"Sibling rivalry" is the catch-all phrase that has been used in the past to describe any aggression whatsoever between siblings, including actions that have more recently been labeled as sibling abuse. This has misled many naive parents to believe that the sibling dynamics in their homes, whatever they may be, are inherently normal. Because sibling rivalry is normal, they think, if one sibling is teasing, belittling, or otherwise torturing the other, that is also normal.
It's not, as this blog is here to tell you.
But before I get into a deeper definition of sibling rivalry, let me tell you a little bit more about myself. When I was growing up, my older siblings constantly picked on me (for fun), and I saw the same thing happening in many of the families around me. To me, it always seemed so obvious: the reason siblings fought with each other was because the older one started it. In my mind "sibling rivalry" consisted of the older sibling being mean and the younger one fighting back. I never understood why parents didn't see this.
It wasn't until I came across an article on the Internet that my rigidly-held belief started to crack. This piece, written for parents struggling with sibling issues, used the following question as one of its main headlines: "How can I tell the difference between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry?"
What?
Huh?
You mean there's a difference between fighting and abuse? No way. I don't believe you. Older siblings always start the fights. Always.
But as the very open-minded person I am, I started to question my thinking. I accepted the possibility that I could be wrong, and I began doing more research.
Eventually, I came across a book entitled Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. There is one passage in the first chapter that gives one of the best explanations I have ever seen about sibling rivalry:
"The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealousy is each child's deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents. Why this craving to be the one and only? Because from Mother and Father, that wondrous source, flow all things the child needs to survive and thrive: food, shelter, warmth, caresses, a sense of identity, a sense of worth, of specialness. [. . .] Why wouldn't the presence of other siblings cast a shadow upon his life? [. . .] The mere existence of an additional child or children in the family could signify LESS. [. . .] And most frightening of all, the thought: 'if Mom and Dad are showing all that love and concern and enthusiasm for my brother and sister, maybe they're worth more than me. And if they are worth more, that must mean that I'm worth less. And if I am worth less , then I'm in serious trouble" (Faber and Mazlish, pp. xv-xvi).
Eventually, it dawned on me that the fighting I had seen between siblings had not always been caused by an evil older sibling's desire for entertainment. In many families, the bickering between siblings was driven by their mutual resentment of one another--that the other always got the limelight, the attention, the affection, the recognition and praise. And it wasn't always the older one who started it.
Many parents are guilty of seeing "sibling abuse" actions as "sibling rivalry" actions. They think that if one kid is teasing, belittling, or name-calling the other, then this behavior is automatically normal and both siblings somehow contributed to it. Neither of these assumptions is correct, and these parents need to learn that. I, on the other hand, was guilty of seeing "sibling rivalry" as "sibling abuse." I used to think that any aggression between siblings was started by the older sibling, and was carried out with the sole intention of inflicting harm on the other child. It was almost a relief to figure out I was wrong.
However, in many families, the fighting between siblings really is caused by one sibling being mean and the other fighting back. In these cases, parents should not shy away from laying the blame where it is due, and holding the bully accountable. Sibling abuse can exacerbate the fighting between siblings. It's not always true that "it doesn't matter who started it." When parents know when a child has crossed the line, they can more effectively discipline their children and better promote peace in their home.
Understanding what sibling rivalry is and isn't will help parents do just that.
It wasn't until I came across an article on the Internet that my rigidly-held belief started to crack. This piece, written for parents struggling with sibling issues, used the following question as one of its main headlines: "How can I tell the difference between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry?"
What?
Huh?
You mean there's a difference between fighting and abuse? No way. I don't believe you. Older siblings always start the fights. Always.
But as the very open-minded person I am, I started to question my thinking. I accepted the possibility that I could be wrong, and I began doing more research.
Eventually, I came across a book entitled Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. There is one passage in the first chapter that gives one of the best explanations I have ever seen about sibling rivalry:
"The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealousy is each child's deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents. Why this craving to be the one and only? Because from Mother and Father, that wondrous source, flow all things the child needs to survive and thrive: food, shelter, warmth, caresses, a sense of identity, a sense of worth, of specialness. [. . .] Why wouldn't the presence of other siblings cast a shadow upon his life? [. . .] The mere existence of an additional child or children in the family could signify LESS. [. . .] And most frightening of all, the thought: 'if Mom and Dad are showing all that love and concern and enthusiasm for my brother and sister, maybe they're worth more than me. And if they are worth more, that must mean that I'm worth less. And if I am worth less , then I'm in serious trouble" (Faber and Mazlish, pp. xv-xvi).
Eventually, it dawned on me that the fighting I had seen between siblings had not always been caused by an evil older sibling's desire for entertainment. In many families, the bickering between siblings was driven by their mutual resentment of one another--that the other always got the limelight, the attention, the affection, the recognition and praise. And it wasn't always the older one who started it.
Many parents are guilty of seeing "sibling abuse" actions as "sibling rivalry" actions. They think that if one kid is teasing, belittling, or name-calling the other, then this behavior is automatically normal and both siblings somehow contributed to it. Neither of these assumptions is correct, and these parents need to learn that. I, on the other hand, was guilty of seeing "sibling rivalry" as "sibling abuse." I used to think that any aggression between siblings was started by the older sibling, and was carried out with the sole intention of inflicting harm on the other child. It was almost a relief to figure out I was wrong.
However, in many families, the fighting between siblings really is caused by one sibling being mean and the other fighting back. In these cases, parents should not shy away from laying the blame where it is due, and holding the bully accountable. Sibling abuse can exacerbate the fighting between siblings. It's not always true that "it doesn't matter who started it." When parents know when a child has crossed the line, they can more effectively discipline their children and better promote peace in their home.
Understanding what sibling rivalry is and isn't will help parents do just that.
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