You don't know "non-confrontational"until you're frightened of your sister screaming at you because of how you sort the laundry. You can't understand walking on eggshells until you've experienced the daily fear of "what is my sister going to make fun of me today for?". You don't know how hilariously inept you find the advice "just say no" until you've experienced painful, debilitating learned helplessness at the hands of your parents who have no concern whatsoever for the fact that you're being repeatedly disrespected.
That's only a small smattering of what I experienced as a child, which carried over into my adult life, and still affects me today. For a long time, I thought my inability to say no was simply due to a fear of confrontation. Nobody likes making others angry, right? Well, I read a book a while ago that really gave me insight into my struggles. It's called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can buy it on Amazon for less than $10. If you choose to buy it, trust me, it's worth the price.
One of the most significant contributions that book made to the understanding of myself was their explanation of how boundaries can be damaged. One big reason people from dysfunctional families have trouble setting boundaries is because they've been taught that when they say "no," they will lose someone's love.
This statement didn't resonate with me all at once, but after I sat down and thought about it for a bit, I noticed patterns in my life that really confirmed this theory. The biggest key for me was realizing that my saying "no" to my oldest sibling (the one I've cut off a relationship with) only took place after I knew I didn't love her anymore. Because when that happened, I knew I had nothing to lose if I said no.
There are many ways children can feel like they've lost someone's love, and one of these ways is when their attempts to say no are greeted with hostility. In my case, there were several ways in which my "no" was not respected. One way was through my siblings. If I stood up to them, they would often increase their efforts to make fun of me, or get angry and yell back. Another way was through my parents. If I fought back, my dad would immediately jump in and tell us "STOP FIGHTING!!!" I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself when I was being disrespected. I can remember different moments throughout my childhood when I felt resentful about something, but didn't speak up because I was worried about getting in trouble. Even from a young age, my parents had ingrained in me the firm belief that Fighting Is Bad.
In my life today, I can spot patterns reminiscent of my childhood. I still fear losing someone's love, and will often not say no to unreasonable demands. And then there are the bullies. I feel like I am constantly running into those gremlins. Within the past three years, I can name four separate incidents where I was bullied by someone (usually a roommate, coworker, or classmate). It makes me feel angry and helpless all over again. My attempts to stand up for myself are never successful.
Helplessness is a big factor in having unhealthy boundaries. "What's the use?" is my battle cry. I'd rather feel angry than both angry and defeated. I discovered long ago that the underdog story sensationalized in Hollywood films is nothing but a myth. Fighting back does not do anything to stop the aggressor. Not being attacked has more to do with not being seen as a target, something I have not yet figured out how to accomplish.
And then there are other ways people can develop unhealthy boundaries. These are often inappropriate attempts to set boundaries, such as withdrawing from relationships, taking insecurities out on others, bullying so as to be seen as more powerful, or overcompensating by being very controlling.
But there is hope. You can develop better boundaries. This usually occurs when close friends redo the work done by your family of origin. After developing close connections with these people, you can begin to feel safe in saying no. Because you learn that you will be loved, even when you set limits.
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