I've been talking a lot about how terrible sibling abuse is. None of what I've been saying can really do justice to the sibling abuse experience. If you were to put yourself in the shoes of a victim, what would it be like? Here is a rough timeline of growing up with an abusive sibling.
1. You Accept What They Say About You as Fact
Children are quite impressionable. When I was a very young child and my older siblings said something mean to me, I believed whatever they were saying was true. When they told me, "You're stupid," I immediately thought, "Oh, I'm stupid."
2. Living in Fear
One of the big red flags of sibling abuse is that one sibling is frightened of the other. I would do anything to avoid the pain of being mocked. If I knew something would make my siblings criticize, belittle or otherwise torture me, I would not do it. I constantly walked on eggshells around them. I monitored how I dressed, how I acted, and what I said for fear of setting them off.
3. I Thought I Was Public Property
When I was in eighth grade, I had problems with my science class lab partner cheating off me. Every morning, I would come in, unpack my backpack, and take out my homework. And every morning, my classmate would say to me, "I didn't do my homework last night...could I copy yours?" Without hesitation, I would hand over my worksheet and let her copy the answers from it.
"We've all experienced something like this," you protest. "We've all been too scared to say 'no' before. How's this related to sibling abuse?" Here's the difference in this situation: I didn't even feel resentful I was letting her do this. I wasn't scared as much as I thought I was public property. It was only after discussing the situation with my friends that I learned this was wrong. They had to explain it wasn't right for my partner to ask this of me. Before I could even get to the point of being scared, I had to first understand other people couldn't take whatever they wanted from me.
This is a common experience for those who have been abused. Victims of childhood sexual abuse, for example, will often become sexually promiscuous at a young age. Their sense of body-ownership has been hijacked. Here's a quote from such a victim, who reflects on her teen years of promiscuity: "I can't even remember the boys' faces. All I knew was that someone wanted something from me, and I felt it was my duty to give it to them--for no other reason than that they wanted it!" (Cloud and Townsend 282).
4. We Weren't Allowed to Fight With Each Other
Anyone with a sibling probably remembers an incident when their parents yelled to them, "Don't fight!" or "Stop fighting!" Parents of more than one child constantly complain about sibling rivalry. On the flip side of the story, it is equally frustrating for the children to be forbidden to fight. Being forced to keep the peace is irritating in any situation, but it's especially painful with sibling abuse.
My father immediately cracked down on us if we started bickering with each other. Actually, a more accurate way to phrase that is he allowed my siblings to attack me, but didn't let me defend myself. He didn't help us find a solution to what we were arguing about or correct the abuser. All he knew was we were fighting, it annoyed him, and he wanted it to stop immediately. This was very painful to me, because he wasn't supportive of my right to say "no." My father, who was supposed to be my ally, who was supposed to be concerned about my feelings and sense of safety, took my defenses away and left me open to more attacks.
5. My Parents Never Did Anything About It
In many families, abuse happens right in front of the parents. And in many families, the parents never say a single, solitary word about it. I've witnessed this myself. I don't know why this happens, but many parents seem to think it's simply not their job to watch out for the safety of their children. This is an extra wound on top of the huge pile of pain the abused child experiences.
6. You Lose Your Trust in Others
For a child, the home environment is a model of the real world. Parents need to be very careful with how they raise their children. Whether a child is raised well or poorly, he or she will think, "this is what the world is like." If the child grows up in an environment where he or she is constantly bullied, that child will expect to be treated as such in the real world.
When I was growing up, my older siblings constantly teased me--about what I wore, how I acted, who I made friends with, what interested me...the list could go on and on. I expected everybody to treat me like this. So I closed myself off from others. I thought if I kept mum, nobody would try to tear me down. This goes back to Living in Fear, except applied to the outside world. The person who has lost a sense of trust fears he cannot depend on others in times of need--so instead, he keeps to himself.
7. Relationship Struggles
Continuing the theme of the home environment being a model of the real world, the home environment is also a child's first experience with relationships. Trust and relationships are related--relationships cannot exist without trust. The relationships modeled at home are the same relationships a child will experience in the real world.
My family did not teach me what a healthy relationship looks like. The abusive relationships with my siblings spilled over to abusive friendships and bullying problems at school. When I ask myself why I had so many problems with creating healthy relationships, I think the answer is I simply didn't know I deserved better. My family taught me that people will treat me like crap, and there was nothing I could do about it.
After leaving the nest, a young adult is often surprised that the world in real life is unlike the world modeled at home. This can mean different things for different people. For me, one of the biggest surprises was realizing that supportive relationships--where two people cheer each other on, wish for each other's happiness and success, try to listen to and understand each other, and offer comfort during hard times--are the RULE not the EXCEPTION! All my life I had been taught other people would only tear me down. The fact that someone "being there for me" was not only possible but expected was a complete shocker to me.
8. Low Self-Esteem
Insecurity is one of the biggest consequences I have seen for emotional abuse. Individuals suffering from insecurity will compensate for this symptom in one of two ways: by becoming arrogant or by tearing others down. There are many consequences for low self-esteem, such as poor school or work performance, inability to work toward a goal, and a tendency to get easily discouraged.
For all the flack the Self-Esteem Movement has received lately, I do believe confidence is very important. Parents may disagree about how best to build a child up, but one thing parents can all agree on is that a child should never be torn down. Parents should never allow a child to be bullied, either by themselves or by a sibling.
9. Learned Helplessness
I am convinced despair is one of the top three worst emotions any human can face. Right after depression and rage, hopelessness tears away at the soul and makes life difficult, if not impossible.
Why does sibling abuse result in learned helplessness? I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it has to do with the sense of powerlessness an abused sibling feels at the hands of the more powerful one. Throughout the victim's childhood, he or she experiences a rigid relationship in which they are always powerless against an abusive sibling's attacks. Many children find that even when they tried to fight back, they were unsuccessful in stopping the abuse.
In my own life, I still find it very hard to fight back when I'm being abused. I'm afraid of the pain I'll feel if my attempt to stand up for myself is unsuccessful. I think to myself, "better to be in pain because of the abuse than to be in pain because I couldn't stop the abuser."
10. Pain
If I could sum up the entire experience of sibling abuse in one word, it would be "painful." Getting picked on is painful. Feeling the rage and depression that naturally result from the abuse is painful. Feeling low self-esteem and a sense of powerlessness from the attacks is painful.
It goes without saying that the worse the trauma, the greater amount of pain one experiences. For victims of sibling physical and sexual abuse, pain will often manifest itself in the form of eating disorders, drug and alcohol addiction, anxiety and panic disorders.
People can carry a lot of pain with them even after moving out of the house. The wounds run so deep that it is impossible to simply "shake off" the feelings that have accumulated over the years. They can also find that their pain consumes them. The bad feelings become so powerful that good feelings cannot come in.
11. Getting Even
Children who were emotionally abused by their older siblings throughout their lives will often grow up and return the favor. All the name-calling, belittling, teasing, torturing and intimidation they received through their lives has been bottled up inside them for years. They dish it all back onto the aggressor, so she can receive a taste of her own medicine.
This process helps both the victim and the aggressor. The victim can exorcise their demons and get out of their helpless state. They also find relief in knowing there were consequences and that the abuser didn't get away with murder. The abuser, who grew up believing the bullying was no big deal, will often become enlightened after receiving a taste of their own medicine. "Oh," the bully thinks to himself. "This is how it feels when people are mean to you."
In many families, abuse happens right in front of the parents. And in many families, the parents never say a single, solitary word about it. I've witnessed this myself. I don't know why this happens, but many parents seem to think it's simply not their job to watch out for the safety of their children. This is an extra wound on top of the huge pile of pain the abused child experiences.
6. You Lose Your Trust in Others
For a child, the home environment is a model of the real world. Parents need to be very careful with how they raise their children. Whether a child is raised well or poorly, he or she will think, "this is what the world is like." If the child grows up in an environment where he or she is constantly bullied, that child will expect to be treated as such in the real world.
When I was growing up, my older siblings constantly teased me--about what I wore, how I acted, who I made friends with, what interested me...the list could go on and on. I expected everybody to treat me like this. So I closed myself off from others. I thought if I kept mum, nobody would try to tear me down. This goes back to Living in Fear, except applied to the outside world. The person who has lost a sense of trust fears he cannot depend on others in times of need--so instead, he keeps to himself.
7. Relationship Struggles
Continuing the theme of the home environment being a model of the real world, the home environment is also a child's first experience with relationships. Trust and relationships are related--relationships cannot exist without trust. The relationships modeled at home are the same relationships a child will experience in the real world.
My family did not teach me what a healthy relationship looks like. The abusive relationships with my siblings spilled over to abusive friendships and bullying problems at school. When I ask myself why I had so many problems with creating healthy relationships, I think the answer is I simply didn't know I deserved better. My family taught me that people will treat me like crap, and there was nothing I could do about it.
After leaving the nest, a young adult is often surprised that the world in real life is unlike the world modeled at home. This can mean different things for different people. For me, one of the biggest surprises was realizing that supportive relationships--where two people cheer each other on, wish for each other's happiness and success, try to listen to and understand each other, and offer comfort during hard times--are the RULE not the EXCEPTION! All my life I had been taught other people would only tear me down. The fact that someone "being there for me" was not only possible but expected was a complete shocker to me.
8. Low Self-Esteem
Insecurity is one of the biggest consequences I have seen for emotional abuse. Individuals suffering from insecurity will compensate for this symptom in one of two ways: by becoming arrogant or by tearing others down. There are many consequences for low self-esteem, such as poor school or work performance, inability to work toward a goal, and a tendency to get easily discouraged.
For all the flack the Self-Esteem Movement has received lately, I do believe confidence is very important. Parents may disagree about how best to build a child up, but one thing parents can all agree on is that a child should never be torn down. Parents should never allow a child to be bullied, either by themselves or by a sibling.
9. Learned Helplessness
I am convinced despair is one of the top three worst emotions any human can face. Right after depression and rage, hopelessness tears away at the soul and makes life difficult, if not impossible.
Why does sibling abuse result in learned helplessness? I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it has to do with the sense of powerlessness an abused sibling feels at the hands of the more powerful one. Throughout the victim's childhood, he or she experiences a rigid relationship in which they are always powerless against an abusive sibling's attacks. Many children find that even when they tried to fight back, they were unsuccessful in stopping the abuse.
In my own life, I still find it very hard to fight back when I'm being abused. I'm afraid of the pain I'll feel if my attempt to stand up for myself is unsuccessful. I think to myself, "better to be in pain because of the abuse than to be in pain because I couldn't stop the abuser."
10. Pain
If I could sum up the entire experience of sibling abuse in one word, it would be "painful." Getting picked on is painful. Feeling the rage and depression that naturally result from the abuse is painful. Feeling low self-esteem and a sense of powerlessness from the attacks is painful.
It goes without saying that the worse the trauma, the greater amount of pain one experiences. For victims of sibling physical and sexual abuse, pain will often manifest itself in the form of eating disorders, drug and alcohol addiction, anxiety and panic disorders.
People can carry a lot of pain with them even after moving out of the house. The wounds run so deep that it is impossible to simply "shake off" the feelings that have accumulated over the years. They can also find that their pain consumes them. The bad feelings become so powerful that good feelings cannot come in.
11. Getting Even
Children who were emotionally abused by their older siblings throughout their lives will often grow up and return the favor. All the name-calling, belittling, teasing, torturing and intimidation they received through their lives has been bottled up inside them for years. They dish it all back onto the aggressor, so she can receive a taste of her own medicine.
This process helps both the victim and the aggressor. The victim can exorcise their demons and get out of their helpless state. They also find relief in knowing there were consequences and that the abuser didn't get away with murder. The abuser, who grew up believing the bullying was no big deal, will often become enlightened after receiving a taste of their own medicine. "Oh," the bully thinks to himself. "This is how it feels when people are mean to you."
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