Three Types of Victims

Okay, parents. There are some things we survivors of sibling abuse need you to get straight.

In general, there are three types of victims in sibling abuse cases. Knowing these types will help you suss out what's really going on in your home.

The one who responds appropriately: It's not always the case that we're "equally contributing" to the caterwaul you hear going on daily. Yes, you like to dismiss the fights like that, but we need you to examine them a little closer. When we respond to uncalled-for attacks, we are exercising our basic human right to defend ourselves. We have a right to respect. And it is your job to recognize if a sibling is intentionally provoking us.

The one who does not respond: On the other side of the coin, if we don't defend ourselves, it doesn't mean we're weaklings who need to learn to fight our own battles. (Which is what some parenting books *cough* *cough* Siblings Without Rivalry would have you believe.) Sadly enough, a non-responsive victim is the case where parents recognize sibling abuse the most. So you can't blame us for not defending ourselves! It's one of the best ways to get you to realize what's going on. We might be --understandably-- afraid. We might feel helpless, and like any attempt to defend ourselves will be futile. We might have believed you when you said "it takes two to make a fight," and feel guilty if we defend ourselves. We might know we'll get in trouble if we respond, so we decide it's not worth the effort.

The one who responds inappropriately: In a case where a victim responds by bullying back, we still need you to get real about the root cause. Yes, it's not respectful to insult someone, even if they insulted you first, BUT it still stands in the way of accountability to just punish the victim without understanding he might have been goaded. We need you to listen to our grievances BEFORE you give out punishments. Stand back and observe a little. Does one kid always tend to be angry when they attack, but the other is always smiling, and generally looking gleeful? Does one kid seem more hurt than the other? Can you tell what the intentions are behind their words? Is it revenge or a power trip? And above all else, LISTEN TO US. Believe it or not, children could give you the answers you're seeking.

In these cases, you also have a tendency to correct the victim more than the aggressor. I don't know exactly why this is, but maybe it has to do with the fact that you yourself also feel intimidated by the bully. You know on a certain level that correcting the bully will lead to more resistance, while correcting us will not. You need to fully acknowledge the aggressor's part. Make yourself learn all the ways he or she taunts, teases, belittles, and embarrasses us. And hold them accountable. Acknowledging these parts will ultimately lead to a better correction plan--one that truly takes all aspects of the fighting into account.

Seek for understanding. It will help you find more--and better--solutions.

It Can Happen to Anybody. . .

I hate trite, overused sayings. But there's one phrase where I'll make an exception. "It can happen to anybody," applies perfectly to victims of sibling abuse. Often used after an unfortunate event befalls an otherwise capable person, the phrase "it can happen to anybody" means that bad stuff can happen to the best of us. Misfortune does not discriminate. Being smart or tough or brave or kind or rich or hard-working or quick or talented or anything else will not always protect you. Life is evil, and does not care how much you've paid your dues. When it decides to smite you, you don't stand a chance. So when bad things happen, you are not automatically to blame.

Many people think differently. After hearing about something horrible that happened to an acquaintance of theirs, these people will chalk it up to being the victim's fault. They want to distance themselves from the truth that something equally bad can happen to them. And in a weird mirroring of this belief, victims blame themselves, but for different reasons. We want to believe that as long as we are good and strong, we are invincible. Nothing bad can happen to us so long as we play our cards right. And if something terrible does happen, it must have been our fault. Because if it wasn't, and life really was just pure randomness, then it means we are powerless in the face of evil.

The sad truth is that, in many situations, we are powerless. This is especially true when we're children. When we're children, we are victims of circumstance. We are randomly assigned a family, and we are victims of our parents' action--or inaction. We are also victims of who our siblings turn out to be. In all my observations of families experiencing sibling abuse, something has become clear: anyone can be a victim, and anyone can be an aggressor.

One family I know of had interesting personality combinations with their children. Their older child was a quiet nerd. The younger child was a social butterfly. As they grew older, these differences became more pronounced. By middle school, the older daughter's nerdy tendencies had made her an outcast. The younger daughter quickly moved up the social hierarchy and became a cheerleader in high school.

As anyone familiar with high school stereotypes will tell you, traditionally the cheerleaders and jocks pick on the nerds. Cheerleaders are "winners" and nerds are "losers" in fantasy high school land. (In reality, I didn't find this to be the case, but it's a fitting metaphor, so I'm going to use it.) Exactly the opposite happened in this particular family.

The older daughter, the nerd, picked on the cheerleader.

As I've said before, there are a few common reasons why a sibling becomes a bully. In this family's case, the older child became a bully because of her insecurity. She was a loner at school who was picked on by other kids because of her poor social skills and weird habits. To rectify her insecurity, she abused her sister, giving herself a power trip and temporarily relieving herself of her own self-hatred.

This ironic situation is not an isolated incident. I have seen other families where an otherwise strong, assertive person found themselves a target of bullying. Like the family in A Case Study, the primary target was an assertive, independent, straightforward individual. One thing she never did in response to the bullying was ignore it. She always took a stand, always made sure to correct Allen when he was bothering her. This was done at the expense of the parents saying, "stop fighting!!!!!!," but she didn't back down. Her responses, however, were not successful.

Beating a bully has nothing to do with how "strong" the victim is. Even secure, confident people can be attacked. I've said this before and I'll say it again: To beat a sibling bully, parental action is crucial. Kids cannot do it on their own. A bully needs to be held accountable by an authority figure. He or she won't obey a peer.

And another, equally powerful message must also be conveyed: If you were a victim of sibling abuse, it wasn't your fault. Nobody asks to be bullied or "invites" bullying. Bullies will bully if they want to. It doesn't say anything about your character if you happened to be a target. Bullying, like any other trauma in the world, can happen to anybody.