Another Way to Tell

So I recently had an insight...

Something one sibling abuse expert has said is that, when trying to determine if a sibling is being abusive, disregard the emotions. Separate the emotions from the behavior, and look at the behavior itself. 

That's sound advice.

But I think that where a lot of parents miss the signs of bullying is thinking that both kids are "equally contributing to it" because the victim child is fighting back. 

Something else parents should try is looking at the emotions. 

Often, in families where it looks like both kids are being mean to each other, you can still tell that one is the abuser and the other the abused. How? The abusive one is mainly doing what she's doing for fun. Is she smiling when she's insulting her brother? Is he laughing when he's teasing the other one? If you can see a smile on the child's face, then you've spotted the bully, whose motivation is power.

The abused, on the other hand, often does what she's doing out of anger. If there's a hurt tone of voice, if he doesn't look happy, then that's the victim. His motivation isn't power--it's revenge.  

Yes, disrespect should not be allowed. From either party. But I firmly believe we need to get real about the root cause. In many families, the disrespect can be traced back to one party in particular: the one who thinks it's fun to be mean. 

Don't just hold children equally accountable. Be honest about who's the main antagonist. Yes, victims should be taught to respond appropriately, but the burden does not fall on their shoulders. It is adult accountability that will really put an end to bullying (and consequently, the fighting), and this accountability needs to target the ones who are accountable. 

Three Types of Fights

In all my research on sibling rivalry, sibling abuse, and bullying, something that strikes me is just how much misinformation is out there. Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow. There are a couple of sayings and mentalities people hold on to with a death grip, never once thinking that there might be a better idea. Take, for example, "It takes two to tango." Even in situations where it is obvious, like painfully, undeniably obvious that a  bully is provoking a victim, many adult authorities blindly follow the belief to hold children equally accountable.  People: I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. You should  know that with children (especially with children), it's possible for one child to ridicule another for the fun of it. It is unreasonable to  expect the victim  to not respond.

And with siblings, it gets even trickier. Here, we're dealing with the whole "sibling rivalry is normal" belief, and with parents slapping the "sibling rivalry" label on every fight that goes on under their roof. Parents: It is not a given that every spat between siblings is normal and harmless.  And it is not the case that both children always equally contribute to the fights. "Fighting back" does not equate to "contributing." There is still one guilty party if one of the kids defends themselves.  How can you tell if there's a guilty party, or if what's going on is normal? It depends  on what type of fight you're dealing with.

In general, there are three types of fights:

Conflicts: These are the easiest to define: fighting over things. You can put a label on what they're fighting about. These fights are where your children can learn to "work it out themselves" through compromise. But these don't comprise all the fights siblings get into. If only it were that easy.

Rivalries: A little more difficult to spot. These are the power struggles, competitions and jealousies that often occur between siblings. Usually, both siblings are mad at each other. Fighting over the front seat of the car? That's a rivalry. They're both competing for power.

Bullying: In this situation, there is a guilty party, and the guilty party is very clear. The quickest way to spot something like this is if one sibling is smiling while the other is very angry. Even if the victim fights back, there is still one guilty party. Hold the guilty party accountable.

You may have noticed that Mrs. Next-door's kids always seem to resolve their conflicts just fine. Well, THAT'S GREAT for Mrs. Next-door--she got the lucky lotto win with kids whose personalities only bicker over easily solvable problems. Her family is not your family. There could very well be a different problem lurking on your side of the white picket fence.

In addition to fights being situation-specific, they are also family-specific. Some families are dealing with mainly "conflict"-type fights. Others are dealing with rivalries between two competitive personalities. And many families are dealing with bullying. Find out what's happening in your family. The right label will lead you to a better solution.

What is Sibling Rivalry?

In families with more than one child, sibling rivalry is to be expected. But what exactly is it? The one-word answer to that question is "fighting." Sibling rivalry is the competition, fighting, jealousy, and at times, hostility between siblings.

"Sibling rivalry" is the catch-all phrase that has been used in the past to describe any aggression whatsoever between siblings, including actions that have more recently been labeled as sibling abuse. This has misled many naive parents to believe that the sibling dynamics in their homes, whatever they may be, are inherently normal. Because sibling rivalry is normal, they think, if one sibling is teasing, belittling, or otherwise torturing the other, that is also normal. 

It's not, as this blog is here to tell you. 

But before I get into a deeper definition of sibling rivalry, let me tell you a little bit more about myself. When I was growing up, my older siblings constantly picked on me (for fun), and I saw the same thing happening in many of the families around me. To me, it always seemed so obvious: the reason siblings fought with each other was because the older one started it. In my mind "sibling rivalry" consisted of the older sibling being mean and the younger one fighting back. I never understood why parents didn't see this. 

It wasn't until I came across an article on the Internet that my rigidly-held belief started to crack. This piece, written for parents struggling with sibling issues, used the following question as one of its main headlines: "How can I tell the difference between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry?" 

What?

Huh?

You mean there's a difference between fighting and abuse? No way. I don't believe you. Older siblings always start the fights. Always. 

But as the very open-minded person I am, I started to question my thinking. I accepted the possibility that I could be wrong, and I began doing more research.  

Eventually, I came across a book entitled Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. There is one passage in the first chapter that gives one of the best explanations I have ever seen about sibling rivalry: 

"The experts in the field seem to agree that at the root of sibling jealousy is each child's deep desire for the exclusive love of his parents. Why this craving to be the one and only? Because from Mother and Father, that wondrous source, flow all things the child needs to survive and thrive: food, shelter, warmth, caresses, a sense of identity, a sense of worth, of specialness. [. . .] Why wouldn't the presence of other siblings cast a shadow upon his life? [. . .] The mere existence of an additional child or children in the family could signify LESS. [. . .] And most frightening of all, the thought: 'if Mom and Dad are showing all that love and concern and enthusiasm for my brother and sister, maybe they're worth more than me. And if they are worth more, that must mean that I'm worth less. And if I am worth less , then I'm in serious trouble" (Faber and Mazlish, pp. xv-xvi). 

Eventually, it dawned on me that the fighting I had seen between siblings had not always been caused by an evil older sibling's desire for entertainment. In many families, the bickering between siblings was driven by their mutual resentment of one another--that the other always got the limelight, the attention, the affection, the recognition and praise. And it wasn't always the older one who started it.

Many parents are guilty of seeing "sibling abuse" actions as "sibling rivalry" actions. They think that if one kid is teasing, belittling, or name-calling the other, then this behavior is automatically normal and both siblings somehow contributed to it. Neither of these assumptions is correct, and these parents need to learn that. I, on the other hand, was guilty of seeing "sibling rivalry" as "sibling abuse." I used to think that any aggression between siblings was started by the older sibling, and was carried out with the sole intention of inflicting harm on the other child. It was almost a relief to figure out I was wrong.

However, in many families, the fighting between siblings really is caused by one sibling being mean and the other fighting back. In these cases, parents should not shy away from laying the blame where it is due, and holding the bully accountable. Sibling abuse can exacerbate the fighting between siblings. It's not always true that "it doesn't matter who started it." When parents know when a child has crossed the line, they can more effectively discipline their children and better promote peace in their home.

Understanding what sibling rivalry is and isn't will help parents do just that.        


  

Reasons Why Sibling Abuse Has Not Received Attention

 If sibling abuse is such a big deal, and if it’s so common, how come you’ve never heard about it? I often ask myself the same question. It makes me furious that nobody has mentioned this issue before, because it’s so widespread. I have seen inappropriate, unacceptable mistreatment of one sibling by another in many families I’ve come across, and I’m not talking about sibling rivalry. I have seen incidents where one sibling is clearly abusing another, and nobody around them gives a damn. To date, I have never seen any news stories, magazine articles, or television talk show hosts discuss sibling abuse. What’s more, it’s only been thoroughly researched within the last decade. What gives? Why don’t people care? Well, I’ve come up with a few theories. There are several reasons why sibling abuse has not received the attention it deserves until now.

1. Children Don’t Have a Voice: Spokespeople are the reason behind any issue’s publicity. Just ask Sarah McLachlan, Animal Cruelty Spokesperson Extraordinaire. Children cannot make tear-jerking commercials for national television. They also can’t sign petitions, file lawsuits, press charges, write books, or tell their life stories on Oprah. Adults can, and are taken more seriously to boot. Children have close to no power, which renders them incapable of making others aware of their problems.

2. “Just Children”: Adults and children are held to different moral standards. Parent-child abuse has received a lot more attention than has sibling abuse for this reason. Often, people see a parent hitting a child as cruel, but a child hitting a sibling as harmless. The recent development of anti-bullying measures in schools is another testament to this fact. “Kids will be kids” was the reigning mentality a few decades ago, and still exists somewhat today. People will often think nothing of a sister calling her brother “Loser,” but will be horrified if they hear a parent saying the same to a child.  

3. Confusion with Sibling Rivalry: Siblings fight. This is a fact we have known for millennia. The problem is that normal sibling behavior involves many of the same actions as sibling abuse. Sibling rivalry throws a wrench into sibling abuse prevention. Other social justice issues are simpler. Equality for homosexuals often involves showing up to the voting booth and checking off the right box. Ending sibling abuse calls for far more than just a “yes” or “no” on a ballot.  It is a complex issue that requires distinguishing between it and normal sibling behavior. Unfortunately, we love simple issues. When issues get complicated, we tend to not give them much attention.

4. Out of Sight, Out of Mind:  While I have certainly seen a fair amount of emotional abuse taking place in broad daylight, many of the more severe forms of abuse take place behind closed doors. Because we don't see physical or sexual abuse, it's easy to ignore them.  

5. “Oldest Children Are Better”:  Ah, here’s something that will bring any lastborn child’s blood to the boiling point. This is what I like to call the Birth Order Bias. This belief may be unfamiliar to some of you, but don’t worry; I’ll talk about it in depth later. For now, just be aware that there is a firmly held belief in many cultures that firstborn children are “better” than lastborn children. For younger siblings who have been abused, this bias carries a particular sting. Sibling abuse is often carried out older sibling to younger sibling. Admitting the existence of sibling abuse runs counter to this belief. If we were to recognize sibling abuse, it would mean giving up the firmly held belief that eldest children are better, and we can’t have that.

6. More Pressure for Parents: To admit that sibling abuse is a serious issue would mean increasing the burden for parents. It can be overwhelming for parents to think that they are responsible for ending the bullying they see in their homes. It's far easier to deny that the emotional abuse has any impact. The more children one has, the harder it is to prevent abuse. This factor was especially true when the average family size was three children.  

What is Sibling Abuse?

So now that I've got this blog rolling, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty issue: what exactly is sibling abuse? Researchers disagree on an exact definition, but it can be broadly defined as the “physical, emotional, or sexual abuse of one sibling by another.”[1] But how, exactly, can we put this definition into practice?

We can all agree that there is no excuse for physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is not as clear-cut. Parents know that it can be hard at times to ascertain which sibling is being picked on and which is doing the picking. Being able to define sibling abuse requires an ability to distinguish abuse from rivalry.  Different researchers have come up with different strategies for making this distinction. Doctor Vernon Wiehe, a professor of social work at the University of Kentucky, is a prominent researcher of sibling abuse and has developed a system for ascertaining if a situation is abusive. His method is available here. He has some intriguing theories as to why siblings become abusive and what parents can do to prevent abuse.

Systems such as Wiehe's can be a bit complicated and hard to follow. So I have developed my own system for ascertaining if a situation is abusive. I call it: Four Red Flags of Sibling Abuse
Here’s a breakdown:

• Their roles are rigid. One sibling is always the victim; the other is always the aggressor. [2]
• One sibling is frightened of the other
• The aggressor's main objective is to get a thrill from the behavior (rather than to retaliate, express a frustration, compete, etc.)
• One sibling consistently attacks with no provocation

If parents notice one or all of these signs, they are dealing with sibling abuse. Once they have found out about it, they must do everything in their power to stop it. This means educating themselves, finding resources, and practicing different methods until they have successfully eradicated bullying from their homes. I hope my blog will point them in the right direction.  

              

  

                

                

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[1] Frazier BH, Hayes KC. Selected Resources on Sibling Abuse: An Annotated Bibliography For Researchers, Educators and Consumers. SRB 94 – 08 Special Reference Briefs. 1994. Formerly available at URL: http://www.cyfernet.org/research/sibabuse.html. Accessed 23 May 2008.

[2] Boyse, Kyla, RN. "University of Michigan Health System." Sibling Abuse: Your Child:. N.p., Nov. 2012. Web. 01 Feb. 2013.