Parental Inaction, Deconstructed

One of the most painful parts of experiencing sibling abuse is the sense of helplessness that follows almost every encounter you have with your abusive sibling. I know that I never felt like I was successful if I tried to

stand up for myself. No matter what I did, it felt like my siblings simply continued to harass, embarrass, and abuse me. Parents can be a big part of this helplessness, because they often don't do anything to stop the bullying. Now, before all you parent-lurkers flock to the comments section, let me explain.

I'm sure you can find a parent feeling equally helpless about the bullying in their home. I'll bet you these parents say similar things to the victims in the situation: "Man, I've tried EVERYTHING to get Billy to stop being mean to Joey, but NOTHING WORKS!" 

But I haven't met one yet.

It astonishes and infuriates me whenever I see a parent handling--or, really, not handling--sibling abuse in their families. I have witnessed teasing, belittling, provoking, name-calling, insulting, and even hitting. I'm talking about cases where it has been very, very clear to me that one was the instigator and the other was the victim. What gets to me more than the meanness itself is the parents' response to it. Because in each occasion I've witnessed, the parents have not uttered a.single.word. about it. Or if they do, it's to tell the kids (or really, the victim), "STOP FIGHTING!!!" 

I always wonder why they don't do anything. What is the reasoning behind their inaction? If I were to ask them about it, or peer into their brains, what would I find? I haven't yet mustered the courage to confront these parents, and I don't have the ability to read minds, but if I did, I think I would find one of the following responses:

"Billy and Joey are always at each other! It's driving me up the wall! Why can't they just learn to get along and leave their poor mother in peace?" 

Or

"*chuckle* Oh, siblings. They're always so mean to each other. Oh well, that's normal!" 

Or

"It bothers me when I hear them fighting. But I stay out of it. They need to work it out themselves."

Or

"At this point, I don't care who started it. I just want it ended!"

Or

"You know, I do think Billy teases Joey a little. But I think it's not that big of a deal." 

Or

"I don't think we need to play the blame game. It takes two to tango, and we need to hold them both accountable." 

Or

"I just don't care. As long as there's no blood, it's not my problem."

Or

"If Joey has a problem with Billy, then he can handle it himself. I'm not fighting his battles for him." 

These misguided thoughts are the result of a society that has hammered into parents' brains that "sibling rivalry is normal," and that fights between siblings require no further analysis than automatically assuming both parties are guilty. This blanket assumption is a dangerous guiding mindset and needs to be thoughtfully and carefully re-examined. The truth is that sibling relationships are complicated. There is no one message guiding sibling struggles that equally applies to all families, and if that became the cultural Zeitgeist, I would be a happy camper. Sometimes I think that parents would be best suited if they simply trusted their own common sense. Throw out the parenting books, deafen your ears to your in-laws' advice, don't believe what your friends say, and form your own conclusions about what you think is happening in your family. 

In addition to the confusion with children's contributions to fights, there is another, equally concerning confusion about responsibility, and that is the parents' responsibility in the whole affair. There are some parents out there who flat-out believe that they do not have responsibility when it comes to sibling abuse. I don't understand that. I have never understood that. Parents are there to protect their children, including protecting one of their children from the other. When one of your children endangers the safety or self-esteem of the other, it is your responsibility to step in and discipline that child. 

So what exactly is the parents' responsibility? Like I said before, there is no one-size-fits-all message, but I think there are a few keys parents should keep in mind: 

-Get familiar with the dynamics going on in your specific family. Each family is different, and carries different sibling dynamics. Don't assume that what's going on is "just normal."

-Sibling squabbles usually take the form of one of three things: conflicts, rivalries, or bullying. Keep an eye on fights, and try to label them. Are your kids fighting over things? Are they competing with each other? Is one being mean to the other?

-It's not always the children's sole responsibility to "work it out themselves." That applies to their conflicts. Dealing with bullying is YOUR responsibility.

-While the victim in the situation can certainly build his or her assertiveness muscles by standing up and saying no, that's usually not the problem. Most victims do stand up for themselves, and they need to be able to rely on you to back them up (and not stand in their way by saying, "DON'T FIGHT!!!"). The bully needs you too. Remember, he or she is also learning a lesson --that put-downs are not acceptable.

-Pay attention to what the children are saying. "Leave me alone!," "Stop being mean to me!," or, plain and simple, "Stop it!" are all possible signs that bullying is occurring. Look out for insulting and teasing as well.  

-Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Being mean for fun is not normal. Correct children when they do these things.

-Sibling abuse is not rare. It's actually more common than society has made it out to be. It is a possibility that there's a bully in your home, provoking the fights.

-It's not a big deal until it happens to you. Even a seemingly harmless comment is enough to do a lot of damage. Don't immediately dismiss a child as being oversensitive or too dramatic.

-If there is a bully in your house, you'll see a pattern. He or she will often use the same tactics, and you'll notice just how often he or she provokes others.

-Trust your common sense. If any piece of wisdom goes against what you think is best, trust your own beliefs first. 

-Keep your kids' happiness as your main goal, and when you use that to guide you, you'll stumble upon better answers. 

Often I find myself thinking that if an antagonizer (bully) is present in a family, it's because the parents haven't done anything stop him or her. Because I look around me, and I think that out of every ten families dealing with sibling abuse, ONE is doing something about it. The rest are either in denial, misinformed and confused, bystanders at a loss of what to do, or completely apathetic. I wonder if bullying is most certainly preventable, and the families not experiencing it nipped it in the bud from early on. 

Most parents of two or more children experience some level of bickering between the children. And most parents complain about it. I have always been a believer in looking for solutions to problems rather than complaining about them. Parents of a bullying child especially need to look around for answers, yet most of them are looking in the wrong place. Rather than throwing their hands in the air and screaming, "WHY CAN'T MY KIDS GET ALONG?!" they should instead look at themselves. Because in many sibling abuse situations, they are the problem. And they need to take action. 

"But That's Normal"

I don't talk about my experience with sibling abuse that often to people I know in real life. I have only found a few trustworthy people regarding this issue. But whenever I do open up about my past, the response I get is usually the same. A little chuckle, a flicker of the hand as if swatting away a fly, and then the phrase, "Oh, but that's normal." 

These people don't mean to belittle my feelings. Far from it, actually. They, too, see the mean things siblings say and do to each other, and a little part of them is appalled at the behavior. But they have adopted the usual response regarding sibling issues: the belief that what they're seeing is normal. Why do people think this? 

Part of the problem is that we have not yet distinguished between the many different parts that comprise sibling rivalry. Another part is that "sibling rivalry" is too broad of a category. When we say "sibling rivalry," what exactly do we mean? 

In the past, "sibling rivalry" has been a broad category for everything siblings do to "make each other miserable" (you hear that one a lot, too). "Sibling rivalry" is the phrase we use for the expected bickering over property, but it's also what we use when we talk about jealousy between siblings. It's about the competition between siblings; both to be "better" than the other and to compete for the parents' love and attention. It's the phrase we use when we talk about younger siblings being pests and older siblings being mean (wait a minute...are we allowed to say that older siblings are mean? Is that a thing yet? Or are they still perfect little angels who can do no wrong?) And all of these actions have been labeled "sibling rivalry," which in turn has been labeled "normal." 

"Sibling rivalry is normal" is part of a larger syllogism guiding the current thoughts about fighting between siblings: 

 Things that are acceptable are things that are normal.

Sibling rivalry is normal.

Therefore, sibling rivalry is acceptable. 

Do I think that fighting between siblings is normal? Absolutely. Do I think that some of it is acceptable? Again, absolutely. Actually, I wish my parents had thought that fighting between siblings was acceptable, because whenever my siblings and I fought, their most helpful reaction was to tell us to stop fighting. Which was not helpful at all. 

When parents embrace some amount of arguing as normal, their children benefit. We all need to build conflict-resolution skills in life, and these don't come from parents shutting their kids' fights down. 

But the problem is that not all of what we've so far called "sibling rivalry" is normal. Antagonizing a sibling for the fun of it is not normal. Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Violence and name-calling are not normal. Living in fear of a sibling is not normal. Teasing intended to embarrass or belittle is not normal. Among the standard quibbling between siblings is a sneaky little monster who thinks he can get away with his doings if he disguises himself as "sibling rivalry." It is our responsibility as a society to strip this beast of his disguise and call him out on his actions. And doing this will also help reduce the conflicts between siblings, as parents will rid themselves of the bullies in their families who so often provoke the fights. 

And how do we do that? By doing away with this generic prescription that we have foisted on all sibling doings. I suggest a new mantra, just a little bit different from the first, to enter into the Sibling Squabbles Zeitgeist for today. It's pretty simple. Ready for it? Here it is: "Not All of 'Sibling Rivalry' is Normal." That's it. Plain and simple. And when we embrace this mindset, parents are left to use their own common sense to figure out whether what's going on in their families is normal or not.