Let's Talk About the Lena Controversy

Maybe you've heard of her:

If you haven't, let me fill you in. Lena Dunham is a young actress/producer/writer who became a celebrity in 2012 with the release of her mega-hit T.V series, "Girls." Described as being a "Sex and the City for 20-somethings," the show follows the lives of young women trying to get it together in New York City. From this show, Lena became an instant success, and has been featured in practically every talk show, magazine, blog (hee hee), you name it. Almost every millennial knows her name. 

Recently, Dunham has become the subject of a controversy because of certain scenes in her recently-released memoir. (Yes, this woman has a memoir. At age 28.) In these scenes, Dunham describes spreading open her younger sister's vagina to find pebbles she had stuffed in there, masturbating in bed next to her, and bribing her sister with candy to kiss her on the lips for long periods of time.

FYI, I did read the actual passages in the book before I started writing this post, so I'm judging these based on what I have actually read, not what some bozo on the Internet has told me to think. In the pebbles-in-vagina scenario, Lena was 7 and Grace was 1. In the masturbation-in-bed one, Lena was 17 and Grace was 11, in the kissing-on-the-lips incident, it's not clear what ages the girls are, but they were both still children. 

The controversy is what to make of it all.

Some people say Lena molested her sister. Some people are saying everything she did was just normal childhood sexual exploration. Which side should we take? 

Well, I'll give you my two cents. There are a couple of factors that need to be taken into account. One is the definition of molestation. According to this website, there are a couple of acts that are defined as child sexual abuse. These are: 

• sexual touching of any part of the body, clothed or unclothed
• penetrative sex
• encouraging a child to engage in sexual activity
• intentionally engaging in sexual activity in front of a child
• showing children pornography or using children to create pornography
• encouraging a child to engage in prostitution 

OK, I feel sort of sick just typing all that. Let me take a break.

I'm back. So did Lena molest her sister? Looking at the definition of child sexual abuse, there are a couple of things that immediately seem not OK. Out of all the incidents, the kissing one seems the most serious to me. Why? Because it seems like the most intentional, where Lena seemed to be purposely deriving sexual pleasure from a non-consensual act. 

The other ones are grayer to me. Masturbation is definitely a sexual act, but was Lena intentionally engaging in it in front of her sister? I don't think she was. The pebble incident is also a little bit iffy, but it seems more like curiosity than an intent to arouse. 

The second factor is how Grace feels about it all. Does she feel victimized by what Lena did? She has come out publicly that she does not. She has said it is up to the individual affected by it to decide whether or not it was harmful. I agree.   

What the Lena controversy can teach us all is that it's important for parents to police the behaviors of children. Internet experts everywhere were saying, "Oh, childhood sexual exploration is normal!!!!" And maybe it is. But if sexual exploration is normal, then children should explore their own bodies and be taught to leave others' bodies alone. 

Maybe you yourself were a victim of sibling sexual abuse, and this recent controversy has left you feeling angry, or confused, or scared. I say that each person is the narrator of his or her own story. If you felt victimized by something a sibling did to you, then that is your story. You have every right to feel that way. 

And in case you didn't already know, I've mentioned Lena on my blog before. Whether she is a perpetrator of sexual abuse is iffy, but she was certainly guilty of another type of abuse. A type of abuse we as a society haven't talked about, and need to. 

Revictimization

It is important to not stereotype survivors of abuse. Bad things can happen to anyone. However, a common finding in research on female survivors of childhood sexual abuse is that those who undergo sexual victimization at a young age are two to three times more likely than their non-victimized peers to experience a sexual assault in adulthood (Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery: From domestic abuse to political terror, BasicBooks, USA, 1992). This is a phenomenon that researchers have called "revictimization," and is both perplexing and troublesome. 

Why does it happen?

Like in nearly all research surrounding abuse, there are no concrete answers. But, there are a few theories:

1. Under-developed boundaries: There are two predictors that can greatly increase a survivor's chances of being revictimized. These are 1) The younger the victim was at the time of the abuse, the more likely she will endure revictimization. 2) The more severe the abuse, the greater her chances are of revictimization. A possible explanation for these two factors is that the individual's ability to develop good boundaries has been severely compromised. When we are young, we are very vulnerable. We accept the world as it is presented to us. When a loved one abuses us, we accept it as normal. The more severely we are violated, the more damage is being done to our boundaries. 

2. Inaccurate "Danger Cue" Reading: In one study, some researchers found that those who reported revictimization were not as good as their non-victimized peers at identifying people who broke what they labeled "social contracts." In other words, they couldn't identify people who would likely do them harm. Another study presented its participants with a hypothetical dangerous situation. Those who had been victimized as children reported that they would leave after the situation became physical, while those who had never been victimized reported they would leave well before then. It has also been noted that the "cue-reading" works both ways. Those set out to victimize others are good at "reading" who will likely be a victim, and who will not. 

3. Coping Mechanisms and Adjustment Issues: I've mentioned in a previous post that survivors of sexual abuse have been robbed of their body-ownership. Because they have been treated so cruelly by others, they believe that their bodies are simply available to whoever wants them. Researchers have found that survivors of childhood sexual abuse are likely to engage in much higher amounts of consensual sex than those who have not been victimized. They are also more likely to self-medicate with alcohol. These both can make survivors more vulnerable to attacks. Also, the usage of coping mechanisms like denial, self-blame, and distancing from social relationships can increase a survivor's vulnerability. These can all decrease a survivor's sense of self-worth and her motivation and ability to protect herself.  

I think it's not just survivors of sexual abuse who can face revictimization. I went through emotional abuse as a child, and throughout my growing-up years I was constantly being pushed around. I believe that there are parallels between revictimization of both sexual abuse and other types of abuse, and they are worth studying. 

Risk Factors: Sibling Sexual Abuse

What causes a child to become abusive? In this three-part series, I'll detail all the ways researchers have found that can increase the chances of sibling abuse. We need more research to fully understand the reason behind sibling abuse (I've stated earlier that sibling abuse has not been studied very much), but we have some data to start from. 

Here are some factors that can increase the risk of sibling sexual abuse:

• Children have been sexually abused or witnessed sexual abuse*
• Children have access to pornography
• Parents have not discussed sexuality and personal safety with their children

From what I've read and studied so far, some things about sibling sexual abuse have become very clear to me, and they are worthy of discussion.

Sexual abuse is probably the form of abuse that parents are the least likely to find out about. And even when they do, parents are frequently in denial. Children are easily dismissed. It is much easier for parents to believe that their child is making something up than to believe that what they're saying is true. 

In many families, even if parents did know that incest has occurred between children, the abuse is never discussed. The parents sweep it under the rug and act as if it never happened. This can be invalidating, hurtful, and re-traumatizing for many survivors of sibling sexual abuse.

Survivors of sexual abuse often feel a great deal of shame and self-blame for what happened to them. If this is you, believe me when I say to you: It was not your fault. No child is able to give consent. It is always the responsibility of the parents to ensure their children's safety.    

* Unlike research on adult offenders, a strong causal relationship has been established between child and adolescent offenders and these offenders' own prior victimization, by either adults or other children.