A Taste of Their Own Medicine

The aftermath of sibling abuse can be very difficult indeed. There is not enough research out there to analyze all the long-lasting effects of having been traumatized by a relative. What can we do, as former victims, to support ourselves and give ourselves what we need so we can heal? Researchers have yet to find the answer to that question. However, some everyday folks think they have. For many former sibling abuse victims, a big part of the healing journey is growing up and giving their abuser a taste of their own medicine. In a process I call Attack Back, former victims march up to their oppressors and give them a nice dose of what they deserve. What does that accomplish? Quite a bit, actually. Here I have a few reasons why dishing back what your sibling dished out can have a positive effect, on both the abuser and the abused.    

A Release of Your Anger
One of the most immediate effects of Attacking Back (and also one of its driving forces) is the release of anger it provides the victim. One time, I was in my room, bubbling over with fury with memories of abuse. I decided to take matters into my own hands and write a nasty Facebook message on one of my siblings' walls. I knew there would be consequences (there were). I knew others would see her as the innocent victim (they did). But I'm glad I did it. Because the next day, I felt a huge relief. It was like all of my anger had disappeared. And it felt good. (A word of advice for anyone who has decided to Attack Back; for best results, try not to get third parties involved. It's better if there are no witnesses.) 

Providing Consequences
Even if Attacking Back accomplishes nothing else, it can provide the former victim with a sense of closure, that the aggressor has been punished. Something that has always bothered me about the concept of forgiveness is the lingering question of what happens to the aggressor. Do they get off scot-free? Especially if said aggressor is a family member, is it acceptable to carry on a relationship with this person by pretending nothing ever happened? Because that sounds more like denial than forgiveness to me. By providing consequences, the victim can take ownership of the relationship and give the aggressor an acceptable punishment for what he or she did.  

It Can Genuinely Be Helpful
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," says Gandhi. I beg to differ. In many life situations, not just with sibling abuse, I have seen positive consequences result from an aggressor receiving a taste of their own medicine. We all operate according to our own feelings. And part of the reason why survivors of emotional abuse develop a strong sense of empathy is because they understand how much it hurts to be picked on. In some families, I have seen aggressor siblings develop a true awareness of others' feelings once the victim-aggressor roles switched. Sometimes, it's not the sibling that provides this awareness, but the real world. Maybe it's moving to a rude city, or dealing with a jerk boss, but real-world consequences often open the eyes of a mean sibling who once thought that teasing was no big deal.    

Reaffirmation
One of the biggest reliefs for me when I started dishing back to my siblings what they had given to me was a sense that I had been right all along: what they had done to me had been wrong. You can easily convince yourself that you've just been "too sensitive" all these years. Teasing isn't that big of a deal, is it? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. When I saw my siblings' reactions, I saw reflected back at me my own emotions: shock, embarrassment, rage. I honestly didn't say something that mean to you, I would think to myself, and now you are feeling the exact same emotions that I always felt whenever you did the same to me. I would walk away with a sense of satisfaction, even more confident that what I was fighting against was something worth the fight. 

Ridding Yourself of Fear and Shame
When siblings bully, the memories attached to the bullying stick to the emotional messages. For example, maybe your sister made fun of a way you styled your hair. From then on, whenever you saw that hairstyle or wore your hair that way, you couldn't shake the memory of your sister bullying you. Something very normal, like a hairstyle, provoked feelings of anger in you. Something very similar happened to me. When I grew up and saw my sister carrying the same fashion statement she had made fun of me for, I went up to her and gave her the same snarky comment she had given to me. She got angry, but I walked away feeling satisfied. Whenever I saw that hairstyle again, it was just....a hairstyle. The negative emotions were no longer attached. 

Rebuild Relationship
As weird as it sounds, when a sibling decides to take revenge on their oppressor, it's often the go-light for the rebuilding of their relationship. In most families I have observed, the aftermath of the Attack Back was of course ugly, but it also was the action that cleared the air between the siblings. To the former abuser, the attacks served as a message, that the abused knows what the abuser did and will make them pay for it. What's probably the best message from the entire experience is the overall, "we're even now," that each side feels after the formerly abused rises up. For many siblings, Attack Back bridged the gap between them. Both were able to move on.   

Now, if you are reading this post, here's the question that is at the back of your mind. The question some of you are trying your utmost to avoid. Actually, it's really two questions. The first one is this: Is it absolutely necessary that I do this? And the second is this: If I don't seek revenge, what does that make me?

I don't have the answers to those questions. I cannot tell you if giving your sibling a taste of their own medicine is something you should do. But what I promise not to do is lecture you with ridiculous bullshit like, "Don't be the aggressor. Choose the higher road." That advice has never been helpful. Someone who is bubbling over with anger should never be told to repress their feelings. But I have a few questions for you to ask yourself to better help you decide what you should do.

The first is this: Has your sibling expressed remorse in any way? Sometimes mean siblings see the light all on their own, and don't need any extra help from you. I didn't have to be a bully to one of my siblings who had already seen the light and found ways to apologize for what she did. 

The second is this: Are you prepared for the consequences? Because there will be consequences. Your sibling will get angry with you. This can be satisfying, but it can also be frustrating, because your sibling will claim innocent victimhood when they are definitely not an innocent victim. Other people in your life may get involved, and may also side against you. To outsiders who don't know your story, you look like the bad guy, and they will try to intervene and pick sides against you as well. 

The third is this: Am I making the right decision for myself? Am I doing it because it feels right, or because I feel like I need to copy what I saw in someone else's family? Is there another option that appeals more strongly to me?  

If, after answering all of those questions, you feel you should Attack Back, go for it. I wish you luck, and hope you get what you need from it. 

An eye for an eye might make the whole world blind, but turning the other cheek will eventually kill us all. Whatever path you choose, I hope it's one that does not ignore evil, but turns to it and fights it head on.