One Simple Reason

What makes a sibling mean? 

I would be a bad blogger had I not researched that question myself. For quite a while, I have read psychologists' theories  and closely observed many families in order to find an answer. My own observations and experts' findings have revealed various risk factors. Uninvolved parents will develop a problem with sibling abuse. A very insecure child will often take it out on a sibling. The arrival of a new baby sibling will often cause an older sibling to feel threatened or jealous. He or she will want to harm the baby as a result, and this dynamic can continue throughout the relationship. Different personalities are more likely to feel threatened or jealous than others.

I'll explain all these more thoroughly later. I've seen these traits in many families struggling with sibling abuse, and believe all of them to be true. But something still doesn't sit right with me. I've seen cases where none of the aforementioned factors is present, yet one sibling is undeniably, unquestionably being mean to another. So what's the explanation behind this behavior? 

There's a very simple reason. It feels good. There is an intrinsic reward in being mean to someone. It makes you feel powerful. It strokes your ego. And if there is any pleasure in the world a human being most enjoys, it is having your ego stroked. 

The abusive child doesn't care that he's making his sibling "feel bad." He doesn't see it as a big deal. The bad feelings aren't happening to him, so why should he care? All he knows is that it's fun, it makes him feel powerful, and he gets away with it. It's similar to how people feel about junk food. They know on some level it's bad. But that knowledge stands no chance against yummy, fatty, sugary goodness. Especially if you never gain weight, there is nothing standing between you and that diabetes-on-a-stick dessert.    
The delusional ones aren't just the abusive siblings. Parents are often guilty as well. Because the disrespectful behavior isn't happening to them, they can lie to themselves about it. They can convince themselves that what they're seeing is "no big deal." This is another contributing factor to sibling abuse: The parents are in denial that there's a problem.   

Both you and I know that emotional abuse is a big deal. Mean siblings can eventually learn this. Getting a taste of their own medicine will often do the trick. One family I know of had a problem with the older sister bullying the younger brother. The sister grew up, moved out, and got a job in one of the rudest cities in the U.S. After living there for a year, her personality completely changed. She went from mean girl to girl-next-door. She became so much more caring, friendlier and nicer. And she never bullied her brother again.

That experience was exactly the rude awakening she needed. Being picked on made her realize: "Oh. This is how it feels when people are mean to you. This is why we don't insult people for the cheap thrill it gives us. My previous feelings were lying to me. Being mean always made me feel good. I never imagined that it feels this awful when someone is mean to you. So this is what they meant when they said to treat others the way you want to be treated. I guess I'll start doing that." And she shaped up.

Now this story has a happy ending, and you might be inspired by that. But a message to any parents out there: This process needs to happen earlier. Don't wait for your child to enlist in the military. Nip bullying in the bud at a young age. If you hope the mean sibling will just "grow out of it," you're letting the victim sibling be picked on for the duration of the mean sibling's time at home. Children are capable of shaping up much sooner.

Oh, and there's another warning I must give you. It turns out that junk food catches up with you too...