Firstborn Favoritism

There is a phenomenon I've witnessed in many families, and maybe you've seen it too. I call it Firstborn Favoritism.



One family I know of has three daughters, and the mother shows a lot of favoritism with her oldest. For parents' weekend the daughter's freshman year of college, the entire family went up to visit. Whenever her daughter went back to college after a break, the mother brought the entire family to the airport to wave good-bye. The mother constantly talks about her oldest, gushing the entire time, and practically ignores the other two daughters. She absolutely does not show the same amount of involvement or interest with the younger ones. She knows practically every detail about her oldest daughter's life, including her friends, her classes, her roommate troubles, her grades, everything. And she's no longer even living at home. The other two? The mother can barely name two friends of theirs. Her attention is completely sucked up by her oldest. So sucked up that she can't even tell that her oldest daughter mercilessly and relentlessly teases and belittles the youngest one.



Why do some parents show favoritism for their first child?



Ask any parent, and he or she will tell you about the indescribable love they felt when their first baby arrived. Their heart melted and the world stopped turning. Their baby smiled or gurgled, and that smile or gurgle was meant for them and them alone. They and their baby were one. And they had never ever loved any person as much as this little one before.



For many parents, these initial feelings never completely go away. Even after their second or third (or fourth...or.....you get it) child, the parent still feels a special bond to their first child. And some parents never completely lose their grip on this bond, which ends up manifesting itself as favoritism towards the firstborn child.


Now, many experts on sibling rivalry warn against playing favorites, but for different reasons. They believe favoritism ignites jealousy and competition in the non-favored children, who then tear down the favored child. I don't doubt this is true. But in my experience, favoritism can cause another effect: the favorite child bullies non-favored children.



Why does favoritism cause the favored child to bully? I have a few theories. First of all, a favored child is exposed to enormous amounts of praise, attention and affection from the parent. This parent-worship affects the child by reducing his or her sense of empathy. The extra attention can also increase a child's desire for power. With so much indulgence, the child comes to believe he or she should rule the world. This entitlement plays out in chasing after power in relationships with peers and siblings. Especially with siblings, because they will never desert a child like friends will. I also think favored children receive less discipline than non-favored ones. The apple of Mommy and Daddy's eye can do no wrong.


Some families I know of completely avoided firstborn favoritism. I have three theories for this. One is that some parents may have favoritism feelings for their first child, but are wise enough not to show them. Another is that some parents simply do not have a much stronger bond with their first child than with their second. And a third is that some parents have their own memories of growing up with a favored sibling--especially a firstborn favorite--and vowed to never do that to their own children. I know of three families in particular where I have a hunch that the mother (always the mother) purposely humbled the eldest child.


In each of these families, the humbling took place by withholding affection (but not to an abusive extent), teaching empathy, and generally reducing the sense of power and importance of Firstborn. And bullying does not take place in these families! Huzzah! Sibling abuse is cured!


Ha. Not really. But.....I think we've found a cure. Or a possible cure. Or at least a preventative measure. Don't show favoritism towards the firstborn child. Prevent bullying before it begins. Reduce the amount of power you give your oldest child, and he or she will not become a bully.


When you reduce the bullying, and by consequence the fighting, in the family, you--and your other children--will thank you.