When I heard about this book, I knew I had to read it to see if it discussed anything about sibling abuse. As a huge bookworm, I always look at reviews on Amazon before reading a book. The parents who reviewed it loved it, and I see why. It's an extremely practical book. You won't find a book more hands-on than this one. It's filled with tons of examples, which are presented using cartoons as a visual aid. It's geared to families of all ages. It's a quick read. Many reviewers said the book's suggestions have dramatically reduced the fights at home. Here are some of the suggestions I found that directly pertain to sibling abuse:
1. Get the Bad Feelings Out: This was a powerful chapter in and of itself--one all parents need to read. It's about allowing your children to express their feelings about their siblings, including bad ones, and validating them. The chapter offers lots of great tips, but was especially helpful in understanding the reason behind emotional abuse. According to Faber and Mazlish, an older sibling will often reveal their jealousy of a new baby sibling in the form of derogatory comments. (The authors have an interesting metaphor to explain this jealousy, which is also worth reading.) To stop this, parents need to allow the child to vent their jealousy safely. One mother in the book took her older daughter aside one day and prompted her to talk about her sister. The mother was shocked and disturbed when the girl went on a tirade about how much she hated her sister. That night, though, when the mother went upstairs to check on the girls, she found them asleep in the same bed with their arms around each other.
2. Stop Physical Hurting: The book offers three suggestions for stopping violence. The first is the "ignore the aggressor, aid the victim" approach. When a child physically attacks another, don't give attention to the culprit. Instead, help the injured party, lead that child out of the room, and condemn the aggressor's actions. Another method is to correct and redirect. When you see a child getting physical with another, tell him to use his words. Give the child an example of what to say. You can also suggest the child channel his frustration onto an object, like a pillow, while you stand and watch. This goes back to the first tip. If your child knows you care about his anger, he won't feel resentful and invalidated. The third method is for two-way fights. When you notice two children getting physical with each other, describe what you see, separate them, have a cooling-off period, and regroup later to talk about what happened.
3. Get Children Out of Their Roles: Bullying problems, according to the authors, are due to children being locked into roles. The "meanie" of the family has been labeled as a bully, and the picked-on kid has been labeled as a victim. To eradicate this problem, get children out of their roles. Never label a child as "mean." If you see a child bullying a sibling, tell her she is capable of being nice, and needs to start doing so right now. Help the victim see herself in a different light. Empower her to stand up for herself. When a sibling is being mean to her, tell her what to say to the bully. Don't let anybody in the family label a child as a "bully" or a "victim," not the parent, the siblings, or the child herself.
4. Hold a Family Meeting: Sometimes a particularly difficult problem will arise. In the book, one couple found out their son was hurting their daughter when she didn't turn off the T.V. So they called a family meeting, which goes like this: Call a meeting of the parties involved. Explain the procedure: each child is allowed a turn, and won't be interrupted. Let each child voice their feelings and concerns. Allow time for rebuttal. Try to solve the problem by jotting down any ideas that come up, and let the kids go first. Reach solutions that are good for everyone. Schedule a time to meet again the following week to see if everything worked out. In the book, they agreed to work out the T.V. schedule in advance, no hurting would be allowed, and each child would be in charge of themselves.
I am not a parent. I haven't tried these tricks, so I cannot attest to their effectiveness. But having been a kid myself and having observed other families, I do have my critiques. My biggest beef is the assumption that if a child is being picked on, it's because he doesn't stand up for himself. In my experience, this is flat-out false. In many families I've observed, the victim often does fight back. And it doesn't stop the abusive sibling from being mean to him. What I do see as the problem is that parents aren't supportive of the victim. Parents irritated by bickering don't see an abusive situation for what it is. Often, when a victim stands up for himself, parents will view this as "fighting" and will tell the kids to cut it out. So maybe that's the real secret: Support the victim. Let him know you're rooting for him. Also, the "meanness" represented in the book was almost always conflict-driven bullying. One thing parents need to understand is that abuse is often not conflict-driven, but completely unprovoked.
Criticism aside, I will keep an open mind about the rest of the book's advice. You'd be surprised how often advice will seem silly at first, but then work wonders when you finally try it out. A conversation I recently had with a friend nicely illustrates this point. I was interested in what I could do to save gas. I have a friend who does a lot of driving, and thought she could give me some tips. I asked her if she burns through her gas easily. She told me that she took a course on driving efficiently, and it helped her tremendously. She then asked me the following question: "When you try to save gas, do you press on the gas pedal as little as possible and try to coast as much as possible?" I answered yes, that's exactly what I did. She said to me, "That's actually the worst thing you can do." "Really?" I said. "Yup," she answered. "When you're not pushing on the pedal, you're losing momentum. It takes twice as much gas to get back to the speed you were going. What you should do instead is constantly push down on the pedal, and ease up, but not lift your foot off completely when you're going the right speed." I tried her trick. It worked. I was pleasantly surprised.
If I had two children, and one of them was being mean to the other, before reading this book I probably would have done exactly what you're not supposed to do. I would have said to the mean one, "Becky, you're being mean, and you need to stop RIGHT NOW!" Now that I've been enlightened, I'm more likely to try a different approach. I would instead say to Becky, "I know you can be nice. And you need to start right now." Hopefully that would work. It's just important to keep an open mind. It's weird how often what seems like a good idea is actually the worst thing you can do. Like not pushing on the gas pedal. Or giving attention to the aggressor. Or layering condoms. Or telling your kid she's being mean. So even if advice seems weird to you, or sounds like it wouldn't work, it's important to give it a shot. You never know; it may be just the cure you need.
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