Firstborn Favoritism

There is a phenomenon I've witnessed in many families, and maybe you've seen it too. I call it Firstborn Favoritism.



One family I know of has three daughters, and the mother shows a lot of favoritism with her oldest. For parents' weekend the daughter's freshman year of college, the entire family went up to visit. Whenever her daughter went back to college after a break, the mother brought the entire family to the airport to wave good-bye. The mother constantly talks about her oldest, gushing the entire time, and practically ignores the other two daughters. She absolutely does not show the same amount of involvement or interest with the younger ones. She knows practically every detail about her oldest daughter's life, including her friends, her classes, her roommate troubles, her grades, everything. And she's no longer even living at home. The other two? The mother can barely name two friends of theirs. Her attention is completely sucked up by her oldest. So sucked up that she can't even tell that her oldest daughter mercilessly and relentlessly teases and belittles the youngest one.



Why do some parents show favoritism for their first child?



Ask any parent, and he or she will tell you about the indescribable love they felt when their first baby arrived. Their heart melted and the world stopped turning. Their baby smiled or gurgled, and that smile or gurgle was meant for them and them alone. They and their baby were one. And they had never ever loved any person as much as this little one before.



For many parents, these initial feelings never completely go away. Even after their second or third (or fourth...or.....you get it) child, the parent still feels a special bond to their first child. And some parents never completely lose their grip on this bond, which ends up manifesting itself as favoritism towards the firstborn child.


Now, many experts on sibling rivalry warn against playing favorites, but for different reasons. They believe favoritism ignites jealousy and competition in the non-favored children, who then tear down the favored child. I don't doubt this is true. But in my experience, favoritism can cause another effect: the favorite child bullies non-favored children.



Why does favoritism cause the favored child to bully? I have a few theories. First of all, a favored child is exposed to enormous amounts of praise, attention and affection from the parent. This parent-worship affects the child by reducing his or her sense of empathy. The extra attention can also increase a child's desire for power. With so much indulgence, the child comes to believe he or she should rule the world. This entitlement plays out in chasing after power in relationships with peers and siblings. Especially with siblings, because they will never desert a child like friends will. I also think favored children receive less discipline than non-favored ones. The apple of Mommy and Daddy's eye can do no wrong.


Some families I know of completely avoided firstborn favoritism. I have three theories for this. One is that some parents may have favoritism feelings for their first child, but are wise enough not to show them. Another is that some parents simply do not have a much stronger bond with their first child than with their second. And a third is that some parents have their own memories of growing up with a favored sibling--especially a firstborn favorite--and vowed to never do that to their own children. I know of three families in particular where I have a hunch that the mother (always the mother) purposely humbled the eldest child.


In each of these families, the humbling took place by withholding affection (but not to an abusive extent), teaching empathy, and generally reducing the sense of power and importance of Firstborn. And bullying does not take place in these families! Huzzah! Sibling abuse is cured!


Ha. Not really. But.....I think we've found a cure. Or a possible cure. Or at least a preventative measure. Don't show favoritism towards the firstborn child. Prevent bullying before it begins. Reduce the amount of power you give your oldest child, and he or she will not become a bully.


When you reduce the bullying, and by consequence the fighting, in the family, you--and your other children--will thank you.

Three Types of Fights

In all my research on sibling rivalry, sibling abuse, and bullying, something that strikes me is just how much misinformation is out there. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow. There are a couple of sayings and mentalities people hold on to with a death grip, never once thinking that there might be a better idea. Take, for example, "It takes two to tango." Even in situations where it is obvious, like painfully, undeniably obvious that a  bully is provoking a victim, many adult authorities blindly follow the belief to hold children equally accountable.  People: I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. You should  know that with children (especially with children), it's possible for one child to ridicule another for the fun of it. It is unreasonable to  expect the victim  to not respond.

And with siblings, it gets even trickier. Here, we're dealing with the whole "sibling rivalry is normal" belief, and with parents slapping the "sibling rivalry" label on every fight that goes on under their roof. Parents: It is not a given that every spat between siblings is normal and harmless.  And it is not the case that both children always equally contribute to the fights. "Fighting back" does not equate to "contributing." There is still one guilty party if one of the kids defends themselves.  How can you tell if there's a guilty party, or if what's going on is normal? It depends  on what type of fight you're dealing with.

In general, there are three types of fights:

Conflicts: These are the easiest to define: fighting over things. You can put a label on what they're fighting about. These fights are where your children can learn to "work it out themselves" through compromise. But these don't comprise all the fights siblings get into. If only it were that easy.

Rivalries: A little more difficult to spot. These are the power struggles, competitions and jealousies that often occur between siblings. Usually, both siblings are mad at each other. Fighting over the front seat of the car? That's a rivalry. They're both competing for power.

Bullying: In this situation, there is a guilty party, and the guilty party is very clear. The quickest way to spot something like this is if one sibling is smiling while the other is very angry. Even if the victim fights back, there is still one guilty party. Hold the guilty party accountable.

You may have noticed that Mrs. Next-door's kids always seem to resolve their conflicts just fine. Well, THAT'S GREAT for Mrs. Next-door--she got the lucky lotto win with kids whose personalities only bicker over easily solvable problems. Her family is not your family. There could very well be a different problem lurking on your side of the white picket fence.

In addition to fights being situation-specific, they are also family-specific. Some families are dealing with mainly "conflict"-type fights. Others are dealing with rivalries between two competitive personalities. And many families are dealing with bullying. Find out what's happening in your family. The right label will lead you to a better solution.

It Can Happen to Anybody. . .

I hate trite, overused sayings. But there's one phrase where I'll make an exception. "It can happen to anybody," applies perfectly to victims of sibling abuse. Often used after an unfortunate event befalls an otherwise capable person, the phrase "it can happen to anybody" means that bad stuff can happen to the best of us. Misfortune does not discriminate. Being smart or tough or brave or kind or rich or hard-working or quick or talented or anything else will not always protect you. Life is evil, and does not care how much you've paid your dues. When it decides to smite you, you don't stand a chance. So when bad things happen, you are not automatically to blame.

Many people think differently. After hearing about something horrible that happened to an acquaintance of theirs, these people will chalk it up to being the victim's fault. They want to distance themselves from the truth that something equally bad can happen to them. And in a weird mirroring of this belief, victims blame themselves, but for different reasons. We want to believe that as long as we are good and strong, we are invincible. Nothing bad can happen to us so long as we play our cards right. And if something terrible does happen, it must have been our fault. Because if it wasn't, and life really was just pure randomness, then it means we are powerless in the face of evil.

The sad truth is that, in many situations, we are powerless. This is especially true when we're children. When we're children, we are victims of circumstance. We are randomly assigned a family, and we are victims of our parents' action--or inaction. We are also victims of who our siblings turn out to be. In all my observations of families experiencing sibling abuse, something has become clear: anyone can be a victim, and anyone can be an aggressor.

One family I know of had interesting personality combinations with their children. Their older child was a quiet nerd. The younger child was a social butterfly. As they grew older, these differences became more pronounced. By middle school, the older daughter's nerdy tendencies had made her an outcast. The younger daughter quickly moved up the social hierarchy and became a cheerleader in high school.

As anyone familiar with high school stereotypes will tell you, traditionally the cheerleaders and jocks pick on the nerds. Cheerleaders are "winners" and nerds are "losers" in fantasy high school land. (In reality, I didn't find this to be the case, but it's a fitting metaphor, so I'm going to use it.) Exactly the opposite happened in this particular family.

The older daughter, the nerd, picked on the cheerleader.

As I've said before, there are a few common reasons why a sibling becomes a bully. In this family's case, the older child became a bully because of her insecurity. She was a loner at school who was picked on by other kids because of her poor social skills and weird habits. To rectify her insecurity, she abused her sister, giving herself a power trip and temporarily relieving herself of her own self-hatred.

This ironic situation is not an isolated incident. I have seen other families where an otherwise strong, assertive person found themselves a target of bullying. Like the family in A Case Study, the primary target was an assertive, independent, straightforward individual. One thing she never did in response to the bullying was ignore it. She always took a stand, always made sure to correct Allen when he was bothering her. This was done at the expense of the parents saying, "stop fighting!!!!!!," but she didn't back down. Her responses, however, were not successful.

Beating a bully has nothing to do with how "strong" the victim is. Even secure, confident people can be attacked. I've said this before and I'll say it again: To beat a sibling bully, parental action is crucial. Kids cannot do it on their own. A bully needs to be held accountable by an authority figure. He or she won't obey a peer.

And another, equally powerful message must also be conveyed: If you were a victim of sibling abuse, it wasn't your fault. Nobody asks to be bullied or "invites" bullying. Bullies will bully if they want to. It doesn't say anything about your character if you happened to be a target. Bullying, like any other trauma in the world, can happen to anybody.

My Facebook Empowerment Experiment

So I've told you about my not attending a sibling's wedding. Well, a few months ago, some long-time acquaintances of mine decided to have a word with me about it. On Facebook. For everyone to see. 

That's right. Completely disregarding my feelings, or my desire to keep what was happening AWAY from my current life, these people posted public messages on my wall expressing their disappointment with my decision. I "should have been there" they said. They "hope I don't regret my decision one day." Well, that last person won't be let down, because I won't regret my decision. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize what I did was right. It was the proper expression of my disappointment, anger, and loss of trust and love for this particular sibling. Had I gone, I would be kicking myself now for betraying my feelings and bending to others' will. My not attending the wedding meant that others had to stomach the same heartache, disappointment and anger that I had always felt. It was a punishment that fit the crime (if there can ever be a fitting enough punishment for sibling abuse). 

But that doesn't mean these people's statements didn't irk me. It wasn't the statements themselves, as much as the fact they were made and the emotion behind them. How dare these people think they can publicly criticize me? How dare they completely dismiss my feelings? And how dare they pick sides! Don't they realize that, in a situation like this, there are definitely two sides to the story? I couldn't believe they would blatantly side against me. How immature of them. 

I didn't know how to respond, and I knew that any response, public or private, would lead to a Facebook war with them. So I deleted their comments, and that was that. I was showing them that I had no time for their words, and didn't hold much stock in their comments (which are both true), but the entire situation bothered me for quite a bit. 

One lesson all this drama has taught me is that, during a controversial situation, the best thing you can do is NOT give your "two cents."It is the opposite of helpful. The other person will not think, "Hmmm....you're right! I'll just change my mind right now!" The reverse will happen. The person will feel invalidated and dig their heels farther into the ground. What's more, you will increase the person's mistrust for the other side and polarize the conflict. 

The best thing you can do, for BOTH sides, is to simply....listen. Just listen! Put your ego aside. Forget where you personally stand, and listen to what the other person has to say. Validate their feelings. Show them you care. Even if you feel strongly they're wrong, don't tell them what you think. And then you've made the situation better for both sides, because now both sides feel understood, validated and supported. They are much more likely to make peace after they've been listened to than after they've been railed against. 

Those thoughts had been rambling around in my mind for quite a while, and I was wondering what to do with them. I was thinking of making some sort of Facebook post about it, but I didn't want it to be explicitly about the wedding. So I waited for a different controversial event to happen, where I could sneakily slide my thoughts in, and finally found one this week. I won't get into too much detail, but in my community there has recently been controversy about pro-life messages that were scrawled in public areas. Obviously, some people were very upset about this, including me. 

I used this event to express my thoughts about listening to opposing sides rather than lecturing at them. Let's just say that, although my post was definitely about the pro-life incident, it was carefully worded so that family members could clearly tell the message was also aimed at them. I was nervous about posting it, but so glad I did. So far, fourteen people have"liked" my status, not a single one of them a Wedding Controversy Person. That shows me they got my message.

After writing that message, I felt like I had put power back in my hands. I didn't need to walk around in an angry cloud over what someone had done to me. I had taken their (passive-aggressive) messages, and responded with my own (equally passive-aggressive) reply. This brings up another topic that I've been thinking about: the idea of empowering oneself. What can we do as survivors to combat our traumatic pasts? We grew up feeling battered and helpless, and walking around with an angry cloud over our heads was our only option. But now what? What can we do to tell our stories, combat current abusive situations, and raise awareness about sibling abuse?

It doesn't have to be a big, dramatic statement. It can be a quiet, small one like my Facebook status. But I think it's important to give ourselves voices. We deserve them, and now that we can speak, we have a duty to make the voiceless heard.       

Undeveloped Limit-Setting Abilities

Boundaries are something that I've struggled with a lot throughout my life. We all do, but I believe my own boundary problems have been worse than the average person's. And a lot of my struggles can be attributed to sibling abuse.

You don't know "non-confrontational"until you're frightened of your sister screaming at you because of how you sort the laundry. You can't understand walking on eggshells until you've experienced the daily fear of "what is my sister going to make fun of me today for?". You don't know how hilariously inept you find the advice "just say no" until you've experienced painful, debilitating learned helplessness at the hands of your parents who have no concern whatsoever for the fact that you're being repeatedly disrespected.

That's only a small smattering of what I experienced as a child, which carried over into my adult life, and still affects me today. For a long time, I thought my inability to say no was simply due to a fear of confrontation. Nobody likes making others angry, right? Well, I read a book a while ago that really gave me insight into my struggles. It's called Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can buy it on Amazon for less than $10. If you choose to buy it, trust me, it's worth the price.

One of the most significant contributions that book made to the understanding of myself was their explanation of how boundaries can be damaged. One big reason people from dysfunctional families have trouble setting boundaries is because they've been taught that when they say "no," they will lose someone's love.

This statement didn't resonate with me all at once, but after I sat down and thought about it for a bit, I noticed patterns in my life that really confirmed this theory. The biggest key for me was realizing that my saying "no" to my oldest sibling (the one I've cut off a relationship with) only took place after I knew I didn't love her anymore. Because when that happened, I knew I had nothing to lose if I said no.

There are many ways children can feel like they've lost someone's love, and one of these ways is when their attempts to say no are greeted with hostility. In my case, there were several ways in which my "no" was not respected. One way was through my siblings. If I stood up to them, they would often increase their efforts to make fun of me, or get angry and yell back. Another way was through my parents. If I fought back, my dad would immediately jump in and tell us "STOP FIGHTING!!!" I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself when I was being disrespected. I can remember different moments throughout my childhood when I felt resentful about something, but didn't speak up because I was worried about getting in trouble. Even from a young age, my parents had ingrained in me the firm belief that Fighting Is Bad.

In my life today, I can spot patterns reminiscent of my childhood. I still fear losing someone's love, and will often not say no to unreasonable demands. And then there are the bullies. I feel like I am constantly running into those gremlins. Within the past three years, I can name four separate incidents where I was bullied by someone (usually a roommate, coworker, or classmate). It makes me feel angry and helpless all over again. My attempts to stand up for myself are never successful.

Helplessness is a big factor in having unhealthy boundaries. "What's the use?" is my battle cry. I'd rather feel angry than both angry and defeated. I discovered long ago that the underdog story sensationalized in Hollywood films is nothing but a myth. Fighting back does not do anything to stop the aggressor. Not being attacked has more to do with not being seen as a target, something I have not yet figured out how to accomplish.

And then there are other ways people can develop unhealthy boundaries. These are often inappropriate attempts to set boundaries, such as withdrawing from relationships, taking insecurities out on others, bullying so as to be seen as more powerful, or overcompensating by being very controlling.

But there is hope. You can develop better boundaries. This usually occurs when close friends redo the work done by your family of origin. After developing close connections with these people, you can begin to feel safe in saying no. Because you learn that you will be loved, even when you set limits.

Four Reasons to Stop Sibling Abuse

No matter how much explaining, cajoling, pleading, or proving you do, some people will never believe that sibling abuse is a serious issue. Even after providing example after example, countless studies and statistics, some people remain adamantly convinced that all sibling acts are normal and harmless. It utterly amazes (and repulses) me. Short of giving these people a nice, healthy dose of their own medicine (no one, I repeat, no one would hold that position after experiencing sibling bullying themselves), I've come up with four reasons why sibling abuse must be taken seriously, and soon thereafter, ended.

Parent, you should stop (what I have referred to as) sibling abuse....

For Yourself: Your kids are driving you nuts, aren't they? They're constantly at each other! No matter how many times you've told them to knock it off, they just won't STOP FIGHTING! It's constant back and forth and back and forth...How come they haven't learned how to resolve their problems yet? How come they can't work it out like adults? Here's the thing: If the fighting in your home is really intense; if they aren't fighting over objects and you can't pinpoint what exactly they're fighting about; if one kid is smiling while the other is really angry, you are very likely dealing with sibling abuse which is NOT normal, and NOT something children can work out themselves. This situation calls for adults to step in and hold the AGGRESSOR accountable. This is not a situation where the siblings are equally responsible. If you blame them both, you will get a more resentful victim, a more satisfied bully, and the warfare will not only continue, but intensify. It's very simple to me: Stop the bullying and you'll stop the warfare.

For The Victim: The victim needs to see that you have a vested interest in protecting him. She needs to know that her right to be respected will be enforced. He needs to be able to protect himself in the real world, and not being trampled on at home will do that. Being protected will diminish the feelings of resentment the victim will hold towards both the bully and the parent, and will be better, in the long run, for you.

For The Bully: If the victim needs to learn that he or she is worthy of respect, the bully needs to learn to be respectful. Often the bully learns how to play the game. She'll tease her brother for fun, but be the most empathetic and encouraging friend. She knows how it works. She knows she'll never get away with bullying her friends, but she can get away with bludgeoning her brother. But there's a glitch. Bullying habits can influence how the bully treats other significant, primary relationships. I've noticed that sibling bullies will tease and belittle their girlfriends or boyfriends similarly to how they teased and belittled their brothers and sisters. Same, or even worse, with spouses. There are other primary relationships that can be affected too. In one family I observed, the abuser's sister was getting married, and the bully began bullying his future brother-in-law just as he had bullied his sister. There is a ripple effect to the bullying behaviors. They can be carried outside of the family to affect other people. It's best if they're stopped before that happens.

For the Family: And maybe the most important reason of all: the family. I've already told you about how I cut off a relationship with one of my sisters. No parent wants that to happen. All parents dream of a happy, unified family. But that will not happen if one of the members feels disrespected or unsafe. No parent wants dissonance with one of their children, but that has happened in my family, and a few other families I know of where sibling abuse has occurred.

These are four very commonsense reasons why sibling abuse must be stopped. So stop it. Now.

Don't Forgive Yourself

In all the research I've done on forgiveness, I've noticed a recurring theme. I see it on blogs, on pithy Internet memes, in books, and in scholarly articles. It's the idea of forgiving oneself. Equally as important as forgiving the aggressor, they say, is forgiving yourself. For what you did or didn't do in the relationship. For what you said or failed to say. For the person you were. It doesn't matter anymore, they say. Forgive yourself.

When we're talking about abuse, though, forgiving ourselves isn't necessary. We didn't do anything wrong. 

I find it odd how frequently victim blaming gets pulled into conversations about sibling abuse. I was having a conversation with my cousin one day, and we were discussing my relationship with my abusive sibling. Or, rather, she was telling me how she saw our relationship. For your information, my cousin and I live approximately 350 miles apart. We see each other twice a year if we're lucky. We didn't grow up together, and our relationship is casual at best. We hardly know each other, and she certainly doesn't know anything about my family's intricate relationship dynamics. But during this conversation, as I'm explaining why I'm not attending my sibling's wedding, she says to me, "Well, she has things to apologize for, and you have things to apologize for."

Excuse me? How can this person--who hardly knows anything about my relationship--automatically assume we're both equally guilty? It is not a universal truth that "it takes two to tango." That applies to many relationship problems, but in cases with abuse, assuming equal blame is wrong and harmful. The victim is never to blame for someone else's abusive actions. 

I've come to realize the saying, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" rings especially true for sibling abuse. If you do stand up for yourself, you'll fight with your sibling, and you'll hear the often-proclaimed-but-hardly-ever-questioned "it takes two to tango" line. If you don't stand up for yourself, you get walked on and everyone from therapists to estranged family members will tell you later in life that you were "playing the victim" all along, and had you defended yourself, or communicated your expectations (ya know, to your eight-year-old sibling), or yelled louder or acted tougher, all of this wouldn't have happened. 

When I was growing up and getting picked on, I didn't stand up for myself all that much. Part of it was fear, but another part was knowing in the back of my mind that my efforts would be futile. I knew I would just hear the "Now, now, Sybil. It takes two to make a fight," line, and the grown-ups would send me on my merry way. And then I would feel even worse, because I would be angry and helpless.  

But it turns out that even when you don't fight back, you still hear the "it takes two to tango" line. From people who can't bear the uncomfortable truth that maybe, just maybe, there is a guilty party who deserves accountability. 

There's a very simple reason why victims don't need to forgive themselves. What happened to them was not their fault. From all of my observations, I have noticed one thing: if the parents aren't on board, nothing the victim can say or do will do anything to stop the abuse. Children don't have control here. In the family unit, parents are the authority figures, the children are submissive to the parents, and the siblings relate to each other as peers. When sibling abuse is happening, the parents have the primary responsibility of stopping it. 

I believe strongly that if anything is going to stop sibling abuse, it is education. Parents need to be educated on recognizing harassment, and knowing what to do if it happens. When abuse is going on, it is often because the parents don't recognize it. It is not because the victim is weak. It is not because the victim needs to be assertive. It is because the victim got unlucky, and must live at the mercy of his or her parents' decisions.

So don't forgive yourself. There's nothing to forgive. The type of person you were never mattered. It wasn't your fault.