Something must have happened to my brain after my siblings used me as a receptacle for their own insecure feelings. All the teasing and torturing impacted my life in countless ways. One of the ways I have not yet
touched on is the expectation I held throughout most of my childhood and adolescence that teasing was inevitable. Wherever I went, whoever I was with, I simply expected to be teased.
This is one of those things you don't notice until you reflect on it. Growing up, it never struck me as odd that I was the constant target of teasing. Heck, the teasing itself never seemed abnormal at all. It didn't feel good, but it felt...habitual. Like I deserved it. I grew up "laughing off" the snide comments that were constantly aimed at me, so in my relations with my peers I did the same.
I remember one incident where one of my older sisters and her friend were making fun of me over something I wrote. It was a poem or a letter or something they thought was stupid, and they quoted the thing to me in annoying, mimicking voices. What did I do? Did I get defensive and tell them to shove it? Nope. I grinned sheepishly and laughed with them. In my head I thought that because they were older, they must be right. It had been a stupid thing to write. I deserved to be made fun of for writing something that stupid.
As I got older, I had more encounters with insufferably disrespectful people. We all do, but the difference between me and most people I meet was that my reactions to these rude people were way different from most people's. Often, I had no idea that someone had treated me disrespectfully.
In college, my friend Rachel and I once had to meet with someone to discuss housing options. The person we met with seemed nice enough, and we had a short, pleasant conversation with her about our housing plans for the next school year. Or so I thought. As soon as we got outside, Rachel muttered something about that "bitchy housing lady..." I didn't say anything out loud, but I remember thinking, "Oh, you thought THAT was bitchy?!" One comment she had made to us had seemed a little off, but it didn't strike me as being that big of a deal.
I've had more experiences like this. One time I was at a bar with a group of friends, and our server comes over to get our drink orders. When it's my turn to request a drink, I quickly give my order and then sit there, waiting for him to move on to the next person. I had forgotten that (at least at my age) servers look at ID before serving alcoholic drinks. My server motions for me to take out my driver's license, and then shouts "Come on! Come on!" as he's waving his hand. When he leaves to go back into the kitchen, my friend turns to me and says, "Ugh, that guy was so rude to you."
I hadn't even noticed. In fact, I was giggling as he was waving and shouting at me. His reaction, of course, was right. How could I have been so stupid as to have forgotten to take out my ID? As usual, I was denying any defensive messages inside of me, and agreeing with the message of the bully. The child inside of me who laughed off embarrassment and thought her powerful older siblings were always right had made an appearance. And she thought she deserved to be teased.
I ask myself if there's anything someone can do that would make me think they deserve to be teased for it. I can't think of anything. I don't tease people. Ever. Knowing how painful it is to be on the receiving end has made me extra aware of others' feelings and of not hurting them. Even in cases where people have made a serious goof-up somewhere, I correct as gently as possible. I never make fun of them for it.
There is one very special case where I think someone deserves to be teased. And that's right after they've teased someone else. My philosophy is The Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. If someone disobeys this rule, if they think they can taunt others for the thrill it brings them, they deserve to be on the receiving end of the same treatment.
It's funny how sometimes the bullied are accused of being "too sensitive." In my experience, bullying made me DE-sensitized to things I shouldn't have been. I've come to realize that we're all sensitive, and we all don't like being teased. In all situations, (well....with a few exceptions, as mentioned above) we deserve to be treated respectfully. And in my own life, I know I need to work on replacing my teasing expectation with a different one: expecting to be treated with respect.
Any form of abuse can be almost impossible to bear. As a child, you developed coping mechanisms to withstand the pain. Depending on your situation and the type of abuse you faced, some of these may not apply to you. But no matter what type of abuse you went through, you will find something in here that will help you understand yourself better. Coping mechanisms take effect during childhood and often continue into adulthood, as pain doesn't disappear when the abuser is no longer in your life. Here are a few common mechanisms one can use to cope*:
Denial: This mechanism takes a few different forms. You may have pretended that what was happening wasn't. Or, you may have acknowledged that you were abused but deny it had any impact on you. Denial can also mean numbing yourself to your feelings.
Minimizing: "It's no big deal," is the mantra of the survivors who use this mechanism. People who minimize the abuse may downplay the action while it's happening. They may think to themselves, "Oh, my sister was joking with me," when she really just humiliated you in front of all your friends.
Rationalizing: Rationalizing is making excuses for the abuser's behavior. You may have explained away your brother's punches with, "He's just a little stressed now." Those who use this tactic subconsciously feel that if they feel sorry for the aggressor, they will not have to dwell on their own hurt and angry feelings.
Forgetting: For survivors of sexual abuse especially, forgetting is a very common coping strategy. The human mind is a powerful instrument, with some people being able to block the abuse as it happens. Many adult survivors do not remember the abuse until decades later.
Presenting a Facade to the World: In a society where only happiness is an acceptable emotion, one can understand why a survivor would want to present a very different face from what she's really feeling. For if she showed what was really going on, people would question her about it: "Why are you so upset all the time?" they would say. A false display of happiness is one way to avoid dealing with reality.
Humor: Your laughter can distract you from your tears. If you make a joke about what you're going through, you don't have to deal with the anger, shame and fear. It can also be a way for you to tell the truth without making people feel uncomfortable.
Dissociation: For survivors of physical and sexual abuse especially, dissociation is a powerful tool in dealing with what's happening to them. To dissociate is to disconnect yourself from your body so that you do not feel what is being done to you. Survivors will say that after physically and emotionally distancing themselves, it's almost as if they were watching the scene from far away; they weren't there anymore.
Avoiding People and Intimacy: Many people will isolate themselves because they feel unlovable or worthless. They can also avoid relationships for fear of being hurt again. Sometimes people have had so many experiences with abusive relationships that they believe it's far better to not have a relationship at all.
Maintaining Control: When you were a child, you did not have any power to stop what was being done to you. In adulthood, you may feel that if you control your environment, you'll be safe. A need for control can extend to your relationships with other people.
Escape: Some children who are being abused may have attempted to run away from their homes. If actual escape was impossible, you may have found a form of fantasy escape, such as through sleep, books, video games, or the Internet.
Eating Disorders: If you developed anorexia or bulimia while you were living at home, you may have been trying to cry for help. It also might have been another form of control: You couldn't control what someone else did to you, but you could control what you did to your body. Compulsive eating, on the other hand, is a way to hide from your emotions so you don't have to feel pain. It's also another way to hide from intimacy.
Addiction: There are many types of addiction. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to numb themselves from the pain. Others will get addicted to things like work or being busy in order to distract themselves from what they're feeling.
While this is a long list, these are not all of the possible ways you used to cope. You can probably come up with a few more you used to manage your pain. It might be overwhelming for you to think about all your coping strategies and how they affected your life. Keep in mind that recognizing the ways you coped will help you to assess where you are in the healing process and to make positive changes in the future.
As you grow, you will begin to let go of some of your old ways of coping. More resources will become available to you as you acquire the power and autonomy that comes with adulthood. You can practice healthier responses and replace the ones that have been damaging to you. Above all else, do not be ashamed of what you did to survive. In life, we all do the best we can as we are able to in that given moment. Begin making changes by accepting and loving yourself.
* list taken from:
Bass, Ellen, and Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Harper, 2008. Print.
