"Stay Out of It"

Parents have been exposed to many pieces of advice about dealing with sibling squabbles. One bit of wisdom is "stay out of it." Don't intervene. Let the children work out their problems themselves. For if you intervene, one of a number of bad things will occur: You'll pick sides. Or you'll shut down their fight and not give them a chance to express their frustrations. Or you'll settle things for them and they'll never learn to settle things themselves.  

But just like with "it doesn't matter who started it," there are certain situations where "don't intervene" doesn't apply. 

If there's a recurring conflict that the children have not been able to resolve themselves, parents must get involved. If the children skip compromising and move right to a screaming match, parents must get involved. If the children are very young and have no idea how compromise works, parents must get involved. If a child begins abusing another, or the fight is escalating towards abuse, a parent must ABSOLUTELY get involved. All that's basic common sense, right? You'd be surprised by how many parents and child-rearing experts think otherwise. 

I once read online somewhere that parents should only intervene if someone is about to get hurt. No way. If there is even a chance that a fight will get physical, the children have skipped two or three important conflict-resolution steps. Steps where a parent should have said, "okay, it's time to intervene." If someone's about to get hurt, you've waited way too long.

Here's the thing about intervening: It's not all that important when you get involved, but why and how you go about doing it. The goal of intervening should never be to pick sides, shut down a fight, or resolve the kids' problems for them. The goal should always be to help the children communicate better so the problem can be resolved. As long as you have the right goal in mind, you don't need to worry about whether or not to intervene. 

Here's something more about intervening: It's not only "okay" to do so in certain situations, but absolutely crucial that a parent do so. I'm talking about families where one sibling experiences emotional, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of another. 

When I was going to therapy, my therapist had an interesting approach to getting me out of depression: he'd tell me my problems were all my fault. The reason my older siblings picked on me, he'd say, was because my personality invited it. (His exact words.) Because I was so passive, so compliant, my siblings saw this weakness in me and took advantage of it. My therapist was so convinced that I was the root cause of my family problems that he told me, "I think that no matter who your siblings were, no matter their personalities, this [the abuse] would have been the outcome." So it didn't matter that one of my good friends, who was just as unassertive as I, had an older sibling who treated her just fine. It didn't matter that my parents never did anything to correct the abuse when they saw it happen. It didn't matter that I saw plenty of families where the abused sibling did fight back, to no avail. It didn't matter that I fought back now and again, to no avail. According to my therapist, I was the only one to blame in my problems with my siblings.

Unfortunately, I have seen this attitude expressed in many different sources. Even in Siblings without Rivalry, the book I have given nothing but glowing reviews about until now, heavily implies in some parts that a child's personality influences whether he or she will be victimized. 

I disagree.

I have seen families where a passive, gentle child is pushed around by a domineering, insensitive one. But I have seen just as many where the victim is not at all passive. I've seen families where sibling abuse has greatly exacerbated the fighting between siblings. Usually, the sibling in the "victim role" is unsuccessful in stopping the attacks. 

I've observed families that have stopped sibling abuse, and from these observations, I believe that the key is not in the victim's response. It's in the parents' actions. Families that have successfully ended sibling abuse are usually headed by assertive parents who have clear expectations for behavior. And then hold children accountable for breaking the rules. That type of intervention is crucial. In fact, I believe that ending sibling abuse is impossible without the parents' intervention.

This shouldn't come as a surprise. Parents have a job. Their job is to protect, and that means deciding when it's time to intervene.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

The holidays are supposed to be one of the happiest times of the

year. 

But for those of us having family issues, they are perhaps one of the most difficult.

It is very stressful and upsetting to be around others who have done nothing but treat you badly all year long. When the family is sitting around the Christmas tree, exchanging gifts, exuding "Christmas cheer," it is very lonely to sit and dwell on your own troubles, particularly if they have been caused by your family. 

I recently ran across something on Facebook (of all places) that really caused me to think about today. One of my friends posted a status, part of which contained something that I wish to pass on to you. 

It said: 

No matter how much others intentionally try to hurt us, we can subsequently try to intentionally find happiness anyway.

So today I challenge you to try to find a piece of happiness, no matter how small. If you achieve that, know that you have gained a small victory in your own personal war against sibling abuse.  

Another Reason Why

I have a friend named David who has an older sister. David once told me about a story he heard from his mom about his early

relationship with his sister. David was a newborn, barely three months old when this incident occurred. David and his sister were in his mother's bedroom, with David lying peacefully in the middle of the bed. His three-year-old sister was there, watching over him. David's mom was temporarily out of the room, grabbing something from the walk-in closet. Her back was turned for maybe ten seconds when she heard a funny noise. It sounded like small cries that were being muffled by something. She turned around and saw David's sister try to smother her brother with a pillow.

These family stories might give you a chuckle, but this is a story that nicely illustrates another reason why sibling abuse can occur. That reason is the intense jealousy an older child may feel with the arrival of a new baby sibling. 

In the book Siblings Without Rivalry, (yes, I know I keep referencing this title, but bear with me) the authors present a great metaphor for explaining the jealousy a first-born child may feel upon the arrival of a new sibling. 

Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you."  When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he's very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. "Isn't (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart... You are precious!" Then they turn to you and ask, "How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?" 

The new wife (or husband or partner) needs clothing. Your partner goes into your closet, takes some of your sweaters and pants and gives them to the new wife (or husband or partner). When you protest, (s)he points out that since you've put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you and they'll fit the new partner perfectly. 

Is it a silly metaphor? Maybe. But it provides a great perspective for parents dealing with a very jealous first-born child. How did you feel while reading this? Didn't you feel so enraged you wanted to smash something? Didn't you want to lash out at the new spouse? To harm him or her, no matter the cost? This explains the intense cruelty behind many older children's actions when a new baby arrives.   

Not all first-born children will react like this. Both research and my own observations have shown me that a child's personality is the strongest indicator of how they react to a new sibling. More specifically, I have found that a child with an inflexible personality is more likely to react unfavorably.

Many families report that this cruelty doesn't stop when the child gets older. The "meanness" simply continues, evolving into different forms as the kid grows up. What's the reason behind this? Some might say that the old jealousy never dies, that the older sibling never "gets over" being displaced. 

I have a different theory. I think that the jealousy itself dies away, but the mean habits stick around. Because the older sibling gets used to torturing the little one, he or she continues this behavior because it's what he or she is accustomed to. Being mean out of jealousy evolves into being mean for fun. 

So what's a parent to do? Parents need to validate these jealous feelings early on. In the story above, David's mother should have of course gone into the room and immediately pulled her daughter off of her son. (Which is what she did.) But then, she should have said,"People aren't for hurting! Show me how you feel with this pillow instead." 

She then should have handed her daughter a pillow to throttle. And then stood back and watched while her daughter pounded on it. She could have said something like, "You just want to send your brother back!" 

Such advice might shock parents, but research has shown that validation of feelings--not ignoring them--is what will drive vicious feelings away. Parents who end up with a jealous first-born child should not ignore the green-eyed monster, but welcome him in, listen to his feelings, and soothe the hurt away.           

"It Takes Two to Tango"

"It doesn't matter 'who started it'" advises the University of Michigan in their YourChild topic on sibling rivalry, "because it takes two to make a quarrel. Hold children equally accountable when ground rules get broken."

I'm sure you've heard a similar statement before. It is the mantra among parents, teachers and other adults when dealing with conflicts between kids. If you've ever been on the receiving end of a bully's insulting words, you know that this statement can be just as infuriating as the bully himself. What do you mean 'it doesn't matter who started it?'" You probably thought to yourself when an adult punished the two of you for fighting. OF COURSE it matters who started it! He attacked me and I stood up for myself. Shouldn't he get at least a little bit of a worse punishment than me?"

I've been critical of the "It doesn't matter who started it" line my whole life. To me, there are some cases where the culprit is clear, and any adult who claims that it took two to start the fight is either insane or being lazy. What is so aggravating for a child dealing with sibling abuse is the double bind this statement presents to them. If a sibling attacks them, and they do fight back, then a parent will claim that they were both equally responsible for fighting. If a sibling attacks them and they don't fight back, they're letting themselves get walked on. Either way, the victim sibling loses.

I decided to dissect this mantra some more.      

Certainly, there are many circumstances where "who started it" doesn't matter--perhaps because there really wasn't an instigator. This happens most often when the children are fighting over things. In that instance, you aren't dealing with a victim and an aggressor, you're dealing with two people with conflicting wants. During these fights, the children most need an adult to guide them in the process of compromising, not someone who will arbitrarily pick a child to sit in a corner for five minutes. Punishing one of them for "starting it" would be unfair and unproductive. 

That makes sense to me.

What doesn't make sense is essentially turning a blind eye in conflicts involving a bully and a victim. In these circumstances, I believe, who started it DOES matter. When a parent punishes an aggressor for what he did, that parent is not "playing the blame game" but is holding that child accountable for his actions. In fact, in a victim-aggressor situation, not blaming is unfair and unproductive. When a child teases another just for fun, it is expected that the victim will respond. Punishing them equally only further infuriates the victim and satisfies the aggressor. It is only when the aggressor is punished for his transgressions that the root cause of the fight is adequately addressed.      

I searched the Web for some insights from parents on this subject. Here are some posts from this board I found. 

Parents: does it matter which kid started the fight?

I have a brother, and as all kids do we fought now and then. As long as there was no blood or other obvious injury, we both got in trouble when we fought.

Oh, we'd try to explain that the other started the fight, but it was inevitably met with "It doesn't matter who started it - it takes two people to have a fight. You stand in this corner, you stand in that corner, and don't sit down." 

For the 15-30 minutes I faced the wall each time, I remember being rather indignant that we never were allowed to reason with them, because to me it was important how the fight started. Not only that, it seemed terribly unfair that we (okay, I. I didn't really get his side) wasn't supposed to respond to being pestered...

Now I'm not so sure that how the fight started makes any difference if you're not in the room to see it. I don't have kids, though, so I ask you folks with real, non-hypothetical, parenting experience

Do you:

A. punish them both/all for arguing and hitting if you didn't see what happened, regardless of their reporting of the situation? What if there are three or more kids and everyone else fingers one as the cultprit?

B. play detective to figure out who was at fault, and only punish the instigator if you're reasonably certain that you worked out what had happened?

C. try to find out who was at fault to make that child's punishment worse, but not spare the victim(s) because they shouldn't have responded to escalate the problem?

__________________

I only had one child.

However, I think that it IS important to know which one started the fight, and why. Frequently all parties are at least a little bit guilty in a fight, but sometimes the provocation is just about irresistible. And sometimes the reaction is way over the top.

I think that NEVER investigating the cause of fights is just taking the easy way out, it's a sign of a lazy parent, or a lazy school system. If one kid is in the habit of just throwing punches at another kid(s), then the instigator needs to be stopped somehow. I know that there were a few kids of my acquaintance who DID just pick fights for the fun of it.

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When my boys fight, I do care who started it, but both of them get "in trouble" because if someone is starting a fight with you, the best response is not to engage in a physical fight. We do try to determine who started it and we talk about what each person should have done differently, but if you only ever punish the instigator, you're going to have a lot of pointing fingers and lying, plus, you're missing out on the lesson that everyone has control over his reactions - you can choose to talk it out, you can choose to get help from an authority, you can choose to walk away, or you can choose violence. If you choose violence, you'll face the consequences, just like in "real life."

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If I've got the time, I'll do some digging and try and determine who was the instigator, who escalated from verbal to physical, etc. Whoever got physical first usually gets the worst punishment.

If I'm cooking dinner, or doing some other job that doesn't allow for an easy break, or I'm watching something on TV I really want to see, then everyone gets punished.

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Yeah, from what I've seen, punishing both means the bigger/older one always gets to beat up the little one and pick on him and be cruel to him, and the parents never see he is only responding.

I am not a fan of this as you can see.

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Maybe, but only punishing one oftentimes allows the younger / smaller kid to figuratively and literally poke sharp sticks at the older.

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I've found that they know how to push each others buttons so well, it's hard to say who really started the ball rolling. I tended to come down harder on the one with the extreme (loud) reaction but usually encouraged them to work out their differences without appealing to parental authority. If I wouldn't intercede, they, in theory, would have less incentive to escalate.

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Yeah, this. Was it the kid who made the first physical move? Was it the kid who made the first verbal taunt? Was it the kid who tried to cheat to show up the sibling who had been winning? Was it the kid who suggested the game in the first place, knowing that the only way the sibling would win was by cheating?

You -- over there! You, over there! I don't care what he/she/they/you did. Stay there until dinner.

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Sometimes you get one purposefully building things up to a physical confrontation in order to get the other in trouble. I've caught students doing this to slower students especially. Verbally picking at them over knowing they'll get a physical response which is much more likely to be noticed by the teacher. I tend to punish the verbal aggressor worse in those cases and try to teach the other student better ways to handle the situation.

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Rule #1 -no bothering each other just for the fun of it.

Rule #2 -zero tolerance for violence.

Rule #3 -nobody likes a narc.

I didn't want them tattling on each other so I didn't get into the whole who started it thing, but our house isn't that big so I usually knew anyway.

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I don't always try to figure it out, but I do fairly often. It generally turns out that they're about equally guilty. The little one likes to push buttons, the older one likes to tease, and they both want to be the boss. So I point out where each went wrong and they have to apologize to each other.

The other day, my older kid came running in, screeching "Mooooom! She licked my tongue! Ew ew ew! It was groooooss!" All I could think to reply was "What on earth was your tongue doing out where she could lick it?"

 _____________________________________

With two boys 10 and 14, I am now so tired of the whole thing that a) they get punished for the NOISE more than anything else, and b) if there's no blood, I don't want to know.

I am exhausted!

Not to mention if I do try to intervene they just then both gang up on me!

_____________________________

Which teaches children that justice isn't important, the only thing that's important is not being noticed.

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I don't care. My words of advice to them: "I'm not fighting your battles for you. You work it out yourselves."

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When my stepkids were growing up, I sometimes watched my cousin's three kids on the weekends. There was about five years from the youngest to the oldest of the combined five kids. 

D's kids were used to doing the the pick-pick-pick-smack-tattle bit with their folks. I wasn't buying that. They quickly learned that I would begin by asking them a series of questions, starting with Is it on fire? If they couldn't answer yes to at least one of the questions, everybody involved got a time out. 

It wasn't long before they actually made attempts to settle things among themselves before trying to be the first to rat out a sib. 

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Not a parent, but as a child the few adults who would satisfy my sense of justice were those who punished us both but after investigating, so when I'm taking care of kids I try to follow their methods.

So I got punished for hitting my friend LA (which I shouldn't have) but he got punished for hitting me first and for cheating (he hit me when I pointed out that he was "miscounting" on purpose; as you can see, I still remember the specific incident very clearly 33 years later). The punishment was the same, we got sent to separate rooms to have timeout until dinner time (we both had reading materials and loved to read), but it wasn't because "I don't give a shit who hit who or why" or because "I'm the adult and you're both grounded". His mom did give a shit and she gave individual warnings on specific behaviours; the part she couldn't be bothered with unless something became a repeating problem was setting individual and specific punishments.

__________________

My parents punished me every time my brother got in trouble, just on principle. Apparently as his older sister his every move was my responsibility.

It's not healthy. Even at this age I have a Cain-and-Abel complex.

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It is true though that I hate watching kids who are used to their parents intervening and negotiating through every childish spat. Kids of elementary age and up should be able to solve most of their disputes by themselves. 

When my kids have a geniune problem I don't mind working it out with them but I will NOT be involved with the "pick, pick, pick, THUMP, wail" type thing. The younger one to be honest is horrible to his older brother and dreadfully disrespectful. Therefore if he involves me with the "He thumped meeeee" wail, yes, I will punish the thumper but the taunter will also be punished.

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Whether it matters depends on the siblings.

With my two boys? They don't really fight, but one of them will start picking at the other, and he'll answer back in kind, so the first one ups the stakes, and it just goes from there. It's all fun and games, unless and until it gets out of hand. Most of the time they're good at stopping when one of them is close to the tipping point, but when they don't, it doesn't really matter who started it, in my opinion - the best thing I can do is put a stop to it, NOW. Once they've both cooled down, they've forgotten what started the argument in the first place, and it's all good again.

I've seen plenty of other sibling pairs and groups, though, where one sibling intentionally picks fights and doesn't mind getting punished as long as the victim gets it, too. In that sort of situation, it's vital to get to the bottom of the situation and let the young instigator know that a) a parent knows what's going on and b) no matter how much trouble Chosen Victim gets into for hitting, Instigator will be in deeper trouble for provoking the fight. Otherwise Instigator will continue to think the fun is worth it as long as Chosen Victim gets punished the same way, as my mother used to say, "so I'm sure I get the guilty party" 

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In the moment, it doesn't matter. Later, it might.

That is, if you're fuming and screaming and indignant, you're not responding rationally, and you need to go cool down, whether you started it or not. Once you're calm, we can have a discussion about what happened, where you were provoked and how you might handle it better (non-violently, quieter, whatever that means) next time. And I'll have this discussion, probably separately, with the other guy as well. But while you're still fuming is not the time for this discussion.

I don't dole out "punishments". Punishments are authoritarian bullshit that don't teach kids how to control themselves when there is no authority around. But I'm happy to talk to you, help you find your triggers in a non-triggering manner and discuss strategies for how you might handle difficult situations. Which of these strategies you choose next time is up to you, and you'll quickly find out whether they work any better than the strategy you chose this time.

A time out in our house isn't punishment, it's a cooling off period. And I've sent myself to time out to cool off when I need it!

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'Fights' in our house usually consist of one child hitting the other, the other hitting back and the first telling on the second. 

I almost always get to the bottom of it (they get time outs until they are ready to tell the truth and then they both have to agree what happened). Consequences usually involve apologizing and play acting what they could have done instead.

My kids so hate this process that the act of hitting each other seems to have lost its appeal. (Though I nearly died of laughter when my youngest said to the oldest who had called him a name, 'thanks' and just walked away like we play acted. The oldest nearly burst from being so annoyed.)

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I'd go with the quick investigation approach as there is rarely a case where one kid has up and attacked the other for no good reason. And with kids you know, you learn their patterns pretty quickly, so there is usually evidence of what happened either because you hear voices getting elevated in the other room before the punch or something (like a toy) is in the hand of the kid who shouldn't have the toy. In those circumstances, the instigator gets it worse than the person who threw the punch, but both get punished. If there is no prior evidence, everyone gets punished equally. If there is no evidence, but several kids all have the same story where one party is clearly guilty, that kid gets punished and the others are told not to play with him/her for a period of time. The "everyone gets punished equally all the time" thing doesn't work for me because one kid will often be a jerk to the other kid on purpose knowing that the 'equal punishment' hurts the victim far more than the attacker, particularly when the victim is younger where a time out is that much more harsh for them. 

  

What is Sibling Rivalry?

In families with more than one child, sibling rivalry is to be expected. But what exactly is it? The one-word answer to that question is "fighting." Sibling rivalry is the competition, fighting, jealousy, and at times, hostility between siblings.

"Sibling rivalry" is the catch-all phrase that has been used in the past to describe any aggression whatsoever between siblings, including actions that have more recently been labeled as sibling abuse. This has misled many naive parents to believe that the sibling dynamics in their homes, whatever they may be, are inherently normal. Because sibling rivalry is normal, they think, if one sibling is teasing, belittling, or otherwise torturing the other, that is also normal. 

It's not, as this blog is here to tell you. 

But before I get into a deeper definition of sibling rivalry, let me tell you a little bit more about myself. When I was growing up, my older siblings constantly picked on me (for fun), and I saw the same thing happening in many of the families around me. To me, it always seemed so obvious: the reason siblings fought with each other was because the older one started it. In my mind "sibling rivalry" consisted of the older sibling being mean and the younger one fighting back. I never understood why parents didn't see this. 

It wasn't until I came across an article on the Internet that my rigidly-held belief started to crack. This piece, written for parents struggling with sibling issues, used the following question as one of its main headlines: "How can I tell the difference between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry?" 

What?

Huh?

You mean there's a difference between fighting and abuse? No way. I don't believe you. Older siblings always start the fights. Always. 

But as the very open-minded person I am, I started to question my thinking. I accepted the possibility that I could be wrong, and I began doing more research.  

Eventually, I came across a book entitled Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. There is one passage in the first chapter that gives one of the best explanations I have ever seen about sibling rivalry: 

"The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealousy is each child's deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents. Why this craving to be the one and only? Because from Mother and Father, that wondrous source, flow all things the child needs to survive and thrive: food, shelter, warmth, caresses, a sense of identity, a sense of worth, of specialness. [. . .] Why wouldn't the presence of other siblings cast a shadow upon his life? [. . .] The mere existence of an additional child or children in the family could signify LESS. [. . .] And most frightening of all, the thought: 'if Mom and Dad are showing all that love and concern and enthusiasm for my brother and sister, maybe they're worth more than me. And if they are worth more, that must mean that I'm worth less. And if I am worth less , then I'm in serious trouble" (Faber and Mazlish, pp. xv-xvi). 

Eventually, it dawned on me that the fighting I had seen between siblings had not always been caused by an evil older sibling's desire for entertainment. In many families, the bickering between siblings was driven by their mutual resentment of one another--that the other always got the limelight, the attention, the affection, the recognition and praise. And it wasn't always the older one who started it.

Many parents are guilty of seeing "sibling abuse" actions as "sibling rivalry" actions. They think that if one kid is teasing, belittling, or name-calling the other, then this behavior is automatically normal and both siblings somehow contributed to it. Neither of these assumptions is correct, and these parents need to learn that. I, on the other hand, was guilty of seeing "sibling rivalry" as "sibling abuse." I used to think that any aggression between siblings was started by the older sibling, and was carried out with the sole intention of inflicting harm on the other child. It was almost a relief to figure out I was wrong.

However, in many families, the fighting between siblings really is caused by one sibling being mean and the other fighting back. In these cases, parents should not shy away from laying the blame where it is due, and holding the bully accountable. Sibling abuse can exacerbate the fighting between siblings. It's not always true that "it doesn't matter who started it." When parents know when a child has crossed the line, they can more effectively discipline their children and better promote peace in their home.

Understanding what sibling rivalry is and isn't will help parents do just that.        


  

Revictimization

It is important to not stereotype survivors of abuse. Bad things can happen to anyone. However, a common finding in research on female survivors of childhood sexual abuse is that those who undergo sexual victimization at a young age are two to three times more likely than their non-victimized peers to experience a sexual assault in adulthood (Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992). This is a phenomenon that researchers have called "revictimization," and is both perplexing and troublesome. 

Why does it happen?

Like in nearly all research surrounding abuse, there are no concrete answers. But, there are a few theories:

1. Under-developed boundaries: There are two predictors that can greatly increase a survivor's chances of being revictimized. These are 1) The younger the victim was at the time of the abuse, the more likely she will endure revictimization. 2) The more severe the abuse, the greater her chances are of revictimization. A possible explanation for these two factors is that the individual's ability to develop good boundaries has been severely compromised. When we are young, we are very vulnerable. We accept the world as it is presented to us. When a loved one abuses us, we accept it as normal. The more severely we are violated, the more damage is being done to our boundaries. 

2. Inaccurate "Danger Cue" Reading: In one study, some researchers found that those who reported revictimization were not as good as their non-victimized peers at identifying people who broke what they labeled "social contracts." In other words, they couldn't identify people who would likely do them harm. Another study presented its participants with a hypothetical dangerous situation. Those who had been victimized as children reported that they would leave after the situation became physical, while those who had never been victimized reported they would leave well before then. It has also been noted that the "cue-reading" works both ways. Those set out to victimize others are good at "reading" who will likely be a victim, and who will not. 

3. Coping Mechanisms and Adjustment Issues: I've mentioned in a previous post that survivors of sexual abuse have been robbed of their body-ownership. Because they have been treated so cruelly by others, they believe that their bodies are simply available to whoever wants them. Researchers have found that survivors of childhood sexual abuse are likely to engage in much higher amounts of consensual sex than those who have not been victimized. They are also more likely to self-medicate with alcohol. These both can make survivors more vulnerable to attacks. Also, the usage of coping mechanisms like denial, self-blame, and distancing from social relationships can increase a survivor's vulnerability. These can all decrease a survivor's sense of self-worth and her motivation and ability to protect herself.  

I think it's not just survivors of sexual abuse who can face revictimization. I went through emotional abuse as a child, and throughout my growing-up years I was constantly being pushed around. I believe that there are parallels between revictimization of both sexual abuse and other types of abuse, and they are worth studying. 

The Healing Journey

In the ten months that I've been writing this blog, one post stands out above the rest as the most frequently read. That is my post on the long-term effects of sibling abuse. Many of you are coming here, in agonizing emotional pain from the injustices and mistreatment you had to face throughout your childhood. Many of you want to know how you can heal. There is an expression that states that time and distance heal all wounds. Maybe this is true for some things, but the pain left over from sibling abuse runs especially deep. So how do you cope? How do you fight your demons, make peace with the past and move on with your life?

I don't have all the answers to those questions, as I myself am struggling through my own healing journey. But I have picked up a few bits of wisdom. I've learned a little bit about what not to do, and a bit about what to do. So I have, if you will, a list of DOs and DON'Ts about healing. Here we are:

DON'T deny or minimize what happened to you. By telling yourself that all of your heartache is really "no big deal" in the end, you are invalidating your feelings. Your soul doesn't like that, and it will rebel. 

DON'T avoid your feelings. Some people think that by pushing all their anguish to an inside corner of their mind, it will simply disappear. It won't. In fact, it will most likely worsen. Feelings don't like being repressed. When you push down on them, they will push back. 

DON'T close yourself off from others. In a society where sibling abuse has received next to no attention, many survivors feel like no one will understand what they've been through. Many people, after having learned that people they're supposed to trust will only hurt them, think it's simply better to hide their pain from others. Individuals who have been through physical or sexual abuse have an especially hard time, as it's difficult for them to find an opportune moment to share their stories. In any case, being closed off from others completely destroys any chance of finding healing, as healing can only be done in relationship with other people. 

DO distance yourself from your abuser and those who failed to protect you. The phrase that time and distance heal wounds didn't lie. Distance works wonders. This is even more true when your abuser is still abusing you. This might mean waiting until you move out of the house, but you can find ways to distance yourself by being with your friends or simply by avoiding your sibling. 

DO honor your pain. Rather than suppressing your anger, shame, and depression, it is necessary to unleash it. Get it out of your system. The good news is that this can be done alone. Pick a day when you are alone in your house, and let it all out. Shred newspapers. Scream into a pillow. Beat the living daylights out of your mattress. Trust me, this works. Every time I do this, I feel better.

DO share your experiences with someone you trust. Find a friend, and tell them about what happened to you. Pick a good time to bring the subject up, and tell them everything. This sympathetic listener should hear your troubles and provide a shoulder to cry on. This makes all the difference in the world in the healing journey.

Your feelings do not want to be shoved aside. They want to be listened to and respected. And by respecting your feelings, you are respecting yourself.   

It's No Big Deal...

One thing that many victims of sibling emotional abuse experience is denial. 

A large contributing factor to the perpetuation of sibling abuse is that the parents are in denial there's a problem. For parents, there are few things harder to bear than the fact that there's a serious problem in their family. It is far easier to bury their heads in the sand than to confront the fact that something is very wrong. After all, the abuse isn't happening to them. When they see one of their children bullying the other, they can tell themselves that the teasing is not a big deal. In fact, it's totally harmless. Even if the victim goes straight to the parents and tells them directly that their sibling is walking all over them, these complaints often fall on deaf ears. Parents who are in denial will often talk the victim out of their feelings, trying to force their own inward script into the mind of the victim. 

We all know that emotional abuse is a very big deal. This is apparent in the consequences of abuse. "Long-Term Effects of Sibling Abuse" is my most popular post so far, by far. Many people who have been abused emotionally experience serious long-term effects like low self-esteem, depression, rage, and learned helplessness. 

But let's forget about long-term effects for a minute. Something even simpler than psychological research waves a big red flag in my face that bullying is a very big deal. Have you ever noticed that it's always a big deal when the abuse is happening to the abuser? In many families where the victim has grown up to give the abuser a taste of their own medicine, they'll often find that the abuser is feeling the exact same way they did when they were the victim. In one family I know of, where the abused younger sister grew up to dish right back to her sister what had been done to her for years, I found an interesting reaction in the older one. During one of these incidents, the older sister threw back at the younger one, "You're so mean to me! You verbally abuse me!" Hmmmm I thought to myself. You didn't think it was that big a deal when you were doing the same to her. 

And it's also always a big deal when the abuse happens to the parents. One time, I remember my sibling saying something relatively minor to my mom. It was something along the lines of "Oh, great!" and then her going to her room and slamming the door. My mom didn't take it, asked my sister to come out, and told her not to speak to her disrespectfully.

It was devastating to me that my parents would stand up for themselves, but not for me. While abuse is devastating to the victim, denial has just as much of an impact. Denial may not be done out of malicious intentions, but it is malicious in its effects. Denial leads parents to not protect their children from harm. And similarly to abuse, denial leads to a lack of trust from child to parent. 

Someone once told me that, contrary to popular belief, it is not impossible to change others. But to change others you must change yourself. Parents who want to end the abuse in their families must first change themselves. Get out of denial. It's too dangerous in there.

Cutting the Cord

In life, many relationships come and go. You get new classmates, meet new neighbors, make new friends, break off relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends and find new lovers. But there is one relationship that we're told is always constant, that lasts forever, that can never be severed. That is the family relationship. No matter the changes we go through in life, we are tied to our families forever. We are told that the love for one's family is unconditional. Even through their disagreements, "deep down" families will always love each other. Just like The Birth Order Bias, this belief is also bullshit.

Pretty recently, I cut off a relationship with one of my siblings. I've gone through estrangements from her before, but this one seems even more serious and long-lasting. I don't know if I'll ever be close with her again, or if I even want to. She has brought immense amounts of pain to my life, and getting rid of her has been akin to cutting out a tumor. I'm glad she's gone and I don't want her back.

I have a memory from when I was little of me lying on the floor of my bedroom, crying about something my siblings had done to me. My parents were there, sitting above me, trying to calm me down. What my mother said that night is something I'll never forget. She looked down at me and said, "They say that family you can always kick around, because they won't leave you like other people will." I find that interesting. Is it really admirable or healthy to assume we will never leave our families?

Cutting off my sister has been one of the best things I've done so far in my personal war on sibling abuse. Since I last saw her, I've seen a change. She looks at me nervously, and is careful with her words when she speaks to me. She's scared. She knows that I am this.close. to leaving her. And she knows it's because of how she's treated me. 

I know many other people who have similarly estranged themselves from siblings who were abusive. For many of them, ending their relationship with their abusers has been nothing but beneficial. Many of these people found an immense sense of peace after cutting ties with ones who treated them with senseless cruelty.

There is a stigma attached to leaving one's family. Because of the sacredness associated with family, to cut off that attachment is one of the biggest sins one can commit in our society. I would argue that not only is it not always a bad thing to leave one's family behind; it is also sometimes necessary and admirable.

To cut ties with an abuser is to protect love. It is NOT loving to consistently treat someone cruelly. If one were to continue a relationship with someone who consistently treats them disrespectfully, that person would be rewarding unloving behavior. Abusers need to be taught that they are not loved when they are being unlovable. Conditional love has its place, even in the family! 

Love is resilient, and can withstand humans who act imperfectly. But a human being who willfully mistreats another does not deserve love.       

    

Risk Factors: Sibling Emotional Abuse

There is yet to be sufficient research into how and why sibling abuse occurs. But experts have found a number of risk factors that can make sibling emotional abuse more likely. I have used this website and this one to restate experts' findings. I have also made some of my own observations, which I have also included below. 

• Parents are uninvolved 
• Parents are in denial that there's a problem
• Parents don't understand that it's a big deal 
• Parents think they must always hold children equally accountable
• Parents are permissive
• Parents accept sibling rivalry as normal, rather than working to minimize fights
• Parents have not taught conflict management from early on
• Parents don't intervene
• The abuser has a personality that craves power
• The abuser has low self-esteem
• The abuser exhibits inflexibility, or a low tolerance for frustration
• Jealousy after the baby arrives initiates abusive behavior in the older sibling, which later become habits
• The abuser lacks empathy
• Abuse has been modeled for children

Risk Factors: Sibling Physical Abuse

Physical abuse of a sibling is more common than many parents realize. It is estimated that about 53% of children have committed at least one act of severe aggression toward a sibling (Wiehe, V., "Rivalry or Abuse?"). Physical abuse can be long-term or intermittent, but any violence toward a sibling threatens the physical and emotional well-being of the child. Here are some risk factors for sibling physical abuse:

• Inappropriate Care-taking Roles: When one child is burdened with so much responsibility for a sibling that he or she is essentially that child's surrogate parent, physical abuse often ensues. Parents should use resources such as after school care programs instead of leaving older children in charge of younger ones. Parents should also educate themselves on appropriate times to leave their children on their own, and understand that no child of any age should be burdened with too much responsibility for a sibling.
• Children have observed violence: Children (and people) often learn by observing others. If children have been exposed to violence, either through the media, at school, or in their neighborhood, they are more likely to see it as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
• Parents don't intervene: When parents see violence between children, they may assume it is normal roughhousing or part of a two-way fight. If parents are frequently not at home, then there is no parent around to stop the violence. 

It is important to note that violence toward a sibling should never be downplayed. Physical abuse of a child by a child is just as harmful as physical abuse of a child by a parent. Parents are responsible for setting very clear rules and enforcing them. Violence is never acceptable. 

Risk Factors: Sibling Sexual Abuse

What causes a child to become abusive? In this three-part series, I'll detail all the ways researchers have found that can increase the chances of sibling abuse. We need more research to fully understand the reason behind sibling abuse (I've stated earlier that sibling abuse has not been studied very much), but we have some data to start from. 

Here are some factors that can increase the risk of sibling sexual abuse:

• Children have been sexually abused or witnessed sexual abuse*
• Children have access to pornography
• Parents have not discussed sexuality and personal safety with their children

From what I've read and studied so far, some things about sibling sexual abuse have become very clear to me, and they are worthy of discussion.

Sexual abuse is probably the form of abuse that parents are the least likely to find out about. And even when they do, parents are frequently in denial. Children are easily dismissed. It is much easier for parents to believe that their child is making something up than to believe that what they're saying is true. 

In many families, even if parents did know that incest has occurred between children, the abuse is never discussed. The parents sweep it under the rug and act as if it never happened. This can be invalidating, hurtful, and re-traumatizing for many survivors of sibling sexual abuse.

Survivors of sexual abuse often feel a great deal of shame and self-blame for what happened to them. If this is you, believe me when I say to you: It was not your fault. No child is able to give consent. It is always the responsibility of the parents to ensure their children's safety.    

* Unlike research on adult offenders, a strong causal relationship has been established between child and adolescent offenders and these offenders' own prior victimization, by either adults or other children. 

Coping Mechanisms

Any form of abuse can be almost impossible to bear. As a child, you developed coping mechanisms to withstand the pain. Depending on your situation and the type of abuse you faced, some of these may not apply to you. But no matter what type of abuse you went through, you will find something in here that will help you understand yourself better. Coping mechanisms take effect during childhood and often continue into adulthood, as pain doesn't disappear when the abuser is no longer in your life. Here are a few common mechanisms one can use to cope*:

Denial: This mechanism takes a few different forms. You may have pretended that what was happening wasn't. Or, you may have acknowledged that you were abused but deny it had any impact on you. Denial can also mean numbing yourself to your feelings. 

Minimizing: "It's no big deal," is the mantra of the survivors who use this mechanism. People who minimize the abuse may downplay the action while it's happening. They may think to themselves, "Oh, my sister was joking with me," when she really just humiliated you in front of all your friends.

Rationalizing: Rationalizing is making excuses for the abuser's behavior. You may have explained away your brother's punches with, "He's just a little stressed now." Those who use this tactic subconsciously feel that if they feel sorry for the aggressor, they will not have to dwell on their own hurt and angry feelings. 

Forgetting: For survivors of sexual abuse especially, forgetting is a very common coping strategy. The human mind is a powerful instrument, with some people being able to block the abuse as it happens. Many adult survivors do not remember the abuse until decades later.   

Presenting a Facade to the World: In a society where only happiness is an acceptable emotion, one can understand why a survivor would want to present a very different face from what she's really feeling. For if she showed what was really going on, people would question her about it: "Why are you so upset all the time?" they would say. A false display of happiness is one way to avoid dealing with reality. 

Humor: Your laughter can distract you from your tears. If you make a joke about what you're going through, you don't have to deal with the anger, shame and fear. It can also be a way for you to tell the truth without making people feel uncomfortable. 

Dissociation: For survivors of physical and sexual abuse especially, dissociation is a powerful tool in dealing with what's happening to them. To dissociate is to disconnect yourself from your body so that you do not feel what is being done to you. Survivors will say that after physically and emotionally distancing themselves, it's almost as if they were watching the scene from far away; they weren't there anymore.

Avoiding People and Intimacy: Many people will isolate themselves because they feel unlovable or worthless. They can also avoid relationships for fear of being hurt again. Sometimes people have had so many experiences with abusive relationships that they believe it's far better to not have a relationship at all.  

Maintaining Control: When you were a child, you did not have any power to stop what was being done to you. In adulthood, you may feel that if you control your environment, you'll be safe. A need for control can extend to your relationships with other people.

Escape: Some children who are being abused may have attempted to run away from their homes. If actual escape was impossible, you may have found a form of fantasy escape, such as through sleep, books, video games, or the Internet.

Eating Disorders: If you developed anorexia or bulimia while you were living at home, you may have been trying to cry for help. It also might have been another form of control: You couldn't control what someone else did to you, but you could control what you did to your body. Compulsive eating, on the other hand, is a way to hide from your emotions so you don't have to feel pain. It's also another way to hide from intimacy. 

Addiction: There are many types of addiction. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to numb themselves from the pain. Others will get addicted to things like work or being busy in order to distract themselves from what they're feeling.

While this is a long list, these are not all of the possible ways you used to cope. You can probably come up with a few more you used to manage your pain. It might be overwhelming for you to think about all your coping strategies and how they affected your life. Keep in mind that recognizing the ways you coped will help you to assess where you are in the healing process and to make positive changes in the future.

As you grow, you will begin to let go of some of your old ways of coping. More resources will become available to you as you acquire the power and autonomy that comes with adulthood. You can practice healthier responses and replace the ones that have been damaging to you. Above all else, do not be ashamed of what you did to survive. In life, we all do the best we can as we are able to in that given moment. Begin making changes by accepting and loving yourself. 

* list taken from:
Bass, Ellen, and Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper, 2008. Print.   

     

Unleash the Beast

I always thought anger was a bad thing.

We are not allowed to express anger. In our daily interactions, we must wear a fake, pleasant smile no matter how we really feel. We are taught that if we ever do "snap," we are horrible people. We have turned into monsters who cannot control our base instincts. Anger is a beast that must be locked up and never let out. If you've ever struggled with demons, you know that anger doesn't like this. The beast rebels inside of you, kicking and scratching at the cage you've made for it. In your attempts to be A Good Person, you must fight back harder, ensuring the monster never sees the light of day. This is quite possibly the worst thing we can do.

Here's something I learned the hard way: Repression often makes anger worse. Suppressing one's feelings never makes them go away. Nursing your demons ensures that the beast will grow larger inside of you. When people do not express their angry feelings, they will turn their anger inward. This will lead to depression, physical ailments, and self-destructive behavior. People who bottle up their anger will often turn to self-medication like drugs and alcohol. They may experience physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, insomnia, and heart palpitations. To get rid of your anger, do the exact opposite of repressing it--express it! Unleash the beast. 

After years and years of controlling my anger, I finally realized the healing power of expressing my feelings one day when I decided to beat my mattress to a pulp. I had been really angry just before, and decided to really go for it. After 15 minutes of pounding, I stood up, took a breath . . . and felt a sense of release. It was unlike anything I had ever felt after a rage attack. I felt a little bit lighter--much lighter than I usually do. Usually I just feel dead. 

Some research and experimenting made me find other methods for expressing anger. Destroying things is a great way to release negative energy. Break old dishes. Throw them against the wall. Shred old phone books or newspapers. If you have a picture of your abuser, take it, scribble away on it, and tear it up. This was especially powerful for me. I once drew on and cut up a picture of my abuser, and made sure to scribble her face out as hard as I could. When I saw the pieces lying on the floor, I thought to myself, "Wow. This is how much I hate her. This is a visual representation of my rage toward my sibling." Seeing my anger in visual form helped make my feelings more real. Before, I had been shoving them aside. Now they were demanding I take them seriously.

Vocalize your feelings. Find a safe place to scream, or scream into your pillow. Think of phrases you want to say to your abuser now that you could not say back then: "I hate what you've done to me! I hate you! I hate how much you've hurt me!" One day, when I was alone in the house (I went through every room to make sure), I found myself screaming my feelings to the air. I imagined my sibling was standing right in front of me, and found myself screaming over and over again, "You fucker!!! You fucker!!! You fucker!!!" It felt good.

During these vocalizations, it can be helpful to fantasize revenge. I once read about a woman who was sexually abused by her father. This woman would often imagine herself walking into her parents' living room, shotgun in hand, and shooting her father's testicles off. I myself like to imagine beating my abuser to a pulp. 

For victims of emotional abuse, actual revenge is often possible. In an emotionally abusive sibling relationship, the abused sibling often grows up and abuses their abuser. I am not at all opposed to this tactic. In fact, I've seen it be quite effective. This is often a great way for the abused sibling to exorcise their demons. The abuser also gets what they deserve. It is often only a taste of their own medicine that will truly do the trick. It is also a good way to give the abuser consequences. It's a good way to show them that their actions will not be excused. 

Of course, for victims of physical or sexual abuse, revenge is not a good idea. You don't want to end up in jail. Some victims of severe abuse find retribution through either criminal or civil court. Other victims find revenge through igniting social change by speaking out against abuse or by advocating for victims' rights in the legal system. 

Another tactic is to write, but not send, a letter to all the people responsible for abusing you or failing to protect you. Be as harsh as you want to be. Let them hear you roar. Tell them how they've hurt you and how they failed you. Let them know all your feelings. Don't stop writing until you've said all you want to say. It might be even more helpful to read this letter aloud, as if you are speaking to the person you're writing to.

Another tool to use is the art of telling. Talk to a friend who will sympathetically listen to your stories of abuse. I remember how good it felt the first time I opened up to a friend about my messed-up family life, and she responded to my woes with, "That sounds very infuriating!" Such validation gives an emotional "hug" to the wounded parts of your soul. It is very, very important that your hurt feelings be treated respectfully. Don't waste time with a dismisser or a victim blamer. Keep sharing your pain with others until you find someone who is supportive. 

The most important thing to know about anger is that it should not be denied. Anger is not a feeling to be ashamed of. It needs to be acknowledged, worked through and respected. Anger will not disappear by being dismissed. Take ownership of it. Confront your anger head-on. Work through it day by day and see what happens. 

It's important to think of this as a process. I've noticed that angry people are often advised to "just let go" of their feelings. It doesn't happen like that. The feelings must be worked through first. You cannot force yourself to forgive before you're ready. If you do, you're likely living in denial.

Anger is not bad. For the healing process, it's actually very good. When you express your feelings, you can turn your demons into your allies, and have them help you heal.