Another Reason Why

I have a friend named David who has an older sister. David once told me about a story he heard from his mom about his early

relationship with his sister. David was a newborn, barely three months old when this incident occurred. David and his sister were in his mother's bedroom, with David lying peacefully in the middle of the bed. His three-year-old sister was there, watching over him. David's mom was temporarily out of the room, grabbing something from the walk-in closet. Her back was turned for maybe ten seconds when she heard a funny noise. It sounded like small cries that were being muffled by something. She turned around and saw David's sister try to smother her brother with a pillow.

These family stories might give you a chuckle, but this is a story that nicely illustrates another reason why sibling abuse can occur. That reason is the intense jealousy an older child may feel with the arrival of a new baby sibling. 

In the book Siblings Without Rivalry, (yes, I know I keep referencing this title, but bear with me) the authors present a great metaphor for explaining the jealousy a first-born child may feel upon the arrival of a new sibling. 

Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you."  When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he's very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. "Isn't (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart... You are precious!" Then they turn to you and ask, "How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?" 

The new wife (or husband or partner) needs clothing. Your partner goes into your closet, takes some of your sweaters and pants and gives them to the new wife (or husband or partner). When you protest, (s)he points out that since you've put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you and they'll fit the new partner perfectly. 

Is it a silly metaphor? Maybe. But it provides a great perspective for parents dealing with a very jealous first-born child. How did you feel while reading this? Didn't you feel so enraged you wanted to smash something? Didn't you want to lash out at the new spouse? To harm him or her, no matter the cost? This explains the intense cruelty behind many older children's actions when a new baby arrives.   

Not all first-born children will react like this. Both research and my own observations have shown me that a child's personality is the strongest indicator of how they react to a new sibling. More specifically, I have found that a child with an inflexible personality is more likely to react unfavorably.

Many families report that this cruelty doesn't stop when the child gets older. The "meanness" simply continues, evolving into different forms as the kid grows up. What's the reason behind this? Some might say that the old jealousy never dies, that the older sibling never "gets over" being displaced. 

I have a different theory. I think that the jealousy itself dies away, but the mean habits stick around. Because the older sibling gets used to torturing the little one, he or she continues this behavior because it's what he or she is accustomed to. Being mean out of jealousy evolves into being mean for fun. 

So what's a parent to do? Parents need to validate these jealous feelings early on. In the story above, David's mother should have of course gone into the room and immediately pulled her daughter off of her son. (Which is what she did.) But then, she should have said,"People aren't for hurting! Show me how you feel with this pillow instead." 

She then should have handed her daughter a pillow to throttle. And then stood back and watched while her daughter pounded on it. She could have said something like, "You just want to send your brother back!" 

Such advice might shock parents, but research has shown that validation of feelings--not ignoring them--is what will drive vicious feelings away. Parents who end up with a jealous first-born child should not ignore the green-eyed monster, but welcome him in, listen to his feelings, and soothe the hurt away.