Fears about Forgiveness

*SIGH*

"This topic..." is what you thought when you first saw this blog post.

"I don't want to hear another word about this topic."

And I hear you. I totally do. When it comes to healing, the F-word is the word you most commonly hear, and most want to avoid. 

People in my life who have talked about forgiveness have come in two flavors. There's the extremely annoying, dismissive kind:

"What happened to you is IN THE PAST. Let it go," says a condescending family member who envisions herself as the next Mother Theresa, dispensing her earthly wisdom to mortals like ourselves. Whenever you hear this type of forgiveness talk, it takes every last ounce of self-control to not pummel the shit out of the speech-giver. No one understands as much as we do how much we hate being told that what happened was "in the past," somehow magically rendering the person who did it no longer accountable. 

And then there's the well-meaning friend who says something like, "forgiveness is ultimately about yourself: when you let go of your anger, you can move on with your life."

But we know it's not that simple. 

How can I just "let it go" like Elsa in Frozen when she's gallivanting through the majestic Norwegian landscape like a winter Fraulein Maria? Forgiveness in the real world doesn't make you magically shoot snow sparkles out your ass. You can't just "let go" all the anger you've felt over the years. 

Because if I did....what would that make me?

Would "letting go" of my anger make me...weak? Would it mean I'm letting the aggressor off the hook? Would it make me a pushover? Would it mean I had bad boundaries? Would it mean all my suffering was for nothing? Would it mean dishonoring that hurt child inside me, who has been waiting so long for justice? Would it mean repressing my hurt and angry feelings? 

All of these fears are normal, and expected. I'm not going to tell you to not feel those feelings, to not have those thoughts. I struggled with--and still struggle with--all those feelings.

But what I can tell you from my own journey so far is this:

In my healing journey, I came to the conclusion that I did not believe in forgiveness without punishment. Forgiveness without punishment was just a form of enabling the aggressor. 

And that's a perfectly valid way to feel.

So I did punish my aggressors. I cut one of them out of my life. I didn't go to her wedding (which was also a way to punish my parents for not doing their job and protecting me). I struggled with another one of my abusive siblings as well. I deleted her as a friend on Facebook, and only added her back when I felt like she had sufficiently apologized and changed her ways. I've had a couple of talks with both my parents and siblings, and told them how I felt. 

My father has been the most remorseful of my two parents. He came to grips with the fact that what was going on under their roof was not okay, and that he should have done something about it. (He never directly said all of this, but he said something along the lines of "I would've done more had I known how deeply it hurt you." I know. Eye roll.) 

My mother never really apologized. But I did punish her, (by not going to the wedding) and I did tell her how I felt. And I understand that's all I'll ever really get from her. 

And my sibling who I'm still not talking to...that saga is ongoing. She apologized. And then kept on acting unacceptably. So I distanced myself from her again. And now.....I guess I'm waiting.

But one thing I know now is this: Forgiveness feels GREAT. It is so nice to wake up in the morning, and feel nothing but the warmth of the sun on your skin, and not walk around in an angry cloud all the time. It's so nice to focus on the present moment, and not feel the dark thunderclouds of my past, suffocating me from the refreshing air around me. 

Maybe I'll keep that one sibling out of my life permanently. Who knows. Maybe those years of abuse have rendered her permanently untrustworthy, and maybe I'll never really have a relationship with her. That's totally fine.

What happened to me and what happened to you SHOULD NOT have happened. It was wrong. We as a society need to work hard to change our ways of thinking and acting to permanently stamp out sibling abuse. And we can do this slowly by mending the wounds that have been inflicted upon us. 

That small child inside of me is proud that I didn't go to the wedding, that I cut off people who abused me, and that I spoke my truth to people who needed to hear it. I didn't choose the family I was born into, but I did do something about the way they treated me. And that's all I can ever ask of myself.

Even after my family members were punished, I had to consciously let go of my anger. The punishments themselves were satisfying, but of course they couldn't completely delete the past. Only I could give up my hurt feelings, and I did. And I'm still in the process of doing it.

My hope for you is that you can find the strength and courage to heal your wounds. Trust me when I say it's possible.

Hugs.  

Happy Birthday

Today is January 1, 2015, which makes this my blog's second birthday. 

I started this blog as a New Year's resolution, when I decided to give a voice to one of the least recognized social problems in the world. To date, this is the longest-running New Year's resolution I have ever had. And I plan on keeping it running for quite a bit longer. 

It is fitting that I make this post on my blog's second birthday, rather than first, to echo the fact that many victims of sibling abuse are second- (or third- or fourth-) born children, and also to pay homage to the invisibility this problem has faced. 

This year, as I reflect on the research I've done, the posts I've written, the observations I've made, and the insights I've had, I can honestly say this project has been one of the best decisions of my life. I am grateful to each of my readers, who patiently read my posts even though I'm not always the most timely author. It has been quite a journey. I hope you will be here as I continue this journey in the new year.

Water Under the Bridge?

Nothing aggravates me more than people saying what happened to me was "in the past,"--implying
that I should get over it. The people who say this are usually bitter family members, angry at the fact that I am still angry. But I think they are the ones who need to get over it. They need to deal with the fact that I am still carrying a lot of pain--and always will be, to some extent.

These people claim the past isn't around anymore--like water flowing under a bridge. You are still there, solid as a rock, but what happened to you is no longer there, and therefore you should be done with it. They don't understand how much the past affects the present, how much something that happened "in the past" can still affect you deeply now.

In my life, I have come across people in their forties, fifties, and older who are dealing with the very real, very damaging consequences of sibling abuse. That so many people are still in agony speaks to me on a deep level--it tells me that what happened "in the past" still deeply affects their lives in the present.

One college professor I had was clearly still reeling from the effects of sibling abuse. During lecture, he would often mention how his older brother would tease him. One day, he told a story about how his family went to some sort of Chuck E. Cheese-like place, and he won a stuffed animal, and his brother teased him mercilessly for winning "a girl's toy."

Such a story may seem like "no big deal" to some, but had the same teasing comment been leveled at the older brother, I'm sure he would have thought it was a VERY big deal--and pummeled the younger brother in response. And he would still remember the story to this day. And it wouldn't be "in the past" to him.

I've mentioned before that I'm good at reading people. Well, I could tell that this professor was damaged in other ways. He was very insecure, and put on a confident air to cover it up. He was also clearly ashamed of what had happened to him--thinking that bullying like this wouldn't have happened to a stronger person. That he must have been a real weakling to have been picked on so extensively. He was also divorced, and I'm sure his failed marriage had something to do with his past.

Something I've noticed about people making dismissive remarks: such traumas have clearly never happened to them. For if they had, they would never dream of telling me that I should just get over it. There is no "getting over" what happened to you. Not really. You get through it, and the trauma changes shape, but it never completely disappears.

Sibling abuse will likely always affect you in one way or another. That doesn't mean you just need to "let go" or "get over it." It means you're a human being who has been traumatized, and you're dealing with that trauma the best way you can. There is no getting over the past. The past absolutely affects the present, and your job is to learn ways to manage your past without letting it overcome you. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Three Types of Victims

Okay, parents. There are some things we survivors of sibling abuse need you to get straight.

In general, there are three types of victims in sibling abuse cases. Knowing these types will help you suss out what's really going on in your home.

The one who responds appropriately: It's not always the case that we're "equally contributing" to the caterwaul you hear going on daily. Yes, you like to dismiss the fights like that, but we need you to examine them a little closer. When we respond to uncalled-for attacks, we are exercising our basic human right to defend ourselves. We have a right to respect. And it is your job to recognize if a sibling is intentionally provoking us.

The one who does not respond: On the other side of the coin, if we don't defend ourselves, it doesn't mean we're weaklings who need to learn to fight our own battles. (Which is what some parenting books *cough* *cough* Siblings Without Rivalry would have you believe.) Sadly enough, a non-responsive victim is the case where parents recognize sibling abuse the most. So you can't blame us for not defending ourselves! It's one of the best ways to get you to realize what's going on. We might be --understandably-- afraid. We might feel helpless, and like any attempt to defend ourselves will be futile. We might have believed you when you said "it takes two to make a fight," and feel guilty if we defend ourselves. We might know we'll get in trouble if we respond, so we decide it's not worth the effort.

The one who responds inappropriately: In a case where a victim responds by bullying back, we still need you to get real about the root cause. Yes, it's not respectful to insult someone, even if they insulted you first, BUT it still stands in the way of accountability to just punish the victim without understanding he might have been goaded. We need you to listen to our grievances BEFORE you give out punishments. Stand back and observe a little. Does one kid always tend to be angry when they attack, but the other is always smiling, and generally looking gleeful? Does one kid seem more hurt than the other? Can you tell what the intentions are behind their words? Is it revenge or a power trip? And above all else, LISTEN TO US. Believe it or not, children could give you the answers you're seeking.

In these cases, you also have a tendency to correct the victim more than the aggressor. I don't know exactly why this is, but maybe it has to do with the fact that you yourself also feel intimidated by the bully. You know on a certain level that correcting the bully will lead to more resistance, while correcting us will not. You need to fully acknowledge the aggressor's part. Make yourself learn all the ways he or she taunts, teases, belittles, and embarrasses us. And hold them accountable. Acknowledging these parts will ultimately lead to a better correction plan--one that truly takes all aspects of the fighting into account.

Seek for understanding. It will help you find more--and better--solutions.

Multi-Faceted Healing Approach

One of the most unhelpful things I did in trying to heal was going to therapy.

I'm serious. Therapy did way more harm than good. 

There are several reasons why this was the case, and I won't go into them all. In general, though, I felt like my therapist's approach was not empowering, but blaming and shaming. He did not validate my feelings, but dismissed them. That is not therapy. And if a therapist out there reading this disagrees, then I say that should not be therapy. One of the purposes of therapy should be to make you feel better. If it's not making you feel better, but worse, why go?  

What I learned from my terrible therapist is that we are in charge of our own healing. We shouldn't be looking to some sort of outside source to make us feel better. We need to do that ourselves.

....But how do we do that?

There is no one way to heal our wounds. There are actually many, many ways to do that. In fact, healing most likely involves three or four or five or more different methods. And if you strongly feel that therapy is one of them for you, by all means, do that. Here is a list of ideas we can use for healing: 

1. Therapy - Yes, I put this first. Not because I agree with it, but because this is often the first one that comes to mind. I encourage you to try out therapy, but if you don't like your therapist, or if you don't think it's working, run out of that office as fast as you can. Don't waste your time with an idiot or an asshole. 

2. Friends - One of the most helpful things for me was expressing my feelings to an empathetic listener, a.k.a. my friend. If you have a friend in your life who is a really good listener, take full advantage of it. Getting your feelings out and having them validated helps TREMENDOUSLY in trying to heal your shit. This will take some courage from you and some vulnerability, but if you have a truly supportive friend in your life, it will be worth it. 

3. Creative Outlet - Writing. Drawing. Dancing. Music. Creativity is a method many people use to soothe their souls. If you are a creative person yourself, creating works of art can be a helpful way to get your feelings out. 

4. Physical Activity - If it doesn't accomplish anything else, physical activity at least gets you doing something, instead of just bouncing your hurt feelings inside your head. It's a great way to physically release the pent-up anger inside you. This is my go-to method when my own demons attack. 

5. Truth - Speak your truth to the people who need to hear it. Your parents who didn't protect you, your siblings who abused you, and other adult figures in your life who egged on the abuse, or at least didn't encourage it to stop. This is very scary, and may take weeks, months, years of preparation. But if you do it, even if it doesn't accomplish anything else, at least they've heard your side of the story. And that matters a lot. 

6. Punishment - There are many ways to punish a wrongdoer. I've mentioned before about how I'm not against giving the abusers a taste of their own medicine. There are other ways to punish them as well. Cutting them out of your life is one method. Do it temporarily or permanently. Send them a signal that you're holding them accountable for what they did. There will be consequences for this, yes, but I found that those consequences were worth the price of healing myself.

7. Forgiveness - I know you hate this word. And I still feel strongly that you should only forgive once you're ready to forgive. But if you reach a place (like I did) where you're like...."O.K. I might be ready to try experimenting with this whole 'letting go' thing," do it. It feels great. And I need to give you the standard "forgiveness lecture" (I'm sorry): Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what they did was right. It just means giving yourself a break, and not letting their toxicity damage you anymore. 

6. Let the World Punish Them - I saved this one for last, because it's the one you have no control over. I'm just putting it in here as something to keep in mind. In a few families, I noticed that the abusive sibling sort of had the world punish them. In one family I know of, a bully older sister saw the error of her ways when she moved to one of the meanest cities in America. Being around the constant hostility served her a great big piece of humble pie....and she was never mean again. There are many, many ways the world will humble us. And as big kids grow into adults, a lot of them receive this humbling. Just keep in mind that sometimes, things have a way of working themselves out, and all you have to do is sit back and watch (and enjoy). 

So those are just a few things to keep in mind, wherever you are in your journey. In general, do what feels right to you. You are the captain of your ship. And in time, you'll find healing.

Another Way to Tell

So I recently had an insight...

Something one sibling abuse expert has said is that, when trying to determine if a sibling is being abusive, disregard the emotions. Separate the emotions from the behavior, and look at the behavior itself. 

That's sound advice.

But I think that where a lot of parents miss the signs of bullying is thinking that both kids are "equally contributing to it" because the victim child is fighting back. 

Something else parents should try is looking at the emotions. 

Often, in families where it looks like both kids are being mean to each other, you can still tell that one is the abuser and the other the abused. How? The abusive one is mainly doing what she's doing for fun. Is she smiling when she's insulting her brother? Is he laughing when he's teasing the other one? If you can see a smile on the child's face, then you've spotted the bully, whose motivation is power.

The abused, on the other hand, often does what she's doing out of anger. If there's a hurt tone of voice, if he doesn't look happy, then that's the victim. His motivation isn't power--it's revenge.  

Yes, disrespect should not be allowed. From either party. But I firmly believe we need to get real about the root cause. In many families, the disrespect can be traced back to one party in particular: the one who thinks it's fun to be mean. 

Don't just hold children equally accountable. Be honest about who's the main antagonist. Yes, victims should be taught to respond appropriately, but the burden does not fall on their shoulders. It is adult accountability that will really put an end to bullying (and consequently, the fighting), and this accountability needs to target the ones who are accountable. 

The No-Blame Game

A while ago, I was dealing with  a bully coworker. I didn't know what to do, because all of my attempts to stand up to bullies in the past have not gone so well. I was surfing the Net, looking for any smidgen of advice I could find. I came across this website, which offers pretty helpful advice in fighting back workplace bullies. One of the tips that really resonated with me concerned advance preparation. It said something along the lines of "be prepared for your colleagues to say that what's going on is a 'personality conflict' between you and the bully."

I had suspected that was going to happen. People never want to admit that one party really is to blame. 

You hear over and over again from people to not "play the blame game." This infamous Blame Game. Tell me really, though, how often have you seen people play this?
I wonder if we sometimes suffer from the reverse problem--not that we blame too much but that we shy away from blame. We play the no-blame game. We're afraid to put blame where blame is due.

Why do we do this?

I think there are two reasons. The first is that we're afraid of danger (for lack of a better word). Every party is always both wrong, both right, so we can heave a sigh of relief and go on our merry way. Because if one party was wrong, we would have to deal with an uncomfortable imbalance in our world. That imbalance is unsettling to us, and we don't want it to exist.

The second reason is we secretly believe we're more "enlightened" thinking blame is always evenly dispersed. It's mature...isn't it?...to disperse blame evenly. To see both as guilty. Only a childish brat would think one side was right and the other was wrong. You're a wiser, more sophisticated person for always believing blame belongs to both sides.

This needs to change. We need to get real that some people intentionally harm others, either out of a lack of awareness, a lack of empathy, or a genuine desire to cause harm. And in response to that harm, it is appropriate--even necessary--for a victim to rise up. Victims should respond assertively and appropriately according to the situation. And they often do. The larger problem is not the victims' response.

Bystanders need to change their response to how they handle these situations. When they see the unmistakable signs of one person abusing another, they need to do a few different things. The first is that we need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable

There is room for not picking sides while simultaneously holding a guilty party accountable. The trick is to focus on words, actions and intentions. Is either person name-calling, insulting, intimidating, belittling, or embarrassing the other party? These actions are never acceptable. Hold them accountable. What's their intention behind the action? Do they have a genuine problem, or do they just want a power trip? Look out for "reacting" vs. "seeking out." Reacting to a problem (in an acceptable way) is fine. Constantly seeking out a reason to pick on someone is not.

Parents need to be open to the idea of guilty parties. It's not as simple as "both parties are equally to blame all the time." Sometimes there's a guilty party. Sometimes there's not.  When there's a guilty party, that person needs to be held accountable. Finding this person is the first step to attaining equilibrium.