Once upon a Time

Once upon a time, there was a family that lived in the beautiful land of Suburbia. This was a typical family of

the kingdom, comprised of a mother, a father and two sons, Jack and Aaron. They lived in a magnificent 4-bedroom dwelling situated in the best school district of all the land. To outsiders, their lives seemed perfectly normal. The parents were devoted, loving people who dedicated their spare time to endless PTA meetings, homework drills, chore power struggles, and battles over Internet, television and cell phone usage. This family certainly experienced nothing worse than the typical, standard problems all families faced. The other villagers thought there was no way they were harboring any dark secrets.

But they were wrong.

From the time the children woke up in the morning to when the sun went down, the older brother was dedicated to making the younger brother's life a living hell. The elder teased, tormented and traumatized the younger every opportunity he found. He found all sorts of names to call his brother, like "wimp," "loser," "weakling," "dumb-fuck," "sissy," "string-bean," and "ass-face." Oh, he especially loved the word "ass." He attached it to many of the names he called Aaron: "dumb-ass," "weak-ass," "limp-ass," "crazy-ass." If it sounded good, he said it.

The parents were at a loss. They had no idea what to do! Every time they saw Jack tormenting Aaron, they got really angry. But all of their threats, pleas and badgering had no effect. Despite his parents' warnings, shouts and tears, Jack continued being mean to Aaron, because he thought it was fun.

One night during dinner, Jack became such a bully that the mother, father and Aaron simultaneously exploded at him.

"JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, MISTER!!!" screamed the father.

"HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF WE STARTED CALLING YOU NAMES?" shouted the mother.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!" bellowed Aaron.

Jack just laughed at them.

"You think you three can stop I, the all-powerful JACK?" He proclaimed. "I'd like to see you try!"

Unbeknownst to Jack, Father, Mother and Aaron quietly accepted his challenge.

The next day, the three of them decided to give Jack a taste of his own medicine. They started by using Jack's favorite weapon against him. It started at breakfast.

"Hey, Jack-ass," said Aaron. "Isn't that the third time this week you've had bacon for breakfast? Are you turning into a pig?"

Jack didn't like this new treatment at all.
"Stop that!" He screamed. He took a blow at Aaron.

But Aaron ducked, and continued with his long-awaited retaliation.
"Oink! Oink oink oink!" He cried with glee, a satisfied smirk on his face. It was funny Jack thought teasing was a big deal now that it was happening to him.

Mother walked into the kitchen. Inwardly, Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Here was someone who would rescue him!

"Mom! Tell Aaron to stop!" Pleaded Jack.

"Oh, Jack-ass," said Mother (Jack-ass raised his eyebrows). "You know that you deserve this. Don't act like the innocent victim. All those years of tormenting others, and you were sure to be tormented yourself."

Before Jack-ass could absorb the shock of this statement, his father walked into the kitchen. Maybe he could help! But before Jack-ass could ask for help, Father started up:

"Good morning Jack-ASS!" He cried. "I see you're hogging all the bacon. Do we have a pig in the family? Oh wait, I forgot. You're already a pig." He walked over to Jack-ass and took the bacon out of his hands.
"You won't be needing this anymore. We got some new food for you."

Father disappeared into the pantry for a few seconds, and came back lugging a huge bag behind him.
"This," he said, "Is everything that has been in our garden compost over the past month. You've always been a pig, Jack-ass: railing on your brother and using every tactic you can to dominate him. If you're going to act like a pig, then you're going to eat like a pig."

Jack-ass had a look of utter shock, disgust and fear in his eyes.

"EAT UP!" yelled father, and piled a heaping mass of compost on Jack-ass's plate.

"EW!" yelled Jack. "I'm not eating that shit!" And he ran out of the house, never to return.

"Good riddance!" said the mother.

"Yeah," agreed the father. He looked questioningly at the mother. "Why did we even have a worthless piece of shit like that anyway?"

"I have no idea," said Aaron. "But I'm glad he's gone now."

The three family members cleaned up the compost, washed up, and then sat down for a peaceful, happy breakfast together. They moved on with their lives, never to hear or speak of Jack-ass ever again. As for Jack-ass? Well, he became town legend, and when the villagers heard the rumors about why he ran away, they began to use his name as an insult. If someone was ever being especially mean, rude or crass, that person was then labeled a "jackass." The name-calling that Jack had once mercilessly heaped upon others was now coming back to haunt him--even his own name was not honored.

As for Jack-ass himself? He starved to death. Good riddance.

  

Gender Gap

Girls and boys are different. We all know that. I could probably name a billion differences off the top of my head. One of these differences is how the two genders view power. Or rather, how much they crave it. We all know that in our patriarchal society, boys both have and crave power a lot more than girls do. Which is why it should come as no surprise that a recent study found that older brothers are more likely to be bullies than older sisters.

This is something that I've been suspicious about for a little bit now. I had always known that sibling abuse can often be about power, plain and simple; that some older siblings bully simply because it strokes their ego. I have also always known that males tend to seek power more than females do. Putting two and two together, I began to ask myself if older brothers were more likely to bully than older sisters, and if there was any research showing this relationship. To Google I went, and up popped the above study.

The reason I was searching for a study showing the relationship rather than trusting my own experience is because I knew that a study would provide a better sample for what I was searching. Because in real life, I know just as many older sisters as older brothers who are mean for just plain fun. And I really do mean just for fun. Having observed countless families over the decades, I can tell the difference between bullying out of insecurity, out of inflexibility, out of jealousy, and just for entertainment. And I can name a handful of mean older sisters whom I can confidently put in the "just for entertainment" bullying category.

So girls are by no means completely excluded from the "doing-it-because-I-think-it's-funny" type of bully.

But the fact that research has shown that older brothers are more likely than older sisters to verbally abuse their younger siblings tells us something about sibling abuse: that some of it really is done, in fact, for the sake of power. It has proven the hypothesis that sibling abuse derives from a desire for power, because one of the variables--boys--possesses more power than girls, the other variable. 

But aside from the direct findings of this study, I wanted to bring up something else that this research triggered in me. And that is how gender relates to other down-the-road consequences of sibling abuse. In regards to the bullies, I have noticed another gender difference: sister bullies are more likely to see the errors of their ways--and apologize for them--than brother bullies. It's a strange phenomenon that I've witnessed a few times already. A mean girl will grow up, meet the real world head-on, and come back home having been humbled immensely, with a newfound understanding of The Golden Rule. Boys not so much. I was in class once, and my professor was going off on a tangent (he was really The Tangent Type) and talking to us about his childhood. He was saying something along the lines of, "Older brothers like to pick on younger brothers..." And then a guy in my class, who I already knew was a brother bully, interrupted him and said loudly, "Until the younger brother grows up and starts picking on the older brother!" I didn't say anything to him, but I was thinking angrily to myself, Oh aren't you the innocent victim! Here was a guy who refused to admit to any wrongdoing--who firmly believed himself to be entitled to treating others however he wished without them doing the same to him. Ugghhh. Boys. Boys boys boys. 

And then there's another gender difference I've noticed, and this one is in regard to the victims. Younger sisters who were bullied definitely struggle with all of the long-term effects of sibling abuse, but I've noticed that younger brothers who were victims can have an even harder time. As a female myself, I am well-acquainted with the way society oppresses women. But (and my feminist side is screaming at me for typing this), there's a bright side to this oppression. As females, we are expected, even encouraged, to be weak. We've got to attract that Prince Charming after all, and there's nothing better than falling into safe, strong arms that will protect us from harm. (So, to soothe my inner-feminist's wrath, I guess I can say that this is hardly a "bright side" to oppression, if being oppressed just makes oppression easier to bear.) If a female is a victim, it's no big deal. 

With males it's different. Men are supposed to be strong. They must search for power in every way they can, because if they don't attain it then they are. . . something less than human. Something worthless. Bullying does more than make a victim angry--it strips them of their power and dignity. And when you are male, that is just about the worst thing that can happen to you. In many male survivors of sibling abuse, I have noticed something deeper than anger inside them. There's also an intense feeling of emasculation--a shame and humiliation of a degree many females do not experience.

This new finding has convinced me even more that gender equality is something we must continue to strive toward. For if we do, many benefits will come from it. "Gender equality" in regards to families is often about a more equal role between husband and wife, but it should also be about better expectations for the way older brothers conduct themselves. And this, not just parenting roles, will also result in a happier family.        

"But That's Normal"

I don't talk about my experience with sibling abuse that often to people I know in real life. I have only found a few trustworthy people regarding this issue. But whenever I do open up about my past, the response I get is usually the same. A little chuckle, a flicker of the hand as if swatting away a fly, and then the phrase, "Oh, but that's normal." 

These people don't mean to belittle my feelings. Far from it, actually. They, too, see the mean things siblings say and do to each other, and a little part of them is appalled at the behavior. But they have adopted the usual response regarding sibling issues: the belief that what they're seeing is normal. Why do people think this? 

Part of the problem is that we have not yet distinguished between the many different parts that comprise sibling rivalry. Another part is that "sibling rivalry" is too broad of a category. When we say "sibling rivalry," what exactly do we mean? 

In the past, "sibling rivalry" has been a broad category for everything siblings do to "make each other miserable" (you hear that one a lot, too). "Sibling rivalry" is the phrase we use for the expected bickering over property, but it's also what we use when we talk about jealousy between siblings. It's about the competition between siblings; both to be "better" than the other and to compete for the parents' love and attention. It's the phrase we use when we talk about younger siblings being pests and older siblings being mean (wait a minute...are we allowed to say that older siblings are mean? Is that a thing yet? Or are they still perfect little angels who can do no wrong?) And all of these actions have been labeled "sibling rivalry," which in turn has been labeled "normal." 

"Sibling rivalry is normal" is part of a larger syllogism guiding the current thoughts about fighting between siblings: 

 Things that are acceptable are things that are normal.

Sibling rivalry is normal.

Therefore, sibling rivalry is acceptable. 

Do I think that fighting between siblings is normal? Absolutely. Do I think that some of it is acceptable? Again, absolutely. Actually, I wish my parents had thought that fighting between siblings was acceptable, because whenever my siblings and I fought, their most helpful reaction was to tell us to stop fighting. Which was not helpful at all. 

When parents embrace some amount of arguing as normal, their children benefit. We all need to build conflict-resolution skills in life, and these don't come from parents shutting their kids' fights down. 

But the problem is that not all of what we've so far called "sibling rivalry" is normal. Antagonizing a sibling for the fun of it is not normal. Attacking a sibling with no provocation is not normal. Violence and name-calling are not normal. Living in fear of a sibling is not normal. Teasing intended to embarrass or belittle is not normal. Among the standard quibbling between siblings is a sneaky little monster who thinks he can get away with his doings if he disguises himself as "sibling rivalry." It is our responsibility as a society to strip this beast of his disguise and call him out on his actions. And doing this will also help reduce the conflicts between siblings, as parents will rid themselves of the bullies in their families who so often provoke the fights. 

And how do we do that? By doing away with this generic prescription that we have foisted on all sibling doings. I suggest a new mantra, just a little bit different from the first, to enter into the Sibling Squabbles Zeitgeist for today. It's pretty simple. Ready for it? Here it is: "Not All of 'Sibling Rivalry' is Normal." That's it. Plain and simple. And when we embrace this mindset, parents are left to use their own common sense to figure out whether what's going on in their families is normal or not.   

A Taste of Their Own Medicine

The aftermath of sibling abuse can be very difficult indeed. There is not enough research out there to analyze all the long-lasting effects of having been traumatized by a relative. What can we do, as former victims, to support ourselves and give ourselves what we need so we can heal? Researchers have yet to find the answer to that question. However, some everyday folks think they have. For many former sibling abuse victims, a big part of the healing journey is growing up and giving their abuser a taste of their own medicine. In a process I call Attack Back, former victims march up to their oppressors and give them a nice dose of what they deserve. What does that accomplish? Quite a bit, actually. Here I have a few reasons why dishing back what your sibling dished out can have a positive effect, on both the abuser and the abused.    

A Release of Your Anger
One of the most immediate effects of Attacking Back (and also one of its driving forces) is the release of anger it provides the victim. One time, I was in my room, bubbling over with fury with memories of abuse. I decided to take matters into my own hands and write a nasty Facebook message on one of my siblings' walls. I knew there would be consequences (there were). I knew others would see her as the innocent victim (they did). But I'm glad I did it. Because the next day, I felt a huge relief. It was like all of my anger had disappeared. And it felt good. (A word of advice for anyone who has decided to Attack Back; for best results, try not to get third parties involved. It's better if there are no witnesses.) 

Providing Consequences
Even if Attacking Back accomplishes nothing else, it can provide the former victim with a sense of closure, that the aggressor has been punished. Something that has always bothered me about the concept of forgiveness is the lingering question of what happens to the aggressor. Do they get off scot-free? Especially if said aggressor is a family member, is it acceptable to carry on a relationship with this person by pretending nothing ever happened? Because that sounds more like denial than forgiveness to me. By providing consequences, the victim can take ownership of the relationship and give the aggressor an acceptable punishment for what he or she did.  

It Can Genuinely Be Helpful
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind," says Gandhi. I beg to differ. In many life situations, not just with sibling abuse, I have seen positive consequences result from an aggressor receiving a taste of their own medicine. We all operate according to our own feelings. And part of the reason why survivors of emotional abuse develop a strong sense of empathy is because they understand how much it hurts to be picked on. In some families, I have seen aggressor siblings develop a true awareness of others' feelings once the victim-aggressor roles switched. Sometimes, it's not the sibling that provides this awareness, but the real world. Maybe it's moving to a rude city, or dealing with a jerk boss, but real-world consequences often open the eyes of a mean sibling who once thought that teasing was no big deal.    

Reaffirmation
One of the biggest reliefs for me when I started dishing back to my siblings what they had given to me was a sense that I had been right all along: what they had done to me had been wrong. You can easily convince yourself that you've just been "too sensitive" all these years. Teasing isn't that big of a deal, is it? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. When I saw my siblings' reactions, I saw reflected back at me my own emotions: shock, embarrassment, rage. I honestly didn't say something that mean to you, I would think to myself, and now you are feeling the exact same emotions that I always felt whenever you did the same to me. I would walk away with a sense of satisfaction, even more confident that what I was fighting against was something worth the fight. 

Ridding Yourself of Fear and Shame
When siblings bully, the memories attached to the bullying stick to the emotional messages. For example, maybe your sister made fun of a way you styled your hair. From then on, whenever you saw that hairstyle or wore your hair that way, you couldn't shake the memory of your sister bullying you. Something very normal, like a hairstyle, provoked feelings of anger in you. Something very similar happened to me. When I grew up and saw my sister carrying the same fashion statement she had made fun of me for, I went up to her and gave her the same snarky comment she had given to me. She got angry, but I walked away feeling satisfied. Whenever I saw that hairstyle again, it was just....a hairstyle. The negative emotions were no longer attached. 

Rebuild Relationship
As weird as it sounds, when a sibling decides to take revenge on their oppressor, it's often the go-light for the rebuilding of their relationship. In most families I have observed, the aftermath of the Attack Back was of course ugly, but it also was the action that cleared the air between the siblings. To the former abuser, the attacks served as a message, that the abused knows what the abuser did and will make them pay for it. What's probably the best message from the entire experience is the overall, "we're even now," that each side feels after the formerly abused rises up. For many siblings, Attack Back bridged the gap between them. Both were able to move on.   

Now, if you are reading this post, here's the question that is at the back of your mind. The question some of you are trying your utmost to avoid. Actually, it's really two questions. The first one is this: Is it absolutely necessary that I do this? And the second is this: If I don't seek revenge, what does that make me?

I don't have the answers to those questions. I cannot tell you if giving your sibling a taste of their own medicine is something you should do. But what I promise not to do is lecture you with ridiculous bullshit like, "Don't be the aggressor. Choose the higher road." That advice has never been helpful. Someone who is bubbling over with anger should never be told to repress their feelings. But I have a few questions for you to ask yourself to better help you decide what you should do.

The first is this: Has your sibling expressed remorse in any way? Sometimes mean siblings see the light all on their own, and don't need any extra help from you. I didn't have to be a bully to one of my siblings who had already seen the light and found ways to apologize for what she did. 

The second is this: Are you prepared for the consequences? Because there will be consequences. Your sibling will get angry with you. This can be satisfying, but it can also be frustrating, because your sibling will claim innocent victimhood when they are definitely not an innocent victim. Other people in your life may get involved, and may also side against you. To outsiders who don't know your story, you look like the bad guy, and they will try to intervene and pick sides against you as well. 

The third is this: Am I making the right decision for myself? Am I doing it because it feels right, or because I feel like I need to copy what I saw in someone else's family? Is there another option that appeals more strongly to me?  

If, after answering all of those questions, you feel you should Attack Back, go for it. I wish you luck, and hope you get what you need from it. 

An eye for an eye might make the whole world blind, but turning the other cheek will eventually kill us all. Whatever path you choose, I hope it's one that does not ignore evil, but turns to it and fights it head on.    

Survival Guide

There is nothing quite so soul-crushing as living with an abusive sibling (or two...or more). Every day can feel like a struggle for survival. You are constantly being pummeled, and it feels like there's nowhere for you to turn. Add unsupportive parents to that, and you have a real recipe for emotional trauma. You may be constantly telling yourself, I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. Well, hang in there. I have a few tips to pass on from my own experience of being a sibling abuse survivor. 


Take Care of Yourself

When you are in an emotionally fragile state, one of the best things you can do is simply take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Reduce the stress in your life. Eat healthily. Exercise. A brain that is already super-charged with heavy emotions will become ten times worse when it has not been given the tools it needs to function well. When other people are treating you terribly, you can treat yourself right. 

Do What You Can

I once saw a therapist who told me that my life was in my total control, and if something was going wrong, I had the total power to fix it. Bullshit. That is never true for any person, and that is especially not true when your parents are still in charge. The only advice I have is this: Take charge of the few things you can control. One of the best things you can do when you're dealing with sibling abuse is to tell your parents that it's bothering you.

Now, the majority of you just screamed at your computer, "But I HAVE told them!!!!!!!!" And I know, I was there too. Parents often minimize problems, or simply refuse to listen. However, there are a few communication techniques you can use to increase the chances of your parents hearing you out.

• be specific - Instead of telling your mom, "Megan always teases me!" use a concrete example. This is even better if your parents were there to witness it. You can tell your mom, "It really hurt my feelings when Megan made fun of me for how much I ate at dinner tonight." And then remind your mom to do her job, "Can you tell her not to tease me if she does that again?
• be consistent - Now some of you are rolling your eyes. You can already predict what your mom will say. She 'll brush your feelings aside like she always does and say that Megan was "just joking." In cases like these, be as consistent as possible. Tell your parents after every single teasing encounter that your feelings are hurt. After some repetition, some parents will finally get the hint. 
• be emotional - Some parents who are deep in denial need a bigger push to wake them up. These parents will finally admit something serious is going on when they've seen tears. How do you make that happen? Well . . . you don't. Emotional outbursts happen when they want to happen. But if you feel one coming, have at it. 

And even if you do all of the above, your parents still might not get it. If that happens, at least know you've done all you can. Unlike my therapist, I do not believe we have the total power to change our circumstances. We just have to try our best, and hope that it works. If it doesn't, that's where the next step comes in.  

Establish Emotional Distance

If you and your sibling live in the same house, it's impossible to physically cut them out of your life. But you can do so emotionally. Your sibling has shown that he or she is not worthy of your trust. So, limit your contact with this person as much as possible. Don't sit down and watch T.V. with her, don't play games with him, don't tell him or her about your day, your friends, or your problems (after all, they're probably your biggest problem). If you feel comfortable doing so, delete them as a facebook friend. When you're hanging out at home, do activities by yourself. Go online, facebook chat with your friends, read, play with the cat, do homework. Become a pseudo only child. Or, hang out with one of your parents. But build a wall between you and the abusive sibling(s). They aren't worth your time anymore.

Don't Blame Yourself

Most kids struggling with sibling abuse (at least the emotional kind) don't struggle with explicit self-blame. They have a pretty good idea that it's not their fault. And that's good! But they can still struggle with feelings of shame and/or insecurity and inadequacy. Why? Because there exists a false belief that abuse only happens to pathetic people who have chosen to be passive. That if you're being bullied, it's because you are weak. Hear me when I say this: that. is. not. true. 

I have never, ever thought that the bullying in a family was the result of a weak, pathetic child "inviting" attacks from harder-working siblings. Poor parenting, family dynamics, personality of the aggressor, and bad luck are usually the culprits. In other words, things that were out of your control. Sibling abuse is never, ever the victim's fault.

So instead of beating yourself up with the thought, "Why did this happen to me?" look back on your past as something that made you wiser, more aware of the human condition. If someone as strong as you could have been treated so horrendously, then you now know that even the mightiest person can also be brought to their knees. In other words, bad things can happen to anybody. 

Find Support

One of the most essential ingredients in sibling abuse recovery (or even just making it through the day), is a support system. It is also one of the hardest things to attain. It would be wonderful if we could sit down with our friends and talk about the deepest, darkest, most injured parts of ourselves. But if you're like most people, you have enough trouble communicating with your friends adequately enough to get to see a movie together. 

But all hope is not lost, because you can find support through other measures. For me, the Internet was the answer. During my worst years at home, I joined an online group where the other members and I talked about how much we hated our families. It did feel better to get my feelings out, in an environment where I was (mostly) supported. What was probably the most helpful aspect of the group was knowing I was not alone and that some people had it worse than I did. But I'll admit, it was hard to form a true bond with no face-to-face interaction. 

Another resource is a trusted adult. For me, that was my church youth group leader. If one exists in your life, use him. These people are awesome sources of support, as their job is to form a connection with the youth in the church. My youth pastor was very understanding, and I wish I had talked to him more. Are there other adults in your life you could talk to? Don't shake your head. I can see you shaking your head. Seriously, sit down and think about the adults you know who could help you out. Is there an aunt? uncle? grandparent? family friend? neighbor? childhood babysitter? one of your friends' parents? summer camp counselor? If there is an adult in your life you're already close to, consider talking to them about your sibling issues. Adults have seen a lot of the world, and you might be surprised by their compassion. 

If you're lucky enough to have a friend you're really close to, feel free to lean on them and talk about your family problems. And then listen as they share their troubles with you.

Find Distractions

And if you can't find support (or even if you can) distractions work wonders. This is where your everyday friendships come in. A night out with your friends can make you temporarily forget your problems. And sometimes a break is just what you need. Distractions can also come in the form of YouTube cat videos, stand-up comedians, your favorite book, or your favorite T.V. show. 

For me, whenever I was feeling awful, Eat, Pray, Love was my go-to resource for both support and distraction. I would soothe myself with Elizabeth Gilbert's words and temporarily lose myself in the author's journey across Italy, India and Indonesia. (It's a great book, by the way, go check it out.) Both comforting and familiar, it was the perfect resource for pulling me back to equilibrium when my feelings ran amok.     

Avoid Nighttime

When you were little, monsters came out at night. Now that you're older, they still do. Many people suffering from depression, anxiety, anger or whatever say that these feelings get worse at nighttime. This is because night is the time for introspection. Everything gets dark and quiet, and the loud, busy hecticness of life isn't there to drive the demons away. 

So try to go to bed as quickly as possible. After dinner, work on homework, watch T.V. for an hour or two, and then go to bed. Do not stay up ruminating over all the things that are bothering you. Go to sleep, and your demons will leave you alone. 

Have Faith 

You don't believe it now, but life will eventually get better. Your sibling(s) will move out of the house. You will move out of the house. You may decide to cut off a relationship with your sibling(s). 

Not only that, but I've also seen justice be served in many cases. In my own family and in others' families, I've seen abusive siblings learn their lesson once they hit the real world. Sometimes even before then. Often, siblings know that what they're doing is wrong. All they need is a real-world consequence or two to make them finally admit it. 

Some people will turn to a literal faith to see them through. Reading the bible and praying are two activities that religious people find helpful. 

In the words of Andy Grammar, "You gotta keep your head up . . . The sun will always come again."  

Learning to Be Helpless

One of the long-lasting effects of sibling abuse is something psychologists call "learned helplessness:" a mental state in which a person feels powerless to avoid or escape an averse situation because he or she believes that his or her efforts will not be successful. The reason why it's called learned helplessness is because individuals who experience this have been conditioned by life circumstances to think they are powerless. When it comes to sibling abuse, "life circumstances" come in the form of abusive siblings and also the parents who do numerous things to contribute to the problem. 

We're often told that being a kid is great. When you're a kid, you don't have to pay the bills, deal with the DMV, cook dinner, save for retirement, keep your health insurance, get out of debt, or any of those stressful responsibilities adults face every day. Children are pretty much free to do whatever they want. Heck, you can't even go to jail when you're a kid! Children certainly have it good living a life free of responsibilities. 

But there's a catch. Children may not have responsibilities, but in exchange for that, they also don't have any freedom. When Mom and Dad are in charge, the kids don't have a say. Children are too young to manage money or make their own meals, and so we expect their parents to handle that for them. Actually, there are many responsibilities--like family discipline--that children can't and shouldn't handle. Hopefully, the parents are responsible adults who make good decisions. But what happens when the parents don't do that? All of a sudden, "lucky" children aren't so lucky anymore. Because when you're a kid, and your parents mess up, you pay the price. 

In my family, sibling abuse was happening right underneath my parents' noses, and they didn't mutter a word about it. In fact, they even encouraged it! One time, my mother, sister and I were at a church potluck, filling our plates from the buffet table. My sister had just gotten to the bowl of re-fried beans, when she turned around to me and said, in a loud voice, "Sybil, don't take any beans. They always make you fart." My mom was standing immediately across from her and heard every word. I will always remember her reaction. Rather than disciplining my sister, my mom laughed and then said, "Oh, guess who shares a room! Ha ha ha!" Even back then, I remember thinking that my mom should have done something to stop her, and feeling hurt, humiliated and disappointed that she hadn't protected me. 

What was possibly even worse was that my parents took away my power to protect myself. My dad was the worst offender. If he heard bickering in the background, he didn't care at all for the cause of the fight, he just wanted it ended. One time, we were in the car, and the same sister mentioned above began picking a fight with another one of my siblings. Getting angrier and angrier, I rushed to my other sibling's defense. My sister in turn screamed at me, enough to make me want to cry. I was just about to defend myself, when my dad yelled back, "Thank you, thank you," his words for "stop fighting right now!!!" And when we got home, I did cry. For about two hours. 

When the car incident happened, I was in a period of my life where I had decided that enough was enough: I wasn't going to take any more crap from my siblings. I was finally going to stand up for myself and force my sisters to treat me right. "Devastated" is not a strong enough word to convey how I felt when my efforts didn't work. What disappointed me even more was my father not only not supporting me, but doing the opposite. He didn't care that my feelings were hurt, that my sister had just attacked me, and I needed to defend myself. He only cared about his own irritation towards the bickering (something he signed himself up for when he decided to have more than one child, I might add), and casually brushed my feelings aside. 

The helplessness I felt as a result of my parents' actions was something I carried with me outside of the home. I struggled a lot to stand up for myself in the real world, afraid that fighting back would only bring me more pain. It was only years later that I began feeling a sense of control over my life again. In my twenties, I began noticing that I could stand up for myself when there wasn't another person yelling at me for doing so. I felt so much freer when I gained that little bit of control.

It is important for parents to realize their role in shaping the outcome of sibling abuse. We're taught that parents do nothing but positive things for their children: they feed, clothe, nurture, and protect their children. They put their children on the right path. When parents do do their jobs right, they really reap the benefits in how their children behave. But parents can also do many negative things--things that harm the family. Parents can make their children powerless, fail to correct children who misbehave, damage their children and render them less capable in the real world. 

Taking a stand against sibling abuse means not only taking a stand against abusive children, but also against ineffective parenting methods. Parents, take a closer look at how you work with your children, and honestly evaluate if you need to change your ways. It is only when you do that when your children will change theirs as well.        

Dealing with Your Anger

For the past six years, I have been angry all the time. Every day, I've walked around with a black cloud over my head, my heart pounding, my teeth gritted and my hands clenched in fists. For those of you dealing with the aftermath of sibling abuse (or currently living through it), you are well acquainted with this sensation. Resentment is the shadow stubbornly stuck to the side of any sibling abuse survivor. And it feels like no matter what, you can't get rid of it. 

Even when life was going well, my anger was always bubbling underneath the surface. I was a volcano who was going to explode at any moment. In the company of great friends, I was angry. Seeing a long-awaited movie in the theaters, I was angry. Catching a glimpse of my crush across the hall, I was angry. Eating great food, finding the perfect shirt in the mall, watching the sunset on the beach, hearing my favorite song coming on the radio, during all of those events, I was angry. 

My resentment came from lots of things--being picked on by my siblings, not being protected by my parents, not being allowed to stand up for myself, and all of the other injustices, disappointments and heartbreaks that happened in my family. 

I found that even when I left the nest, my anger came with me. I couldn't let it go. At least when you're at home, your anger can serve a purpose. It is a natural reaction to those who abuse you, and can serve to protect you when the need arises. But when you've left those people behind, there's no longer a reason to be as angry as you were. But no matter how frequently I told myself that, my anger stayed with me. 

I'd consulted many sources of wisdom, from Buddha to Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat,Pray, Love) on dealing with resentment. Each one of them said basically the same thing: holding on to anger was not healthy, and it was best to "just let it go." 

Okay, I'd think to myself whenever I read something about "letting anger go," but it's not that easy. How do I "let it go" without doing what I've been doing my entire life: repressing my feelings and making myself even angrier?

It turns out there's an exact art and science to it.

I've tried many different ways to let myself be happier and put my anger aside. Here's what has worked and what hasn't.

It's not about repressing your feelings. 
If you're doing it right, putting your anger aside shouldn't involve repression. The first time I tried to conquer my demons was a near catastrophe. It was a school field trip, and I was with my classmates, walking around a city, listening to a boring speaker drone on about historical facts I didn't care about. Demons are often triggered by frustrating events (at least I've noticed that for me), and what was frustrating me was the fact that we were standing in the freezing cold rain, bracing ourselves from the wind, and listening to a lady who just wouldn't shut up. It's like she didn't even notice the weather, because she happily stood there for about fifteen minutes yammering on about something I couldn't even hear over the noise of the wind and road. 

Resentment is when an emotion like anger is attached to an old memory. When something in your current life makes you feel frustrated, memories attached to frustration can surface, making you more frustrated. So that moment, when my emotions came bubbling up to the surface, I thought if I just told myself, "don't be angry," everything would be all right. Big mistake.

As had always happened in previous years whenever I tried to stuff my feelings down, I ended up getting angrier. For the rest of the tour, I was boiling inside, about to explode. "THIS 'LET IT GO' STUFF DOESN'T WORK!" I was screaming to myself in my head, "I think I'd rather be angry." Actually, typing this makes me angry. Phew, I need to calm down. Hold on a sec.

Ok, I'm back.

As I was saying, freeing yourself from your anger shouldn't involve repressing your feelings. It involves different formula.

It's about redirecting your thoughts.
When I observed my own thought processes, I began to notice that there were many triggers for my anger, not just frustration. Being the introvert that I am, I frequently get lost in my thoughts. When I'm just standing around, thinking, my thoughts turn to all my old memories of having been in situations where I was hurt and powerless. And then I get angry.

When I get lost in my thoughts, my mind begins churning up things my parents and siblings have done and said to me. It's like my brain thrives on anger, and will not work unless fury is churning around in it. 

What I decided to do instead of saying no to the angry feelings, was to say no to the images attached to the feelings. For example, instead of saying, "I will not be angry," to myself in the middle of a frustrating event, I would tell myself, "I will not think about the event that is making me angry." I would tell myself, "I will not think about the siblings who tortured me, the parents who didn't do their job, or the place where the event occurred." This new method helped a lot. 

Additionally, I would redirect my mind to think of positive things. I would think of things that had gone well recently, like a compliment I had received, or some good food I'd eaten, or a new friend I'd made. Focusing on the good events and throwing away the bad ones gave me a greater sense of control over my life. And a part of me really liked that. The fact that I could make myself happier while respecting my anger was the key.

Your anger will still be respected.
The reason why I had resisted "turning off" my anger for so long was because I felt like it would have been treating my anger disrespectfully. If you're like me, then you probably think as I do, that you have a right to be angry. And you do! Anger is a natural and healthy response to what has happened to you. It's not wrong. When someone has treated you badly, it would be foolish to not be angry. 

But when you're out and about, living your life, letting your anger consume you is also unwise. It is far, far better to tell your angry thoughts, "Okay, I hear you, I know how you feel, and right now I'm going to give you a break and focus on the good things in my life." Your anger is still there, and it still has its place, but that place is not interfering with the life you're currently living. 

And when it's time to use your anger, you can choose to let it out. Use your anger productively, and tell your parents and siblings about how they have hurt you. This will be another post entirely, but using anger in that fashion is also a good way to respect your feelings.

Finally, it is important to remember that deciding to be happy does not make you weak. In fact, releasing anger's grip on you is one of the strongest things you can do. Happiness is not for ninnies. Happiness is a goal for all of us who are striving to live well. And living well is the best revenge.