When Demons Attack

It happened again the other night. I was lying in bed, minding my own business and trying to fall asleep when my demons attacked me. You've all experienced this before. But if you haven't, let me explain how it happens. 

You'll be quietly minding your own business, trying to live your life and get on with your day when a surge of raging anger overtakes you. This anger is usually brought on by a memory or memories of having been infuriated by something, usually an injustice or a time you felt particularly helpless. If you experienced sibling abuse, then this happens to you quite a bit. Actually, anger and agitation used to be my daily emotional state--even after my teenage years. 

This anger is a force that makes you want to strangle something. In fact, this anger is so powerful that physical reactions often result. You'll feel your pulse quicken, you'll grit your teeth, clench your fists, and try to hit something--anything--so you can open even the tiniest of valves on the pent-up emotions threatening to fry up your body. 

Well readers, demons have been my long-time companions. Over the years (oh yes, years) that I've been battling them, I think I have a good system for how to return to calm whenever they invade. Of course, the long-term work we're all doing to try to find some semblance of closure regarding the abuse we were victims of will be the ultimate defeat of our demons, but here are some tips to use for in the moment. 

I followed the below steps the other night and (if you'll allow me to plant a spoiler in here), I ended up feeling better. I call them my Six Steps For Fighting Demons  

1. Dance to music--The physical release of dancing to music is just what your body needs to work off the pent-up rage. But don't listen to depressing music. That's a bad idea. Listen to something with a beat to it, and something that will take your mind off your feelings. The energy of the music will soothe your body, and the lyrics will soothe your emotions by distracting them. This step took me about an hour.

2. Fool around on the internet--Once I feel like I've sufficiently calmed down, I'll go on the internet and look up something funny. Laughter is one of the best cures to debilitating depression and anger. If you don't have a favorite YouTube video yet, I recommend "how animals eat" or "the count censored." Both are hysterical and will quickly put you in a good mood.

3. Secret weapons--I have a few go-to books and exercises that I call my "secret weapons." I love the book Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and there are a few passages in there that I re-read when I'm blue. Some of you might have other books that you like to read, like The Bible or something else that you know will always cheer you up. I also do deep breathing exercises, which help calm me down.

4. Phone a friend--Maybe not right that second, but later when you feel like you can utter coherent thoughts about how you're feeling, talk to a friend about your problems. Even if you don't tell them about the very worst thoughts and emotions you were feeling, just having a sympathetic ear to listen to the problems you do feel comfortable sharing can work wonders. Friends can also be a distraction. One night I was in a particularly bad demons-y mood, and I had plans to attend a social function. Every part of me was telling me to skip it, and just spend time alone. But I knew deep down that attending the event would distract me from my problems. I went, and I was right. I felt better in an hour. It probably would have taken me all night to feel better had I just spent the evening alone.

5. Don't think about it--Finally, when you've gotten rid of all the bad energy, make yourself not think about it. Channel positive thoughts instead, and remember times when you were happy.

6. End on a good note--It's good to end demons battles with something empowering or inspiring. I usually think back to how much I've changed over the past years, and how far I've already come with my personal war on sibling abuse. Keep your head up, have faith, and know that most likely, you're going to be fine in the end.

The next morning, I went to work early and even though I had had only about four hours of fitful, restless sleep, I had a good day. I felt energetic, I talked to my coworkers, and I spent my break basking in the sunshine outside. I had almost completely forgotten about my anger episode the previous night.

I hope this routine will also help you keep your demons at bay. And hopefully one day they'll leave us altogether.

Parental Inaction, Deconstructed

One of the most painful parts of experiencing sibling abuse is the sense of helplessness that follows almost every encounter you have with your abusive sibling. I know that I never felt like I was successful if I tried to

stand up for myself. No matter what I did, it felt like my siblings simply continued to harass, embarrass, and abuse me. Parents can be a big part of this helplessness, because they often don't do anything to stop the bullying. Now, before all you parent-lurkers flock to the comments section, let me explain.

I'm sure you can find a parent feeling equally helpless about the bullying in their home. I'll bet you these parents say similar things to the victims in the situation: "Man, I've tried EVERYTHING to get Billy to stop being mean to Joey, but NOTHING WORKS!" 

But I haven't met one yet.

It astonishes and infuriates me whenever I see a parent handling--or, really, not handling--sibling abuse in their families. I have witnessed teasing, belittling, provoking, name-calling, insulting, and even hitting. I'm talking about cases where it has been very, very clear to me that one was the instigator and the other was the victim. What gets to me more than the meanness itself is the parents' response to it. Because in each occasion I've witnessed, the parents have not uttered a.single.word. about it. Or if they do, it's to tell the kids (or really, the victim), "STOP FIGHTING!!!" 

I always wonder why they don't do anything. What is the reasoning behind their inaction? If I were to ask them about it, or peer into their brains, what would I find? I haven't yet mustered the courage to confront these parents, and I don't have the ability to read minds, but if I did, I think I would find one of the following responses:

"Billy and Joey are always at each other! It's driving me up the wall! Why can't they just learn to get along and leave their poor mother in peace?" 

Or

"*chuckle* Oh, siblings. They're always so mean to each other. Oh well, that's normal!" 

Or

"It bothers me when I hear them fighting. But I stay out of it. They need to work it out themselves."

Or

"At this point, I don't care who started it. I just want it ended!"

Or

"You know, I do think Billy teases Joey a little. But I think it's not that big of a deal." 

Or

"I don't think we need to play the blame game. It takes two to tango, and we need to hold them both accountable." 

Or

"I just don't care. As long as there's no blood, it's not my problem."

Or

"If Joey has a problem with Billy, then he can handle it himself. I'm not fighting his battles for him." 

These misguided thoughts are the result of a society that has hammered into parents' brains that "sibling rivalry is normal," and that fights between siblings require no further analysis than automatically assuming both parties are guilty. This blanket assumption is a dangerous guiding mindset and needs to be thoughtfully and carefully re-examined. The truth is that sibling relationships are complicated. There is no one message guiding sibling struggles that equally applies to all families, and if that became the cultural Zeitgeist, I would be a happy camper. Sometimes I think that parents would be best suited if they simply trusted their own common sense. Throw out the parenting books, deafen your ears to your in-laws' advice, don't believe what your friends say, and form your own conclusions about what you think is happening in your family. 

In addition to the confusion with children's contributions to fights, there is another, equally concerning confusion about responsibility, and that is the parents' responsibility in the whole affair. There are some parents out there who flat-out believe that they do not have responsibility when it comes to sibling abuse. I don't understand that. I have never understood that. Parents are there to protect their children, including protecting one of their children from the other. When one of your children endangers the safety or self-esteem of the other, it is your responsibility to step in and discipline that child. 

So what exactly is the parents' responsibility? Like I said before, there is no one-size-fits-all message, but I think there are a few keys parents should keep in mind: 

-Get familiar with the dynamics going on in your specific family. Each family is different, and carries different sibling dynamics. Don't assume that what's going on is "just normal."

-Sibling squabbles usually take the form of one of three things: conflicts, rivalries, or bullying. Keep an eye on fights, and try to label them. Are your kids fighting over things? Are they competing with each other? Is one being mean to the other?

-It's not always the children's sole responsibility to "work it out themselves." That applies to their conflicts. Dealing with bullying is YOUR responsibility.

-While the victim in the situation can certainly build his or her assertiveness muscles by standing up and saying no, that's usually not the problem. Most victims do stand up for themselves, and they need to be able to rely on you to back them up (and not stand in their way by saying, "DON'T FIGHT!!!"). The bully needs you too. Remember, he or she is also learning a lesson --that put-downs are not acceptable.

-Pay attention to what the children are saying. "Leave me alone!," "Stop being mean to me!," or, plain and simple, "Stop it!" are all possible signs that bullying is occurring. Look out for insulting and teasing as well.  

-Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Being mean for fun is not normal. Correct children when they do these things.

-Sibling abuse is not rare. It's actually more common than society has made it out to be. It is a possibility that there's a bully in your home, provoking the fights.

-It's not a big deal until it happens to you. Even a seemingly harmless comment is enough to do a lot of damage. Don't immediately dismiss a child as being oversensitive or too dramatic.

-If there is a bully in your house, you'll see a pattern. He or she will often use the same tactics, and you'll notice just how often he or she provokes others.

-Trust your common sense. If any piece of wisdom goes against what you think is best, trust your own beliefs first. 

-Keep your kids' happiness as your main goal, and when you use that to guide you, you'll stumble upon better answers. 

Often I find myself thinking that if an antagonizer (bully) is present in a family, it's because the parents haven't done anything stop him or her. Because I look around me, and I think that out of every ten families dealing with sibling abuse, ONE is doing something about it. The rest are either in denial, misinformed and confused, bystanders at a loss of what to do, or completely apathetic. I wonder if bullying is most certainly preventable, and the families not experiencing it nipped it in the bud from early on. 

Most parents of two or more children experience some level of bickering between the children. And most parents complain about it. I have always been a believer in looking for solutions to problems rather than complaining about them. Parents of a bullying child especially need to look around for answers, yet most of them are looking in the wrong place. Rather than throwing their hands in the air and screaming, "WHY CAN'T MY KIDS GET ALONG?!" they should instead look at themselves. Because in many sibling abuse situations, they are the problem. And they need to take action. 

Monday Laugh

For any of you who are the youngest child. They are so unappreciated and under-protected....

A Fifth Reason: Inflexible Personality

My friend Amanda once rented a room in a house from a woman who had two small daughters, Hannah, 7 and Elizabeth, 5. Hannah was a very sweet, well-behaved child who never gave anyone around her any problems. Lizzie was a different case altogether. She was defiant and explosive, and it seemed like the smallest things would set her off. Amanda once told me about an incident that really illustrated Lizzie's personality. She was playing CandyLand with the girls while their mom was fixing them dinner. Lizzie landed on one of those bad spots that make you miss a turn. Most young children might have been disappointed, but Lizzie's reaction was way off the charts.

"She just started screaming and crying," Amanda was telling me the next day. "I don't know what her problem is! She's too old to be doing something like that. At that age, you're old enough to know you won't always win a game."  

But this wasn't the only bad thing Lizzie had recently done. There was more that Amanda wanted to talk about.

"And sometimes she'll be not very nice to Hannah."

This made me confused. A younger sibling being mean to an older one? No way.

"What does she do?" I asked, hoping details would explain the situation.

Amanda struggled for words. "I dunno....It's hard to explain. She's just...mean. Nasty. Like, once she said, 'I hate you!' to her mom. And I was thinking, WHOA, that was uncalled for! you know?"

I did know.

I grew up with a sibling like Lizzie myself. She was what many mental health professionals would call "inflexible." She was explosive, had a very low tolerance for frustration, a short fuse, a need to follow strict routines, and would lash out at people if things weren't going her way. We shared a bedroom growing up, as well as a laundry hamper. One week, it was my turn to sort our laundry. I was sitting on the floor, simply sorting the clothes. Well, I must not have been doing it the way she wanted it done, because she grabbed the pile of dirty clothes out of my hands, got right in my face and started screaming at me. At the top of her lungs.

Dealing with an inflexible child can be unpleasant in and of itself. Screaming at people is definitely not civilized behavior. But I believe there's another consequence of an inflexible personality, aside from just the meltdowns. An inflexible personality can also lead to bullying.

One family I know of really illustrates how this happens. Dana and Isabella, two sisters I know of, had a sibling abuse dynamic going on in their family. Dana, the older one, had an inflexible personality and had explosion incidents similar to the ones described above. Understandably, inflexibility leads to more meltdowns and more conflicts. But there was something else going on. Dana was repeatedly calling Isabella names. "Loser" was her favorite one, and she dropped it at every opportunity. If Isabella did something silly, she would say, "Nice job, Loser!" If the two were playing a game, she would say, "You are so not gonna win, LOSER!"

So why did that happen? Why did Dana feel the need to attack Isabella, even if she wasn't being provoked? My theory is that inflexible children simply feel the need for control. They know that if they can have a general sense of control over someone, then they will never be threatened by them. Also, people with a low tolerance for frustration will try to force the desired result when not given what they want. So, a child who loses a game of CandyLand may scream and cry. Or she may throw insults at the winner.  

Either way, inflexible children are more prone to tearing someone down. It helps them build their own stability.

What Has Helped Me Thus Far

For a long time now, I've struggled with an off-and-on depression and anger that continuously gnaws at me. I attribute this anger and depression partly to the abuse I experienced at the hands of my siblings and partly to the helplessness brought on by my parents' failure to protect me. Sometimes I feel resentful at the resentment itself because it took away a lot of the good parts of my life. I entered my late adolescence and young adulthood not as a joyous, carefree young person, but as a very angry and closed off woman who spent a lot of time being angry at the world, walking around wanting to kill someone. 

Sometimes I would ask myself if this angry cloud would ever lift and I would see the sun again. Because every once in a while I would ask myself, "What if I feel like this for the rest of my life? Will I just be this angry for good?" 

I'm finding more and more that the answer is no. 

Within the past few months, I've noticed some changes within me. I don't feel angry as frequently anymore. And while there are still times when I lock myself in my room and beat the shit out of my mattress, those times don't happen as often as they used to. I was thinking about this recently and asking myself why this is. So I sat down and thought about it and came up with a list of reasons why.

This is what I think has helped me:

Time and Distance: Just getting away from my siblings for a while helped to clear some smoke out of the skies. I'd heard that "time heals all wounds" and I didn't want to believe it, because I thought that nothing as simple as "time" should be allowed to pardon my siblings. But the thing is. . .it did. And I'm glad that it did. Distance as well. I think that distance even more so than time can help heal wounds. Moving out of the house and limiting my contact with my siblings erased some of the painful memories. Distance can also be emotional as well as geographical. I cut off relationships with the two guilty siblings and that was a signal to them that I was punishing them for what they did. 

Expressing my feelings--but not to the guilty parties--was also a big help. In my teen years I wasted my time with a dumbass therapist who told me that all I needed to do was stand up for myself and that would be it. I would make my siblings treat me respectfully and I would no longer be in pain. Bullshit. Looking back, I can see now that I shouldn't have pressured myself so much about "standing up" to the oppressors, because it wouldn't have done anything. But what would have helped me would have been talking to supportive people (not my therapist) about how I was feeling. Whenever my friends sympathetically listened to me and offered support and encouragement, I felt at least ten times lighter. I know someone who also went through a difficult time as a child, and she told me one of the most helpful things she did was just getting all her feelings out, and talking about it. 

Learning about others' experiences: When I heard others' stories about dealing with abusive siblings and parents who were no help, this also helped to lighten my load. Not in a Schadenfraude type of way, but in an "I'm not alone" type of way. Witnessing many different types of people who have gone through these experiences, I learned that I was not to blame for what happened. I also learned that other people were also shouldering big emotional burdens, and this perspective helped to lighten my load in a weird way. 

Empowering myself: Something that I have noticed over and over again: my anger goes away when my helplessness goes away. Whenever I was able to do something that put power back in my own hands, I felt a lot better. This isn't always possible, but when you can find something you can control, take advantage of it. For me, empowering myself meant accepting the fact that my parents and I weren't going to see eye-to-eye about me attending my sibling's wedding, and not to waste time getting angry over them. It meant trusting my own common sense and judgment when I heard an adult using the "it takes two to tango" line in a situation that very clearly involved a guilty party. It meant many different things to me, and I encourage you to find what empowering yourself means to you. 

Fighting back: The few times I did it, I did think that giving my siblings a taste of their own medicine was helpful to me. It reaffirmed that what they did was unacceptable when I saw their reactions. It got rid of some of my anger. And it educated them on why I was mad at them. You can choose whether or not you want to do this. Some mental health experts would say not to. But in my opinion, giving bullies a taste of their own medicine is not necessarily a bad idea.

This blog: Writing a blog is a unique experience. When I kept a diary and recorded my thoughts there, it didn't help me because I felt like I was internalizing my feelings even more. But with a blog I get to write my thoughts publicly, and share them with other people who have had similar experiences. I get to give an issue a public voice, and hopefully educate people a little bit more about this issue. I get to get a conversation going. I get to offer others a chance to share their own personal stories if they desire. This blog has been empowering and has been a public track record of my growth through dealing with this horrible trauma. And I hope learning about my experiences has been empowering for you as well.

I also would like to share with you some things that don't help, and they are:
-anything that makes you feel more helpless
-invalidation (from friends who judge your feelings)
-not expressing your feelings; keeping everything inside

I hope that in time, you will find peace and get rid of the horrible monsters still plaguing you. You deserve to be happy, and I can tell you that in time you will also find the clouds are lifting. 

Why We Don't Talk about It

When I was a teenager, I was facing the worst emotional crisis I had ever faced in my life and (if my prediction comes true) probably ever will. I felt depressed, angry and helpless 90% of the time and just wanted to cut myself off from my family for good. The worst part of it was the fact that I felt like I was all alone in the world. I didn't talk about my problems to a single soul, and even though I desperately wanted help it felt like there was no one out there to help me. I just wasn't close to my friends, and I didn't think I could tell them about what was going on at home. I didn't know who I could turn to. So I suffered in silence, too afraid to come out of the closet about the fact that I was hurting very, very badly.

Right now I am slowly working my way out of what (I hope) was the darkest period in my life. But even now there are plenty of times where I feel very angry and sad, and I don't know what to do about it. So I started reflecting about my situation, and a thought occurred to me. What if I were to just . . .let it out? Tell someone? Not wait around for the right person to present themselves to me, but just let my problems out to someone I knew?

So I thought about that for a while, and then decided that I would reveal a little bit of my story to my friend, Rebecca during one of our get-togethers. Well, she and I spent a day in a park together, just walking around and chatting about random topics. Rebecca is a good friend of mine, and while we're not extremely close, her kindness has shown me that I can trust her to reveal some of the issues I've dealt with.

Well, we were chatting and walking and walking and chatting and . . . I never told her. Anything. I didn't let the tiniest sliver of my story come out to her.

Why did that happen? Why didn't I tell her anything? Why is it so hard to talk about our issues?

I think there are a few reasons why:

1. We're afraid of criticism: I've talked about my past to people in my life before, and sometimes they have been very critical of the things I've said. When we're expressing feelings like "I hate my sister!!," others often want to react with something along the lines of, "Don't say that! That's terrible!" Such invalidation shuts us up and makes us think resentfully to ourselves, You know what?! You'd be saying the EXACT SAME THING if she was your sibling! Better to not talk about it at all.  
2. People are condescending: Putting yourself in a vulnerable position can give the person you are speaking to a chance to give themselves a power trip. Even if she seems like she's being nice, often what comes out of Miss Condescension's mouth is a put-down in disguise. "Oh sweetie," she'll say, "All siblings fight with each other. Just don't let it bother you so much." Being treated like you're five years old and having someone downplay your problems is tough to handle. And this brings me to my third point. . .
3. People just don't get it:  "Oh but that's normal," is the common response from people we've talked about our experiences with. They don't understand that what happened to us was unacceptable, inexcusable, and has left lasting scars. Sometimes people think we're trying to bring the conversation around to birth order. We fear they'll respond to our problems with, "But what about all the shit that younger siblings do?" Or they'll turn the conversation back to themselves and say, "Well, I was the oldest child, and I had it really tough...." another topic that really, really irritates us.
4. We don't want to make others uncomfortable: What we've been through has not been pretty. This is especially true for survivors of physical and sexual abuse, but even stories about emotional abuse can make others cringe. We don't want our friends to be stuck in an awkward position where they don't know how to respond to something we've told them. So instead, we keep quiet.
5. We feel uncomfortable: Feeling vulnerable does not feel good to us. We don't want to seem weak to others or to ourselves. Hearing our emotions expressed out loud makes them very real for us, while previously we'd been able to pretend that they didn't exist. Reliving situations where a sibling humiliated you or beat you up, especially out loud, is not a pleasant experience. We would rather give help to others than be on the receiving end of help from others. To us, revealing our problems feels like we're making ourselves weaker.

Every once in a while I ask myself if I have any regrets about my experience with sibling abuse. To be honest, I don't really think I do. I don't think fighting back harder would have made a difference. I don't think explaining it to my parents would have made a difference. I don't think that anything I could have done would have stopped the abuse itself.

But I think that there's something I do regret. I regret not opening up about my feelings to the people in my life. I think my teenage years would have been ten times better had I talked to my friends about what I was going through. I can hear sixteen-year-old me saying, "Ha! Easier said than done!" And maybe that's true. But I used to think that a close friendship was something that happened to you, and now I see that it's something you create. I used to think you needed to wait for the right friend to come along for you to finally divulge deeper parts of yourself. But you don't, really. You don't need the absolute right moment to tell people how you're feeling--you just need a good enough moment.

The exception I think is with physical or sexual abuse. In those cases, in my opinion, you do need the right moment to finally reveal that information. And I think that moment can come along. I had a good friend reveal to me that she experienced physical abuse at the hands of an older sibling. In turn, I revealed to her some of my story. And it was a good experience for both of us.

Looking back, I realize that the only time I ever came out of the closet to someone was when they had revealed some of their personal struggles to me first. Hearing someone else's story made me feel safe to reveal mine, because I knew that they wouldn't criticize, belittle or judge me. And it makes me wonder how many other friends I had like me, who were waiting to reveal their story but wanted someone else to go first so that they could feel safe.

So I have a dare for you. Wait for a good enough moment, and then reveal at least part of your story to a friend of yours. Go first.  

My Reply to a Misguided Mom

Here is a note I found on this website titled "When Should I Intervene During Teasing?"

My 13-year-old son is constantly teasing his younger brother, who is 10. I never know when to intervene. On the one hand, I want to let them work it out themselves. On the other, I worry that my older son is going to think it's OK to be mean and my younger son is going to have some lasting emotional scars. What do I do?
- Janet

And here is my response:

Dear Janet,

You're a good mom. It sounds like you're involved in your kids' lives, and want the best for them. You want to do what's right and you follow the advice from experts, parenting books, and most likely the people in your life: children should be left alone to "work it out themselves."

But here's the thing: "Working it out themselves" is something that applies to your kids' conflicts with each other. If your sons are fighting about what to watch on T.V, or who stole whose skates and broke them, or which video game they want to play together, then they can be left alone to work it out themselves.

During a teasing situation, children should not be left alone to handle it. While conflicts can be dealt with by compromising, teasing is very different. In this situation, there's nothing to really "work out." We're dealing with misbehavior here. And when a child misbehaves, it is a parent's duty to step in.

Telling a teaser and a victim to "work it out themselves" is like telling a child running around a restaurant screaming his head off to "work it out himself." The restaurant-screaming child is not going to stop until an adult steps in and punishes him for misbehaving. The same goes for the teasing child.

You are absolutely right that your older son is learning that it's OK to be mean. The fact that you are worried and the fact that you wrote this letter both tell me that your intuition has given you the answer here. You know already that it's time for you to intervene.

And when do you intervene during teasing? If the teasing is constant, if it's meant to embarrass or dominate the victim, if one child is always teasing and the other always being teased, then you must step in and hold the aggressor accountable. You're worried that there's some sort of acceptable limit for teasing, and you shouldn't intervene until the teasing has surpassed that limit. What all parents should know is that the threshold is a lot closer than they think. If you can say "teasing is present in my house," then chances are the limit has already been reached.

Try your best to stamp out the teasing and let your older son know his power to be compassionate. Then it will no longer be necessary to intervene

Sincerely,

Spunky Sybil