And Yet Another Reason: Uninvolved Parenting

In these three posts I've so far written (which I'm now making into a series) about the reasons why siblings become abusive, I've not yet talked about one of the most important factors: uninvolved parenting. I've mentioned once or twice before that uninvolved parenting is the surefire way to ensure a family will experience sibling abuse. Regardless of the children's personalities. Even if the children born contain the least jealous, most flexibile, most confident, and generally nicest genes children can possess, if the parents are uninvolved, the older one--or the more aggressive or powerful one--will become an abuser. In other words: uninvolved parenting = sibling abuse, guaranteed. But what is uninvolved parenting? How do I know that parental uninvolvement is the key to creating sibling abuse? And, most importantly, why does parental uninvolvement cause sibling abuse? 

These are wonderful questions that I am happy to answer. So first, let's define uninvolved parenting: This online article gives a nice summary of what it is. But if you didn't click on the link, I'll provide a nice summary for you. Uninvolved parents: 

•  are emotionally distant from their children
• provide little supervision for their children
• show little affection
• have few demands and low to no expectations for behavior
• are being neglectful
• are generally absent from their children's lives--don't attend parent-teacher conferences, school events, etc.
• may intentionally avoid their children
• can be too caught up in their own problems to pay attention to their children

As to why such parenting results in sibling abuse, there are several possible answers. The first one is that uninvolved parenting often yields insecurity in children, and children with low self-esteem are more likely to pick on others in order to build themselves up. But that's not the entire answer. I have seen a few different families where the parents were uninvolved, and the abusive sibling was not always insecure.

One of the ways in which I found my uninvolved parenting=sibling abuse formula was by observing one of my close friends, Maria and her interactions with her younger sister, Sasha. I met Maria when she and I were in elementary school. Maria was a lot like me; shy, quiet, friendly, and above all, nice. If you observed her in the classroom, on the playground, on the bus, with her friends, with her teachers, and with other classmates, you would never, ever, ever suspect that she was a bully at home. Ever. She, like me, was one of those good little girls in school. Always following the rules. Never speaking out of turn. Never doing anything at all to upset anyone. 

She was quite a different way at home.

Before I get into that, however, I should tell you more about her life at home. I didn't suspect it then, but when I look back on our childhood together, I can spot some signs that Maria came from a home of uninvolved parents. Maria often came to school in mismatched clothing that fit her poorly. At our middle school, if a girl was caught wearing spaghetti straps, the administration would make her sport the oh-so-stylish, baggy, ugly "Drug Free" T-shirt from our school's version of the D.A.R.E. program for the rest of the day. We all owned some copy of this shirt at home, and Maria frequently wore it. Not because she was being punished. Because she had nothing else to wear. 

I remember one weekend, Maria and I had made plans to see a PG-13 movie at our local movie theater. It was a big deal for us, because we were in either seventh or eighth grade and had just turned thirteen. When my mom dropped me off at the theater, I was surprised to see both Maria and Sasha standing in the movie theater lobby. Alone. No Mom in sight. Their mother had simply used Maria's and my get-together as an opportunity to get rid of both her daughters for two hours. What's more, Sasha is five years younger than Maria. At the age of eight, she was much too young to be seeing a PG-13 movie with us.

When I saw Maria and Sasha together, I often saw Maria picking on Sasha. For no good reason. I still remember how angry I felt whenever I saw Maria teasing Sasha and then Sasha recoiling in fear. She's not doing anything to you! I would think to myself. Why are you picking on her? 

Maria and Sasha fit the textbook definition of sibling abuse: Sasha was always the victim, was frightened of Maria, and Maria was always the aggressor, always attacking with no provocation.

Was Maria insecure? Not even. I would say she was a little bit quiet, but she never gave off an aura of self-loathing like a lot of insecure people I know (and I am very good at reading people). No, Maria was a normal girl with average self-esteem. It wasn't self-hatred that drove her to pick on her (much younger, much smaller) sister.

So what was it then? What drove Maria to become an abuser? What did her uninvolved parents have to do with it? 

I believe that when parents are uninvolved, they open the doors to an evil little monster lurking in all of us, and especially in children: the power-hungry ego. When children are almost completely unsupervised, when there are no consequences for their actions, when their parents are hardly ever home, there is nothing stopping their power-hungry egos from bursting out. When they see someone younger and smaller than they are, it is just too tempting to exert their power over this defenseless creature. Power feels good, after all. As I've said before, there is almost nothing we like better than having our egos stroked. And when there are practically zero repercussions for making ourselves powerful in a negative way, we go ahead and do it. Because, especially to a small child, if it feels good, it means they should do it.

Now, in this case, there actually were repercussions. Sasha grew up. And she was angry. And she dished back to Maria everything Maria had ever served to her. And (to both my satisfaction and frustration), Maria protested loudly. At one point, I remember her saying to Sasha, "You verbally abuse me!" Oh does she? I remember thinking to myself, I wonder where she learned it from. 

Today, the sisters have burned their old bridges and built new ones. And now they're best friends. I don't know the story behind what made them get to where they are today, but I'd like to think that Maria learned the errors of her ways, and apologized for them. I'd like to think that Sasha stomped her power-hungry ego to the ground, and then Maria closed the gates to the evil monster herself. If parents leave those gates wide open, something else will come along to teach the child to shut them.     

      

Another Reason Why

I have a friend named David who has an older sister. David once told me about a story he heard from his mom about his early

relationship with his sister. David was a newborn, barely three months old when this incident occurred. David and his sister were in his mother's bedroom, with David lying peacefully in the middle of the bed. His three-year-old sister was there, watching over him. David's mom was temporarily out of the room, grabbing something from the walk-in closet. Her back was turned for maybe ten seconds when she heard a funny noise. It sounded like small cries that were being muffled by something. She turned around and saw David's sister try to smother her brother with a pillow.

These family stories might give you a chuckle, but this is a story that nicely illustrates another reason why sibling abuse can occur. That reason is the intense jealousy an older child may feel with the arrival of a new baby sibling. 

In the book Siblings Without Rivalry, (yes, I know I keep referencing this title, but bear with me) the authors present a great metaphor for explaining the jealousy a first-born child may feel upon the arrival of a new sibling. 

Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you."  When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he's very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. "Isn't (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart... You are precious!" Then they turn to you and ask, "How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?" 

The new wife (or husband or partner) needs clothing. Your partner goes into your closet, takes some of your sweaters and pants and gives them to the new wife (or husband or partner). When you protest, (s)he points out that since you've put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you and they'll fit the new partner perfectly. 

Is it a silly metaphor? Maybe. But it provides a great perspective for parents dealing with a very jealous first-born child. How did you feel while reading this? Didn't you feel so enraged you wanted to smash something? Didn't you want to lash out at the new spouse? To harm him or her, no matter the cost? This explains the intense cruelty behind many older children's actions when a new baby arrives.   

Not all first-born children will react like this. Both research and my own observations have shown me that a child's personality is the strongest indicator of how they react to a new sibling. More specifically, I have found that a child with an inflexible personality is more likely to react unfavorably.

Many families report that this cruelty doesn't stop when the child gets older. The "meanness" simply continues, evolving into different forms as the kid grows up. What's the reason behind this? Some might say that the old jealousy never dies, that the older sibling never "gets over" being displaced. 

I have a different theory. I think that the jealousy itself dies away, but the mean habits stick around. Because the older sibling gets used to torturing the little one, he or she continues this behavior because it's what he or she is accustomed to. Being mean out of jealousy evolves into being mean for fun. 

So what's a parent to do? Parents need to validate these jealous feelings early on. In the story above, David's mother should have of course gone into the room and immediately pulled her daughter off of her son. (Which is what she did.) But then, she should have said,"People aren't for hurting! Show me how you feel with this pillow instead." 

She then should have handed her daughter a pillow to throttle. And then stood back and watched while her daughter pounded on it. She could have said something like, "You just want to send your brother back!" 

Such advice might shock parents, but research has shown that validation of feelings--not ignoring them--is what will drive vicious feelings away. Parents who end up with a jealous first-born child should not ignore the green-eyed monster, but welcome him in, listen to his feelings, and soothe the hurt away.           

It's No Big Deal...

One thing that many victims of sibling emotional abuse experience is denial. 

A large contributing factor to the perpetuation of sibling abuse is that the parents are in denial there's a problem. For parents, there are few things harder to bear than the fact that there's a serious problem in their family. It is far easier to bury their heads in the sand than to confront the fact that something is very wrong. After all, the abuse isn't happening to them. When they see one of their children bullying the other, they can tell themselves that the teasing is not a big deal. In fact, it's totally harmless. Even if the victim goes straight to the parents and tells them directly that their sibling is walking all over them, these complaints often fall on deaf ears. Parents who are in denial will often talk the victim out of their feelings, trying to force their own inward script into the mind of the victim. 

We all know that emotional abuse is a very big deal. This is apparent in the consequences of abuse. "Long-Term Effects of Sibling Abuse" is my most popular post so far, by far. Many people who have been abused emotionally experience serious long-term effects like low self-esteem, depression, rage, and learned helplessness. 

But let's forget about long-term effects for a minute. Something even simpler than psychological research waves a big red flag in my face that bullying is a very big deal. Have you ever noticed that it's always a big deal when the abuse is happening to the abuser? In many families where the victim has grown up to give the abuser a taste of their own medicine, they'll often find that the abuser is feeling the exact same way they did when they were the victim. In one family I know of, where the abused younger sister grew up to dish right back to her sister what had been done to her for years, I found an interesting reaction in the older one. During one of these incidents, the older sister threw back at the younger one, "You're so mean to me! You verbally abuse me!" Hmmmm I thought to myself. You didn't think it was that big a deal when you were doing the same to her. 

And it's also always a big deal when the abuse happens to the parents. One time, I remember my sibling saying something relatively minor to my mom. It was something along the lines of "Oh, great!" and then her going to her room and slamming the door. My mom didn't take it, asked my sister to come out, and told her not to speak to her disrespectfully.

It was devastating to me that my parents would stand up for themselves, but not for me. While abuse is devastating to the victim, denial has just as much of an impact. Denial may not be done out of malicious intentions, but it is malicious in its effects. Denial leads parents to not protect their children from harm. And similarly to abuse, denial leads to a lack of trust from child to parent. 

Someone once told me that, contrary to popular belief, it is not impossible to change others. But to change others you must change yourself. Parents who want to end the abuse in their families must first change themselves. Get out of denial. It's too dangerous in there.

Risk Factors: Sibling Emotional Abuse

There is yet to be sufficient research into how and why sibling abuse occurs. But experts have found a number of risk factors that can make sibling emotional abuse more likely. I have used this website and this one to restate experts' findings. I have also made some of my own observations, which I have also included below. 

• Parents are uninvolved 
• Parents are in denial that there's a problem
• Parents don't understand that it's a big deal 
• Parents think they must always hold children equally accountable
• Parents are permissive
• Parents accept sibling rivalry as normal, rather than working to minimize fights
• Parents have not taught conflict management from early on
• Parents don't intervene
• The abuser has a personality that craves power
• The abuser has low self-esteem
• The abuser exhibits inflexibility, or a low tolerance for frustration
• Jealousy after the baby arrives initiates abusive behavior in the older sibling, which later become habits
• The abuser lacks empathy
• Abuse has been modeled for children

Risk Factors: Sibling Physical Abuse

Physical abuse of a sibling is more common than many parents realize. It is estimated that about 53% of children have committed at least one act of severe aggression toward a sibling (Wiehe, V., "Rivalry or Abuse?"). Physical abuse can be long-term or intermittent, but any violence toward a sibling threatens the physical and emotional well-being of the child. Here are some risk factors for sibling physical abuse:

• Inappropriate Care-taking Roles: When one child is burdened with so much responsibility for a sibling that he or she is essentially that child's surrogate parent, physical abuse often ensues. Parents should use resources such as after school care programs instead of leaving older children in charge of younger ones. Parents should also educate themselves on appropriate times to leave their children on their own, and understand that no child of any age should be burdened with too much responsibility for a sibling.
• Children have observed violence: Children (and people) often learn by observing others. If children have been exposed to violence, either through the media, at school, or in their neighborhood, they are more likely to see it as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
• Parents don't intervene: When parents see violence between children, they may assume it is normal roughhousing or part of a two-way fight. If parents are frequently not at home, then there is no parent around to stop the violence. 

It is important to note that violence toward a sibling should never be downplayed. Physical abuse of a child by a child is just as harmful as physical abuse of a child by a parent. Parents are responsible for setting very clear rules and enforcing them. Violence is never acceptable. 

Risk Factors: Sibling Sexual Abuse

What causes a child to become abusive? In this three-part series, I'll detail all the ways researchers have found that can increase the chances of sibling abuse. We need more research to fully understand the reason behind sibling abuse (I've stated earlier that sibling abuse has not been studied very much), but we have some data to start from. 

Here are some factors that can increase the risk of sibling sexual abuse:

• Children have been sexually abused or witnessed sexual abuse*
• Children have access to pornography
• Parents have not discussed sexuality and personal safety with their children

From what I've read and studied so far, some things about sibling sexual abuse have become very clear to me, and they are worthy of discussion.

Sexual abuse is probably the form of abuse that parents are the least likely to find out about. And even when they do, parents are frequently in denial. Children are easily dismissed. It is much easier for parents to believe that their child is making something up than to believe that what they're saying is true. 

In many families, even if parents did know that incest has occurred between children, the abuse is never discussed. The parents sweep it under the rug and act as if it never happened. This can be invalidating, hurtful, and re-traumatizing for many survivors of sibling sexual abuse.

Survivors of sexual abuse often feel a great deal of shame and self-blame for what happened to them. If this is you, believe me when I say to you: It was not your fault. No child is able to give consent. It is always the responsibility of the parents to ensure their children's safety.    

* Unlike research on adult offenders, a strong causal relationship has been established between child and adolescent offenders and these offenders' own prior victimization, by either adults or other children. 

One Simple Reason

What makes a sibling mean? 

I would be a bad blogger had I not researched that question myself. For quite a while, I have read psychologists' theories  and closely observed many families in order to find an answer. My own observations and experts' findings have revealed various risk factors. Uninvolved parents will develop a problem with sibling abuse. A very insecure child will often take it out on a sibling. The arrival of a new baby sibling will often cause an older sibling to feel threatened or jealous. He or she will want to harm the baby as a result, and this dynamic can continue throughout the relationship. Different personalities are more likely to feel threatened or jealous than others.

I'll explain all these more thoroughly later. I've seen these traits in many families struggling with sibling abuse, and believe all of them to be true. But something still doesn't sit right with me. I've seen cases where none of the aforementioned factors is present, yet one sibling is undeniably, unquestionably being mean to another. So what's the explanation behind this behavior? 

There's a very simple reason. It feels good. There is an intrinsic reward in being mean to someone. It makes you feel powerful. It strokes your ego. And if there is any pleasure in the world a human being most enjoys, it is having your ego stroked. 

The abusive child doesn't care that he's making his sibling "feel bad." He doesn't see it as a big deal. The bad feelings aren't happening to him, so why should he care? All he knows is that it's fun, it makes him feel powerful, and he gets away with it. It's similar to how people feel about junk food. They know on some level it's bad. But that knowledge stands no chance against yummy, fatty, sugary goodness. Especially if you never gain weight, there is nothing standing between you and that diabetes-on-a-stick dessert.    
The delusional ones aren't just the abusive siblings. Parents are often guilty as well. Because the disrespectful behavior isn't happening to them, they can lie to themselves about it. They can convince themselves that what they're seeing is "no big deal." This is another contributing factor to sibling abuse: The parents are in denial that there's a problem.   

Both you and I know that emotional abuse is a big deal. Mean siblings can eventually learn this. Getting a taste of their own medicine will often do the trick. One family I know of had a problem with the older sister bullying the younger brother. The sister grew up, moved out, and got a job in one of the rudest cities in the U.S. After living there for a year, her personality completely changed. She went from mean girl to girl-next-door. She became so much more caring, friendlier and nicer. And she never bullied her brother again.

That experience was exactly the rude awakening she needed. Being picked on made her realize: "Oh. This is how it feels when people are mean to you. This is why we don't insult people for the cheap thrill it gives us. My previous feelings were lying to me. Being mean always made me feel good. I never imagined that it feels this awful when someone is mean to you. So this is what they meant when they said to treat others the way you want to be treated. I guess I'll start doing that." And she shaped up.

Now this story has a happy ending, and you might be inspired by that. But a message to any parents out there: This process needs to happen earlier. Don't wait for your child to enlist in the military. Nip bullying in the bud at a young age. If you hope the mean sibling will just "grow out of it," you're letting the victim sibling be picked on for the duration of the mean sibling's time at home. Children are capable of shaping up much sooner.

Oh, and there's another warning I must give you. It turns out that junk food catches up with you too...