When I talk about parents needing to intervene during bullying situations, an argument I get from time to time is that such action does children a disservice for life in The Real World. A child being bullied, they say, must learn to stand up for himself. As adults, victims won't have Mommy and Daddy coming in to rescue them, so they best learn to fend for themselves now.
I have several problems with this point of view, and I will happily dissect each one of them for you.
I have several problems with this point of view, and I will happily dissect each one of them for you.
The first problem, and most glaringly obvious one (at least to me) is that if parents truly believe this philosophy, then 90 percent of them are not following it. From what I've seen, victims do defend themselves--and Mommy and Daddy do nothing more than stand in the way. Nobody likes to hear fighting, and when parents hear bickering in the background--even when it's a victim asserting herself against a bully--parents immediately intervene to shut the fight down. Parents don't stay out of it--they step in to yell "STOP FIGHTING!" If you truly believe that a victim must defend herself, then let her do the work you believe she should do.
In addition to parents not putting two and two together, there's a second problem I believe must also be addressed. Does bullying happen in The Real World? Sadly, it does. I myself have been targeted numerous times by power-hungry individuals seeking to project their insecurities onto me. But there's a key difference between life at home and life in the adult world: control. When you're a kid, you're at the mercy of the home environment. When you're an adult, what you deal with is your choice. If I have a problem with somebody, I can stand up for myself. If and when that doesn't work, I can choose to leave the relationship. I can dump the jackass boyfriend, I can move away from crazy roommates, I can leave the job with the bullying coworker. In short, I can seek a better life elsewhere if defending myself doesn't work out. As an adult, I am much more able to protect myself.
Home life is very different. If defending yourself against your bully brother or sister doesn't work--time and time again--what do you do? You can't cut off a relationship with them until you turn eighteen. So you're stuck. You are stuck being abused and you live your life expecting to be mistreated. Which is a terrible, terrible lesson to teach a child. The reason children must be protected is because they have no control. When a person does have control, then it's appropriate to expect that person to fend for themselves. But not until then.
And what about the bully? What is he learning about The Real World? Well, I'll tell you. He's learning: That it's O.K. to be mean. That it's just fine and dandy to get what you want by using force. That projecting your insecurities onto others is an acceptable means of handling your shortcomings. That getting a laugh out of humiliating others is a harmless form of entertainment. How will he fare in real life? How do you think he'll treat his spouse? His coworkers? His employees? The family he marries into?
Home life is very different. If defending yourself against your bully brother or sister doesn't work--time and time again--what do you do? You can't cut off a relationship with them until you turn eighteen. So you're stuck. You are stuck being abused and you live your life expecting to be mistreated. Which is a terrible, terrible lesson to teach a child. The reason children must be protected is because they have no control. When a person does have control, then it's appropriate to expect that person to fend for themselves. But not until then.
And what about the bully? What is he learning about The Real World? Well, I'll tell you. He's learning: That it's O.K. to be mean. That it's just fine and dandy to get what you want by using force. That projecting your insecurities onto others is an acceptable means of handling your shortcomings. That getting a laugh out of humiliating others is a harmless form of entertainment. How will he fare in real life? How do you think he'll treat his spouse? His coworkers? His employees? The family he marries into?
I've seen plenty of families where the victims stand up for themselves. And I've seen them do it calmly, firmly and consistently. Sometimes these interactions are successful, and many times they're not. Does this tell us that bullying is unbeatable? I don't think so. Recent bullying research shows us that the intervention of an authority figure is often the most effective way to beat bullying. And I strongly believe that when adults do their job--protect and discipline their children--positive results will follow.
I don't see disciplining a bully as "rescuing" or otherwise stunting the development of the victim in any way. In fact, I believe that intervention is exactly what the victim needs to fully develop his or her best self. Parents may be wary that a child will see himself as helpless when an adult intervenes. The irony is that children who grow up in safe, nurturing environments where bullying is not allowed are more confident and more likely to defend themselves should the need arise. I can tell you from firsthand experience; a surefire way to ignite learned helplessness in a child is to feed him to the wolves over and over again with no protection.
When parents embrace the mentality of protecting and correcting, they not only carve out a better future life for their children. With their respectful former bully and confident former victim in hand, they create a better "Real World" for all of us.
I don't see disciplining a bully as "rescuing" or otherwise stunting the development of the victim in any way. In fact, I believe that intervention is exactly what the victim needs to fully develop his or her best self. Parents may be wary that a child will see himself as helpless when an adult intervenes. The irony is that children who grow up in safe, nurturing environments where bullying is not allowed are more confident and more likely to defend themselves should the need arise. I can tell you from firsthand experience; a surefire way to ignite learned helplessness in a child is to feed him to the wolves over and over again with no protection.
When parents embrace the mentality of protecting and correcting, they not only carve out a better future life for their children. With their respectful former bully and confident former victim in hand, they create a better "Real World" for all of us.
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