"Stay Out of It"

Parents have been exposed to many pieces of advice about dealing with sibling squabbles. One bit of wisdom is "stay out of it." Don't intervene. Let the children work out their problems themselves. For if you intervene, one of a number of bad things will occur: You'll pick sides. Or you'll shut down their fight and not give them a chance to express their frustrations. Or you'll settle things for them and they'll never learn to settle things themselves.  

But just like with "it doesn't matter who started it," there are certain situations where "don't intervene" doesn't apply. 

If there's a recurring conflict that the children have not been able to resolve themselves, parents must get involved. If the children skip compromising and move right to a screaming match, parents must get involved. If the children are very young and have no idea how compromise works, parents must get involved. If a child begins abusing another, or the fight is escalating towards abuse, a parent must ABSOLUTELY get involved. All that's basic common sense, right? You'd be surprised by how many parents and child-rearing experts think otherwise. 

I once read online somewhere that parents should only intervene if someone is about to get hurt. No way. If there is even a chance that a fight will get physical, the children have skipped two or three important conflict-resolution steps. Steps where a parent should have said, "okay, it's time to intervene." If someone's about to get hurt, you've waited way too long.

Here's the thing about intervening: It's not all that important when you get involved, but why and how you go about doing it. The goal of intervening should never be to pick sides, shut down a fight, or resolve the kids' problems for them. The goal should always be to help the children communicate better so the problem can be resolved. As long as you have the right goal in mind, you don't need to worry about whether or not to intervene. 

Here's something more about intervening: It's not only "okay" to do so in certain situations, but absolutely crucial that a parent do so. I'm talking about families where one sibling experiences emotional, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of another. 

When I was going to therapy, my therapist had an interesting approach to getting me out of depression: he'd tell me my problems were all my fault. The reason my older siblings picked on me, he'd say, was because my personality invited it. (His exact words.) Because I was so passive, so compliant, my siblings saw this weakness in me and took advantage of it. My therapist was so convinced that I was the root cause of my family problems that he told me, "I think that no matter who your siblings were, no matter their personalities, this [the abuse] would have been the outcome." So it didn't matter that one of my good friends, who was just as unassertive as I, had an older sibling who treated her just fine. It didn't matter that my parents never did anything to correct the abuse when they saw it happen. It didn't matter that I saw plenty of families where the abused sibling did fight back, to no avail. It didn't matter that I fought back now and again, to no avail. According to my therapist, I was the only one to blame in my problems with my siblings.

Unfortunately, I have seen this attitude expressed in many different sources. Even in Siblings without Rivalry, the book I have given nothing but glowing reviews about until now, heavily implies in some parts that a child's personality influences whether he or she will be victimized. 

I disagree.

I have seen families where a passive, gentle child is pushed around by a domineering, insensitive one. But I have seen just as many where the victim is not at all passive. I've seen families where sibling abuse has greatly exacerbated the fighting between siblings. Usually, the sibling in the "victim role" is unsuccessful in stopping the attacks. 

I've observed families that have stopped sibling abuse, and from these observations, I believe that the key is not in the victim's response. It's in the parents' actions. Families that have successfully ended sibling abuse are usually headed by assertive parents who have clear expectations for behavior. And then hold children accountable for breaking the rules. That type of intervention is crucial. In fact, I believe that ending sibling abuse is impossible without the parents' intervention.

This shouldn't come as a surprise. Parents have a job. Their job is to protect, and that means deciding when it's time to intervene.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

The holidays are supposed to be one of the happiest times of the

year. 

But for those of us having family issues, they are perhaps one of the most difficult.

It is very stressful and upsetting to be around others who have done nothing but treat you badly all year long. When the family is sitting around the Christmas tree, exchanging gifts, exuding "Christmas cheer," it is very lonely to sit and dwell on your own troubles, particularly if they have been caused by your family. 

I recently ran across something on Facebook (of all places) that really caused me to think about today. One of my friends posted a status, part of which contained something that I wish to pass on to you. 

It said: 

No matter how much others intentionally try to hurt us, we can subsequently try to intentionally find happiness anyway.

So today I challenge you to try to find a piece of happiness, no matter how small. If you achieve that, know that you have gained a small victory in your own personal war against sibling abuse.  

Another Reason Why

I have a friend named David who has an older sister. David once told me about a story he heard from his mom about his early

relationship with his sister. David was a newborn, barely three months old when this incident occurred. David and his sister were in his mother's bedroom, with David lying peacefully in the middle of the bed. His three-year-old sister was there, watching over him. David's mom was temporarily out of the room, grabbing something from the walk-in closet. Her back was turned for maybe ten seconds when she heard a funny noise. It sounded like small cries that were being muffled by something. She turned around and saw David's sister try to smother her brother with a pillow.

These family stories might give you a chuckle, but this is a story that nicely illustrates another reason why sibling abuse can occur. That reason is the intense jealousy an older child may feel with the arrival of a new baby sibling. 

In the book Siblings Without Rivalry, (yes, I know I keep referencing this title, but bear with me) the authors present a great metaphor for explaining the jealousy a first-born child may feel upon the arrival of a new sibling. 

Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you."  When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he's very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. "Isn't (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart... You are precious!" Then they turn to you and ask, "How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?" 

The new wife (or husband or partner) needs clothing. Your partner goes into your closet, takes some of your sweaters and pants and gives them to the new wife (or husband or partner). When you protest, (s)he points out that since you've put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight on you and they'll fit the new partner perfectly. 

Is it a silly metaphor? Maybe. But it provides a great perspective for parents dealing with a very jealous first-born child. How did you feel while reading this? Didn't you feel so enraged you wanted to smash something? Didn't you want to lash out at the new spouse? To harm him or her, no matter the cost? This explains the intense cruelty behind many older children's actions when a new baby arrives.   

Not all first-born children will react like this. Both research and my own observations have shown me that a child's personality is the strongest indicator of how they react to a new sibling. More specifically, I have found that a child with an inflexible personality is more likely to react unfavorably.

Many families report that this cruelty doesn't stop when the child gets older. The "meanness" simply continues, evolving into different forms as the kid grows up. What's the reason behind this? Some might say that the old jealousy never dies, that the older sibling never "gets over" being displaced. 

I have a different theory. I think that the jealousy itself dies away, but the mean habits stick around. Because the older sibling gets used to torturing the little one, he or she continues this behavior because it's what he or she is accustomed to. Being mean out of jealousy evolves into being mean for fun. 

So what's a parent to do? Parents need to validate these jealous feelings early on. In the story above, David's mother should have of course gone into the room and immediately pulled her daughter off of her son. (Which is what she did.) But then, she should have said,"People aren't for hurting! Show me how you feel with this pillow instead." 

She then should have handed her daughter a pillow to throttle. And then stood back and watched while her daughter pounded on it. She could have said something like, "You just want to send your brother back!" 

Such advice might shock parents, but research has shown that validation of feelings--not ignoring them--is what will drive vicious feelings away. Parents who end up with a jealous first-born child should not ignore the green-eyed monster, but welcome him in, listen to his feelings, and soothe the hurt away.