Cutting the Cord

In life, many relationships come and go. You get new classmates, meet new neighbors, make new friends, break off relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends and find new lovers. But there is one relationship that we're told is always constant, that lasts forever, that can never be severed. That is the family relationship. No matter the changes we go through in life, we are tied to our families forever. We are told that the love for one's family is unconditional. Even through their disagreements, "deep down" families will always love each other. Just like The Birth Order Bias, this belief is also bullshit.

Pretty recently, I cut off a relationship with one of my siblings. I've gone through estrangements from her before, but this one seems even more serious and long-lasting. I don't know if I'll ever be close with her again, or if I even want to. She has brought immense amounts of pain to my life, and getting rid of her has been akin to cutting out a tumor. I'm glad she's gone and I don't want her back.

I have a memory from when I was little of me lying on the floor of my bedroom, crying about something my siblings had done to me. My parents were there, sitting above me, trying to calm me down. What my mother said that night is something I'll never forget. She looked down at me and said, "They say that family you can always kick around, because they won't leave you like other people will." I find that interesting. Is it really admirable or healthy to assume we will never leave our families?

Cutting off my sister has been one of the best things I've done so far in my personal war on sibling abuse. Since I last saw her, I've seen a change. She looks at me nervously, and is careful with her words when she speaks to me. She's scared. She knows that I am this.close. to leaving her. And she knows it's because of how she's treated me. 

I know many other people who have similarly estranged themselves from siblings who were abusive. For many of them, ending their relationship with their abusers has been nothing but beneficial. Many of these people found an immense sense of peace after cutting ties with ones who treated them with senseless cruelty.

There is a stigma attached to leaving one's family. Because of the sacredness associated with family, to cut off that attachment is one of the biggest sins one can commit in our society. I would argue that not only is it not always a bad thing to leave one's family behind; it is also sometimes necessary and admirable.

To cut ties with an abuser is to protect love. It is NOT loving to consistently treat someone cruelly. If one were to continue a relationship with someone who consistently treats them disrespectfully, that person would be rewarding unloving behavior. Abusers need to be taught that they are not loved when they are being unlovable. Conditional love has its place, even in the family! 

Love is resilient, and can withstand humans who act imperfectly. But a human being who willfully mistreats another does not deserve love.