt the first time I opened up to a friend about my messed-up family life, and she responded to my woes with, "That sounds very infuriating!" Such validation gives an emotional "hug" to the wounded parts of your soul. It is very, very important that your hurt feelings be treated respectfully. Don't waste time with a dismisser or a victim blamer. Keep sharing your pain with others until you find someone who is supportive. 

The most important thing to know about anger is that it should not be denied. Anger is not a feeling to be ashamed of. It needs to be acknowledged, worked through and respected. Anger will not disappear by being dismissed. Take ownership of it. Confront your anger head-on. Work through it day by day and see what happens. 

It's important to think of this as a process. I've noticed that angry people are often advised to "just let go" of their feelings. It doesn't happen like that. The feelings must be worked through first. You cannot force yourself to forgive before you're ready. If you do, you're likely living in denial.

Anger is not bad. For the healing process, it's actually very good. When you express your feelings, you can turn your demons into your allies, and have them help you heal.