Water Under the Bridge?

Nothing aggravates me more than people saying what happened to me was "in the past,"--implying
that I should get over it. The people who say this are usually bitter family members, angry at the fact that I am still angry. But I think they are the ones who need to get over it. They need to deal with the fact that I am still carrying a lot of pain--and always will be, to some extent.

These people claim the past isn't around anymore--like water flowing under a bridge. You are still there, solid as a rock, but what happened to you is no longer there, and therefore you should be done with it. They don't understand how much the past affects the present, how much something that happened "in the past" can still affect you deeply now.

In my life, I have come across people in their forties, fifties, and older who are dealing with the very real, very damaging consequences of sibling abuse. That so many people are still in agony speaks to me on a deep level--it tells me that what happened "in the past" still deeply affects their lives in the present.

One college professor I had was clearly still reeling from the effects of sibling abuse. During lecture, he would often mention how his older brother would tease him. One day, he told a story about how his family went to some sort of Chuck E. Cheese-like place, and he won a stuffed animal, and his brother teased him mercilessly for winning "a girl's toy."

Such a story may seem like "no big deal" to some, but had the same teasing comment been leveled at the older brother, I'm sure he would have thought it was a VERY big deal--and pummeled the younger brother in response. And he would still remember the story to this day. And it wouldn't be "in the past" to him.

I've mentioned before that I'm good at reading people. Well, I could tell that this professor was damaged in other ways. He was very insecure, and put on a confident air to cover it up. He was also clearly ashamed of what had happened to him--thinking that bullying like this wouldn't have happened to a stronger person. That he must have been a real weakling to have been picked on so extensively. He was also divorced, and I'm sure his failed marriage had something to do with his past.

Something I've noticed about people making dismissive remarks: such traumas have clearly never happened to them. For if they had, they would never dream of telling me that I should just get over it. There is no "getting over" what happened to you. Not really. You get through it, and the trauma changes shape, but it never completely disappears.

Sibling abuse will likely always affect you in one way or another. That doesn't mean you just need to "let go" or "get over it." It means you're a human being who has been traumatized, and you're dealing with that trauma the best way you can. There is no getting over the past. The past absolutely affects the present, and your job is to learn ways to manage your past without letting it overcome you. Don't let anyone tell you differently.