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| Eldest Children |
Eldest Children
Eldest children are "good." They are patient, obedient, reliable, compliant, helpful, organized, conscientious, driven, and mature. (These characteristics look especially good when contrasted with the sloppy, lazy, unreliable youngest sibling, but we'll get to that later.)What's behind their perfection? A miserable childhood. If there is any birth order most likely to complain about their growing up years, it's the eldest child. I probably don't even need to tell you their story. I'm sure most of you have heard the tune and can sing it with me. They were the guinea pigs; Mom and Dad didn't have a clue what they were doing, so they used their oldest child as practice. They received the harshest discipline while their younger siblings got away with murder. They babysat their younger siblings at Mom's convenience. They got the blame if their younger siblings did anything wrong. They were sheltered and naive because they didn't have older siblings to teach them the secrets of life. They had to set a good example. They helped the most around the house because the younger ones were too little. They faced a lot of pressure: they were the representatives of the family and had to give their family a good name. They had high expectations thrust on them and had to grow up fast. And of course, they had to deal with those pesky younger siblings. But all of this hardship made them into the hard-working, responsible, patient person they are today. Eldest children had it so bad, and that's what makes them so good. In fact, they're better than you, and you must bow down and worship them and feel grateful you did not have the sorry existence of Being The Oldest.
Eldest children are "good." They are patient, obedient, reliable, compliant, helpful, organized, conscientious, driven, and mature. (These characteristics look especially good when contrasted with the sloppy, lazy, unreliable youngest sibling, but we'll get to that later.)What's behind their perfection? A miserable childhood. If there is any birth order most likely to complain about their growing up years, it's the eldest child. I probably don't even need to tell you their story. I'm sure most of you have heard the tune and can sing it with me. They were the guinea pigs; Mom and Dad didn't have a clue what they were doing, so they used their oldest child as practice. They received the harshest discipline while their younger siblings got away with murder. They babysat their younger siblings at Mom's convenience. They got the blame if their younger siblings did anything wrong. They were sheltered and naive because they didn't have older siblings to teach them the secrets of life. They had to set a good example. They helped the most around the house because the younger ones were too little. They faced a lot of pressure: they were the representatives of the family and had to give their family a good name. They had high expectations thrust on them and had to grow up fast. And of course, they had to deal with those pesky younger siblings. But all of this hardship made them into the hard-working, responsible, patient person they are today. Eldest children had it so bad, and that's what makes them so good. In fact, they're better than you, and you must bow down and worship them and feel grateful you did not have the sorry existence of Being The Oldest.
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| Only Children |
Only Children
Only children, on the other hand, are "bad." They are spoiled, self-centered, attention-seeking, lonely, unsociable, maladjusted, impatient, unpopular, and generally unlikable. What made the only child like this? Their paradise of a childhood, where they were spoiled, spoiled, spoiled. Only children benefited from having all of Mom and Dad's attention and affection to themselves. It is assumed that if parents had only one, it must be due to infertility or some other terrible misfortune. This makes only children extra precious and extra worshiped. Additionally, only children never had to share their toys with siblings. Everything they've ever had was all to themselves. The parent worship coupled with no sharing naturally formed the only child into a self-centered narcissist. Only children are also maladjusted. They are used to getting their way, so whenever they don't get what they want, they get impatient and frustrated. The lucky ducklings also never had to fight with siblings, and couldn't possibly understand compromise or conflict-management. The only child simply doesn't fare well in life. They had it too good to know how to deal with setbacks. Nobody likes an only child. They are lonely and don't know how to make friends. Because they didn't have siblings, they didn't learn social skills. They don't know how to share, be courteous, communicate effectively, or be inclusive. They are used to being the center of attention, so they will hog the spotlight from you whenever they get the chance. The only child will grow up to be very unpopular with their peers. That kid in playgroup who won't share his toys with your son? He's most likely a Spoiled Only Child.
Middle Children
Middle children, like eldest children, are "good." They are peacemaking, independent, well-adjusted, loyal, adaptable, sociable, resilient, unspoiled, and non-demanding. How did they get this way? You guessed it: a rough youth. The middle child's growing-up years are the opposite of those of the only child. Rather than being the center of attention, the middle child was always ignored. Their parents were so focused on the guinea-pig firstborn and coddling the baby of the family that they forgot to pay attention to their middle child. Aside from being a fifth wheel, the middle child also missed out on the special treatment of their siblings. They were born too late and too soon. Their older sibling got the perks and privileges and their younger sibling got the spoiling. What did they get? Nothing. But never fear! These hardships built some good old-fashioned character into the middle child. Because they didn't get attention at home, middles wandered off and made plenty of friends. Consequently, they got lots of experience with making relationships work. Later in life, middles are great at marriage: They know the relationship game and will be committed to their spouse to avoid feeling like a fifth wheel again. Missing out on special treatment also proved to be an advantage: Middles are used to not getting what they want. When life gets rough, they roll with the punches. A middle child will never be that rude, overly-demanding restaurant customer like the person you sat next to last Friday (who was most likely an only child). Finally, being between two siblings gave the middle child experience with mediating. Need to compromise on something? A middle child will step to it! They may have had a really tough time growing up, but middle children rose above it to become nothing short of awesome.
Youngest Children
Oh, the youngest child. You can probably recite this diatribe by heart, people have attacked you so often with it. Youngest children are "bad." They are attention-seeking, manipulative, spoiled, immature, irresponsible, messy, lazy, mischievous, and obnoxious. What made them this way? (Does it even bear repeating?) Their golden palace of a childhood! The youngest child sure had the sweet life. From day one, they were smothered with attention and affection. Everyone from their older siblings to total strangers couldn't help but spoil and coddle the baby, who was just so darn cute. Pretty soon, they got the hint: The world revolves around me! Knowing the world loves to give them attention, and being a bit self-centered, the youngest child used their cuteness to charm and manipulate people. They are masters at getting whatever they want. Attention gave the youngest child a thirst for the spotlight. They loved to ruin the family photo by making silly faces and pestering their older siblings for a reaction--anything to get noticed. But attention isn't the only benefit of being the youngest. The youngest child led an easy existence at home. They were too little to do any chores, so their older siblings begrudgingly carried their burden. That's why youngest siblings never pick up after themselves and don't know what hard work is. Not doing chores wasn't the only thing babies got away with. Their parents were so wiped out when their last-born arrived, they didn't care to discipline the brat. The baby of the family got away with everything, especially things the firstborn always got punished for. Actually, Mom and Dad were determined to make the youngest child's life as easy as possible. They babied their baby and rescued them from any task they complained was too difficult. Their older siblings also made the baby's life easier--by being guinea pigs and making mistakes. The youngest child never had to learn by trial and error! In every family, the baby is sure to be a spoiled, self-centered brat. But this is to be expected--after all, they're the youngest!
But here's the thing about The Birth Order Bias: It is total B.S. Birth order is considered a part of "pop psychology" and has always been controversial. Actually, "laughable" might be a better word. Don't believe me? Here's a test. Find a friend, colleague, or neighbor whose birth order you don't know. Then guess it and see if you were correct. I'm pretty good at reading people and I've been wrong at least half the time.
So why do people talk about birth order? On its surface, birth order theory is meant to explain personality traits. Its true purpose is to subjugate some members of society (youngest and only children) and glorify the rest (eldest and middle children). Of course, this is unfair. Even The Birth Order Book makes this claim: "No birth order is 'better' or more desirable than another" (Leman, p. 288). This hasn't stopped people from saying that certain birth orders are superior to others. Abused siblings find The Bias especially infuriating, because many of them are youngest children.
But here's the good news: The Birth Order Bias is starting to die off. As families get smaller, fewer of them fit the "oldest, middle, youngest" mold The Bias most adequately describes. Whether or not you've heard about it depends on your age, where you grew up, and a few other circumstances. If you are one of three or more siblings, you're more likely to have heard it. If you were surrounded by conservative folk (i.e., you went to church every Sunday or your parents are conservative) you're more likely to have heard it. Over the years, I have constructed the following theory: If you were born after 1985, grew up in a liberal area, come from a family of two or fewer children, and didn't spend a lot of time around conservatives, you've probably never heard about The Birth Order Bias.
Not only is The Bias bogus, the kicker is that it's the other way around. If no birth order is more desirable than another, youngest children have just as many problems as eldest children. Unlike eldest children, youngest children's experiences are constantly invalidated. I once read a post on an Internet discussion board by a youngest child. He wrote, "I hate being the youngest. Everyone says you have it good, but they have no idea!" So what's the real truth? Eldest children have it good. They have it good for being validated for their problems--validation youngest children also deserve but never receive. Youngest children are the true saviors here, for they deal with two burdens: the problems of their birth order and the problems of fighting a world that constantly denies and diminishes their experiences.
Only children, on the other hand, are "bad." They are spoiled, self-centered, attention-seeking, lonely, unsociable, maladjusted, impatient, unpopular, and generally unlikable. What made the only child like this? Their paradise of a childhood, where they were spoiled, spoiled, spoiled. Only children benefited from having all of Mom and Dad's attention and affection to themselves. It is assumed that if parents had only one, it must be due to infertility or some other terrible misfortune. This makes only children extra precious and extra worshiped. Additionally, only children never had to share their toys with siblings. Everything they've ever had was all to themselves. The parent worship coupled with no sharing naturally formed the only child into a self-centered narcissist. Only children are also maladjusted. They are used to getting their way, so whenever they don't get what they want, they get impatient and frustrated. The lucky ducklings also never had to fight with siblings, and couldn't possibly understand compromise or conflict-management. The only child simply doesn't fare well in life. They had it too good to know how to deal with setbacks. Nobody likes an only child. They are lonely and don't know how to make friends. Because they didn't have siblings, they didn't learn social skills. They don't know how to share, be courteous, communicate effectively, or be inclusive. They are used to being the center of attention, so they will hog the spotlight from you whenever they get the chance. The only child will grow up to be very unpopular with their peers. That kid in playgroup who won't share his toys with your son? He's most likely a Spoiled Only Child.
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| Middle Children |
Middle Children
Middle children, like eldest children, are "good." They are peacemaking, independent, well-adjusted, loyal, adaptable, sociable, resilient, unspoiled, and non-demanding. How did they get this way? You guessed it: a rough youth. The middle child's growing-up years are the opposite of those of the only child. Rather than being the center of attention, the middle child was always ignored. Their parents were so focused on the guinea-pig firstborn and coddling the baby of the family that they forgot to pay attention to their middle child. Aside from being a fifth wheel, the middle child also missed out on the special treatment of their siblings. They were born too late and too soon. Their older sibling got the perks and privileges and their younger sibling got the spoiling. What did they get? Nothing. But never fear! These hardships built some good old-fashioned character into the middle child. Because they didn't get attention at home, middles wandered off and made plenty of friends. Consequently, they got lots of experience with making relationships work. Later in life, middles are great at marriage: They know the relationship game and will be committed to their spouse to avoid feeling like a fifth wheel again. Missing out on special treatment also proved to be an advantage: Middles are used to not getting what they want. When life gets rough, they roll with the punches. A middle child will never be that rude, overly-demanding restaurant customer like the person you sat next to last Friday (who was most likely an only child). Finally, being between two siblings gave the middle child experience with mediating. Need to compromise on something? A middle child will step to it! They may have had a really tough time growing up, but middle children rose above it to become nothing short of awesome.
 |
| Youngest Children |
Youngest Children
Oh, the youngest child. You can probably recite this diatribe by heart, people have attacked you so often with it. Youngest children are "bad." They are attention-seeking, manipulative, spoiled, immature, irresponsible, messy, lazy, mischievous, and obnoxious. What made them this way? (Does it even bear repeating?) Their golden palace of a childhood! The youngest child sure had the sweet life. From day one, they were smothered with attention and affection. Everyone from their older siblings to total strangers couldn't help but spoil and coddle the baby, who was just so darn cute. Pretty soon, they got the hint: The world revolves around me! Knowing the world loves to give them attention, and being a bit self-centered, the youngest child used their cuteness to charm and manipulate people. They are masters at getting whatever they want. Attention gave the youngest child a thirst for the spotlight. They loved to ruin the family photo by making silly faces and pestering their older siblings for a reaction--anything to get noticed. But attention isn't the only benefit of being the youngest. The youngest child led an easy existence at home. They were too little to do any chores, so their older siblings begrudgingly carried their burden. That's why youngest siblings never pick up after themselves and don't know what hard work is. Not doing chores wasn't the only thing babies got away with. Their parents were so wiped out when their last-born arrived, they didn't care to discipline the brat. The baby of the family got away with everything, especially things the firstborn always got punished for. Actually, Mom and Dad were determined to make the youngest child's life as easy as possible. They babied their baby and rescued them from any task they complained was too difficult. Their older siblings also made the baby's life easier--by being guinea pigs and making mistakes. The youngest child never had to learn by trial and error! In every family, the baby is sure to be a spoiled, self-centered brat. But this is to be expected--after all, they're the youngest!
But here's the thing about The Birth Order Bias: It is total B.S. Birth order is considered a part of "pop psychology" and has always been controversial. Actually, "laughable" might be a better word. Don't believe me? Here's a test. Find a friend, colleague, or neighbor whose birth order you don't know. Then guess it and see if you were correct. I'm pretty good at reading people and I've been wrong at least half the time.
So why do people talk about birth order? On its surface, birth order theory is meant to explain personality traits. Its true purpose is to subjugate some members of society (youngest and only children) and glorify the rest (eldest and middle children). Of course, this is unfair. Even The Birth Order Book makes this claim: "No birth order is 'better' or more desirable than another" (Leman, p. 288). This hasn't stopped people from saying that certain birth orders are superior to others. Abused siblings find The Bias especially infuriating, because many of them are youngest children.
But here's the good news: The Birth Order Bias is starting to die off. As families get smaller, fewer of them fit the "oldest, middle, youngest" mold The Bias most adequately describes. Whether or not you've heard about it depends on your age, where you grew up, and a few other circumstances. If you are one of three or more siblings, you're more likely to have heard it. If you were surrounded by conservative folk (i.e., you went to church every Sunday or your parents are conservative) you're more likely to have heard it. Over the years, I have constructed the following theory: If you were born after 1985, grew up in a liberal area, come from a family of two or fewer children, and didn't spend a lot of time around conservatives, you've probably never heard about The Birth Order Bias.
Not only is The Bias bogus, the kicker is that it's the other way around. If no birth order is more desirable than another, youngest children have just as many problems as eldest children. Unlike eldest children, youngest children's experiences are constantly invalidated. I once read a post on an Internet discussion board by a youngest child. He wrote, "I hate being the youngest. Everyone says you have it good, but they have no idea!" So what's the real truth? Eldest children have it good. They have it good for being validated for their problems--validation youngest children also deserve but never receive. Youngest children are the true saviors here, for they deal with two burdens: the problems of their birth order and the problems of fighting a world that constantly denies and diminishes their experiences.
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