Survival Guide

There is nothing quite so soul-crushing as living with an abusive sibling (or two...or more). Every day can feel like a struggle for survival. You are constantly being pummeled, and it feels like there's nowhere for you to turn. Add unsupportive parents to that, and you have a real recipe for emotional trauma. You may be constantly telling yourself, I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. Well, hang in there. I have a few tips to pass on from my own experience of being a sibling abuse survivor. 


Take Care of Yourself

When you are in an emotionally fragile state, one of the best things you can do is simply take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Reduce the stress in your life. Eat healthily. Exercise. A brain that is already super-charged with heavy emotions will become ten times worse when it has not been given the tools it needs to function well. When other people are treating you terribly, you can treat yourself right. 

Do What You Can

I once saw a therapist who told me that my life was in my total control, and if something was going wrong, I had the total power to fix it. Bullshit. That is never true for any person, and that is especially not true when your parents are still in charge. The only advice I have is this: Take charge of the few things you can control. One of the best things you can do when you're dealing with sibling abuse is to tell your parents that it's bothering you.

Now, the majority of you just screamed at your computer, "But I HAVE told them!!!!!!!!" And I know, I was there too. Parents often minimize problems, or simply refuse to listen. However, there are a few communication techniques you can use to increase the chances of your parents hearing you out.

• be specific - Instead of telling your mom, "Megan always teases me!" use a concrete example. This is even better if your parents were there to witness it. You can tell your mom, "It really hurt my feelings when Megan made fun of me for how much I ate at dinner tonight." And then remind your mom to do her job, "Can you tell her not to tease me if she does that again?
• be consistent - Now some of you are rolling your eyes. You can already predict what your mom will say. She 'll brush your feelings aside like she always does and say that Megan was "just joking." In cases like these, be as consistent as possible. Tell your parents after every single teasing encounter that your feelings are hurt. After some repetition, some parents will finally get the hint. 
• be emotional - Some parents who are deep in denial need a bigger push to wake them up. These parents will finally admit something serious is going on when they've seen tears. How do you make that happen? Well . . . you don't. Emotional outbursts happen when they want to happen. But if you feel one coming, have at it. 

And even if you do all of the above, your parents still might not get it. If that happens, at least know you've done all you can. Unlike my therapist, I do not believe we have the total power to change our circumstances. We just have to try our best, and hope that it works. If it doesn't, that's where the next step comes in.  

Establish Emotional Distance

If you and your sibling live in the same house, it's impossible to physically cut them out of your life. But you can do so emotionally. Your sibling has shown that he or she is not worthy of your trust. So, limit your contact with this person as much as possible. Don't sit down and watch T.V. with her, don't play games with him, don't tell him or her about your day, your friends, or your problems (after all, they're probably your biggest problem). If you feel comfortable doing so, delete them as a facebook friend. When you're hanging out at home, do activities by yourself. Go online, facebook chat with your friends, read, play with the cat, do homework. Become a pseudo only child. Or, hang out with one of your parents. But build a wall between you and the abusive sibling(s). They aren't worth your time anymore.

Don't Blame Yourself

Most kids struggling with sibling abuse (at least the emotional kind) don't struggle with explicit self-blame. They have a pretty good idea that it's not their fault. And that's good! But they can still struggle with feelings of shame and/or insecurity and inadequacy. Why? Because there exists a false belief that abuse only happens to pathetic people who have chosen to be passive. That if you're being bullied, it's because you are weak. Hear me when I say this: that. is. not. true. 

I have never, ever thought that the bullying in a family was the result of a weak, pathetic child "inviting" attacks from harder-working siblings. Poor parenting, family dynamics, personality of the aggressor, and bad luck are usually the culprits. In other words, things that were out of your control. Sibling abuse is never, ever the victim's fault.

So instead of beating yourself up with the thought, "Why did this happen to me?" look back on your past as something that made you wiser, more aware of the human condition. If someone as strong as you could have been treated so horrendously, then you now know that even the mightiest person can also be brought to their knees. In other words, bad things can happen to anybody. 

Find Support

One of the most essential ingredients in sibling abuse recovery (or even just making it through the day), is a support system. It is also one of the hardest things to attain. It would be wonderful if we could sit down with our friends and talk about the deepest, darkest, most injured parts of ourselves. But if you're like most people, you have enough trouble communicating with your friends adequately enough to get to see a movie together. 

But all hope is not lost, because you can find support through other measures. For me, the Internet was the answer. During my worst years at home, I joined an online group where the other members and I talked about how much we hated our families. It did feel better to get my feelings out, in an environment where I was (mostly) supported. What was probably the most helpful aspect of the group was knowing I was not alone and that some people had it worse than I did. But I'll admit, it was hard to form a true bond with no face-to-face interaction. 

Another resource is a trusted adult. For me, that was my church youth group leader. If one exists in your life, use him. These people are awesome sources of support, as their job is to form a connection with the youth in the church. My youth pastor was very understanding, and I wish I had talked to him more. Are there other adults in your life you could talk to? Don't shake your head. I can see you shaking your head. Seriously, sit down and think about the adults you know who could help you out. Is there an aunt? uncle? grandparent? family friend? neighbor? childhood babysitter? one of your friends' parents? summer camp counselor? If there is an adult in your life you're already close to, consider talking to them about your sibling issues. Adults have seen a lot of the world, and you might be surprised by their compassion. 

If you're lucky enough to have a friend you're really close to, feel free to lean on them and talk about your family problems. And then listen as they share their troubles with you.

Find Distractions

And if you can't find support (or even if you can) distractions work wonders. This is where your everyday friendships come in. A night out with your friends can make you temporarily forget your problems. And sometimes a break is just what you need. Distractions can also come in the form of YouTube cat videos, stand-up comedians, your favorite book, or your favorite T.V. show. 

For me, whenever I was feeling awful, Eat, Pray, Love was my go-to resource for both support and distraction. I would soothe myself with Elizabeth Gilbert's words and temporarily lose myself in the author's journey across Italy, India and Indonesia. (It's a great book, by the way, go check it out.) Both comforting and familiar, it was the perfect resource for pulling me back to equilibrium when my feelings ran amok.     

Avoid Nighttime

When you were little, monsters came out at night. Now that you're older, they still do. Many people suffering from depression, anxiety, anger or whatever say that these feelings get worse at nighttime. This is because night is the time for introspection. Everything gets dark and quiet, and the loud, busy hecticness of life isn't there to drive the demons away. 

So try to go to bed as quickly as possible. After dinner, work on homework, watch T.V. for an hour or two, and then go to bed. Do not stay up ruminating over all the things that are bothering you. Go to sleep, and your demons will leave you alone. 

Have Faith 

You don't believe it now, but life will eventually get better. Your sibling(s) will move out of the house. You will move out of the house. You may decide to cut off a relationship with your sibling(s). 

Not only that, but I've also seen justice be served in many cases. In my own family and in others' families, I've seen abusive siblings learn their lesson once they hit the real world. Sometimes even before then. Often, siblings know that what they're doing is wrong. All they need is a real-world consequence or two to make them finally admit it. 

Some people will turn to a literal faith to see them through. Reading the bible and praying are two activities that religious people find helpful. 

In the words of Andy Grammar, "You gotta keep your head up . . . The sun will always come again."