That phrase has always bothered me.
In my family, we weren't allowed to fight with each other. At all. The second my father heard bickering in the background, he'd rush in and yell at us to stop it. That's it. No mediating. No assessing what we were fighting about. No correcting the bully or standing up for the victim. He just knew that the bickering bothered him and he wanted the fight ended, with no regard to our feelings. Was my father "keeping conflicts to a minimum?"Absolutely not.
My father was actually exacerbating the resentment between us. He might have felt better when the fights ended, but I felt ten times worse. I felt very angry when I wasn't allowed to vent my frustrations. Especially during a situation when my siblings were being mean to me, I felt very hurt and betrayed by his actions. Others were attacking me, and I wasn't allowed to fight back. He was essentially telling me that he didn't support my right to stand up for myself, and cared more about his feelings than mine. I firmly believe that having my parents shut down our fights contributed to my learned helplessness. I eventually developed a "why bother?" attitude, because I knew that fighting back wouldn't yield any good results.
I worry there are parents out there who think they are "keeping conflicts to a minimum" when really they're just doing what my dad did. It's unfortunate that researchers I've come across don't expand on this bit of research. Because they won't, I will. Preventing sibling abuse is not as simple as parents who "allow fights" versus parents who "don't allow fights." It's a bit more complicated than that. There are three types of parents I've seen. Two of them encourage sibling abuse, and one of them discourages it. These types of parents are as follows:
Type 1: "No Fighting Allowed" Parents following this philosophy have a very simple approach to sibling squabbles. In the midst of a bickering battle, they'll usually say (or scream) one of two things: "Don't fight!" or "Stop fighting!" Sometimes the children will comply, oftentimes they won't. Parents guilty of using this approach have often done very little research on conflict management. They are motivated not by a desire to help their children get along, but by their desire to find relief. Their own feelings, not their children's, are the ones taking precedence. This approach, even if it does stop the fighting, never solves the issue at hand. It also doesn't encourage siblings to have good feelings toward each other. In fact, it encourages hostility between siblings. When children are not allowed to express their frustrations, they will often seethe with hidden resentment, only to release it in other forms later. Something that should be clear: "Don't fight!" is about the most unhelpful thing you can say. It doesn't solve anything. Any parents out there reading this, please resist the urge to shut down your kids' arguments. There are other, more helpful ways you can reduce the rivalries at home. 
Type 2: "Sibling Rivalry is Normal"
These parents follow a very different philosophy than that of the parents listed above. In fact, theirs is the exact opposite. The mantra of these parents is that sibling rivalry is normal and cannot be reduced. They believe that during every fight, their job is to stay out of it. Like me, these parents believe that siblings need to express their frustrations. They fear that intervention of any kind would only exacerbate their kids' negative feelings. Additionally, they don't want to pick sides, and believe that staying out of it is the best way to ensure this doesn't happen. I appreciate these parents on some level. I wish my parents had been like this. Unlike the previous parents, these parents are doing what they believe is best for their kids while putting their personal feelings aside. So I strongly resisted the research suggesting this type of parent is more likely to experience sibling abuse. But then I made my own observations. I have to admit; the research is right. While these parents have good intentions, they do create an environment conducive to developing abusive behavior. They tend to let things slide they shouldn't let slide. They don't draw the line between "bickering" and "bullying." They don't intervene when the children could benefit from adult intervention. There's also a subset of this type of parent who uses this philosophy as an excuse to be lazy when it is very obvious they need to act. 
Parents abiding by this philosophy follow the best practices of them all. These are the parents who use resources like Siblings Without Rivalry to help educate themselves on how best to reduce conflict. In their homes, these parents use all sorts of methods to deal with fighting effectively. They start by setting ground rules from the beginning, to prevent one child from being mean to another. When they notice bullying, they immediately correct the behavior. These parents further buffer fights by understanding that siblings are bound to experience resentment occasionally, and it is only by acknowledging these feelings that they'll disappear. They treat their children's feelings respectfully by allowing their children to vent their frustrations, listening to them and letting them know they are understood. When fights occur, these parents helpfully intervene. They figure out what the kids are fighting about and work with them to help solve the problem. When their kids start picking on each other in the middle of a fight, they remind them to state their feelings to each other. They pay attention to sibling dynamics, and notice if one sibling consistently dominates the other. When this happens, they do their best to change these roles. They empower the victim to stand up for herself and teach the bully different methods to express his wishes. In short, these parents work with their children to help solve the problems that occur. This middle-of-the-road approach is the best bet to creating happy parents and children.
When researchers claim that parents need to work on keeping conflicts to a minimum, they are talking about the third type of parent. That is the type that parents should strive to be. When researchers claim that some parents accept fights as normal, they're talking about the second type of parent. In all the research I've done, the first type of parent has not received a single mention. That's a shame, because that type of parent also encourages sibling abuse. No matter how frequently my dad shut down our fights, my siblings would always come back to attack me. Simple methods never pay off. Parents need to understand that reducing sibling rivalry involves a lot of hard work. If it's easy, you're not doing it right.
what about a parent that asks the child if they want to hit their sibling and tells them to go ahead while the other parent is working on trying to have the children talk about the problem when a fight arrises and work towards solving the issue between the children so their isnt name calling and hitting
ReplyDeleteHi Leslee. You're absolutely right that sometimes one parent will insist that an inappropriate action (like hitting) is just fine, while the other parent knows it's not and wants the children to work toward an appropriate solution. If you're that parent who wants the appropriate course of action, good for you! That's great!
ReplyDeleteYou may never convince the other parent that what they're doing is not OK. I would just focus on yourself and do what you can to promote talking it out rather than violence. One day, your partner might see the light and see that when the kids talk it out, the violence decreases. Good luck and hang in there!