Three Types of Fights

In all my research on sibling rivalry, sibling abuse, and bullying, something that strikes me is just how much misinformation is out there. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow. There are a couple of sayings and mentalities people hold on to with a death grip, never once thinking that there might be a better idea. Take, for example, "It takes two to tango." Even in situations where it is obvious, like painfully, undeniably obvious that a  bully is provoking a victim, many adult authorities blindly follow the belief to hold children equally accountable.  People: I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. You should  know that with children (especially with children), it's possible for one child to ridicule another for the fun of it. It is unreasonable to  expect the victim  to not respond.

And with siblings, it gets even trickier. Here, we're dealing with the whole "sibling rivalry is normal" belief, and with parents slapping the "sibling rivalry" label on every fight that goes on under their roof. Parents: It is not a given that every spat between siblings is normal and harmless.  And it is not the case that both children always equally contribute to the fights. "Fighting back" does not equate to "contributing." There is still one guilty party if one of the kids defends themselves.  How can you tell if there's a guilty party, or if what's going on is normal? It depends  on what type of fight you're dealing with.

In general, there are three types of fights:

Conflicts: These are the easiest to define: fighting over things. You can put a label on what they're fighting about. These fights are where your children can learn to "work it out themselves" through compromise. But these don't comprise all the fights siblings get into. If only it were that easy.

Rivalries: A little more difficult to spot. These are the power struggles, competitions and jealousies that often occur between siblings. Usually, both siblings are mad at each other. Fighting over the front seat of the car? That's a rivalry. They're both competing for power.

Bullying: In this situation, there is a guilty party, and the guilty party is very clear. The quickest way to spot something like this is if one sibling is smiling while the other is very angry. Even if the victim fights back, there is still one guilty party. Hold the guilty party accountable.

You may have noticed that Mrs. Next-door's kids always seem to resolve their conflicts just fine. Well, THAT'S GREAT for Mrs. Next-door--she got the lucky lotto win with kids whose personalities only bicker over easily solvable problems. Her family is not your family. There could very well be a different problem lurking on your side of the white picket fence.

In addition to fights being situation-specific, they are also family-specific. Some families are dealing with mainly "conflict"-type fights. Others are dealing with rivalries between two competitive personalities. And many families are dealing with bullying. Find out what's happening in your family. The right label will lead you to a better solution.