So I've told you about my not attending a sibling's wedding. Well, a few months ago, some long-time acquaintances of mine decided to have a word with me about it. On Facebook. For everyone to see.
That's right. Completely disregarding my feelings, or my desire to keep what was happening AWAY from my current life, these people posted public messages on my wall expressing their disappointment with my decision. I "should have been there" they said. They "hope I don't regret my decision one day." Well, that last person won't be let down, because I won't regret my decision. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize what I did was right. It was the proper expression of my disappointment, anger, and loss of trust and love for this particular sibling. Had I gone, I would be kicking myself now for betraying my feelings and bending to others' will. My not attending the wedding meant that others had to stomach the same heartache, disappointment and anger that I had always felt. It was a punishment that fit the crime (if there can ever be a fitting enough punishment for sibling abuse).
But that doesn't mean these people's statements didn't irk me. It wasn't the statements themselves, as much as the fact they were made and the emotion behind them. How dare these people think they can publicly criticize me? How dare they completely dismiss my feelings? And how dare they pick sides! Don't they realize that, in a situation like this, there are definitely two sides to the story? I couldn't believe they would blatantly side against me. How immature of them.
I didn't know how to respond, and I knew that any response, public or private, would lead to a Facebook war with them. So I deleted their comments, and that was that. I was showing them that I had no time for their words, and didn't hold much stock in their comments (which are both true), but the entire situation bothered me for quite a bit.
One lesson all this drama has taught me is that, during a controversial situation, the best thing you can do is NOT give your "two cents."It is the opposite of helpful. The other person will not think, "Hmmm....you're right! I'll just change my mind right now!" The reverse will happen. The person will feel invalidated and dig their heels farther into the ground. What's more, you will increase the person's mistrust for the other side and polarize the conflict.
The best thing you can do, for BOTH sides, is to simply....listen. Just listen! Put your ego aside. Forget where you personally stand, and listen to what the other person has to say. Validate their feelings. Show them you care. Even if you feel strongly they're wrong, don't tell them what you think. And then you've made the situation better for both sides, because now both sides feel understood, validated and supported. They are much more likely to make peace after they've been listened to than after they've been railed against.
Those thoughts had been rambling around in my mind for quite a while, and I was wondering what to do with them. I was thinking of making some sort of Facebook post about it, but I didn't want it to be explicitly about the wedding. So I waited for a different controversial event to happen, where I could sneakily slide my thoughts in, and finally found one this week. I won't get into too much detail, but in my community there has recently been controversy about pro-life messages that were scrawled in public areas. Obviously, some people were very upset about this, including me.
I used this event to express my thoughts about listening to opposing sides rather than lecturing at them. Let's just say that, although my post was definitely about the pro-life incident, it was carefully worded so that family members could clearly tell the message was also aimed at them. I was nervous about posting it, but so glad I did. So far, fourteen people have"liked" my status, not a single one of them a Wedding Controversy Person. That shows me they got my message.
After writing that message, I felt like I had put power back in my hands. I didn't need to walk around in an angry cloud over what someone had done to me. I had taken their (passive-aggressive) messages, and responded with my own (equally passive-aggressive) reply. This brings up another topic that I've been thinking about: the idea of empowering oneself. What can we do as survivors to combat our traumatic pasts? We grew up feeling battered and helpless, and walking around with an angry cloud over our heads was our only option. But now what? What can we do to tell our stories, combat current abusive situations, and raise awareness about sibling abuse?
It doesn't have to be a big, dramatic statement. It can be a quiet, small one like my Facebook status. But I think it's important to give ourselves voices. We deserve them, and now that we can speak, we have a duty to make the voiceless heard.
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