Denial: This mechanism takes a few different forms. You may have pretended that what was happening wasn't. Or, you may have acknowledged that you were abused but deny it had any impact on you. Denial can also mean numbing yourself to your feelings.
Minimizing: "It's no big deal," is the mantra of the survivors who use this mechanism. People who minimize the abuse may downplay the action while it's happening. They may think to themselves, "Oh, my sister was joking with me," when she really just humiliated you in front of all your friends.
Rationalizing: Rationalizing is making excuses for the abuser's behavior. You may have explained away your brother's punches with, "He's just a little stressed now." Those who use this tactic subconsciously feel that if they feel sorry for the aggressor, they will not have to dwell on their own hurt and angry feelings.
Forgetting: For survivors of sexual abuse especially, forgetting is a very common coping strategy. The human mind is a powerful instrument, with some people being able to block the abuse as it happens. Many adult survivors do not remember the abuse until decades later.
Presenting a Facade to the World: In a society where only happiness is an acceptable emotion, one can understand why a survivor would want to present a very different face from what she's really feeling. For if she showed what was really going on, people would question her about it: "Why are you so upset all the time?" they would say. A false display of happiness is one way to avoid dealing with reality.
Humor: Your laughter can distract you from your tears. If you make a joke about what you're going through, you don't have to deal with the anger, shame and fear. It can also be a way for you to tell the truth without making people feel uncomfortable.
Dissociation: For survivors of physical and sexual abuse especially, dissociation is a powerful tool in dealing with what's happening to them. To dissociate is to disconnect yourself from your body so that you do not feel what is being done to you. Survivors will say that after physically and emotionally distancing themselves, it's almost as if they were watching the scene from far away; they weren't there anymore.
Avoiding People and Intimacy: Many people will isolate themselves because they feel unlovable or worthless. They can also avoid relationships for fear of being hurt again. Sometimes people have had so many experiences with abusive relationships that they believe it's far better to not have a relationship at all.
Maintaining Control: When you were a child, you did not have any power to stop what was being done to you. In adulthood, you may feel that if you control your environment, you'll be safe. A need for control can extend to your relationships with other people.
Escape: Some children who are being abused may have attempted to run away from their homes. If actual escape was impossible, you may have found a form of fantasy escape, such as through sleep, books, video games, or the Internet.
Eating Disorders: If you developed anorexia or bulimia while you were living at home, you may have been trying to cry for help. It also might have been another form of control: You couldn't control what someone else did to you, but you could control what you did to your body. Compulsive eating, on the other hand, is a way to hide from your emotions so you don't have to feel pain. It's also another way to hide from intimacy.
Addiction: There are many types of addiction. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to numb themselves from the pain. Others will get addicted to things like work or being busy in order to distract themselves from what they're feeling.
While this is a long list, these are not all of the possible ways you used to cope. You can probably come up with a few more you used to manage your pain. It might be overwhelming for you to think about all your coping strategies and how they affected your life. Keep in mind that recognizing the ways you coped will help you to assess where you are in the healing process and to make positive changes in the future.
As you grow, you will begin to let go of some of your old ways of coping. More resources will become available to you as you acquire the power and autonomy that comes with adulthood. You can practice healthier responses and replace the ones that have been damaging to you. Above all else, do not be ashamed of what you did to survive. In life, we all do the best we can as we are able to in that given moment. Begin making changes by accepting and loving yourself.
* list taken from:
Bass, Ellen, and Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper, 2008. Print.
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