My Story

To date, I have not yet shared my personal experience with you. A few snippets of "my story" have appeared in some of my other posts, but none of them have fully covered everything I went through. So brace yourself as I tell you all about how sibling abuse has affected me. (Fair warning: some of the following incidents may be triggering to some of you. I won't mind if you skip my story altogether and post your own in the comments below.)

So here goes. (deep breath)

I must first give you some family background. It is important to know that I come from a very large family. While I won't reveal the exact number, I will tell you that we're not quite Duggar-status, but we're enough to turn heads in public places. I am also not the very youngest child in my family, but I was still bullied by my two older siblings. They teased, taunted and tortured me with no mercy. The abuse was never physical or sexual in nature, but that doesn't mean it didn't traumatize me. To this day, I still feel angry whenever I remember what they did. 

After about a year of researching sibling abuse and bullying in general, I have come up with a couple of theories as to why it happened. One of the most important factors in my case was the fact that my parents were uninvolved. If you have not yet read my previous post on uninvolved parenting, I'll give you a brief synopsis of what it is. Parents who are uninvolved are parents who are essentially neglecting their children. They provide little supervision, interest, or involvement in their children's lives, and may not even adequately fulfill their children's needs. This was my family in a nutshell. 

My mother was constantly praised for parenting such a large family, and the other mothers would ask her in amazement how she "did it all." The fact was, she didn't do it all. She didn't even try to do it all. When I think back to my childhood, I think my mother thought that because it was impossible to give all of us the attention we needed, she didn't even have to try. Having a big family, to her, was an excuse to not try. And this lack of trying often meant neglect.

At my elementary school, we would gather outside in the courtyard every day for morning announcements before shuffling off to our classrooms. I remember being in second grade and freezing my ass off--because my mother never made sure I had a jacket on. I don't think I even had a jacket. I remember having a jacket at one point, a purple windbreaker, which was new (rare in my family), and which I wore religiously while it was still in my possession. But I lost it once, and my mom never found me a new one.

My clothes were all hand-me-downs (I honestly think that purple windbreaker was the single new piece of clothing I owned until at least middle school) and didn't fit me. I remember thinking, even as a young child, "When I grow up, my kids are going to have clothes that fit!" I was in high school before I had clothes that fit me. I went up to my mom one day early in my freshman year and told her, "Mom, all of my jeans are from fifth grade, we need to go shopping now." And we went. I still remember how good it felt, trying on pants in the store's dressing room. I was thinking to myself, "clothes that fit! Clothes that fit!" I was ecstatic.

Research has shown that my parents' style of uninvolvement will yield sibling emotional abuse in families. I believe that is exactly what caused the bullying in mine. Looking back, I think my two older sisters felt very insecure and dealt with these insecurities by taking them out on me (and later on, on my next younger siblings). One of my older sisters jumped at every opportunity to embarrass me. I was at a church potluck one day, and she, my mother and I were in line serving our plates. She gets to the beans, looks back at me, and says pretty loudly--and right in front of my mother--"Sybil, don't take any beans. They always make you fart." 

What did my mother say to this? Well first, she LAUGHED and then said, "Oh, guess who shares a room!" to the onlookers. This was a common theme with my parents: they never protected me, and never held the abusers accountable. If anything, they contributed to the bullying. Laughing about it was one of their favorite responses. (As well as saying "Stop fighting!" if I tried to stand up for myself.) 

As for my other older sibling, she was a different nutcase altogether. She was the very oldest in the family, and in addition to being mean, she was extremely self-centered. She knew how to get her way by forcefully bludgeoning others into bowing to her will. She twisted others into giving her what she wanted by using manipulation, humiliation and intimidation. Towards my teen years, I really started cutting her out of my life, and by the time I was in high school I hardly spoke to her at all. That didn't stop her from being mean to my younger siblings. 

Alex, one of my younger siblings, failed her driver's test the first time, and scheduled her next one a few months later. Alex's 17th birthday fell over winter break, when my oldest sister was home, and birthday traditions in our family always require an "interview session" of what has happened during the prior year in front of a camera. During her little interview, Alex said something along the lines of, "I'm taking my driver's test soon..." and then my oldest sibling interrupted and said, in her snarky way, "are you taking it or are you re-taking it?" I wanted to throttle her. 

All of this bullying affected me horribly in many different ways. The most horrible effect, I think, was the emotional damage inflicted upon me. In my teen years (which are never easy), I experienced the worst depression I believe I will ever experience in my life. It started when I was almost fifteen and continued until I was about nineteen, and was nothing short of awful. No, "awful" is not a strong enough word. To give you an impression of just how truly miserable those years were, let me tell you this: I calculated (okay, Googled) the hours there are in 3.5 years. It's about 30,681 hours. For me, that was 30,681 hours of either crying or holding back tears. I am not exaggerating. I think I cried myself to sleep almost every single night. 

And when the depression was over, the anger began. For about three years after the three awful years of depression, I walked around feeling very, very angry. Like wanting to kill people angry. I would clench my fists and bite the inside of my lips. I wanted to yell and scream at everyone, especially the people who abused me and the parents who didn't protect me.    

As I grew up, I really wanted to give my siblings a taste of their own medicine. And I did, just a little bit. My second oldest sister once made fun of me one Easter because of how I was wearing my hair. She said it made me look like a hooker. So, a few years later, when I caught her wearing her hair the same way, I went up to her and told her the exact same thing. "I love your hooker hair," I said. She looked at me sort of funny, and said, "This isn't hooker hair, it's just normal hair." I looked back at her and said, "Oh really? Because you thought mine was hooker hair whenever I wore my hair like that." It ended there, and I never again felt a pang of shame or anger when I wore that hairstyle. 

Another time, my oldest sister was making fun of the way my mom was driving (my mom is known for being a bit of a speed demon). Just a few days later, this same sister was driving equally badly, and I went up to her and said it to her face. "You're just as bad as Mom," I told her simply. It was as if I had slapped her. "What?!" she shouted. She looked extremely offended. "I'm better than you are!" she shouted at my retreating back as I walked away from her. This was further proof to me that my siblings really had crossed the line with their teasing, and my hatred of them was not just "super-sensitivity." I didn't even say anything that mean to you! I thought to myself, And you're blowing up at me! 

There were other problems that contributed to the abuse too, like my parents being in denial. Years later, in therapy, my father would admit, "You know, I've seen it, I've excused it, I've thought 'oh you know, a big family,' but no, no more." I felt a mixture of emotions after hearing that. I was glad my parents finally admitted that something was wrong. I was a little bit surprised to find out that they had known there was a problem. In my naive, childish mind I had thought that if my parents weren't saying anything about it, they didn't know it was going on. I felt validated. I knew that I wasn't going crazy after all, that other people had noticed there was a problem too. And I felt disappointed. All this time you knew there was a problem, and you didn't say anything about it, I thought to myself.

Today, I am picking up the pieces. My second oldest sister and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship. She apologized a few years ago, and has shown true remorse for what she did. Once on Facebook, Alex posted a selfie with the same hairstyle that my second oldest sister had made fun of me for. This sister wrote in a reply, "Alex, can you guess what that hairstyle has written all over it? _O_K_R!" In a comment below that, she posted, "Looker! (Not 'hooker!')." That's what's made me happy about that sibling. She has found different ways to apologize. 

My oldest sibling is a different story. She apologized...ish. But her actions never matched her words. Even after "apologizing," she continued to bully my siblings. I eventually decided that enough was enough. She has been unfriended and blocked on my Facebook for over a year, and I no longer speak to her. She will be getting married soon, and I have already told both her and my parents that I am not going to the wedding. I told her recently that I no longer trust her or love her, and that years of having been abused by her has made her lose a relationship with me. 

I started this blog in January of 2013 because I felt like this topic was in serious need of discussion. Many, many children are suffering at the hands of their brothers and sisters, and many, many parents are not doing a thing about it. I hope that in sharing my story I can shed some light on this issue and inspire you to share yours.

So what's your story? What has brought you to War on Sibling Abuse? Please comment below... 
          
  

And Yet Another Reason: Uninvolved Parenting

In these three posts I've so far written (which I'm now making into a series) about the reasons why siblings become abusive, I've not yet talked about one of the most important factors: uninvolved parenting. I've mentioned once or twice before that uninvolved parenting is the surefire way to ensure a family will experience sibling abuse. Regardless of the children's personalities. Even if the children born contain the least jealous, most flexibile, most confident, and generally nicest genes children can possess, if the parents are uninvolved, the older one--or the more aggressive or powerful one--will become an abuser. In other words: uninvolved parenting = sibling abuse, guaranteed. But what is uninvolved parenting? How do I know that parental uninvolvement is the key to creating sibling abuse? And, most importantly, why does parental uninvolvement cause sibling abuse? 

These are wonderful questions that I am happy to answer. So first, let's define uninvolved parenting: This online article gives a nice summary of what it is. But if you didn't click on the link, I'll provide a nice summary for you. Uninvolved parents: 

•  are emotionally distant from their children
• provide little supervision for their children
• show little affection
• have few demands and low to no expectations for behavior
• are being neglectful
• are generally absent from their children's lives--don't attend parent-teacher conferences, school events, etc.
• may intentionally avoid their children
• can be too caught up in their own problems to pay attention to their children

As to why such parenting results in sibling abuse, there are several possible answers. The first one is that uninvolved parenting often yields insecurity in children, and children with low self-esteem are more likely to pick on others in order to build themselves up. But that's not the entire answer. I have seen a few different families where the parents were uninvolved, and the abusive sibling was not always insecure.

One of the ways in which I found my uninvolved parenting=sibling abuse formula was by observing one of my close friends, Maria and her interactions with her younger sister, Sasha. I met Maria when she and I were in elementary school. Maria was a lot like me; shy, quiet, friendly, and above all, nice. If you observed her in the classroom, on the playground, on the bus, with her friends, with her teachers, and with other classmates, you would never, ever, ever suspect that she was a bully at home. Ever. She, like me, was one of those good little girls in school. Always following the rules. Never speaking out of turn. Never doing anything at all to upset anyone. 

She was quite a different way at home.

Before I get into that, however, I should tell you more about her life at home. I didn't suspect it then, but when I look back on our childhood together, I can spot some signs that Maria came from a home of uninvolved parents. Maria often came to school in mismatched clothing that fit her poorly. At our middle school, if a girl was caught wearing spaghetti straps, the administration would make her sport the oh-so-stylish, baggy, ugly "Drug Free" T-shirt from our school's version of the D.A.R.E. program for the rest of the day. We all owned some copy of this shirt at home, and Maria frequently wore it. Not because she was being punished. Because she had nothing else to wear. 

I remember one weekend, Maria and I had made plans to see a PG-13 movie at our local movie theater. It was a big deal for us, because we were in either seventh or eighth grade and had just turned thirteen. When my mom dropped me off at the theater, I was surprised to see both Maria and Sasha standing in the movie theater lobby. Alone. No Mom in sight. Their mother had simply used Maria's and my get-together as an opportunity to get rid of both her daughters for two hours. What's more, Sasha is five years younger than Maria. At the age of eight, she was much too young to be seeing a PG-13 movie with us.

When I saw Maria and Sasha together, I often saw Maria picking on Sasha. For no good reason. I still remember how angry I felt whenever I saw Maria teasing Sasha and then Sasha recoiling in fear. She's not doing anything to you! I would think to myself. Why are you picking on her? 

Maria and Sasha fit the textbook definition of sibling abuse: Sasha was always the victim, was frightened of Maria, and Maria was always the aggressor, always attacking with no provocation.

Was Maria insecure? Not even. I would say she was a little bit quiet, but she never gave off an aura of self-loathing like a lot of insecure people I know (and I am very good at reading people). No, Maria was a normal girl with average self-esteem. It wasn't self-hatred that drove her to pick on her (much younger, much smaller) sister.

So what was it then? What drove Maria to become an abuser? What did her uninvolved parents have to do with it? 

I believe that when parents are uninvolved, they open the doors to an evil little monster lurking in all of us, and especially in children: the power-hungry ego. When children are almost completely unsupervised, when there are no consequences for their actions, when their parents are hardly ever home, there is nothing stopping their power-hungry egos from bursting out. When they see someone younger and smaller than they are, it is just too tempting to exert their power over this defenseless creature. Power feels good, after all. As I've said before, there is almost nothing we like better than having our egos stroked. And when there are practically zero repercussions for making ourselves powerful in a negative way, we go ahead and do it. Because, especially to a small child, if it feels good, it means they should do it.

Now, in this case, there actually were repercussions. Sasha grew up. And she was angry. And she dished back to Maria everything Maria had ever served to her. And (to both my satisfaction and frustration), Maria protested loudly. At one point, I remember her saying to Sasha, "You verbally abuse me!" Oh does she? I remember thinking to myself, I wonder where she learned it from. 

Today, the sisters have burned their old bridges and built new ones. And now they're best friends. I don't know the story behind what made them get to where they are today, but I'd like to think that Maria learned the errors of her ways, and apologized for them. I'd like to think that Sasha stomped her power-hungry ego to the ground, and then Maria closed the gates to the evil monster herself. If parents leave those gates wide open, something else will come along to teach the child to shut them.     

      

Once upon a Time

Once upon a time, there was a family that lived in the beautiful land of Suburbia. This was a typical family of

the kingdom, comprised of a mother, a father and two sons, Jack and Aaron. They lived in a magnificent 4-bedroom dwelling situated in the best school district of all the land. To outsiders, their lives seemed perfectly normal. The parents were devoted, loving people who dedicated their spare time to endless PTA meetings, homework drills, chore power struggles, and battles over Internet, television and cell phone usage. This family certainly experienced nothing worse than the typical, standard problems all families faced. The other villagers thought there was no way they were harboring any dark secrets.

But they were wrong.

From the time the children woke up in the morning to when the sun went down, the older brother was dedicated to making the younger brother's life a living hell. The elder teased, tormented and traumatized the younger every opportunity he found. He found all sorts of names to call his brother, like "wimp," "loser," "weakling," "dumb-fuck," "sissy," "string-bean," and "ass-face." Oh, he especially loved the word "ass." He attached it to many of the names he called Aaron: "dumb-ass," "weak-ass," "limp-ass," "crazy-ass." If it sounded good, he said it.

The parents were at a loss. They had no idea what to do! Every time they saw Jack tormenting Aaron, they got really angry. But all of their threats, pleas and badgering had no effect. Despite his parents' warnings, shouts and tears, Jack continued being mean to Aaron, because he thought it was fun.

One night during dinner, Jack became such a bully that the mother, father and Aaron simultaneously exploded at him.

"JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, MISTER!!!" screamed the father.

"HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF WE STARTED CALLING YOU NAMES?" shouted the mother.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!" bellowed Aaron.

Jack just laughed at them.

"You think you three can stop I, the all-powerful JACK?" He proclaimed. "I'd like to see you try!"

Unbeknownst to Jack, Father, Mother and Aaron quietly accepted his challenge.

The next day, the three of them decided to give Jack a taste of his own medicine. They started by using Jack's favorite weapon against him. It started at breakfast.

"Hey, Jack-ass," said Aaron. "Isn't that the third time this week you've had bacon for breakfast? Are you turning into a pig?"

Jack didn't like this new treatment at all.
"Stop that!" He screamed. He took a blow at Aaron.

But Aaron ducked, and continued with his long-awaited retaliation.
"Oink! Oink oink oink!" He cried with glee, a satisfied smirk on his face. It was funny Jack thought teasing was a big deal now that it was happening to him.

Mother walked into the kitchen. Inwardly, Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Here was someone who would rescue him!

"Mom! Tell Aaron to stop!" Pleaded Jack.

"Oh, Jack-ass," said Mother (Jack-ass raised his eyebrows). "You know that you deserve this. Don't act like the innocent victim. All those years of tormenting others, and you were sure to be tormented yourself."

Before Jack-ass could absorb the shock of this statement, his father walked into the kitchen. Maybe he could help! But before Jack-ass could ask for help, Father started up:

"Good morning Jack-ASS!" He cried. "I see you're hogging all the bacon. Do we have a pig in the family? Oh wait, I forgot. You're already a pig." He walked over to Jack-ass and took the bacon out of his hands.
"You won't be needing this anymore. We got some new food for you."

Father disappeared into the pantry for a few seconds, and came back lugging a huge bag behind him.
"This," he said, "Is everything that has been in our garden compost over the past month. You've always been a pig, Jack-ass: railing on your brother and using every tactic you can to dominate him. If you're going to act like a pig, then you're going to eat like a pig."

Jack-ass had a look of utter shock, disgust and fear in his eyes.

"EAT UP!" yelled father, and piled a heaping mass of compost on Jack-ass's plate.

"EW!" yelled Jack. "I'm not eating that shit!" And he ran out of the house, never to return.

"Good riddance!" said the mother.

"Yeah," agreed the father. He looked questioningly at the mother. "Why did we even have a worthless piece of shit like that anyway?"

"I have no idea," said Aaron. "But I'm glad he's gone now."

The three family members cleaned up the compost, washed up, and then sat down for a peaceful, happy breakfast together. They moved on with their lives, never to hear or speak of Jack-ass ever again. As for Jack-ass? Well, he became town legend, and when the villagers heard the rumors about why he ran away, they began to use his name as an insult. If someone was ever being especially mean, rude or crass, that person was then labeled a "jackass." The name-calling that Jack had once mercilessly heaped upon others was now coming back to haunt him--even his own name was not honored.

As for Jack-ass himself? He starved to death. Good riddance.

  

Gender Gap

Girls and boys are different. We all know that. I could probably name a billion differences off the top of my head. One of these differences is how the two genders view power. Or rather, how much they crave it. We all know that in our patriarchal society, boys both have and crave power a lot more than girls do. Which is why it should come as no surprise that a recent study found that older brothers are more likely to be bullies than older sisters.

This is something that I've been suspicious about for a little bit now. I had always known that sibling abuse can often be about power, plain and simple; that some older siblings bully simply because it strokes their ego. I have also always known that males tend to seek power more than females do. Putting two and two together, I began to ask myself if older brothers were more likely to bully than older sisters, and if there was any research showing this relationship. To Google I went, and up popped the above study.

The reason I was searching for a study showing the relationship rather than trusting my own experience is because I knew that a study would provide a better sample for what I was searching. Because in real life, I know just as many older sisters as older brothers who are mean for just plain fun. And I really do mean just for fun. Having observed countless families over the decades, I can tell the difference between bullying out of insecurity, out of inflexibility, out of jealousy, and just for entertainment. And I can name a handful of mean older sisters whom I can confidently put in the "just for entertainment" bullying category.

So girls are by no means completely excluded from the "doing-it-because-I-think-it's-funny" type of bully.

But the fact that research has shown that older brothers are more likely than older sisters to verbally abuse their younger siblings tells us something about sibling abuse: that some of it really is done, in fact, for the sake of power. It has proven the hypothesis that sibling abuse derives from a desire for power, because one of the variables--boys--possesses more power than girls, the other variable. 

But aside from the direct findings of this study, I wanted to bring up something else that this research triggered in me. And that is how gender relates to other down-the-road consequences of sibling abuse. In regards to the bullies, I have noticed another gender difference: sister bullies are more likely to see the errors of their ways--and apologize for them--than brother bullies. It's a strange phenomenon that I've witnessed a few times already. A mean girl will grow up, meet the real world head-on, and come back home having been humbled immensely, with a newfound understanding of The Golden Rule. Boys not so much. I was in class once, and my professor was going off on a tangent (he was really The Tangent Type) and talking to us about his childhood. He was saying something along the lines of, "Older brothers like to pick on younger brothers..." And then a guy in my class, who I already knew was a brother bully, interrupted him and said loudly, "Until the younger brother grows up and starts picking on the older brother!" I didn't say anything to him, but I was thinking angrily to myself, Oh aren't you the innocent victim! Here was a guy who refused to admit to any wrongdoing--who firmly believed himself to be entitled to treating others however he wished without them doing the same to him. Ugghhh. Boys. Boys boys boys. 

And then there's another gender difference I've noticed, and this one is in regard to the victims. Younger sisters who were bullied definitely struggle with all of the long-term effects of sibling abuse, but I've noticed that younger brothers who were victims can have an even harder time. As a female myself, I am well-acquainted with the way society oppresses women. But (and my feminist side is screaming at me for typing this), there's a bright side to this oppression. As females, we are expected, even encouraged, to be weak. We've got to attract that Prince Charming after all, and there's nothing better than falling into safe, strong arms that will protect us from harm. (So, to soothe my inner-feminist's wrath, I guess I can say that this is hardly a "bright side" to oppression, if being oppressed just makes oppression easier to bear.) If a female is a victim, it's no big deal. 

With males it's different. Men are supposed to be strong. They must search for power in every way they can, because if they don't attain it then they are. . . something less than human. Something worthless. Bullying does more than make a victim angry--it strips them of their power and dignity. And when you are male, that is just about the worst thing that can happen to you. In many male survivors of sibling abuse, I have noticed something deeper than anger inside them. There's also an intense feeling of emasculation--a shame and humiliation of a degree many females do not experience.

This new finding has convinced me even more that gender equality is something we must continue to strive toward. For if we do, many benefits will come from it. "Gender equality" in regards to families is often about a more equal role between husband and wife, but it should also be about better expectations for the way older brothers conduct themselves. And this, not just parenting roles, will also result in a happier family.        

"But That's Normal"

I don't talk about my experience with sibling abuse that often to people I know in real life. I have only found a few trustworthy people regarding this issue. But whenever I do open up about my past, the response I get is usually the same. A little chuckle, a flicker of the hand as if swatting away a fly, and then the phrase, "Oh, but that's normal." 

These people don't mean to belittle my feelings. Far from it, actually. They, too, see the mean things siblings say and do to each other, and a little part of them is appalled at the behavior. But they have adopted the usual response regarding sibling issues: the belief that what they're seeing is normal. Why do people think this? 

Part of the problem is that we have not yet distinguished between the many different parts that comprise sibling rivalry. Another part is that "sibling rivalry" is too broad of a category. When we say "sibling rivalry," what exactly do we mean? 

In the past, "sibling rivalry" has been a broad category for everything siblings do to "make each other miserable" (you hear that one a lot, too). "Sibling rivalry" is the phrase we use for the expected bickering over property, but it's also what we use when we talk about jealousy between siblings. It's about the competition between siblings; both to be "better" than the other and to compete for the parents' love and attention. It's the phrase we use when we talk about younger siblings being pests and older siblings being mean (wait a minute...are we allowed to say that older siblings are mean? Is that a thing yet? Or are they still perfect little angels who can do no wrong?) And all of these actions have been labeled "sibling rivalry," which in turn has been labeled "normal." 

"Sibling rivalry is normal" is part of a larger syllogism guiding the current thoughts about fighting between siblings: 

 Things that are acceptable are things that are normal.

Sibling rivalry is normal.

Therefore, sibling rivalry is acceptable. 

Do I think that fighting between siblings is normal? Absolutely. Do I think that some of it is acceptable? Again, absolutely. Actually, I wish my parents had thought that fighting between siblings was acceptable, because whenever my siblings and I fought, their most helpful reaction was to tell us to stop fighting. Which was not helpful at all. 

When parents embrace some amount of arguing as normal, their children benefit. We all need to build conflict-resolution skills in life, and these don't come from parents shutting their kids' fights down. 

But the problem is that not all of what we've so far called "sibling rivalry" is normal. Antagonizing a sibling for the fun of it is not normal. Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Violence and name-calling are not normal. Living in fear of a sibling is not normal. Teasing intended to embarrass or belittle is not normal. Among the standard quibbling between siblings is a sneaky little monster who thinks he can get away with his doings if he disguises himself as "sibling rivalry." It is our responsibility as a society to strip this beast of his disguise and call him out on his actions. And doing this will also help reduce the conflicts between siblings, as parents will rid themselves of the bullies in their families who so often provoke the fights. 

And how do we do that? By doing away with this generic prescription that we have foisted on all sibling doings. I suggest a new mantra, just a little bit different from the first, to enter into the Sibling Squabbles Zeitgeist for today. It's pretty simple. Ready for it? Here it is: "Not All of 'Sibling Rivalry' is Normal." That's it. Plain and simple. And when we embrace this mindset, parents are left to use their own common sense to figure out whether what's going on in their families is normal or not.   

A Taste of Their Own Medicine

The aftermath of sibling abuse can be very difficult indeed. There is not enough research out there to analyze all the long-lasting effects of having been traumatized by a relative. What can we do, as former victims, to support ourselves and give ourselves what we need so we can heal? Researchers have yet to find the answer to that question. However, some everyday folks think they have. For many former sibling abuse victims, a big part of the healing journey is growing up and giving their abuser a taste of their own medicine. In a process I call Attack Back, former victims march up to their oppressors and give them a nice dose of what they deserve. What does that accomplish? Quite a bit, actually. Here I have a few reasons why dishing back what your sibling dished out can have a positive effect, on both the abuser and the abused.    

A Release of Your Anger
One of the most immediate effects of Attacking Back (and also one of its driving forces) is the release of anger it provides the victim. One time, I was in my room, bubbling over with fury with memories of abuse. I decided to take matters into my own hands and write a nasty Facebook message on one of my siblings' walls. I knew there would be consequences (there were). I knew others would see her as the innocent victim (they did). But I'm glad I did it. Because the next day, I felt a huge relief. It was like all of my anger had disappeared. And it felt good. (A word of advice for anyone who has decided to Attack Back; for best results, try not to get third parties involved. It's better if there are no witnesses.) 

Providing Consequences
Even if Attacking Back accomplishes nothing else, it can provide the former victim with a sense of closure, that the aggressor has been punished. Something that has always bothered me about the concept of forgiveness is the lingering question of what happens to the aggressor. Do they get off scot-free? Especially if said aggressor is a family member, is it acceptable to carry on a relationship with this person by pretending nothing ever happened? Because that sounds more like denial than forgiveness to me. By providing consequences, the victim can take ownership of the relationship and give the aggressor an acceptable punishment for what he or she did.  

It Can Genuinely Be Helpful
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," says Gandhi. I beg to differ. In many life situations, not just with sibling abuse, I have seen positive consequences result from an aggressor receiving a taste of their own medicine. We all operate according to our own feelings. And part of the reason why survivors of emotional abuse develop a strong sense of empathy is because they understand how much it hurts to be picked on. In some families, I have seen aggressor siblings develop a true awareness of others' feelings once the victim-aggressor roles switched. Sometimes, it's not the sibling that provides this awareness, but the real world. Maybe it's moving to a rude city, or dealing with a jerk boss, but real-world consequences often open the eyes of a mean sibling who once thought that teasing was no big deal.    

Reaffirmation
One of the biggest reliefs for me when I started dishing back to my siblings what they had given to me was a sense that I had been right all along: what they had done to me had been wrong. You can easily convince yourself that you've just been "too sensitive" all these years. Teasing isn't that big of a deal, is it? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. When I saw my siblings' reactions, I saw reflected back at me my own emotions: shock, embarrassment, rage. I honestly didn't say something that mean to you, I would think to myself, and now you are feeling the exact same emotions that I always felt whenever you did the same to me. I would walk away with a sense of satisfaction, even more confident that what I was fighting against was something worth the fight. 

Ridding Yourself of Fear and Shame
When siblings bully, the memories attached to the bullying stick to the emotional messages. For example, maybe your sister made fun of a way you styled your hair. From then on, whenever you saw that hairstyle or wore your hair that way, you couldn't shake the memory of your sister bullying you. Something very normal, like a hairstyle, provoked feelings of anger in you. Something very similar happened to me. When I grew up and saw my sister carrying the same fashion statement she had made fun of me for, I went up to her and gave her the same snarky comment she had given to me. She got angry, but I walked away feeling satisfied. Whenever I saw that hairstyle again, it was just....a hairstyle. The negative emotions were no longer attached. 

Rebuild Relationship
As weird as it sounds, when a sibling decides to take revenge on their oppressor, it's often the go-light for the rebuilding of their relationship. In most families I have observed, the aftermath of the Attack Back was of course ugly, but it also was the action that cleared the air between the siblings. To the former abuser, the attacks served as a message, that the abused knows what the abuser did and will make them pay for it. What's probably the best message from the entire experience is the overall, "we're even now," that each side feels after the formerly abused rises up. For many siblings, Attack Back bridged the gap between them. Both were able to move on.   

Now, if you are reading this post, here's the question that is at the back of your mind. The question some of you are trying your utmost to avoid. Actually, it's really two questions. The first one is this: Is it absolutely necessary that I do this? And the second is this: If I don't seek revenge, what does that make me?

I don't have the answers to those questions. I cannot tell you if giving your sibling a taste of their own medicine is something you should do. But what I promise not to do is lecture you with ridiculous bullshit like, "Don't be the aggressor. Choose the higher road." That advice has never been helpful. Someone who is bubbling over with anger should never be told to repress their feelings. But I have a few questions for you to ask yourself to better help you decide what you should do.

The first is this: Has your sibling expressed remorse in any way? Sometimes mean siblings see the light all on their own, and don't need any extra help from you. I didn't have to be a bully to one of my siblings who had already seen the light and found ways to apologize for what she did. 

The second is this: Are you prepared for the consequences? Because there will be consequences. Your sibling will get angry with you. This can be satisfying, but it can also be frustrating, because your sibling will claim innocent victimhood when they are definitely not an innocent victim. Other people in your life may get involved, and may also side against you. To outsiders who don't know your story, you look like the bad guy, and they will try to intervene and pick sides against you as well. 

The third is this: Am I making the right decision for myself? Am I doing it because it feels right, or because I feel like I need to copy what I saw in someone else's family? Is there another option that appeals more strongly to me?  

If, after answering all of those questions, you feel you should Attack Back, go for it. I wish you luck, and hope you get what you need from it. 

An eye for an eye might make the whole world blind, but turning the other cheek will eventually kill us all. Whatever path you choose, I hope it's one that does not ignore evil, but turns to it and fights it head on.    

Survival Guide

There is nothing quite so soul-crushing as living with an abusive sibling (or two...or more). Every day can feel like a struggle for survival. You are constantly being pummeled, and it feels like there's nowhere for you to turn. Add unsupportive parents to that, and you have a real recipe for emotional trauma. You may be constantly telling yourself, I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. Well, hang in there. I have a few tips to pass on from my own experience of being a sibling abuse survivor. 


Take Care of Yourself

When you are in an emotionally fragile state, one of the best things you can do is simply take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Reduce the stress in your life. Eat healthily. Exercise. A brain that is already super-charged with heavy emotions will become ten times worse when it has not been given the tools it needs to function well. When other people are treating you terribly, you can treat yourself right. 

Do What You Can

I once saw a therapist who told me that my life was in my total control, and if something was going wrong, I had the total power to fix it. Bullshit. That is never true for any person, and that is especially not true when your parents are still in charge. The only advice I have is this: Take charge of the few things you can control. One of the best things you can do when you're dealing with sibling abuse is to tell your parents that it's bothering you.

Now, the majority of you just screamed at your computer, "But I HAVE told them!!!!!!!!" And I know, I was there too. Parents often minimize problems, or simply refuse to listen. However, there are a few communication techniques you can use to increase the chances of your parents hearing you out.

• be specific - Instead of telling your mom, "Megan always teases me!" use a concrete example. This is even better if your parents were there to witness it. You can tell your mom, "It really hurt my feelings when Megan made fun of me for how much I ate at dinner tonight." And then remind your mom to do her job, "Can you tell her not to tease me if she does that again?
• be consistent - Now some of you are rolling your eyes. You can already predict what your mom will say. She 'll brush your feelings aside like she always does and say that Megan was "just joking." In cases like these, be as consistent as possible. Tell your parents after every single teasing encounter that your feelings are hurt. After some repetition, some parents will finally get the hint. 
• be emotional - Some parents who are deep in denial need a bigger push to wake them up. These parents will finally admit something serious is going on when they've seen tears. How do you make that happen? Well . . . you don't. Emotional outbursts happen when they want to happen. But if you feel one coming, have at it. 

And even if you do all of the above, your parents still might not get it. If that happens, at least know you've done all you can. Unlike my therapist, I do not believe we have the total power to change our circumstances. We just have to try our best, and hope that it works. If it doesn't, that's where the next step comes in.  

Establish Emotional Distance

If you and your sibling live in the same house, it's impossible to physically cut them out of your life. But you can do so emotionally. Your sibling has shown that he or she is not worthy of your trust. So, limit your contact with this person as much as possible. Don't sit down and watch T.V. with her, don't play games with him, don't tell him or her about your day, your friends, or your problems (after all, they're probably your biggest problem). If you feel comfortable doing so, delete them as a facebook friend. When you're hanging out at home, do activities by yourself. Go online, facebook chat with your friends, read, play with the cat, do homework. Become a pseudo only child. Or, hang out with one of your parents. But build a wall between you and the abusive sibling(s). They aren't worth your time anymore.

Don't Blame Yourself

Most kids struggling with sibling abuse (at least the emotional kind) don't struggle with explicit self-blame. They have a pretty good idea that it's not their fault. And that's good! But they can still struggle with feelings of shame and/or insecurity and inadequacy. Why? Because there exists a false belief that abuse only happens to pathetic people who have chosen to be passive. That if you're being bullied, it's because you are weak. Hear me when I say this: that. is. not. true. 

I have never, ever thought that the bullying in a family was the result of a weak, pathetic child "inviting" attacks from harder-working siblings. Poor parenting, family dynamics, personality of the aggressor, and bad luck are usually the culprits. In other words, things that were out of your control. Sibling abuse is never, ever the victim's fault.

So instead of beating yourself up with the thought, "Why did this happen to me?" look back on your past as something that made you wiser, more aware of the human condition. If someone as strong as you could have been treated so horrendously, then you now know that even the mightiest person can also be brought to their knees. In other words, bad things can happen to anybody. 

Find Support

One of the most essential ingredients in sibling abuse recovery (or even just making it through the day), is a support system. It is also one of the hardest things to attain. It would be wonderful if we could sit down with our friends and talk about the deepest, darkest, most injured parts of ourselves. But if you're like most people, you have enough trouble communicating with your friends adequately enough to get to see a movie together. 

But all hope is not lost, because you can find support through other measures. For me, the Internet was the answer. During my worst years at home, I joined an online group where the other members and I talked about how much we hated our families. It did feel better to get my feelings out, in an environment where I was (mostly) supported. What was probably the most helpful aspect of the group was knowing I was not alone and that some people had it worse than I did. But I'll admit, it was hard to form a true bond with no face-to-face interaction. 

Another resource is a trusted adult. For me, that was my church youth group leader. If one exists in your life, use him. These people are awesome sources of support, as their job is to form a connection with the youth in the church. My youth pastor was very understanding, and I wish I had talked to him more. Are there other adults in your life you could talk to? Don't shake your head. I can see you shaking your head. Seriously, sit down and think about the adults you know who could help you out. Is there an aunt? uncle? grandparent? family friend? neighbor? childhood babysitter? one of your friends' parents? summer camp counselor? If there is an adult in your life you're already close to, consider talking to them about your sibling issues. Adults have seen a lot of the world, and you might be surprised by their compassion. 

If you're lucky enough to have a friend you're really close to, feel free to lean on them and talk about your family problems. And then listen as they share their troubles with you.

Find Distractions

And if you can't find support (or even if you can) distractions work wonders. This is where your everyday friendships come in. A night out with your friends can make you temporarily forget your problems. And sometimes a break is just what you need. Distractions can also come in the form of YouTube cat videos, stand-up comedians, your favorite book, or your favorite T.V. show. 

For me, whenever I was feeling awful, Eat, Pray, Love was my go-to resource for both support and distraction. I would soothe myself with Elizabeth Gilbert's words and temporarily lose myself in the author's journey across Italy, India and Indonesia. (It's a great book, by the way, go check it out.) Both comforting and familiar, it was the perfect resource for pulling me back to equilibrium when my feelings ran amok.     

Avoid Nighttime

When you were little, monsters came out at night. Now that you're older, they still do. Many people suffering from depression, anxiety, anger or whatever say that these feelings get worse at nighttime. This is because night is the time for introspection. Everything gets dark and quiet, and the loud, busy hecticness of life isn't there to drive the demons away. 

So try to go to bed as quickly as possible. After dinner, work on homework, watch T.V. for an hour or two, and then go to bed. Do not stay up ruminating over all the things that are bothering you. Go to sleep, and your demons will leave you alone. 

Have Faith 

You don't believe it now, but life will eventually get better. Your sibling(s) will move out of the house. You will move out of the house. You may decide to cut off a relationship with your sibling(s). 

Not only that, but I've also seen justice be served in many cases. In my own family and in others' families, I've seen abusive siblings learn their lesson once they hit the real world. Sometimes even before then. Often, siblings know that what they're doing is wrong. All they need is a real-world consequence or two to make them finally admit it. 

Some people will turn to a literal faith to see them through. Reading the bible and praying are two activities that religious people find helpful. 

In the words of Andy Grammar, "You gotta keep your head up . . . The sun will always come again."