A large contributing factor to the perpetuation of sibling abuse is that the parents are in denial there's a problem. For parents, there are few things harder to bear than the fact that there's a serious problem in their family. It is far easier to bury their heads in the sand than to confront the fact that something is very wrong. After all, the abuse isn't happening to them. When they see one of their children bullying the other, they can tell themselves that the teasing is not a big deal. In fact, it's totally harmless. Even if the victim goes straight to the parents and tells them directly that their sibling is walking all over them, these complaints often fall on deaf ears. Parents who are in denial will often talk the victim out of their feelings, trying to force their own inward script into the mind of the victim.
We all know that emotional abuse is a very big deal. This is apparent in the consequences of abuse. "Long-Term Effects of Sibling Abuse" is my most popular post so far, by far. Many people who have been abused emotionally experience serious long-term effects like low self-esteem, depression, rage, and learned helplessness.
But let's forget about long-term effects for a minute. Something even simpler than psychological research waves a big red flag in my face that bullying is a very big deal. Have you ever noticed that it's always a big deal when the abuse is happening to the abuser? In many families where the victim has grown up to give the abuser a taste of their own medicine, they'll often find that the abuser is feeling the exact same way they did when they were the victim. In one family I know of, where the abused younger sister grew up to dish right back to her sister what had been done to her for years, I found an interesting reaction in the older one. During one of these incidents, the older sister threw back at the younger one, "You're so mean to me! You verbally abuse me!" Hmmmm I thought to myself. You didn't think it was that big a deal when you were doing the same to her.
And it's also always a big deal when the abuse happens to the parents. One time, I remember my sibling saying something relatively minor to my mom. It was something along the lines of "Oh, great!" and then her going to her room and slamming the door. My mom didn't take it, asked my sister to come out, and told her not to speak to her disrespectfully.
It was devastating to me that my parents would stand up for themselves, but not for me. While abuse is devastating to the victim, denial has just as much of an impact. Denial may not be done out of malicious intentions, but it is malicious in its effects. Denial leads parents to not protect their children from harm. And similarly to abuse, denial leads to a lack of trust from child to parent.
Someone once told me that, contrary to popular belief, it is not impossible to change others. But to change others you must change yourself. Parents who want to end the abuse in their families must first change themselves. Get out of denial. It's too dangerous in there.
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