Once upon a Time

Once upon a time, there was a family that lived in the beautiful land of Suburbia. This was a typical family of

the kingdom, comprised of a mother, a father and two sons, Jack and Aaron. They lived in a magnificent 4-bedroom dwelling situated in the best school district of all the land. To outsiders, their lives seemed perfectly normal. The parents were devoted, loving people who dedicated their spare time to endless PTA meetings, homework drills, chore power struggles, and battles over Internet, television and cell phone usage. This family certainly experienced nothing worse than the typical, standard problems all families faced. The other villagers thought there was no way they were harboring any dark secrets.

But they were wrong.

From the time the children woke up in the morning to when the sun went down, the older brother was dedicated to making the younger brother's life a living hell. The elder teased, tormented and traumatized the younger every opportunity he found. He found all sorts of names to call his brother, like "wimp," "loser," "weakling," "dumb-fuck," "sissy," "string-bean," and "ass-face." Oh, he especially loved the word "ass." He attached it to many of the names he called Aaron: "dumb-ass," "weak-ass," "limp-ass," "crazy-ass." If it sounded good, he said it.

The parents were at a loss. They had no idea what to do! Every time they saw Jack tormenting Aaron, they got really angry. But all of their threats, pleas and badgering had no effect. Despite his parents' warnings, shouts and tears, Jack continued being mean to Aaron, because he thought it was fun.

One night during dinner, Jack became such a bully that the mother, father and Aaron simultaneously exploded at him.

"JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, MISTER!!!" screamed the father.

"HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF WE STARTED CALLING YOU NAMES?" shouted the mother.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!" bellowed Aaron.

Jack just laughed at them.

"You think you three can stop I, the all-powerful JACK?" He proclaimed. "I'd like to see you try!"

Unbeknownst to Jack, Father, Mother and Aaron quietly accepted his challenge.

The next day, the three of them decided to give Jack a taste of his own medicine. They started by using Jack's favorite weapon against him. It started at breakfast.

"Hey, Jack-ass," said Aaron. "Isn't that the third time this week you've had bacon for breakfast? Are you turning into a pig?"

Jack didn't like this new treatment at all.
"Stop that!" He screamed. He took a blow at Aaron.

But Aaron ducked, and continued with his long-awaited retaliation.
"Oink! Oink oink oink!" He cried with glee, a satisfied smirk on his face. It was funny Jack thought teasing was a big deal now that it was happening to him.

Mother walked into the kitchen. Inwardly, Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Here was someone who would rescue him!

"Mom! Tell Aaron to stop!" Pleaded Jack.

"Oh, Jack-ass," said Mother (Jack-ass raised his eyebrows). "You know that you deserve this. Don't act like the innocent victim. All those years of tormenting others, and you were sure to be tormented yourself."

Before Jack-ass could absorb the shock of this statement, his father walked into the kitchen. Maybe he could help! But before Jack-ass could ask for help, Father started up:

"Good morning Jack-ASS!" He cried. "I see you're hogging all the bacon. Do we have a pig in the family? Oh wait, I forgot. You're already a pig." He walked over to Jack-ass and took the bacon out of his hands.
"You won't be needing this anymore. We got some new food for you."

Father disappeared into the pantry for a few seconds, and came back lugging a huge bag behind him.
"This," he said, "Is everything that has been in our garden compost over the past month. You've always been a pig, Jack-ass: railing on your brother and using every tactic you can to dominate him. If you're going to act like a pig, then you're going to eat like a pig."

Jack-ass had a look of utter shock, disgust and fear in his eyes.

"EAT UP!" yelled father, and piled a heaping mass of compost on Jack-ass's plate.

"EW!" yelled Jack. "I'm not eating that shit!" And he ran out of the house, never to return.

"Good riddance!" said the mother.

"Yeah," agreed the father. He looked questioningly at the mother. "Why did we even have a worthless piece of shit like that anyway?"

"I have no idea," said Aaron. "But I'm glad he's gone now."

The three family members cleaned up the compost, washed up, and then sat down for a peaceful, happy breakfast together. They moved on with their lives, never to hear or speak of Jack-ass ever again. As for Jack-ass? Well, he became town legend, and when the villagers heard the rumors about why he ran away, they began to use his name as an insult. If someone was ever being especially mean, rude or crass, that person was then labeled a "jackass." The name-calling that Jack had once mercilessly heaped upon others was now coming back to haunt him--even his own name was not honored.

As for Jack-ass himself? He starved to death. Good riddance.