Unleash the Beast

I always thought anger was a bad thing.

We are not allowed to express anger. In our daily interactions, we must wear a fake, pleasant smile no matter how we really feel. We are taught that if we ever do "snap," we are horrible people. We have turned into monsters who cannot control our base instincts. Anger is a beast that must be locked up and never let out. If you've ever struggled with demons, you know that anger doesn't like this. The beast rebels inside of you, kicking and scratching at the cage you've made for it. In your attempts to be A Good Person, you must fight back harder, ensuring the monster never sees the light of day. This is quite possibly the worst thing we can do.

Here's something I learned the hard way: Repression often makes anger worse. Suppressing one's feelings never makes them go away. Nursing your demons ensures that the beast will grow larger inside of you. When people do not express their angry feelings, they will turn their anger inward. This will lead to depression, physical ailments, and self-destructive behavior. People who bottle up their anger will often turn to self-medication like drugs and alcohol. They may experience physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, insomnia, and heart palpitations. To get rid of your anger, do the exact opposite of repressing it--express it! Unleash the beast. 

After years and years of controlling my anger, I finally realized the healing power of expressing my feelings one day when I decided to beat my mattress to a pulp. I had been really angry just before, and decided to really go for it. After 15 minutes of pounding, I stood up, took a breath . . . and felt a sense of release. It was unlike anything I had ever felt after a rage attack. I felt a little bit lighter--much lighter than I usually do. Usually I just feel dead. 

Some research and experimenting made me find other methods for expressing anger. Destroying things is a great way to release negative energy. Break old dishes. Throw them against the wall. Shred old phone books or newspapers. If you have a picture of your abuser, take it, scribble away on it, and tear it up. This was especially powerful for me. I once drew on and cut up a picture of my abuser, and made sure to scribble her face out as hard as I could. When I saw the pieces lying on the floor, I thought to myself, "Wow. This is how much I hate her. This is a visual representation of my rage toward my sibling." Seeing my anger in visual form helped make my feelings more real. Before, I had been shoving them aside. Now they were demanding I take them seriously.

Vocalize your feelings. Find a safe place to scream, or scream into your pillow. Think of phrases you want to say to your abuser now that you could not say back then: "I hate what you've done to me! I hate you! I hate how much you've hurt me!" One day, when I was alone in the house (I went through every room to make sure), I found myself screaming my feelings to the air. I imagined my sibling was standing right in front of me, and found myself screaming over and over again, "You fucker!!! You fucker!!! You fucker!!!" It felt good.

During these vocalizations, it can be helpful to fantasize revenge. I once read about a woman who was sexually abused by her father. This woman would often imagine herself walking into her parents' living room, shotgun in hand, and shooting her father's testicles off. I myself like to imagine beating my abuser to a pulp. 

For victims of emotional abuse, actual revenge is often possible. In an emotionally abusive sibling relationship, the abused sibling often grows up and abuses their abuser. I am not at all opposed to this tactic. In fact, I've seen it be quite effective. This is often a great way for the abused sibling to exorcise their demons. The abuser also gets what they deserve. It is often only a taste of their own medicine that will truly do the trick. It is also a good way to give the abuser consequences. It's a good way to show them that their actions will not be excused. 

Of course, for victims of physical or sexual abuse, revenge is not a good idea. You don't want to end up in jail. Some victims of severe abuse find retribution through either criminal or civil court. Other victims find revenge through igniting social change by speaking out against abuse or by advocating for victims' rights in the legal system. 

Another tactic is to write, but not send, a letter to all the people responsible for abusing you or failing to protect you. Be as harsh as you want to be. Let them hear you roar. Tell them how they've hurt you and how they failed you. Let them know all your feelings. Don't stop writing until you've said all you want to say. It might be even more helpful to read this letter aloud, as if you are speaking to the person you're writing to.

Another tool to use is the art of telling. Talk to a friend who will sympathetically listen to your stories of abuse. I remember how good it felt the first time I opened up to a friend about my messed-up family life, and she responded to my woes with, "That sounds very infuriating!" Such validation gives an emotional "hug" to the wounded parts of your soul. It is very, very important that your hurt feelings be treated respectfully. Don't waste time with a dismisser or a victim blamer. Keep sharing your pain with others until you find someone who is supportive. 

The most important thing to know about anger is that it should not be denied. Anger is not a feeling to be ashamed of. It needs to be acknowledged, worked through and respected. Anger will not disappear by being dismissed. Take ownership of it. Confront your anger head-on. Work through it day by day and see what happens. 

It's important to think of this as a process. I've noticed that angry people are often advised to "just let go" of their feelings. It doesn't happen like that. The feelings must be worked through first. You cannot force yourself to forgive before you're ready. If you do, you're likely living in denial.

Anger is not bad. For the healing process, it's actually very good. When you express your feelings, you can turn your demons into your allies, and have them help you heal.