Multi-Faceted Healing Approach

One of the most unhelpful things I did in trying to heal was going to therapy.

I'm serious. Therapy did way more harm than good. 

There are several reasons why this was the case, and I won't go into them all. In general, though, I felt like my therapist's approach was not empowering, but blaming and shaming. He did not validate my feelings, but dismissed them. That is not therapy. And if a therapist out there reading this disagrees, then I say that should not be therapy. One of the purposes of therapy should be to make you feel better. If it's not making you feel better, but worse, why go?  

What I learned from my terrible therapist is that we are in charge of our own healing. We shouldn't be looking to some sort of outside source to make us feel better. We need to do that ourselves.

....But how do we do that?

There is no one way to heal our wounds. There are actually many, many ways to do that. In fact, healing most likely involves three or four or five or more different methods. And if you strongly feel that therapy is one of them for you, by all means, do that. Here is a list of ideas we can use for healing: 

1. Therapy - Yes, I put this first. Not because I agree with it, but because this is often the first one that comes to mind. I encourage you to try out therapy, but if you don't like your therapist, or if you don't think it's working, run out of that office as fast as you can. Don't waste your time with an idiot or an asshole. 

2. Friends - One of the most helpful things for me was expressing my feelings to an empathetic listener, a.k.a. my friend. If you have a friend in your life who is a really good listener, take full advantage of it. Getting your feelings out and having them validated helps TREMENDOUSLY in trying to heal your shit. This will take some courage from you and some vulnerability, but if you have a truly supportive friend in your life, it will be worth it. 

3. Creative Outlet - Writing. Drawing. Dancing. Music. Creativity is a method many people use to soothe their souls. If you are a creative person yourself, creating works of art can be a helpful way to get your feelings out. 

4. Physical Activity - If it doesn't accomplish anything else, physical activity at least gets you doing something, instead of just bouncing your hurt feelings inside your head. It's a great way to physically release the pent-up anger inside you. This is my go-to method when my own demons attack. 

5. Truth - Speak your truth to the people who need to hear it. Your parents who didn't protect you, your siblings who abused you, and other adult figures in your life who egged on the abuse, or at least didn't encourage it to stop. This is very scary, and may take weeks, months, years of preparation. But if you do it, even if it doesn't accomplish anything else, at least they've heard your side of the story. And that matters a lot. 

6. Punishment - There are many ways to punish a wrongdoer. I've mentioned before about how I'm not against giving the abusers a taste of their own medicine. There are other ways to punish them as well. Cutting them out of your life is one method. Do it temporarily or permanently. Send them a signal that you're holding them accountable for what they did. There will be consequences for this, yes, but I found that those consequences were worth the price of healing myself.

7. Forgiveness - I know you hate this word. And I still feel strongly that you should only forgive once you're ready to forgive. But if you reach a place (like I did) where you're like...."O.K. I might be ready to try experimenting with this whole 'letting go' thing," do it. It feels great. And I need to give you the standard "forgiveness lecture" (I'm sorry): Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what they did was right. It just means giving yourself a break, and not letting their toxicity damage you anymore. 

6. Let the World Punish Them - I saved this one for last, because it's the one you have no control over. I'm just putting it in here as something to keep in mind. In a few families, I noticed that the abusive sibling sort of had the world punish them. In one family I know of, a bully older sister saw the error of her ways when she moved to one of the meanest cities in America. Being around the constant hostility served her a great big piece of humble pie....and she was never mean again. There are many, many ways the world will humble us. And as big kids grow into adults, a lot of them receive this humbling. Just keep in mind that sometimes, things have a way of working themselves out, and all you have to do is sit back and watch (and enjoy). 

So those are just a few things to keep in mind, wherever you are in your journey. In general, do what feels right to you. You are the captain of your ship. And in time, you'll find healing.

Letting Go

I'm about to write a post I never would have even considered writing three years ago. But here goes.

One of the most painful, horrible, unbearable parts of dealing with the aftermath of sibling abuse is carrying around the all-consuming rage that burns in your soul and permeates through every aspect of your being. Where does this rage come from? The simple answer is that is stems from years of having been tortured and traumatized by siblings. But it's actually an agglomeration of things. My rage was a combination of the anger, resentment, frustration, helplessness, humiliation and indignation inflicted upon me after countless encounters of my siblings abusing me and my parents dismissing and neglecting me.

I could never give you a full picture of what I went through. All I can do is convey the following snapshot: I spent many, many nights in my room doing various activities to "work through" my anger, like screaming into pillows, biting things, punching things, clenching my teeth, tearing things into bits. Anything to release a valve on the pent-up energy constantly threatening to explode somewhere, anywhere. I cried many times, too. I felt helpless and alone and constantly found myself thinking that I desperately needed help. But help was nowhere to be found. Nearly every day, I would walk around in an angry cloud, appearing normal on the outside, but feeling the rage underneath the surface, threatening to boil over.

I'd heard about "forgiveness"--pardoning someone for what they've done wrong. But that idea never seemed right to me. How can I look at the evidence, the piles upon piles of mental testimony I've collected, and say that the aggressor is..."forgiven?" How is that a good thing? Isn't that just enabling?

Well, I haven't reached a final answer to that question. I don't know if I'll ever truly "forgive." But I have dealt more and more with something I'm calling "letting go."

Letting go means taking the anger stored inside you, and....letting go of it. It means telling yourself, "I have decided to release my anger. I am no longer going to carry it with me. It has burned a hole in my heart, and I no longer welcome it. It doesn't have a home inside me anymore."

But wait a minute! Isn't that repression?

Not quite. Repression is denying your feelings. Letting go is acknowledging your feelings, and then releasing them. It is, in a way, moving on. It is staying in the present and absorbing all the energy from the present moment, rather than letting past energy consume you.

And it deals with yourself, and yourself only. Not the other person who hurt you. They don't even have to know you've "moved on" or "let go." The sibling I'm thinking about--the one I cut out of my life--has no idea I'm writing this post, or that I'm in the process of letting go, or anything like that.

Letting go is a process I struggle with. Even just now, I had an anger episode when I started thinking about my family. But whenever I do manage to "let go," it is the best gift I can give myself. I feel so at peace that day, after I've let go of my anger. I feel in control, and not taken down by my resentment.

And one more thing. Letting go does not mean no longer fighting for justice. It is okay to do the things you feel you must do to hold the guilty party (or parties) accountable (i.e., the aforementioned sibling who is still cut out of my life). Letting go does not make you weak. It puts you at peace, grants you control over your life, and makes you emotionally and physically healthier.

So try to let go today.

When Demons Attack

It happened again the other night. I was lying in bed, minding my own business and trying to fall asleep when my demons attacked me. You've all experienced this before. But if you haven't, let me explain how it happens. 

You'll be quietly minding your own business, trying to live your life and get on with your day when a surge of raging anger overtakes you. This anger is usually brought on by a memory or memories of having been infuriated by something, usually an injustice or a time you felt particularly helpless. If you experienced sibling abuse, then this happens to you quite a bit. Actually, anger and agitation used to be my daily emotional state--even after my teenage years. 

This anger is a force that makes you want to strangle something. In fact, this anger is so powerful that physical reactions often result. You'll feel your pulse quicken, you'll grit your teeth, clench your fists, and try to hit something--anything--so you can open even the tiniest of valves on the pent-up emotions threatening to fry up your body. 

Well readers, demons have been my long-time companions. Over the years (oh yes, years) that I've been battling them, I think I have a good system for how to return to calm whenever they invade. Of course, the long-term work we're all doing to try to find some semblance of closure regarding the abuse we were victims of will be the ultimate defeat of our demons, but here are some tips to use for in the moment. 

I followed the below steps the other night and (if you'll allow me to plant a spoiler in here), I ended up feeling better. I call them my Six Steps For Fighting Demons  

1. Dance to music--The physical release of dancing to music is just what your body needs to work off the pent-up rage. But don't listen to depressing music. That's a bad idea. Listen to something with a beat to it, and something that will take your mind off your feelings. The energy of the music will soothe your body, and the lyrics will soothe your emotions by distracting them. This step took me about an hour.

2. Fool around on the internet--Once I feel like I've sufficiently calmed down, I'll go on the internet and look up something funny. Laughter is one of the best cures to debilitating depression and anger. If you don't have a favorite YouTube video yet, I recommend "how animals eat" or "the count censored." Both are hysterical and will quickly put you in a good mood.

3. Secret weapons--I have a few go-to books and exercises that I call my "secret weapons." I love the book Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and there are a few passages in there that I re-read when I'm blue. Some of you might have other books that you like to read, like The Bible or something else that you know will always cheer you up. I also do deep breathing exercises, which help calm me down.

4. Phone a friend--Maybe not right that second, but later when you feel like you can utter coherent thoughts about how you're feeling, talk to a friend about your problems. Even if you don't tell them about the very worst thoughts and emotions you were feeling, just having a sympathetic ear to listen to the problems you do feel comfortable sharing can work wonders. Friends can also be a distraction. One night I was in a particularly bad demons-y mood, and I had plans to attend a social function. Every part of me was telling me to skip it, and just spend time alone. But I knew deep down that attending the event would distract me from my problems. I went, and I was right. I felt better in an hour. It probably would have taken me all night to feel better had I just spent the evening alone.

5. Don't think about it--Finally, when you've gotten rid of all the bad energy, make yourself not think about it. Channel positive thoughts instead, and remember times when you were happy.

6. End on a good note--It's good to end demons battles with something empowering or inspiring. I usually think back to how much I've changed over the past years, and how far I've already come with my personal war on sibling abuse. Keep your head up, have faith, and know that most likely, you're going to be fine in the end.

The next morning, I went to work early and even though I had had only about four hours of fitful, restless sleep, I had a good day. I felt energetic, I talked to my coworkers, and I spent my break basking in the sunshine outside. I had almost completely forgotten about my anger episode the previous night.

I hope this routine will also help you keep your demons at bay. And hopefully one day they'll leave us altogether.

What Has Helped Me Thus Far

For a long time now, I've struggled with an off-and-on depression and anger that continuously gnaws at me. I attribute this anger and depression partly to the abuse I experienced at the hands of my siblings and partly to the helplessness brought on by my parents' failure to protect me. Sometimes I feel resentful at the resentment itself because it took away a lot of the good parts of my life. I entered my late adolescence and young adulthood not as a joyous, carefree young person, but as a very angry and closed off woman who spent a lot of time being angry at the world, walking around wanting to kill someone. 

Sometimes I would ask myself if this angry cloud would ever lift and I would see the sun again. Because every once in a while I would ask myself, "What if I feel like this for the rest of my life? Will I just be this angry for good?" 

I'm finding more and more that the answer is no. 

Within the past few months, I've noticed some changes within me. I don't feel angry as frequently anymore. And while there are still times when I lock myself in my room and beat the shit out of my mattress, those times don't happen as often as they used to. I was thinking about this recently and asking myself why this is. So I sat down and thought about it and came up with a list of reasons why.

This is what I think has helped me:

Time and Distance: Just getting away from my siblings for a while helped to clear some smoke out of the skies. I'd heard that "time heals all wounds" and I didn't want to believe it, because I thought that nothing as simple as "time" should be allowed to pardon my siblings. But the thing is. . .it did. And I'm glad that it did. Distance as well. I think that distance even more so than time can help heal wounds. Moving out of the house and limiting my contact with my siblings erased some of the painful memories. Distance can also be emotional as well as geographical. I cut off relationships with the two guilty siblings and that was a signal to them that I was punishing them for what they did. 

Expressing my feelings--but not to the guilty parties--was also a big help. In my teen years I wasted my time with a dumbass therapist who told me that all I needed to do was stand up for myself and that would be it. I would make my siblings treat me respectfully and I would no longer be in pain. Bullshit. Looking back, I can see now that I shouldn't have pressured myself so much about "standing up" to the oppressors, because it wouldn't have done anything. But what would have helped me would have been talking to supportive people (not my therapist) about how I was feeling. Whenever my friends sympathetically listened to me and offered support and encouragement, I felt at least ten times lighter. I know someone who also went through a difficult time as a child, and she told me one of the most helpful things she did was just getting all her feelings out, and talking about it. 

Learning about others' experiences: When I heard others' stories about dealing with abusive siblings and parents who were no help, this also helped to lighten my load. Not in a Schadenfraude type of way, but in an "I'm not alone" type of way. Witnessing many different types of people who have gone through these experiences, I learned that I was not to blame for what happened. I also learned that other people were also shouldering big emotional burdens, and this perspective helped to lighten my load in a weird way. 

Empowering myself: Something that I have noticed over and over again: my anger goes away when my helplessness goes away. Whenever I was able to do something that put power back in my own hands, I felt a lot better. This isn't always possible, but when you can find something you can control, take advantage of it. For me, empowering myself meant accepting the fact that my parents and I weren't going to see eye-to-eye about me attending my sibling's wedding, and not to waste time getting angry over them. It meant trusting my own common sense and judgment when I heard an adult using the "it takes two to tango" line in a situation that very clearly involved a guilty party. It meant many different things to me, and I encourage you to find what empowering yourself means to you. 

Fighting back: The few times I did it, I did think that giving my siblings a taste of their own medicine was helpful to me. It reaffirmed that what they did was unacceptable when I saw their reactions. It got rid of some of my anger. And it educated them on why I was mad at them. You can choose whether or not you want to do this. Some mental health experts would say not to. But in my opinion, giving bullies a taste of their own medicine is not necessarily a bad idea.

This blog: Writing a blog is a unique experience. When I kept a diary and recorded my thoughts there, it didn't help me because I felt like I was internalizing my feelings even more. But with a blog I get to write my thoughts publicly, and share them with other people who have had similar experiences. I get to give an issue a public voice, and hopefully educate people a little bit more about this issue. I get to get a conversation going. I get to offer others a chance to share their own personal stories if they desire. This blog has been empowering and has been a public track record of my growth through dealing with this horrible trauma. And I hope learning about my experiences has been empowering for you as well.

I also would like to share with you some things that don't help, and they are:
-anything that makes you feel more helpless
-invalidation (from friends who judge your feelings)
-not expressing your feelings; keeping everything inside

I hope that in time, you will find peace and get rid of the horrible monsters still plaguing you. You deserve to be happy, and I can tell you that in time you will also find the clouds are lifting. 

My Story

To date, I have not yet shared my personal experience with you. A few snippets of "my story" have appeared in some of my other posts, but none of them have fully covered everything I went through. So brace yourself as I tell you all about how sibling abuse has affected me. (Fair warning: some of the following incidents may be triggering to some of you. I won't mind if you skip my story altogether and post your own in the comments below.)

So here goes. (deep breath)

I must first give you some family background. It is important to know that I come from a very large family. While I won't reveal the exact number, I will tell you that we're not quite Duggar-status, but we're enough to turn heads in public places. I am also not the very youngest child in my family, but I was still bullied by my two older siblings. They teased, taunted and tortured me with no mercy. The abuse was never physical or sexual in nature, but that doesn't mean it didn't traumatize me. To this day, I still feel angry whenever I remember what they did. 

After about a year of researching sibling abuse and bullying in general, I have come up with a couple of theories as to why it happened. One of the most important factors in my case was the fact that my parents were uninvolved. If you have not yet read my previous post on uninvolved parenting, I'll give you a brief synopsis of what it is. Parents who are uninvolved are parents who are essentially neglecting their children. They provide little supervision, interest, or involvement in their children's lives, and may not even adequately fulfill their children's needs. This was my family in a nutshell. 

My mother was constantly praised for parenting such a large family, and the other mothers would ask her in amazement how she "did it all." The fact was, she didn't do it all. She didn't even try to do it all. When I think back to my childhood, I think my mother thought that because it was impossible to give all of us the attention we needed, she didn't even have to try. Having a big family, to her, was an excuse to not try. And this lack of trying often meant neglect.

At my elementary school, we would gather outside in the courtyard every day for morning announcements before shuffling off to our classrooms. I remember being in second grade and freezing my ass off--because my mother never made sure I had a jacket on. I don't think I even had a jacket. I remember having a jacket at one point, a purple windbreaker, which was new (rare in my family), and which I wore religiously while it was still in my possession. But I lost it once, and my mom never found me a new one.

My clothes were all hand-me-downs (I honestly think that purple windbreaker was the single new piece of clothing I owned until at least middle school) and didn't fit me. I remember thinking, even as a young child, "When I grow up, my kids are going to have clothes that fit!" I was in high school before I had clothes that fit me. I went up to my mom one day early in my freshman year and told her, "Mom, all of my jeans are from fifth grade, we need to go shopping now." And we went. I still remember how good it felt, trying on pants in the store's dressing room. I was thinking to myself, "clothes that fit! Clothes that fit!" I was ecstatic.

Research has shown that my parents' style of uninvolvement will yield sibling emotional abuse in families. I believe that is exactly what caused the bullying in mine. Looking back, I think my two older sisters felt very insecure and dealt with these insecurities by taking them out on me (and later on, on my next younger siblings). One of my older sisters jumped at every opportunity to embarrass me. I was at a church potluck one day, and she, my mother and I were in line serving our plates. She gets to the beans, looks back at me, and says pretty loudly--and right in front of my mother--"Sybil, don't take any beans. They always make you fart." 

What did my mother say to this? Well first, she LAUGHED and then said, "Oh, guess who shares a room!" to the onlookers. This was a common theme with my parents: they never protected me, and never held the abusers accountable. If anything, they contributed to the bullying. Laughing about it was one of their favorite responses. (As well as saying "Stop fighting!" if I tried to stand up for myself.) 

As for my other older sibling, she was a different nutcase altogether. She was the very oldest in the family, and in addition to being mean, she was extremely self-centered. She knew how to get her way by forcefully bludgeoning others into bowing to her will. She twisted others into giving her what she wanted by using manipulation, humiliation and intimidation. Towards my teen years, I really started cutting her out of my life, and by the time I was in high school I hardly spoke to her at all. That didn't stop her from being mean to my younger siblings. 

Alex, one of my younger siblings, failed her driver's test the first time, and scheduled her next one a few months later. Alex's 17th birthday fell over winter break, when my oldest sister was home, and birthday traditions in our family always require an "interview session" of what has happened during the prior year in front of a camera. During her little interview, Alex said something along the lines of, "I'm taking my driver's test soon..." and then my oldest sibling interrupted and said, in her snarky way, "are you taking it or are you re-taking it?" I wanted to throttle her. 

All of this bullying affected me horribly in many different ways. The most horrible effect, I think, was the emotional damage inflicted upon me. In my teen years (which are never easy), I experienced the worst depression I believe I will ever experience in my life. It started when I was almost fifteen and continued until I was about nineteen, and was nothing short of awful. No, "awful" is not a strong enough word. To give you an impression of just how truly miserable those years were, let me tell you this: I calculated (okay, Googled) the hours there are in 3.5 years. It's about 30,681 hours. For me, that was 30,681 hours of either crying or holding back tears. I am not exaggerating. I think I cried myself to sleep almost every single night. 

And when the depression was over, the anger began. For about three years after the three awful years of depression, I walked around feeling very, very angry. Like wanting to kill people angry. I would clench my fists and bite the inside of my lips. I wanted to yell and scream at everyone, especially the people who abused me and the parents who didn't protect me.    

As I grew up, I really wanted to give my siblings a taste of their own medicine. And I did, just a little bit. My second oldest sister once made fun of me one Easter because of how I was wearing my hair. She said it made me look like a hooker. So, a few years later, when I caught her wearing her hair the same way, I went up to her and told her the exact same thing. "I love your hooker hair," I said. She looked at me sort of funny, and said, "This isn't hooker hair, it's just normal hair." I looked back at her and said, "Oh really? Because you thought mine was hooker hair whenever I wore my hair like that." It ended there, and I never again felt a pang of shame or anger when I wore that hairstyle. 

Another time, my oldest sister was making fun of the way my mom was driving (my mom is known for being a bit of a speed demon). Just a few days later, this same sister was driving equally badly, and I went up to her and said it to her face. "You're just as bad as Mom," I told her simply. It was as if I had slapped her. "What?!" she shouted. She looked extremely offended. "I'm better than you are!" she shouted at my retreating back as I walked away from her. This was further proof to me that my siblings really had crossed the line with their teasing, and my hatred of them was not just "super-sensitivity." I didn't even say anything that mean to you! I thought to myself, And you're blowing up at me! 

There were other problems that contributed to the abuse too, like my parents being in denial. Years later, in therapy, my father would admit, "You know, I've seen it, I've excused it, I've thought 'oh you know, a big family,' but no, no more." I felt a mixture of emotions after hearing that. I was glad my parents finally admitted that something was wrong. I was a little bit surprised to find out that they had known there was a problem. In my naive, childish mind I had thought that if my parents weren't saying anything about it, they didn't know it was going on. I felt validated. I knew that I wasn't going crazy after all, that other people had noticed there was a problem too. And I felt disappointed. All this time you knew there was a problem, and you didn't say anything about it, I thought to myself.

Today, I am picking up the pieces. My second oldest sister and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship. She apologized a few years ago, and has shown true remorse for what she did. Once on Facebook, Alex posted a selfie with the same hairstyle that my second oldest sister had made fun of me for. This sister wrote in a reply, "Alex, can you guess what that hairstyle has written all over it? _O_K_R!" In a comment below that, she posted, "Looker! (Not 'hooker!')." That's what's made me happy about that sibling. She has found different ways to apologize. 

My oldest sibling is a different story. She apologized...ish. But her actions never matched her words. Even after "apologizing," she continued to bully my siblings. I eventually decided that enough was enough. She has been unfriended and blocked on my Facebook for over a year, and I no longer speak to her. She will be getting married soon, and I have already told both her and my parents that I am not going to the wedding. I told her recently that I no longer trust her or love her, and that years of having been abused by her has made her lose a relationship with me. 

I started this blog in January of 2013 because I felt like this topic was in serious need of discussion. Many, many children are suffering at the hands of their brothers and sisters, and many, many parents are not doing a thing about it. I hope that in sharing my story I can shed some light on this issue and inspire you to share yours.

So what's your story? What has brought you to War on Sibling Abuse? Please comment below... 
          
  

Dealing with Your Anger

For the past six years, I have been angry all the time. Every day, I've walked around with a black cloud over my head, my heart pounding, my teeth gritted and my hands clenched in fists. For those of you dealing with the aftermath of sibling abuse (or currently living through it), you are well acquainted with this sensation. Resentment is the shadow stubbornly stuck to the side of any sibling abuse survivor. And it feels like no matter what, you can't get rid of it. 

Even when life was going well, my anger was always bubbling underneath the surface. I was a volcano who was going to explode at any moment. In the company of great friends, I was angry. Seeing a long-awaited movie in the theaters, I was angry. Catching a glimpse of my crush across the hall, I was angry. Eating great food, finding the perfect shirt in the mall, watching the sunset on the beach, hearing my favorite song coming on the radio, during all of those events, I was angry. 

My resentment came from lots of things--being picked on by my siblings, not being protected by my parents, not being allowed to stand up for myself, and all of the other injustices, disappointments and heartbreaks that happened in my family. 

I found that even when I left the nest, my anger came with me. I couldn't let it go. At least when you're at home, your anger can serve a purpose. It is a natural reaction to those who abuse you, and can serve to protect you when the need arises. But when you've left those people behind, there's no longer a reason to be as angry as you were. But no matter how frequently I told myself that, my anger stayed with me. 

I'd consulted many sources of wisdom, from Buddha to Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat,Pray, Love) on dealing with resentment. Each one of them said basically the same thing: holding on to anger was not healthy, and it was best to "just let it go." 

Okay, I'd think to myself whenever I read something about "letting anger go," but it's not that easy. How do I "let it go" without doing what I've been doing my entire life: repressing my feelings and making myself even angrier?

It turns out there's an exact art and science to it.

I've tried many different ways to let myself be happier and put my anger aside. Here's what has worked and what hasn't.

It's not about repressing your feelings. 
If you're doing it right, putting your anger aside shouldn't involve repression. The first time I tried to conquer my demons was a near catastrophe. It was a school field trip, and I was with my classmates, walking around a city, listening to a boring speaker drone on about historical facts I didn't care about. Demons are often triggered by frustrating events (at least I've noticed that for me), and what was frustrating me was the fact that we were standing in the freezing cold rain, bracing ourselves from the wind, and listening to a lady who just wouldn't shut up. It's like she didn't even notice the weather, because she happily stood there for about fifteen minutes yammering on about something I couldn't even hear over the noise of the wind and road. 

Resentment is when an emotion like anger is attached to an old memory. When something in your current life makes you feel frustrated, memories attached to frustration can surface, making you more frustrated. So that moment, when my emotions came bubbling up to the surface, I thought if I just told myself, "don't be angry," everything would be all right. Big mistake.

As had always happened in previous years whenever I tried to stuff my feelings down, I ended up getting angrier. For the rest of the tour, I was boiling inside, about to explode. "THIS 'LET IT GO' STUFF DOESN'T WORK!" I was screaming to myself in my head, "I think I'd rather be angry." Actually, typing this makes me angry. Phew, I need to calm down. Hold on a sec.

Ok, I'm back.

As I was saying, freeing yourself from your anger shouldn't involve repressing your feelings. It involves different formula.

It's about redirecting your thoughts.
When I observed my own thought processes, I began to notice that there were many triggers for my anger, not just frustration. Being the introvert that I am, I frequently get lost in my thoughts. When I'm just standing around, thinking, my thoughts turn to all my old memories of having been in situations where I was hurt and powerless. And then I get angry.

When I get lost in my thoughts, my mind begins churning up things my parents and siblings have done and said to me. It's like my brain thrives on anger, and will not work unless fury is churning around in it. 

What I decided to do instead of saying no to the angry feelings, was to say no to the images attached to the feelings. For example, instead of saying, "I will not be angry," to myself in the middle of a frustrating event, I would tell myself, "I will not think about the event that is making me angry." I would tell myself, "I will not think about the siblings who tortured me, the parents who didn't do their job, or the place where the event occurred." This new method helped a lot. 

Additionally, I would redirect my mind to think of positive things. I would think of things that had gone well recently, like a compliment I had received, or some good food I'd eaten, or a new friend I'd made. Focusing on the good events and throwing away the bad ones gave me a greater sense of control over my life. And a part of me really liked that. The fact that I could make myself happier while respecting my anger was the key.

Your anger will still be respected.
The reason why I had resisted "turning off" my anger for so long was because I felt like it would have been treating my anger disrespectfully. If you're like me, then you probably think as I do, that you have a right to be angry. And you do! Anger is a natural and healthy response to what has happened to you. It's not wrong. When someone has treated you badly, it would be foolish to not be angry. 

But when you're out and about, living your life, letting your anger consume you is also unwise. It is far, far better to tell your angry thoughts, "Okay, I hear you, I know how you feel, and right now I'm going to give you a break and focus on the good things in my life." Your anger is still there, and it still has its place, but that place is not interfering with the life you're currently living. 

And when it's time to use your anger, you can choose to let it out. Use your anger productively, and tell your parents and siblings about how they have hurt you. This will be another post entirely, but using anger in that fashion is also a good way to respect your feelings.

Finally, it is important to remember that deciding to be happy does not make you weak. In fact, releasing anger's grip on you is one of the strongest things you can do. Happiness is not for ninnies. Happiness is a goal for all of us who are striving to live well. And living well is the best revenge.   



      

Unleash the Beast

I always thought anger was a bad thing.

We are not allowed to express anger. In our daily interactions, we must wear a fake, pleasant smile no matter how we really feel. We are taught that if we ever do "snap," we are horrible people. We have turned into monsters who cannot control our base instincts. Anger is a beast that must be locked up and never let out. If you've ever struggled with demons, you know that anger doesn't like this. The beast rebels inside of you, kicking and scratching at the cage you've made for it. In your attempts to be A Good Person, you must fight back harder, ensuring the monster never sees the light of day. This is quite possibly the worst thing we can do.

Here's something I learned the hard way: Repression often makes anger worse. Suppressing one's feelings never makes them go away. Nursing your demons ensures that the beast will grow larger inside of you. When people do not express their angry feelings, they will turn their anger inward. This will lead to depression, physical ailments, and self-destructive behavior. People who bottle up their anger will often turn to self-medication like drugs and alcohol. They may experience physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, insomnia, and heart palpitations. To get rid of your anger, do the exact opposite of repressing it--express it! Unleash the beast. 

After years and years of controlling my anger, I finally realized the healing power of expressing my feelings one day when I decided to beat my mattress to a pulp. I had been really angry just before, and decided to really go for it. After 15 minutes of pounding, I stood up, took a breath . . . and felt a sense of release. It was unlike anything I had ever felt after a rage attack. I felt a little bit lighter--much lighter than I usually do. Usually I just feel dead. 

Some research and experimenting made me find other methods for expressing anger. Destroying things is a great way to release negative energy. Break old dishes. Throw them against the wall. Shred old phone books or newspapers. If you have a picture of your abuser, take it, scribble away on it, and tear it up. This was especially powerful for me. I once drew on and cut up a picture of my abuser, and made sure to scribble her face out as hard as I could. When I saw the pieces lying on the floor, I thought to myself, "Wow. This is how much I hate her. This is a visual representation of my rage toward my sibling." Seeing my anger in visual form helped make my feelings more real. Before, I had been shoving them aside. Now they were demanding I take them seriously.

Vocalize your feelings. Find a safe place to scream, or scream into your pillow. Think of phrases you want to say to your abuser now that you could not say back then: "I hate what you've done to me! I hate you! I hate how much you've hurt me!" One day, when I was alone in the house (I went through every room to make sure), I found myself screaming my feelings to the air. I imagined my sibling was standing right in front of me, and found myself screaming over and over again, "You fucker!!! You fucker!!! You fucker!!!" It felt good.

During these vocalizations, it can be helpful to fantasize revenge. I once read about a woman who was sexually abused by her father. This woman would often imagine herself walking into her parents' living room, shotgun in hand, and shooting her father's testicles off. I myself like to imagine beating my abuser to a pulp. 

For victims of emotional abuse, actual revenge is often possible. In an emotionally abusive sibling relationship, the abused sibling often grows up and abuses their abuser. I am not at all opposed to this tactic. In fact, I've seen it be quite effective. This is often a great way for the abused sibling to exorcise their demons. The abuser also gets what they deserve. It is often only a taste of their own medicine that will truly do the trick. It is also a good way to give the abuser consequences. It's a good way to show them that their actions will not be excused. 

Of course, for victims of physical or sexual abuse, revenge is not a good idea. You don't want to end up in jail. Some victims of severe abuse find retribution through either criminal or civil court. Other victims find revenge through igniting social change by speaking out against abuse or by advocating for victims' rights in the legal system. 

Another tactic is to write, but not send, a letter to all the people responsible for abusing you or failing to protect you. Be as harsh as you want to be. Let them hear you roar. Tell them how they've hurt you and how they failed you. Let them know all your feelings. Don't stop writing until you've said all you want to say. It might be even more helpful to read this letter aloud, as if you are speaking to the person you're writing to.

Another tool to use is the art of telling. Talk to a friend who will sympathetically listen to your stories of abuse. I remember how good it felt the first time I opened up to a friend about my messed-up family life, and she responded to my woes with, "That sounds very infuriating!" Such validation gives an emotional "hug" to the wounded parts of your soul. It is very, very important that your hurt feelings be treated respectfully. Don't waste time with a dismisser or a victim blamer. Keep sharing your pain with others until you find someone who is supportive. 

The most important thing to know about anger is that it should not be denied. Anger is not a feeling to be ashamed of. It needs to be acknowledged, worked through and respected. Anger will not disappear by being dismissed. Take ownership of it. Confront your anger head-on. Work through it day by day and see what happens. 

It's important to think of this as a process. I've noticed that angry people are often advised to "just let go" of their feelings. It doesn't happen like that. The feelings must be worked through first. You cannot force yourself to forgive before you're ready. If you do, you're likely living in denial.

Anger is not bad. For the healing process, it's actually very good. When you express your feelings, you can turn your demons into your allies, and have them help you heal.  

Demons

I was on my morning jog when they attacked me again. Maybe you’ve also experienced them. These annoying year-round pests come over uninvited, grab hold of your memories and emotions and insist on staying there. I call them my demons. The disease works in the following way:

You’ll be going along, minding your own business, when WHAM! a terrible memory from the past enters your mind. It usually comes when you’re working on something frustrating, but they can show up at any time. After they appear, they go through the Rolodex of your memories, pick the ones that carry the worst emotions, and play them on the IMAX screen in your brain. Then you are forced to relive this memory as well as the rage, pain, and frustration that is associated with it. And no matter how hard you try, you can’t shake them off. They have a death grip on you, and you are forced to submit to them. These little gremlins don’t just know how to hold your mind hostage; they also do it in the worst possible way. They like to pick incidents of particular injustice where you were powerless, when you didn’t fight back, when you were abused. They revel in your sense of despair and anger. You hate them. You have not figured out how to get rid of them. Usually they stay for a while and then disappear, but they always come back. Like the ants in your bathroom. You’re starting to feel like they’re a hopeless case. No matter what you do, they will not leave you alone.

From my own experience, I know that these monsters wreak all types of havoc. During these episodes, I have intense physical reactions. I clench my teeth. I ball my hands into fists. I punch myself. I bite myself. I leave bruises that last for days and teeth marks that last for hours. I chew on my lips and the insides of my cheeks. I feel the anger burning all over my body. It leaves a hard lump in my throat. My stomach clenches up. My adrenaline reaches dangerous levels, and I don’t know what to do with it.

What might be even worse than the anger itself is being forced to bottle it up. No matter how angry I feel, no matter how much I’m seething on the inside, I must carry about my normal routine and not lash out at innocent bystanders. I don’t want to be the next shooter to make national headlines. So I control myself as much as possible and hide any sign that anything is out of the ordinary. Looking at me, you would never guess that I want to throttle something. But you would be dead wrong. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve beaten the crap out of my mattress or screamed into my pillow. Sometimes it feels as if I’m always angry.  

I want to let go of my anger. Believe me, I do. But it’s not that easy. I’ve heard what people have said about dealing with anger—that in the end, it just affects you, and you need to drop it.  My pal Buddha gives the best summary of what many have said about letting go of anger. He said, “Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else. In the end, you are the one who gets burned.”

Sage advice. But I’m not Buddha. And expunging one’s anger is easier said than done.

I don’t believe that I willingly “choose” to hold on to my anger as much as it chooses to hold on to me. I have tried countless times to do what I can to not let my demons overcome me. I distract myself, I take naps, I listen to music, I try to think about different things. Nothing helps. Furthermore, my soul rebels at the idea of “letting go” of anger. I don’t like the idea of writing off a debt someone owes me. Some people call this “forgiveness.”  Every time I get close to “forgiving” it feels like I’m saying that what my siblings did to me was no big deal after all. I don’t like that. Anger is a healthy and appropriate emotion in the face of a memory of an abusive incident.    

But I do believe that chronic anger is unhealthy. I once had a therapist say to me, “I’m hesitant to tell you this, but I will. Bad things happen to people who are angry all the time. A lot of them end up getting cancer. That energy is really bad for the body. It can do terrible things to you.” This news shocked me. And it made me even more worried about my mental health. You don’t need to be a doctor to know that being angry all the time isn’t good. I don’t like being angry. It’s not fun for me. I don’t like giving myself bruises and bite marks. It’s also not fair to me. I’ve been abused way too much by others; I don’t need to add myself to the list. I live for the day where I will no longer be angry. That will be a wonderful, wonderful day for me.

But that day is very far away. Letting go of anger is not easy. Someone who hasn’t been through a trauma doesn’t understand exactly how hard it is to recover from it. They’ll give advice along the lines of, “This, too, shall pass.” That silly saying doesn’t apply to life struggles like this. Some things don’t “pass” without leaving permanent scars behind. You can still be reeling from the effects of abuse even decades after the fact.

My demons are some of my scars. I’m a pretty young person and coping with them. I know people in their forties and fifties who are doing the same. Hopefully that won’t be me. Hopefully one day I’ll find the perfect antidote to rid myself of them forever. For I know that if you don't find some way to exorcise your demons, they'll beat you up for the rest of your life.